Balancing Act

I've talked quite a lot on this site about my weight and my weight-loss goals and my weight-loss goals getting knocked on their skinny little ass by my thighs. I usually end all of my weight-loss posts by declaring, "This time will be different. I'm going to shed the weight this time." And every time I fuck it all up with a baked good or a large pizza or every jar of ranch dressing in the state of Texas.

I've always said it's a vicious cycle, and a hard one to break. And I absolutely believe myself.

I hate how much I weigh. I hate that I don't fit into all of my very cute, I-own-because-I-purchased clothes. But I still enjoy food. I don't want to live a life where I'm not able to enjoy all of the scrumptious trimmings of the holidays or a birthday cupcake or a random carb on a random Tuesday. But I also don't want to live a life where I am ashamed of my body.

And there is, in my opinion, only one solution to satisfying both wants: Balance.

I've officially signed up and forked over money for Weight Watchers online. I've been going at it—hard core—for a week now. And I gained 1.6 pounds in that first week. You can imagine what sort of expletives were unleashed in the bathroom this morning. (Monday is weigh-in day.) Molly padded in and cocked her head at me and then I yelled expletives at her because have you seen my dog? Vizslas are the supermodels of the dog world. All legs and ribs and NOT MUCH ELSE.

You know, a few things happened when Mike and I got married: 1) I gained a crazy amount of weight because I didn't have a wedding dress to fit into and I felt that fact alone warranted the consumption of everything in arm's reach 2) people assumed that my weight gain was related to a baby and 3) people lost all tact and civility when it came to asking about the hypothetical baby.

(I do have to add this aside, because it's too good not to: I had someone ask me at a bar, while I was holding a beer if I was pregnant. I responded with, "Nominate me for mother of the year THIS INSTANT.")

Although I figured this was well-known—this little nugget of etiquette— it's apparently not:

IF YOU DO NOT SEE THE BABY CROWNING OR YOU'RE NOT AT A BABY SHOWER, DON'T ASK SOMEONE IF THEY'RE PREGNANT.

And not just because that question officially confirms this person is as large as they think they are, but it also so lovingly reminds them that they're just carrying extra pounds and not carrying a baby. So they have to reconcile being fat with being fat for no good reason and then they begin to hate you and your well-intentioned questions.

So, I'm on Weight Watchers. I'm not pregnant. But I realize having to clarify one basically demands the other. And I'm going to believe the encouraging message Weight Watchers gave me this morning after I entered in my higher weight about gaining before losing! and don't give up! and you're awesome as you are, but you're going to believe us in no time!

I've fought long and hard to put my weight issues behind me. And behind me they won't stay. I suppose I need to go about this a different way. I suppose fighting to move on isn't the answer. I suppose dealing with today is.

::

I'm going to end this on a much lighter and inquisitive note, because seriously it's Monday and all the WAH AM FAT thoughts really do nothing for the collective mood around here, I know. But easy, healthy recipes? Got any? This crazy hormonal non-pregnant woman thanks you for your help.

(Raven, your site is already bookmarked, and I check your archives often for updates.)

::

Also, I have Flex points! 35 of them each week! So, please offer up as many recipes as you'd like, even if sugar or butter or CHEESE is a listed ingredient. We're striving for balance here. Balance and a non-bump-like stomach. But balance, still.

::

I hope this post didn't totally bum you out. It sort of bums me out in hindsight, but it's what's going on. And we're keeping it real around here, right? Right?

::

I promise to post pictures of my shoes and Molly tomorrow. You deserve that.   

Comments

[Someone Being Me]

I think this will go on your cheat days but I made a really good recipe last night, you can check it out at my post here http://someonebeingme.blogspot.com/2007/10/all-recipes.html . I highly recommend it. In my opinion, any food with wine in the sauce has to be good.

[Raven]

It doesn't bum me out at all. In fact, I feel a private locked post coming up about body image and intimate effects.

*HUG*

Um, I have a question-where are you in time of month in respect to water weight gain/hormone gain? That might be part of it.

[Sabrina]

I am right there with you on everything. I know my kid is 3 months old, so people keep telling me I have an excuse, but No. I might have had an excuse for not losing, but the gaining is all my fault. And I'll email you a recipe of one of the reasons it's all my fault. I was introduced to it yesterday and I am in LOVE!! It is bad. And oh so good. I hope you find the balance you're looking for and when you do, share some with me.

[Jess]

I've been doing WW for about four months and the same thing happened to me at first. I almost quit right there, but I stuck with it and now I've lost 38 pounds and counting. I'm glad you're still going. And have fun with those flex points.

[jodi]

Cut yourself a break. I've been doing WW since July and lost 7 pounds, wohoo! But, it's a lot of ups and downs.

We still weight loss buddies?

[bethany actually]

I have been there with the weight-gain-weight-loss thing. Good for you for doing something as positive as going to WW.

One of my favorite Dave Barry quotes is something along the lines of, "Never assume a woman is pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment."

[Kristie]

Jennie, you can totally do it sweets. I'm here to have sammiches and soup that is in the alloted points range with you. I'll totally be your cheerleader! Totally.

(I said totally 3 times. It's a new record!)

[Susan]

Is it wrong that I laughed at "Nominate me for Mother of the Year THIS INSTANT"?

I think you are adorable.

[Natalie]

Have you checked out cookinglight.com? I made Bean & Beef Casserole tonight....

http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=665344

I think the key is cutting out eating out. And bringing your lunch, saves $ and calories. Too bad you don't live closer so you could just eat at my house every night!

[anne]

I'll e-mail you, but I have good recipes, including the pumpkin chocolate muffins that are only 2 points. But it is also eating out - that is killer!

[slynnro]

Bringing lunch is key. Since I've gone gluten free, I've also been more focused on eating "real food" as opposed to processed crap. I get fuller faster, and just generally feel a lot lighter. Every night I have a big green salad topped with chicken and balsamic vinegar. I enjoy that a lot more than the Lean Cuisines that kept me alive for years. Investing in real, organic produce is a wise move- if you spend the money on the good stuff, you feel more compelled to actually eat it instead of let it rot in the crisper.

And I have the world's greatest gym routine for lower body toning if you are interested.

[roz]

dude.

exactly where i'm coming from.

i l-o-v-e food. And i'm not just talking about deep-fried shit (although of course i love that too). I'm talking about delicious wines and cheeses and foie gras and lamb and gah! everything!

but i hate the buldges when i look in the mirror or pull, nay, wrestle into a pair of jeans and sport a not-so-cute muffin top!!

but i've tried ww and failed.

i wonder if there really such a thing as balance because what exactly is balance and maybe i should just accept that i'm going to have a muffin top and just learn to love it??

who knows...

thanks for the post :)

[alyndabear]

I'm struggling big time right now with my weight - I've been ongoing all year, lost a whole batch, and in the past three weeks? I've been deliberately setting myself up to fail. I hate that I do it to myself, because I end up miserable.. again. So your post was actually really uplifting to me - and I'm so glad there are other people out there who struggle.

Am always around if you need a buddy!

[Katie]

Yay, so proud of you, girl! My parents use WW and I love when they make this soup: http://www.recipezaar.com/128956. It's 0 points, so you can eat as much of it as you want. I love it because I'm a vegetable (and soup) fiend and even Jon loves it. In fact, remember when I cut my finger last week? Yeah, I was chopping zucchini for the soup. Anyway, it is yum!

[kerrianne]

I so hear you on the needing to drop pounds, but not willing to starve myself/not enjoy life and the food it so graciously offers.

I always thought if I signed up for weight watchers I would so be instantly in love with The Flex points. It's just such a wonderful word: "Flex." And, oh how it conjures images of chocolate cake. Which is exactly why I would fail miserably straight out of the gate.

Good luck! to you. : )

[Crystal]

Yum, cheese. It is one of my staples. But I can try to come up with some healthy recipes for you. I need to be doing them myself with the rate I'm gaining weight.

I don't know anything about WW though. Is it just a low-fat plan, or are there other restrictions?

[Angella]

Not bummed out at all. I think you are great, and this post just confirmed it.

Keep it real, yo.

;)

[CrankMama]

I have a Vizsla too and can confirm that it is rather depressing to gaze at him when one is feeling less than svelte.

It sounds like you need some definite cheering up so I’ll give you a fun recipe (perfect for Halloween and quite tasty) for Frogspawn Jell-O from the Shrek cookbook. I posted about it today http://www.crankmama.com/2007/10/30/its-slimy-but-delicious/

[Nicole]

You are doing great! My dad always tells me that moderation is the key to having everything that you want, well at least when it comes to food.

[metalia]

This doesn't bum me out at all; I (and we) all have faith in you! Are there any foods you specifically dislike? Because I have TONS of good, healthy recipes, and would love to throw some your way, if you'd like. :)

[Amanda Brown]

Keep on keepin' on! A gain is always a bummer (I had one myself last week) but it's the persistence that will get you there. Sometimes I try to focus on the changes I know I'll see in a month of WW instead of just a week because so many things can make my weight fluctuate.
As far as Flex Points go, I usually like to go out and eat something. Like pizza or McDonalds. I know, it's gross, but I need it.

[Mom Needs Coffee]

Weight Watchers really does work!!!! And, its not that bad as far as variety of food goes.

Everybody is right on about cutting the eating out. It is nearly impossible to eat out and stay under your points values for the week!

Good luck!

ps. Thanks for the in-law encouragement. It helps to know there are others who lived with their in-laws and got through it. :-)

[Dianna]

I so know what you mean. Over this last year I've lost 40 pounds and would still like to lose 10 which seems to not want to part with me as much as I do it. It can be so frustrating, but eventually so rewarding. Good luck! I know you can do it.

[janet]

Hi! Been reading your posts and archives and feeling like you are my long lost sister or something. Okay, not just because I (just last night) faced a pregnancy congratulations (not prego, thanks), but because I have the same weight (and WW) issues, and I am a newlywed too, and we even have the same H&M sweater. Hope I don't sound like a stalker but I am so glad you started commenting at my blog so that I found yours!! :)

[Kristabella]

OK, I'm in the same place as you. I did WW for a few years, lost about 40 pounds and am slowly putting it all back on.

I KNOW it works, but my will power is shot. And I have no idea why.

So we should do this together! We CAN do it!