A Friend Of Mine

Do you want to hear a story about how I became friends with Mike's ex-girlfriend? It's interesting and, yes, awkward, too. But it ends ... well, read on.

When Mike and I first began dating, we did what most new couples do—we stayed up all night for days at a time, discussing parents, friends, dreams, exes. And because I had known Mike (kinda, sorta) through Crystal, some of the stories he shared with me those first few nights I had already heard. I knew who Kristie, his most recent ex-girlfriend, was. I had actually met her, albeit briefly, months before Mike and I began dating, at an engagement party I co-hosted for Crystal. I can't stress enough that Mike and I rarely spoke during the years we were acquaintances. We were never interested in one another until a month before we began officially dating, when he hooked me with free access to his bar tab. It's funny, actually, as there were times throughout the years we knew one another when he was single, and Crystal tried to set him up with a slew of our sorority sisters, but never me. We'd sit at lunch, she and I, talking about her friend Mike, and how he needed a date for this or that party, and I never (seriously, not once) thought of myself as an option.

But once we were together, I obviously took more of an interest in his past, in him. And I knew that Kristie and he were still friends. It didn't bother me, per se, but for nearly two solid years I was curious and inquisitive when she'd call. It wasn't until we moved to DFW—where she also lived—when I mentioned to him I wanted to meet her.

I imagine that sounds odd, right, but I couldn't (and wouldn't) bring myself to ask him to stop being friends with her. They had a history, and she was important to him. If they hadn't worked out romantically and wanted to stay friendly, that was OK with me. (One of my very best friends, to this day, is someone I had strong feelings for; feelings I only fully got over after meeting Mike. And Mike has never had a problem with this friendship, and he was as touched as I was when my friend traveled half-way around the country to be a guest at our wedding.) But, I knew I could only be OK with Mike's friendship with Kristie if I met her. I had to know she wanted only what Mike wanted—a friendship. Mike and I stumbled upon her MySpace profile one day, along with some other high-school friends of his, and I mentioned to him again that he should set up lunch/dinner/drinks to introduce us.

(I think I should tell you a little about Mike before I go on. I think we all know how much I adore my husband. But, really, all feelings aside, he's an incredible man. He doesn't like to cut people out of his life and I've only seen him do so a handful of times. Each time it was excruciatingly painful for him, but ultimately necessary for his well-being. He is loyal and kind, and I knew in my heart, back then, that he was over this relationship. But it wasn't in him to make some dramatic announcement about ending their friendship. He was OK introducing us, if that's what I wanted/needed and the day he suggested to her that we should all get together I felt very loved by him. I imagine you're scratching your head a little bit, and I would be too if I were you, but trust me, I know my husband. I knew, back then and now, that he loved me and wanted to do what he could to make me feel better about a friendship that was [and is] important to him but was nothing more than a friendship.)

Kristie wasn't interested in meeting me. It seemed to me, back then, that she wanted to stay in his life without meeting the person who was sharing his life. I wasn't OK with that, and Mike knew this.

Then, a few weeks later, I got an e-mail from a friend, telling me about a blog Kristie had written about me. So, I read it. Now, here's where the shit could ultimately have hit the fan. I showed Mike the blog, and we talked about it. I decided—and he supported me—that I was going to send her an e-mail via MySpace. She never seemed to be a bad or malicious person, and I knew this was just a painful situation that we needed to deal with. I wrote her a note and, in short, explained myself, my feelings and my thoughts on the whole messy subject.

Three weeks later we met for dinner. It was weird, yes. It was odd, definitely. But it felt necessary and right.

That was two years ago and since then I co-hosted a baby shower for her, she attended our engagement party, my bachelorette party and wedding shower. We've seen dozens of movies together, had dinners and lunches and, well, she's a frequent commenter on this blog (and vice versa). She's actually one of my BlogHer roommates.

You need a drink, don't you?

I try to avoid "explaining" myself too much in life. My choices are mine, and I make them because they are best for me (well, my choices past the age of 23). Mike and I are deeply in love and I don't doubt his commitment to me. I believe in us, but, yes, his ex-girlfriend is in our circle of friends. It probably wouldn't work if Kristie wasn't who she is, a very kind and gracious person. It probably wouldn't work for you, and that's OK. It works for us. I could have stomped around and thrown ridiculous fits pleading with Mike to make a choice, our relationship or their friendship. And let's be honest, those thoughts absolutely occurred to me. A part of me wanted him to stop talking to her to prove how much he loved me. But that's not the kind of woman I wanted to be. And that's not the kind of man I wanted to love.

I'm sharing this story, ultimately, because it's something I'm rather proud of. The three of us took a very awkward and painful situation and turned it into something positive. We were all mature and adult enough to have handled this the way we did, and I'm proud of that.

In life we're presented with uncomfortable situations and the option to avoid or to face them. Hopefully, if we face them with tact and grace, we become better for them. We become stronger and smarter.

I am better because I know her. 

If you aren't reading Kristie's blog, you should be. She's funny and quirky and she has an adorable baby boy. Oh, and if you see us together at BlogHer, well, now you know the story. You can either shake your head at us or buy us a drink. Just in case, I'll take a glass of champagne. She'll have something fruity and frozen.

Comments

[slynnro]

Aaron and I were introduced by his ex-girlfriend. Our relationship, uh, didn't work out quite this well.

Aaron is the same way about cutting people out of his life, and I have had a hard time with it (not just exes but also friends who do shitty things).

Glad it has worked out better for you.

[Jen]

One of the reasons that you and Mike probably work so well together is that you were so mature about handling the whole situation. There are so many women who would really freak out in your situation, but you handled it really well. And gained a friend! So great.

[Raven]

Ah myspace, the center of it all.

[merrymishaps]

I just went over to Kristie's site -- interesting to read both sides of the story!

[Katie]

Like I said over at Kristie's blog, you girls are much bigger persons than I could ever be. Two of my personal flaws (that I absolutely hate about myself) are jealousy and insecurity and I know in my heart I could never have made a friendship like the one you guys have. You both are inspiring to me.

[Kristie]

Is 'quirky' code for crazy? ;-) Love ya TONS!

[Type (little) a]

Like I said on Kristie's blog, you guys are such grown ups. Good for you

:-)

[Natalie]

I am so proud of you! You are a much bigger person than I could ever be!

[bethany actually]

Troy and I are both friends with his ex-fiancee and her husband. :-) We all worked together in the same dorm as RAs. It was a little weird at first, but Jenn (Troy's ex) went out of her way to let me know that she was happy I was dating Troy, and that we were a good match as far as she was concerned. I really respect Jenn for making the best of what could have been a very awkward situation.

[Kitty]

Since your blog is the other side to Kristie's, I'm gonna be a lazy twat and post the same comment for you I posted for her:

If I remember right, on that very same blog, I offered to fly halfway across the country and kick her ass for you. =)

I'm glad that you guys worked things out, and even more glad that I, too, have been able to find a new friend named Jennie, who is a bit loony but always entertaining and lets me live vicariously through her exploits.

[Danielle-Lee]

Seriously, you guys are awesome!!! Kristie is great, even though I only really know her through blogging, myspace, and we went to high school together. Oh, and Eric and I have known each other since 6th grade. :)

[Kristabella]

Holy crapola! I had NO idea how you two knew each other!

That is complete craziness! I'm glad it all worked out for the best! Although, since I read both of your blogs, I'm not shocked in the least that you get along so well!

[Stephanie]

again with the whole inspiration thing. how did you turn into such an adult at such a young age? seriously, she woulda lost me with the not-nice blog.

[Camels & Chocolate]

Wow, so mature (of you both)! That's very impressive that you could handle the situation with such grace; I just guess it goes to show that good deeds are rewarded.

And I liked that you guys posted the same story from two different viewpoints - it should be a message to everyone reading your blog that jealousy never did anyone any good.

[k]

I'm incredibly impressed. brava for being so mature.

[EmilyPie]

amazing.

why do I have an urge to to myspace one of B's exes and arrange a meet and greet now? Oh yeah, because of not one but TWO sappy stories about this AND my new need for friends because my one close friend here has had a baby AND has started her PhD program again so is too busy for me. *Sigh* (must not read blogs when depressed.. must not ....)

I promise my comment on Kristie's site was much more pleasant ;)

[Michelle & the City]

wow. i am very impressed. that really says a lot about your character. i don't know if i could do the same thing. i would hope that i could, but it's one of those things that you won't know how you'll react until it happens.

[Rebecca]

I think that is great. The world could use more rational and calm women. There are enough catty, back-stabbing snots! Go Jen! Go Krista! aaaaaaaand Go Mike!

[K]

That is such a great story!!

[Michelle]

This is a great story, and one I wish I had. I have met a good number of my husband's exes, but really can't imagine being such good friends with any of them. Of course, he's not anymore either, so I guess that is the difference.

[Angela]

I think that's really an incredible story about two very mature women--good for you!!

[Jess]

I think this is great. Good for you two for being able to become friends. You guys are cute.

Also, Torsten's ex was named Kristy (spelled differently, obviously) too. But she and I have never met.

[alyndabear]

I read this on Kristie's blog, and was gobsmacked, I had no idea about your history together. You guys are fantastic!

[Closetmom]

GREAT post. I'm putting Kristie's blog on my reader too!