Never Alone

So, I'm not pregnant. I thought I was. I hoped I was. And, what's more, I had reason to be rather optimistic this month—which was, I have to say, quite a refreshing change of pace compared to the seven previous months when my body basically did one long variation of flipping me off. But, I'm not. No Christmas baby. No fellow Capricorn running around the house. (Which would have been fun. Think of how insane we could have driven Mike, what with all the combined anxiety and hand wringing we'd do.)

I am staying positive. And come tomorrow, after a champagne-soaked night, I'll be positive again. But throughout this process there's always one day of the month that's harder than any other. For this month, that day seems to be today.

My palms become really clammy whenever I get the urge to talk about our "problems" getting pregnant—I use quotes because our problems very much fall under the headline of Definitely Could Be Worse—because it's tricky ground to tread and I don't want to develop some sort of subtitle after my blog that is some variation of Trying to Conceive. We are trying to get pregnant—or, as I like to call it Project: Trying To Get Knocked Up—but we're also trying to find a great desk for my office. I'm trying to gather the motivation to get up and run in the mornings. Mike and I are trying to decorate our house and host more poker nights. We're trying to get prepared for our housewarming party and our nephew's second birthday in the coming weeks. We're trying to plan our anniversary trip, and I'm trying to decide how many shoes I should bring with me to BlogHer (10? 12?). I think about having a baby a lot and we talk about having a baby a lot and I already know how I'm going to tell Mike when the time comes. (I wish I could tell you how, but that would totally ruin the fun of telling you WITH PICTURES, and—wow—I am the most patient woman alive. Send shoes.) But whether or not it takes us another year or it happens in a few weeks (um, that'd be nice, if someone could go ahead and make that happen) I know our ultimate goal has always been the same, regardless of how long it takes us to get there. We thought the road would be short. We were wrong. But we'll keep on. And we have so many things to enjoy along the way. For instance: I am enjoying Carly on American Idol. I already know you are not, Internet, so don't feel you have to tell me.

I was kind of excited about a Christmas baby, sure, but I don't want a Christmas baby or a summer baby or a baby who sleeps through the night or a baby who doesn't. I don't want a baby who will walk at nine months or will crawl until their second birthday. I don't want a baby with dark hair or light eyes. I just want a baby. Period.

I try to find the silver lining in all situations because it does seem like a better solution than ramming one's head into the wall until passing out. And I have a silver lining: this weekend is Natalie's bachelorette party, and if that's not the single-best reason to down a glass of champagne or seventeen, then, really, I don't know what is. If you've read this site for any amount of time, you've heard me mention Natalie—most recently in my timelines—but there will never be enough words in the world to really talk about her. I've had some low moments throughout all of this, and she's listened to me work my way through them. One night, when I was especially sad, when I was succumbing to some tears, I called her, and I told her I didn't know why I was so sad right then, but I was. And she listened and then she said, "You'll have a baby. Even if I have to carry it for you."

Sometimes the silver linings are hard to find—they're lackluster and grimy and we're just too damn clouded by all the frustrations and stress. And, other times, the silver linings—the friends, the times with those friends spent consuming copious amounts of champagne—blind you with their magic. No, I don't have a baby yet. But when I do, I have just the person I want him/her to meet.

Comments

[Raven]

*HUG*

I wondered why you needed to call the doc today.

What an awesome thing for her to say honey. My sister told me she'd have a baby for me, but then she'd be 500 lbs and that is just right out. Gotta love priorities right?

[rebecca]

Darling, darling, darling...what can i say? I know the day you are talking about, i know that you will get over it, but that day...it is hard. just know that things happen in their own time, and that time is better than we can imagine, much better than anything we can plan. i don't know your stance on religion or God, but know that I am praying for you. *hugs*

[Natalie]

I'm so sad for you. I wish there was something that I could do. That's how I "deal" with problems by doing, and I just can't do anything. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or someone to cry with you have me. Here's to next month....

[Bug's mama]

hey, I'm delurking for this post.... been reading you for a month or two. I've been there, I've wished the very same things, i totally understand. it is not something anyone will get unless they've been there, and I have. I pray that things will happen quickly for you, I really do. For us, it didn't and we adopted our baby girl. She will be 18 months tomorrow. She is the most amazing thing that even happened to me. If i had known then what I know now, I would have just been content with what was happening to my body, would have accepted it, but unfortunately it doesnt' work that way. Just know that it will end, you will be a mom and someday you will hold the most perfect being in your arms. And all the agony will be worth it, I promise.

[Ann]

I found you from SAJ and have really loved reading your archives and feeling like I know you, in an internet kind of way of course. I really do love your writing and of course your shoes!

I am a mom of two and was your age when I got pregnant with our son. Although I was very lucky and didn't have to try too hard to get knocked up, I can totally relate to your desire to have a baby.

The only unsolicitated advice I can give you is to not follow your "lady" calendar too closely. You may be an early or a late ovulator, I am an early, which means you should start doing the deed pretty much as soon as you finish your period. Shag every other day for the entire month and hopefully things will happen. I know this is perhaps too much info from an internet stranger, but this is how I helped my best friend get preggo after trying for more than 9 months.

Best of luck.

[Ann]

I should have also said that my kids are 6 and 3, and I am a Canadian reader. Not sure why I want you to know that, but ok.

[Elizabeth]

I am so sorry. I just can't imagine how hard this must be. I really admire your grace in the face of this adversity.
But I know that you are going to get there, you are. And I absolutely can't wait for the day I hear that good news.
I am rooting for you with all of my being.

[jodifur]

It'll happen, it'll happen. And I spent this week thinking I was pregnant also but I promise you I was not nearly as excited you. (I'm not.)

"I am enjoying Carly on American Idol. I already know you are not, Internet, so don't feel you have to tell me." Oh hon, really, we gottatalk. Carly, man, SHE'S A PLANT!!!!!

[Kate]

I'm so sorry you're having one of "those" days. I hope very soon that you can have happy news to share with us.

On a side note, one of my best friends had some difficulty getting pregnant and another friend told her to drink red raspberry leaf tea. I don't know how long she did it, but she ended up pregnant. You might at least check it out.

[Mandee]

I'm so sorry! But it sounds like you have a great friend to fete this weekend, so have a great time!

[anne]

I know I have said something similar like this before - but it will happen and you are young, so there is a lot of time for it to happen.

Continue to do those things you mentioned, but don't do them just to pass the time until you have a baby, do them because that is your life. You guys are newlyweds. Enjoy that time together, before you have a bunch of rugrats running around. Enjoy it for real. Drink and party and hang out on the couch and of course don't stop trying. But just relax about it and enjoy your life and you will see things will happen.

[Katie]

You are right, you aren't alone. You have all of us here in the blogosphere sharing this journey with you. Hoping something happens soon for you. (But is it bad for me to hope for it to happen right after BlogHer? I am so looking forward to having a margarita with you!)

[moo]

It is SO HARD to want something so bad and to have to wait for it to happen.

It will happen for you, eventually, although I know that's not what you want to hear right now.

Don't be afraid to make an appointment with your GYN to discuss your concerns.

[slynnro]

I so hope something happens for you, sooner than later. Because duh, you are a nice person and will be a great mom, and also because you will be a funny pregnant person I'm sure of it.

[Someone Being Me]

I am so sorry, hon. It isn't fair. But I am also a believer in timing. Sometimes the timing just isn't right. Maybe you are supposed to get pregnant until after BlogHer. What fun is a pre-conference cocktail party with no cocktails? In all seriousness, I am thinking about you. Sending positive thoughts.

[Jennifer H]

It is almost like you read both my mind and my heart and have written exactly the things I wanted to say this week but didn't know how to put into words. Thank you. And I, too, am sorry that just wanting this can't make it happen for you.

[jonniker]

Me neither, babe. Right there with you, but dude, we will be! And ultimately, like all long journeys, it will work out the way it was supposed to, and then we won't know any other way, truly.

[bethany actually]

I've been where you are, and it's not fun. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. ENJOY the bachelorette party! You are truly blessed to have Natalie as your friend.

[Janssen]

Oh, this post breaks my heart but makes it whole at the same time. I'm more than impressed that you can look at the good things when the thing you want most isn't panning out yet.

But it will and when it does, we will all be out in throngs to tell you how thrilled we are for you.

[closetmom]

my heart totally breaks for you, and I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. It was 2.5 years, with a couple miscarriages before we finally conceived my son. And now, my brother--got married in December, annoucned last month (or two months ago now) that they're pg. It's soo unfair. We've been trying for number 2 off and on for 4.5 years, and it's so hard when it happens so easily for others.

I so hope you're already seeing as specialist. Don't wait. Don't let them tell you that anything under a year is fine. Take action now if you haven't!

You are going to be such a great mother, and I KNOW it's going to happen for you.

[Jenna]

Wow. That totally choked me up. It took us a year and a half to conceive our first. Hang in there...it is a difficult road, but when you get to the intersection, it was definitely worth the trek. I'm sure it is hard to look ahead, but it sounds like you will get there in one way or another.

[Angella]

I REALLY want you to get knocked up. And to get new shoes.

Both would be awesome.

[Rachel]

Sorry you have to deal with all of this...I have those fears all the time. I have nightmares about not being able to get pregnant, and I'm not even married yet.

I have been on birth control for 9 years, and I feel like it's going to be so hard to get pregnant, but I'm hopeful. You will be a great mother when it happens!

[Jess]

I'm sorry that this process has been so frustrating for you. And I hope that it all works out for you soon. And I am so excited for the photo essay of how you break the news to Mike!

Also, Torsten and I both enjoy Carly very much. We were so relieved she didn't get voted off this week.

[merrymishaps]

That was really amazing. Thanks for sharing.

[Pickles & Dimes]

This was really beautiful to read. I hope everything works out for you and Mike.

[Jen]

I'm in the same boat - I just wish I could put it into words as beautifully as you do. I always thought that if I were really a true writer, I would be able to write about these things well, but I just can't seem to do it. So I'm so glad to be able to read here and know that I'm not the only one.

[Michelle]

I want to hug you right now. Natalie... blows my mind. She is an amazing person.

[banana]

I feel your frustration. Although mine is a different road block, it can be such a challenge to know you are ready for the next step and bot be able to take it. I'm sending out good thoughts your way. Mike, baby and you will make a wonderful family.

[sarah]

your baby is just waiting it surprise the pants right off of you. The baby just wants a really big and dramatic blog entry that's it I'm sure.

[Leah]

It sucks. Boy oh boy does it suck. But as you said, some days are worse than others, which also means some days are better than others! Here's to more better days in between now and the BEST day.

[jean]

I know how you feel. I've been there and it's hard. It took me a long time to get pregnant but I finally become a mom. Even after 12 years I still remember the sadness I felt, every month another reminder, another month seemingly wasted. Hang in there. Keep living the rest of your life and try not to dwell on this one aspect. You have alot of support here (judging from the comments)and you have your family.

[MissyE]

Sending my hugs, prayers, and happy baby thoughts. This quote has gotten me through many a tough time: "To truly appreciate the beauty of a sunrise you must wait in the darkness".

[Larissa]

Hang in there! Champagne and poker nights with friends is a great way to wait it out.

[Kerri Anne]

I find myself already so excited! for you, because I just know it's going to happen, and when it does it's going to be all the more sweet. Sending you hugs galore in the meantime.

[Kristabella]

Hugs to you honey!

You have a really great attitude about it. It sucks, but yep, you have other things to look forward to. And it will happen. It will happen when it is supposed to happen.

Like after BlogHer so we can be shitfaced together!

Hang in there lady!

[Heather B.]

I just wrote a very long paragraph on my blog about Pregnancy By Association and how I always think I might because I'm thinking about it all the time because I want my friends to get pregnant. So, really, I'm blaming you now.

As much as I want to enjoy some Prosecco with you, I think I would enjoy that you were pregnant so much more.

[Moose]

I will think "baby baby baby" for you. Because my thoughts have POWER. (Ahem.)

[Constance The One Hundredth]

My sister made me the promise that she would carry a baby for me if she had to when I had a cervical cancer scare a couple of years ago. Those are the kind of people you want in your life! It turned out that I didn't need her to follow through with that promise and I now have a 6 month old daughter and no cancer. You have a great friend! Keep relying on the support of others and don't lose hope that everything will work out beautifully!

[Jennifer]

Here via Five Star Friday.

Powerful post. I never know what to say in situations like these, when people are having trouble getting pregnant. I hope it happens for you soon.