Things I Learned While Watching The Bachelor Last Night, Part Three

(Week one. Week two.)

1. Shayne kept stressing the "honest truth" on the group date, and the phrase seemed kind of redundant to me, yet no-one else seemed to catch this—everyone else was nodding along like "yep, yep, honest truth, got it." But isn't honest truth sort of like SAT test? Shouldn't the truth be honest, you know, without having to preface it that way?

2. There is something about Robin that makes me want to drop kick her. It may be her smile or her too-white sneakers or ... something ... I don't know. But I do know I have a strong urge to knock the girl over the head with her parents' fancy tea maker.

3. Amanda thought Matt was a horrible dancer. Did anyone else think, Why, Amanda, that's very kettle-like of you? (Pot. Kettle. Black. Yada. Yada.)

4. Holly? HOLLY! Before you met Matt you knew you wanted to move to London? I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU. Sorry, darling, I don't think Matt did either. (And was that an embellished BUTTERFLY on your painfully bright pink top? Do you wear that sort of thing to your book signings? You know, for the books you authored? The books Amazon has NO RECORD OF.)

5. I like Amanda—she's nice, the hiccups are endearing, she's got fantastic hair—but do you get the sinking impression she would not understand half the things you brought up in a normal conversation? The upcoming election, global warming, the plot of your average Dr. Seuss book?

6. Hearing Mike yell from the kitchen, "OH NO SHE DIDN'T" makes watching this crap completely worth it.

7. (Must buy Route 44 Diet Cherry Limeade for next week. I finished my large drink half-way through and am still thirsty.)

8. Ashlee can't seem to form complete sentences. Ashlee! Use your words!

9. Shayne, wow, I can't believe I'm going to say this: I apologize for the alcoholic jab I made at your expense last week. Even though you're obviously a wack-job who still hasn't grasped the entire PREMISE of The Bachelor (he cannot cut the season short and whisk you off to some island because you are painfully immature; why do you seem genuinely shocked that he is STILL (OMG!) dating other women?) you still didn't SHOW YOUR BREASTS to him right before a rose ceremony and then almost fall off the couch. Kelly, sweetie, call your sponsor as soon as you get home.

10. Ashlee, I never particularly cared for you, admittedly, but even I felt badly for you after that horrific display of, um, WHAT EXACTLY WAS THAT? Here's a basic rule of thumb: Never sing immediately after being rejected on national television—even if you are a singer/songwriter. Speak slowly, clearly and eloquently to show America you are a classy woman who deserves her own season of The Bachelorette. BUT SING? DO NOT DO THAT. And if you must. IF YOU JUST HAVE TO SING? Please (PLEASE!) sing in tune and MY GOODNESS remember the words.

11. Based on Ashlee's little "performance" at the end of last night's episode, it would seem that this season girls are stretching the truth in the blank on their application form. Do you go to church sometimes and then talk about that church when you're around town? Yes? THEN YOU WORK IN CHURCH MARKETING! Did you put together a book to tell the kids you used to nanny that you miss them? WELL THEN! You're a children's book author! Do you sing at awkward moments? SINGER-SLASH-SONGWRITER! Did you name drop your way into Endless Bummer? ACTRESS!

12. I think Noelle is the dark horse. I see her in the final three.

13. Watching The Bachelor makes me talk/write/blog in all caps. I CANNOT HELP IT.

Comments

[Dianna]

And, not to sound rude whatsoever, how many more weeks is the Batchelor on?!

[K]

As great as all these Bachelor reviews sound I'm content to watch Beauty and the Geek instead. ;) Last night they had to act out scenes that they created for a soap opera...

[slynnro]

You are making me regret not watching the Bachelor this time.

[jonniker]

I, too, now regret not watching The Bachelor, but what this reminds me of is The Millionaire Matchmaker on -- what else? -- Bravo (my boyfriend!). They're interviewing this girl for one of the millionaires, and say to her, "So, I hear you're a marketing executive! What a great job!"

The girl: "Yes I am! I work in payroll."

Only on TV can PAYROLL become "marketing executive."

[AshleyD]

Wasn't it such a great episode! Kelly, what were you thinking? It's normally not a good idea to get completely wasted and show the guy your breasts if you want him to ultimately marry you. Ashlee was so annoying I'm glad she didn't get a rose. At this point I'm really pulling for Amanda and Noelle.

[Jeanelle]

I think Amanda will be in the final three but totally agree with you about Noelle. There was something about her in her cute (was it yellow?) dress. And Drunk Kelly made me laugh so hard -- did you notice how she couldn't even stand straight during the rose ceremony?

[Nic]

The main reason I'm watching is the excited anticipation with which I wait for Shayne's departure video. CANNOT WAIT.

How about poor Ashlee only being able to be seen as a songwriter?

[Rhi]

I think I might work in church marketing!

I hated this episode. I have nothing to write about it. Except that when Ashlee is 29 and single, she can talk to me about meeting a guy who likes her for her. NOT UNTIL THEN.

[rebecca]

you make me want to watch the show. and I have NEVER had a desire to watch the Bachelor. Rock of Love, sure, but never the Bachelor.

[Biddy]

i watched it last night for the first time in years.

O.M.G.

i seriously wanted to barf. in fact, i think i did.

especially after ashlee "sang"

[ali]

the spontaneous singing. killed. me.

[Michelle & the City]

i was SHOCKED when kelly flashed him! i mean, seriously?!!

and i wonder why holly went home? hmm maybe because she BLATANTLY LIED about knowing she wanted to move to london before she ever was on the show! please, i could detect the lie from all the way in ohio.

and don't worry you're not alone, the bachelor makes me TYPE IN ALL CAPS TOO! ;)

[Kristabella]

Seriously, what is wrong with me? I like Robin and I want her to win. I always hate who everyone else hates! Maybe I should STOP WATCHING!

I hate Shayne. Like HATE her and her slurred speech.

Why, Kelly? Why?

I thought Chelsea would be in the top 3 until the previews.