Warning: Excessive talk of cat puke

A few days ago Jennie sent me - Heather B. of No Pasa Nada - an email asking if I had time in my rather hectic schedule of sitting around and staring out the window, to guest post for her this Friday since she would be away for work. It took me exactly five minutes to reply that I was not busy and obviously so since I was able to get back to her immediately after I got her email. Of course then I did a bit of hyperventilating as I am prone to do because what the hell would I write about? Also Jennie is JENNIE and every time prose runs from her brain to her fingers to the page I curse the Universe for not giving me that kind of talent.

So later that day I went to get some wine - Riesling if you must know since I'm headed towards my light summer phase also because when it's good and cold, the second it hits your lips you want to be sitting on a backyard patio with an outdoor Mediterranean kitchen. While someone grills shrimp and corn and roasted peaches and excuse me because I've digressed and there is drool all up on my desk. Anyway, I get home with my Riesling and say hello to the animals. My roommate has a dog and a cat; Daisy and Simon. Daisy is perfectly pleasant and sweet as can be. Simon ripped a chunk out of my leg WITH HIS TEETH when I first met him. I ended up spending months walking around my apartment with a spray bottle to shoot streams of water at him anytime he entered the room. He now snuggles next to me while I'm typing and follows me around the kitchen while I bake and curls up in the nook of my arm and is so god damn precious that it makes me forget about the massive scar on my leg.

I say hello to the animals and they both eye me for getting to be outside and in the sunshine while they sat around the house watching Oprah all day long. I'm wearing flip flops and the second I step into the kitchen I feel my left foot slip from under me. I manage to regain my balance and grab onto the door frame and turn on the light. I look down as I mutter a hearty the hell?! and what I see when I look down and survey my kitchen causes me to recoil in fear.

It's cat puke. And not just one small pile of cat puke. It's like Simon ate furiously then purged each and everything he had ever eaten in weeks. If he were a human he'd be all "What the hell? When did I have corn?" The first pile that I had stepped in was the largest of the THREE piles. He puked in the door way. Walked in his puke then puked again. Walked in his puke then puked again by the window.

I remove my shoe and hop around on one foot while screaming maniacally because WHAT THE HELL there is CAT PUKE from a cat that ISN'T EVEN MINE all over my damn kitchen. Meanwhile Daisy and Simon just casually stare at me then Daisy walks over to me and is all sad eyes because she wants to go out and Simon starts weaving around my leg that is still on the ground wanting some love and I'm about ready to punt that little shit off the balcony. I then briefly contemplate leaving a note taped to a bottle of Clorox for my roommate saying that she should clean up after her damn cat and perhaps call her to tell her that her cat is about to be choked because DUDE it was EVERYWHERE and I needed my damn wine to be chilled.

But I'm nice so I clean up the puke without gagging and promptly email Jennie. I tell her that she's going to get a kick ass Pulitzer Prize winning essay on how my cat puked everywhere thus rendering me unable to get to my wine. Which is really the most important part of this story. Jennie writes back to me "You can even add that another good reason not to have pets is because when you put a beer on the coffee table they may "unintentionally" knock it over and then LAP IT UP themselves. Nobody wants to compete for alcohol with their dogs"

And that was the second I realized that if I didn't adore Jennie before I sure as shit did now. Because it's hard not to appreciate someone who gets you and knows that when it comes down to animal versus alcohol the animal will lose. So I had a come to Jesus talk with Simon where I shook my finger at him and said "If you ever screw with my drinking time again. You will be hanging off the balcony by your tail". He then sprinted away to my roommate's bed and I enjoyed my semi-chilled wine. Wine that would have been chilled perfectly if I hadn't had to maneuver around cat puke to get it into the fridge.

The end.

Comments

[Nicole]

OK. I have got to quit reading She Likes Purple because now I am getting hooked on other blogs. Jennifer, are you reading this? Stop adding wonderful women bloggers to my life! If I show up at work half an hour early to check them out, I will blame you.

On a serious note, I'm really enjoying the guest bloggers but look forward to your return. :)

[Moose]

I love you both. Quite a lot. Even more after the cat puke/dog lapping beer stories. Which probably says something (vaguely disturbing) about my character.

[Kate]

Be glad you had shoes on.

[slynnro]

How does a cat make that much puke? They aren't even that big.

[Angella]

Cat puke = HATE.

You and Jennie = LOVE.

The end.

[merrymishaps]

Oh, I have blogged about cat puke more than once. I don't believe it has ever affected my drinking yet. However, it has affected my sleeping.

Nothing like being all snuggly and warm at 4 a.m. only to be awakened by the familar pre-puke horking, then trying to locate and toss the cat out of the bed before you have to turn on the lights and change the sheets in the middle of the night ...

Still, I couldn't live without my little furballs!

[Camels & Chocolate]

All this time, I thought Simon was your cat. Although it's probably a similar case to mine: Scott has a cat (for 10 years) and I love it at times and refer to it as "Our Cat" but the second he does something dumb LIKE LEAVE YELLOW PAWPRINTS DOWN THE BACK OF MY TRENCHCOAT, he reverts back to being "Scott's Damn Cat."

[Camels & Chocolate]

All this time, I thought Simon was your cat. Although it's probably a similar case to mine: Scott has a cat (for 10 years) and I love it at times and refer to it as "Our Cat" but the second he does something dumb LIKE LEAVE YELLOW PAWPRINTS DOWN THE BACK OF MY TRENCHCOAT, he reverts back to being "Scott's Damn Cat."

[Natalie]

Love the story! We have also had a cat puke history with all our cats, and now they are banned from indoors, and have become outdoors cats. When they did live inside my mom would run around chasing them and hissing at them to throw up on the tile.

Now, that I have a dog I have continued this tradition and chase Barley to throw up on the tile. And he is much smarter than the cats and promptly gets on the tile to throw up.

My cousin has been all up in arms with this technique, because she wants to know if we would like to be chased around while puking. I told her I have a brain and am smart enough to make it into the toilet most of the time.*

I think that you and my mother would get along because she is now on a Riesling kick. And she wants me to buy it for her whenever I see her. So, I feel that you would have many cat trauma issues to discuss.

Although totally different story, she rescued a feral cat off of the highway median, and has since bonded with it, and it is now called "ity bity"

For all of you who waste your money on vet bills, none of my moms cats have been to the vet, except Miss Blackie to get her baby carriage out. Everyone else has to rough it!

[Kristie]

This is so strange, but I JUST NOW cleaned up cat puke. Bastard cat.

[Kristie]

What are the odds I'd find this post on Apartment Therapy today of all days?!

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/la/cleaning/how-to-naturally-clean-up-pet-vomit-from-carpet-052135

[lissa]

I love my cat but when he pukes I do want to murder him.

[K]

I'm pretty sure that if my roomie's cat puked and my dog had free range of the apartment, she'd eat it- Yuck. She's still crated when I'm not home for her own safety. At least the cat puked in the kitchen... it's far easier to clean a kitchen floor than a carpeted floor.

My dog's tail is at coffee table level so she's been known to knock cocktails and beer off. She's usually too scared afterwards to go back and lap it up though. ;)

[ali]

i had a really bad experience with my sister's cats and puke while she was away. i could NEVER had cats for this very reason. EW.

[She Likes Purple]

I am back from Los Angeles! Am exhausted! But I am finally reading this post--post GOLD, I might add--and am laughing so hard. At the post, at the comments, at my sheer luck for knowing bloggers who are totally cooler than me. Thanks, Heather.

[Kristabella]

I hate cat puke. I deal with it FAR. TOO. OFTEN. And I always know who did it because the one cat hides the minute I find it. She knows she's guilty and is not going to get any treats!