In which I ramble incoherently in someone else's house ...

Well, hello there! I'm ... well, I'm feeling rather nervous, if you can believe it, because this group is a strange group with only a few familiar faces, and I am NAKED, just naked right now and I'm totally going to take advantage of it. (Also, that line makes me think of Jennifer Love Hewitt and her one Top 40 hit "Barenaked" which I am embarrassed to admit that I sort of liked ... aaand also, I like Jennifer Love Hewitt quite a bit, despite the fact that people call her "Love" (GAG) and this definitely includes The Ghost Whisperer, where I am riveted by her spider-leg eyelashes and massive boobs. Do you hate me yet?)

I'm Jonna, by the way -- of Jonniker, if you didn't know, and why would you? -- and Jennie asked me to post in her stead while she's away on business.  To be honest, this is something I've never done before, mostly because I'm a pansy and don't want to ruin someone else's blog. And worse, I am a REALLY awful blogger to write something in one contained post, because I tend to go all over the place (see: Jennifer Love Hewitt and her MEZMERIZING BOOBS).

So ha ha! Why should this be any different? For the briefest of backgrounds, I'm a 32-year-old freelance writer married to the delightful Adam, and have recently relocated to Vermont from Florida, although Boston is my home, mostly. Oh, and I've been trying to have a baby for like, a really long time, and last time I checked, I didn't have one, or even the beginnings of one. I am not convinced any of this will be relevant to the post at hand, because -- per usual -- I have NO IDEA where I'm headed with this.

Can we talk for one second about infertility-lite, which is sort of what I have, for the moment (let's leave medical specifics out of this, shall we? Because I won't be able to do it well). While some people get up in arms when people ask if they're trying, or when they're going to start having kids, I am bothered by the fact that people tiptoe around us like we're broken. No one asks about it because they're afraid I'm a petite little flower who's going to blow up and begin weeping uncontrollably in their face. And you know, that's kind of insulting -- for starters, anyone who knows me realizes that's not particularly likely, and secondly, by avoiding it, it becomes this HUGE PINK ELEPHANT in the room. And the fact that it's become an elephant, not the situation at hand, is what makes me want to cry.

Nowhere, by the way, is this elephant more obvious than when my stepmother spends twenty minutes updating me on my brother's two little boys, then pausing for like A REALLY LONG TIME before blindly asking, "So, ah, how's Sunny? We really need to get a picture of her for the grandkid wall!"

Sunny is my dog. And while yes, she's my baby right now, she is not, in fact, an actual baby, and I know my stepmom is just trying to relate, and yes yes, I do love her for it, but I wish she would JUST ASK ME ABOUT THE ELEPHANT, you know? I'd feel better than trying to pretend that my dog is equal to her grandchildren. Because while for some people, it might be, because of my elephant, it isn't, you know? So I just end up feeling sort of empty and stupid.

So I guess I'm saying, if one of your friends has an elephant, maybe think about whether she'd like you to ask about the elephant. At the least, I'm sure she'd say she'd rather you not IGNORE the elephant and talk about a dog instead. I mean, at least I would.

Ahem. It feels good to say that. Also, I found out this morning that I am not pregnant, and I'm telling you, I really thought I was. Aand, my parents arrive today. Am looking forward to elephant talk.

So, ah, here's a totally unrelated question in the world's most awkward segue: You know those dances, like the Lawnmower, The Hammer Dance, etc? Seeing as I apparently MISSED the 1980s watching too many Golden Girls episodes and sitting with my nose in a Roald Dahl book (oh, The Witches!), I ... well, I'm having a hard time believing that anyone actually DID those dances back then, although once, at a fraternity formal in college, some dude busted out with the running man in utter sincerity and nope, we never went out again. Does this make me shallow? Probably. But I'm telling you, I couldn't marry someone who did the running man without the SLIGHTEST TOUCH of irony, and it was time to just ... well, get out while I could, I suppose, before a lifetime of running man's flashed before my eyes.

(And let's forget that once, I fell in love with a guy I saw breakdance at a bar in college. I am an onion of many incongruous layers. That guy, by the way, is now a pastor at a southern super-church and is married to a bottle blonde wife with acrylic nails and huge, barrel-curled bangs. And let's just say that's not a lifestyle I ever dreamed of, which means that I TOTALLY should have stuck with my dancing instincts on that one. A narrow miss, I tell you, A NARROW MISS.)

(My husband is not a dancer. No surprise there.)

Oddly, this is in conflict with my general feelings on dancing, which are that if you're going to dance, you have to go WHOLE HOG. You can't be tentative, you can't be a pansy. You just ... well, you just have to go for it, because nothing is worse than a dancer who's just awkwardly going through the motions, you know? It's like you can just SEE that they are in agony, which puts the witness in agony which ... well this, my friends, is why I don't dance. The genesis for this topic is because at the moment I wrote this last night, my husband was inexplicably watching quirky wedding dances (mostly based off of the Evolution of Dance, which surely you've seen, yes?) on YouTube while an NBA playoff game languished on pause. I don't get it, either, and I'm SO FIRED as a wife if he finds out I told you that. So don't tell anyone, okay?

And finally, because frankly, I've likely bored you to tears and lost Jennie as a friend at this point, I'll leave with a product recommendation. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm a picker -- gross as this is, I CANNOT let a whitehead just lay there, which often means that I'm either making zits worse, or creating one from nothing more than a tiny clogged pore. Either way, the result is an unpleasantly polka-dotted face. Non-pickers do not understand this, but I'm sorry, I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU EITHER. Also, if you have a whitehead, I am likely spending the bulk of our conversation wondering how I can politely ask you if I can take care of that for you. Which makes me gross. So utterly gross, I know, but I CANNOT LOOK AT THEM WITHOUT THE URGE.

GAH GAH GAH.

Enter Mario Badescu drying cream. Holly recommended the lotion here, but my preference is for the cream, mostly because my zits tend to be of the underground variety. And this stuff DRAWS THEM OUT, YO. As in, you put it on the night before, and the next morning, yes, yes, you have a zit that may, um, need to be popped (SORRY SORRY SORRY), but if you take care of business (GENTLY), and reapply the drying cream THE NEXT NIGHT AGAIN, you will wake up the next day and it will be very nearly gone. Poof! LIKE MAGIC. A word of warning, however: Unless you are the color of lemon curd, this cream is NOT skin tone and will not conceal in the slightest. Use at night, dude, when no one can see you and your lemony zits.

And now that I've grossed you all out, I think maybe I should wrap this up. Thanks for listening and thanks to Jennie for having me.

Have an awesome Thursday, Friday and beyond if I don't talk to you again you know, like ever!   

Comments

[Nicole]

Holy crap! This was hilarious!

[Mandee]

I love your incoherent rambling--no matter where you are!

I don't have any sort of elephant, but I do have a framed 8 x 10 picture of my dog. I received it from my sister (a mother to an actual human child) and my mother (ditto, obviously) for Mother's Day. Now, what in the world am I supposed to do with that? I brought it into my office to show my secretary, but I'm just not sure I'm the type of person to hang a studio portrait of my dog on my office wall.

[Kitty]

What a wonderful guest post! And wow, from a fellow picker, thanks a million times for the recommendation. I'm totally going to have to give it a shot. Does it bleach the sheets, though? I've tried a couple of similar sounding products in the past, and they have all bleached any fabric they come into contact with....

[merrymishaps]

Great guest post. Blogs are supposed to be rambling, right?

And I totally watched Jennifer Love Hewitt's Party of Five spin-off show that failed but probably helped launch Jennifer Garner's career ...

[Kristie]

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one fascinated by Jennifer Love Hewitt. She's a hottie!

[jonniker]

Oh wow, um, Mandee, I don't know what I'd do with that one, either. Actually, that would probably make me EXPLODE under the current circumstances. So let's hope that my parents don't pull that, eh? A FRAME. DEAR GOD.

Kitty: It definitely doesn't bleach the sheets in my house, although I use cream/beige sheets, so I'm not sure I'd notice. But it doesn't appear to have any bleaching agents in it, although you may want to check the ingredients, as you'd know better than I.

[Jess]

It's hard with elephants, because some people want to talk about them and some people really, really don't. I think you are right that it's important to consider the particular person instead of just instituting a blanket policy of Avoiding the Subject.

I wish you were pregnant too.

[Someone Being Me]

Wow, I am not even sure what to say. I am in the camp of ignoring the elephant except with very, very close friends. I agree with the whole dancing thing. My husband does not dance, at all. Neither do I. I am also so with you on the Ghost Whisperer thing. How does someone who is married to a paramedic and runs an antique store afford to never wear the same outfit twice? And all those nighties? THAT is the true mystery of the show.

[jonniker]

SBM: That's totally cool! I'm not saying EVERYONE is in the "Expose the Elephant!" camp -- in fact, my husband is in the "OMFG PUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE CLOSET!" camp. But since I'm a talker-througher -- and I don't usually get emotional about it -- I'm cool with it. And people who know me would know that about ANYTHING else, but for some reason, because it's THIS topic, it makes people act in ways they wouldn't normally act around me, I guess is what I'm saying.

[Val]

I have an elephant, and I'm definitely of the not wanting to talk about it variety for the most part. Mostly with my mom. Because she gets so recommendy and advicey. I know she only means well, but it gives me an unpleasant feeling in my belly every time I know we're about to talk about it. On the other hand, my closest friend asks often, and I don't mind a bit. She's more of a listener and less of an advice giver, so maybe that helps. But generally I do not want to talk about it. It makes me sad.

[Angella]

Sweet mercy, Jonna, you just get funnier anf funnier!

Please tell me you'll be in SF in July. Pretty please?

[Swistle]

You know what we need, is buttons. Pin-type, not buttoning-up type. That have a picture of an elephant on them, and the word "Yes" or "No." It could be a flip-around button with BOTH words, like those dirty/clean dishwasher magnets. And then you could change it depending on who you were talking to and whether you wanted them to talk about it or avoid it.

[Elizabeth]

Hee, this made me laugh. I needed that this morning too, so thank you.

I am so sorry to hear that you are having trouble getting pregnant, I have never been infertile, so I can't imagine how hard that must be. It sounds awful.

I am just wondering re: elephants and such, and please feel free to ignore my assvice if you want to - if it might make you feel better to just bring it up yourself? OBVIOUSLY you don't owe anyone this, and in a perfect world everyone around you would know what to say. And the burden should not be on you, who is already suffering so much. But if it did, perhaps, make you feel better just to bust out with "well, I'm not pregnant, so that sucks!" when someone tiptoed around the elephant, maybe it would be worth it.

[ali]

i can do the running man like no one's business. and i'm not even ashamed of that fact. at all. especially since, erm, you like Jennifer Love Hewitt's music. ahem.

hahahah.

awesome post, as usual :)

[jonniker]

Elizabeth: No no, not assvice. I guess my point is that I'm NOT really suffering -- not to downplay what I'm going through, but I'm pretty rational about it. When things get awkward is when I know people want to say something about it -- which is TOTALLY COOL -- but instead, say something weird and disconnected because they're afraid of me or afraid to acknowledge that the topic is kind of dangling in the air between us.

I'm a little like Alan Alda in The Four Seasons (totally old movie that NO ONE SAW BUT ME). I can't let a feeling lay there. I want to HEAR about it. I want to be asked the unasked question. I promise I'll be cool with it.

[jonniker]

Also, I meant that I wasn't feeling like you were giving me assvice, no worries. I wasn't admonishing you all, NO ASSVICE, SUCKAH.

I mean, to be clear.

[Inzaburbs]

The Running Man???? It seems I spent the 80s in much the same way as you.
Result: until 5 minutes ago, I thought the running man was my husband's invention!
Yes, he did do it, yes it was in public, and no I didn't dump him... But first he had to promise to *never, ever* do it again.

[Tessie]

I blame So You Think You Can Dance for my obsession with guys who can dance. Sorry, Running Man Guy. You're just not right for this competition.

I am really, really bummed that you are not yet pregnant.

[Jen]

I sort of want to send the link to this blog to some of my friends so that they will know that it is okay to ask me about the elephant (AKA a recent miscarriage. I've been getting a lot of awkward pauses from people lately too.

I wish you were pregnant too. I really look forward to all of your posts about pregnancy someday!

I am so glad that the drying cream is working so well for you - I have a whole gaggle of samples from MB in my bathroom (thanks to you and Holly) and need to bust those bad boys out soon!

[Leah]

A picture of Sunny for the grandkids wall? That's killing me.

[Kristen]

Seriously funny post! I second the MB drying cream. I've used it the last two nights (on my forehead that is revolting against new moisturizer) and now it's so clear! And smooth! And less like I'm 14 when am 27!

[Shelly]

That was totally hilarious. I dig guys who can't dance, too.

And I'm so sorry to hear that you're not pregnant. I'm not either, and last week I was totally convinced that I was. I completely agree on the elephant thing. I would want to be asked, too.

[Amanda Brown]

This post is racked with examples of why I love your writing. You are FUNNAY!

[Miranda]

You are all kinds of entertaining. I'll definitely be checking out your blog now. Good luck with the whole elephant thing. My husband and I just recently decided to start trying and I've already gotten glimpses of how not fun this whole roller coaster ride can be...

[Mauigirl]

Excellent post, Jonna. You really expressed the whole "elephant" thing very well.

And of course as a fellow "picker" I will check out the cream you recommend!

[Natalie]

If you have ever been to A&M, and then been in fish camp at A&M, you have done all of these crazy dances amongst 100 other people. We had to make up these dances for our college freshmen to dance to, and they included the sprinkler, roller coaster, "freak your neighbor," butt floss, and other ridc dance moves. I think that I've embarrassed myself enough for a life time.

I also am a picker, and it is so ingrained in me that I do it in my sleep! My husband will wake me up to tell me to stop picking! Probably part of my type A personality!

[Andrea]

Damn. I've been hoping for that announcement post for awhile now. I'm sorry it didn't happen again this cycle. I hope that you're making progress on the finding out why front.

As usual, this post is wrapped in awesome. It's why I love you so. but dude, Jennifer Love Hewitt? Ugh. Sorry. I can't get over her eyelashes and pinchy face. I can stand her, but I don't seek her out. In fact, I do avoid her for the most part, unless there's something I really want to watch that happens to have her in it. then I won't let her casting in it derail me.

Maybe it's boob jealousy. Could be. She has such perfect (and HUGE) boobs. When I had huge boobs (pre-reduction) they weren't perky and bouncy like that. They were horrid and heavy and saggy and I'd like to stop talking about it now. I think I will.

[Maggy]

My college boyfriend had absolutely no rhythm at all. And he would try to dance with me, but he'd just look so sincere, and count out the beats for ballroom dance on nowhere near the right beats. But he was so sincere. It was also a hoot to watch him do the Electric Slide. He just tried so hard.
My husband (not the same man) has some sense of rhythm, but he gets mad if I try to lead the dance. You think he'd know me by now.
Sorry about the not pregnant thing.
Now my punctuation keys don't work. OOh, now they do!
So, why are you naked?

[Maggy]

Okay, I read the other post. Now I get why you were naked.

[Danielle-Lee]

Oh yes, JLH's boobs are completely mesmerizing! I thought I was the only one who got sucked in by her beautiful eyes and BOOBS. jeez.
I love that damn drying cream. I have the underground variety, and that stuff is really working!
That appears to be an EXTREMELY NARROW MISS, considering the southern church members might not like the pastor's wife picking their zits and staring at boobs. :)