“Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.”*

Before I talk about stepping over a used condom in downtown Los Angeles, can I spend just a moment oozing gratitude for Heather and Jonna? They are fabulous bloggers--as I (and the Internet) know--but they are equally fabulous guest bloggers. When I called Natalie during my trip (so she could Google the closest In-N-Out Burger to me) she said, "Your guest bloggers are so funny." And Natalie knows funny. When Natalie gets drunk, she sometimes talks in nothing but Spanish. Natalie doesn't actually speak Spanish. That's funny! Don't you want to get her drunk now? Anyway, thank you Heather and Jonna for taking care of my site, for causing me to double over in hysterics on Monday, mere hours after I had to rip off the screen on our master bath window because I was locked out of my house at 2:30 am. (Husband hid the key so well, his wife couldn't find it!) To sum up, you are quality writers, quality women, and my admiration for you both is kind of ridiculous, I have to say.

::

So, anyway! I'm back! Exhausted and bloated from all the awful food I ate since I was eating on a company credit card but back all the same! I returned late last night and then sat in the D/FW airport for an extra two-and-a-half hours waiting on luggage that was there--not lost luggage, luggage that I could probably have seen if I had been allowed back in the terminal to look out the window--but luggage that couldn't be sent up to me because something was broken, some belt thingamajig that the bags are sent up on. Now, can we think about this situation for just a quick minute? Can we think about how long it took from the onset of the problem (thingamajig breaks) to the solution (thingamajig all better), and that during that (long) time I could have walked out to the tarmac and picked up my bag myself. I COULD HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER FLIGHT. Who was managing this problem? Who was standing around, surveying this broken belt and mulling over potential fixes---send the passengers to another baggage claim (hell, another terminal, even), carry the bags to the exhausted, irritable passengers ourselves, OFFER THEM COCKTAILS WHILE THEY WAIT---and settling on waiting until a thingamajig fixer can be stirred from his/her sleep, summoned out to the airport and coerced into spending hours fixing the belt. I work in management, and I think I would have a stern talking to if that was the solution I settled on with not even a mention of meal vouchers. I think I'd be sent back to management training and then TALKED ABOUT BEHIND MY BACK for my obvious asshatedness. Now, I don't usually resort to so many capped words but I was tired and whiny and grouchy and when I thought about it---sitting in a hard plastic chair reading vampire fiction---it just irritated me to no end that the airline industry is the only industry I can think of that can make you sit around, uncomfortable and exhausted and angry, for close to three hours and not have to be HELD ACCOUNTABLE for their shitty service.

All right, then. Aren't you just thrilled to have me back? Are you slowly backing away from your computer? Hiding all the sharp objects? Let me apologize. This trade show is one of my favorite times of year but it's also a lot of work with very little naps. Let's move on and talk about that condom, shall we?

So, Los Angeles? Kind of a shit hole, no? Now, granted, I didn't see all of Los Angeles this trip but it sure didn't look like an episode of The Hills, I can tell you that much. The last time I tuned in to see Lauren walking to class or eating brunch I don't remember seeing a used condom on the sidewalk beside her. Or a rat scurrying in the background. But, funny enough, that's the Los Angeles I was introduced to. Not to mention the stroll I took down a street that was apparently a gang hangout; that was interesting. Oh and that In-N-Out  Burger Natalie looked up for me? In nice-sounding Huntington Park? NOT NICE. I love that burger joint more than most--we had our rehearsal dinner there after all--but fearing for your life isn't what you imagine ordering a side of to go along with your chocolate shake and greasy burger. We did take a fairly expensive cab ride to Hollywood/Beverly Hills for the sole purpose of eating a Crumbs cupcake, and that was nice. We then strolled down Rodeo Drive in a sugar coma and in hot search of a restroom--"Do you think they'll let me use the bathroom in Michael Kors? What about Chanel? Fendi? Versace? What if I tell them that this lovely cotton dress I'm wearing is Old Navy? Think that'll persuade them?"

The show was a success and I scored a few nice books and a fun tote bag I have absolutely no space or use for, and other than bringing two left flip-flops (I have two of the same pair) making it obviously impossible for me to change out of my uncomfortable shoes before heading to the airport, therefore securing some bleed-y and puffy blisters on my heels AND toes (and other than the condom, rat and various times I feared for my life) it was a nice little break from reality.

We opted to walk to the convention center one afternoon--the day of the condom spotting, actually--and the weather was just perfect, not too hot, not too chilly. I took off my jacket and enjoyed the California sun and it dawned on me that this was weather that could sure make you overlook a lot--that scowling man with the mask on, reaching into his jacket pocket pulling out what you can only hope is a cell phone, for example. You won't hear me say a little sun doesn't go a long way. But then I caught a glimpse of the gas prices--regular gas for $4.56--and I thought, "Seriously, why does anyone live here?"

I'm sure you've wondered that a time or nine hundred about Texas,  haven't you? But as it goes with trips--even trips to the greatest of places--and traveling and lugging suitcases and airport food and cramped hotel rooms and even expense accounts: the coming home really is the sweetest part, wherever home may be.

::

*Frank Lloyd Wright

Comments

[Kelly]

You think fuel is expensive?

Here in Australia, I just filled my car up. Fuel was $1.44 a litre, which works out to nearly $6 a gallon. And that was on a cheap day. And petrol in Queensland is cheaper than other states in this country...

Wanna come down for a holiday?

[K]

Sounds like you had quite a trip. I've yet to make it to the west coast but I have been to Texas (last June in Houston) and I thought it was nice.

[Raven]

Welcome Back!

[Kim]

Just wanted to say thanks for the Crumbs link. I was looking for the perfect cupcake place to order from for my sister's bday... love it!

[Rachel]

Glad you are back! Gas is so expensive these days! I can't handle...we aren't taking any trips this summer, because of the high prices.

[Nicole]

Welcome back! We missed you.

[Robert Mass]

You managed to work the word "asshatedness" into a blog. I love it! Things like that make me check in every morning.

[Jess]

I feel like all this shit that the airlines are going through right now with loss of profits and bankruptcy and all the rest? It's their payback, their just desserts for all those years of no accountability. Except that they're making the rest of us suffer along with them. It's really unbelievable. They are the champions of passing the buck.

[Kristie]

Oh the airlines, they are quite superior aren't they? At least in their own mind they are.

Welcome back.

[Someone Being Me]

Sounds like I haven't missed much by not going to L.A. Glad you are back!

[Larissa]

Haha. This post is an exact replica of my own thoughts when I first came to Los Angeles for college. And even now, 8 years later, I still have a love-hate relationship with the city.

[Sharon]

Welcome back!

Man, I had a similar problem with an airline when I was returning home from my vacation in December. We waited about 2 hours for them to fix the luggage belt or whatever, and similar thoughts were running through my mind, as it was in the middle of the night when this occurred. Ugh.

[Sarah in LA]

Aww, it hurts me to hear you call LA a shit hole.

I agree with your thoughts on the airlines though - recently I took THE! WORST! flight from LAX to JFK on Delta. After that I was on the Queen Mary 2, and traveled around England on the train (1st class!), and I could NOT believe after being so comfortable traveling by boat/train that the airlines are still in business. It is truly an awful way to travel - too bad it's also the fastest.

[She Likes Purple]

Sarah: I'm sure I missed the lovely parts! It wasn't a fair assessment, I'm certain! Let's blame it all on the rat and the condom. (Or, better yet, the persons responsible for the condom. Yuck.)

[Kitty]

Honey pie, one of these days we'll have to leave the menfolks behind and jet out to Los Angeles for a week or so. I bet you'd change your mind and never want to leave. (Well, as long as one of us managed to win the lottery first...)

I adore L.A. It's the only place that's ever really, really, really felt like home for me, and I still get a little tiny giddy every time I see certain things that make me think of it. Like the video for 1979 by the Smashing Pumpkins...that was filmed three blocks from one of my old apartments in the Valley, not too long after I moved away.

But no, you just didn't see the right things. Promise...it's generally not really a shit hole at all. (Well, other than those few areas, but every city has 'em.) =)

[sarah]

Sorry the business trip wasn't uh-mazing; however you did walk away with free books and to me that is just wonderful!

[Maryann]

You know, you really hit the nail on the head with the comment about the airlines - it's their complete lack of accountability that pisses me off. I mean, they can commit the most egregious violation of customer service, and you have no power over them. They don't care if you take your business elsewhere, or never use them again...they know they are in a position of power. UGH. I'm getting all annoyed again just thinking of a particular experience that started with a five hour delay, included a middle seat that was COVERED in grape juice and Cheeto powder, and ended with a landing after 3:00 a.m. and luggage arriving at DFW at 4:30 a.m. I wish I could drive everywhere.

And the charging for checked luggage? You can kiss my ass American. (But I still love Southwest. Or hate them less than everyone else).

[Camels & Chocolate]

Awww, I actually liked LA. Granted, I would never live there due to the traffic alone, but the parts I saw were very Hills-like. And I heart Santa Monica.

Gas prices in CA ARE ridiculous; of course, the national average is up to $4, so it's not just here anymore.

And, honey, as a travel writer, I totally feel you on the airlines front. You'd think they'd be even nicer to travel writers who are there to write about their services (not that they should treat us any differently than your average passenger, but still you'd think they'd want good press, no?)? You'd think wrong entirely!

And for future ref, you can totally pee on the top floor bathroom of BARNEYS at Rodeo and Wilshire, and no one will even take notice of your Old Navy dress!

[Angella]

It has been six years since I have been to LA. I found it quite endearing at the time.

But I'm Canadian. What do I know?

[Kristabella]

LOVE. IN-N-OUT! I can't believe I was steps from Fisherman's Wharf and forgot to get an In-N-Out burger and fries! Although, I did have one of the best burgers ever in my life at Barney's in SF, so it totally makes up for it. I actually don't mind visiting LA. The people watching is fabulous!