His Mother

My sister and I didn't always get along. In fact, it took her moving quite a ways away from me in order for me to miss her and her insanely large CD collection. We used to fight, quite intensely and---with some time between then and now to afford us a little perspective---quite impressively, too. I still have scars (and so does she) and that's impressive! Because we were two fairly non-violent children! But put us in a room together or just leave us home alone and there would inevitably be tears and physical violence and mocking, too. My mother didn't know what to do with us for a time there. I think she really thought we'd hate one another forever, and I know it kept her up at night, racked with guilt or worry or sadness and if my sister and I regret nothing else, it's what we put my mother through all those years.

But there was a time I didn't know if we'd manage to build a friendship out of the wreckage of our relationship. I was afraid the resentment would always be too big, the differences too many, the eye-rolling too obvious to ignore. There were quite a few years I wasn't so sure we'd find our way back to each other.

Rachel moved back to California when she was eighteen and when I was just beginning my sophomore year of high school. I had never lived without her, and even though I thought I would love it, that big house all to myself, the car keys tossed into my totally incapable hands, the TV for me to watch any time of day I desired, I instantly missed her. But, unfortunately, the fighting didn't stop when she moved---although I wish I could say it did; it would make the story better, wouldn't it?---but we fought again when I visited her in California, so badly I almost had to cut the visit short. We fought one more horribly memorable time when she visited me in College Station, the first time she met Mike. And we went months without speaking after that.

I'm not proud of any of the fights---the ones that were more my fault than hers and the ones that were more hers than mine. I'm not proud of the words we screamed at one another, the tears we forced out of the other one, the scars, even. I'm not proud of all that time we wasted when we had all the time in the world to spend with one another because now it's our sad reality that we sometimes have to go years without seeing one another. In fact, it's been over a year since I've seen her, since my wedding. And I desperately want that time back, to have her down the hall, across town, even in the same country. I'd do it so differently. As would she, I think.

What I am proud of, though, is all we overcame to become friends, to become an integral part of each other's lives. We forgave each other what we wouldn't have forgiven just anyone. I am proud of who we have become and how we have fought for the relationship we have. It shows something about our character, our determination and even our stubbornness. And where I'm not proud of our actions over those twenty-some years, I am proud of us, who we are.

And I think a part of us hung on---even in the worst of times---because we knew one day we'd be adults, we'd be married, we'd have children and there would be someone very cool we'd want our families to meet---each other.

My sister gave birth to my nephew, Noah Jameson, two years ago today. I sometimes think about all my sister and I have been through, together, and what I'll tell my nephew one day about what his mother was like when she was young. How she'd hole up in her spotlessly-clean room and listen to music I was never cool enough to have heard of. How she always seemed indifferent to boys/men admiring her, and how I have always---ALWAYS---envied her hair, the hair she passed to him. How she was always so brave and, yet, she never really grasped that. How she loved spaghetti. How she was a great gymnast. How she used to take my dad's dog for a walk when she needed to smoke and, yes Noah, how she used to smoke.

Noah, despite all the fighting and silent treatments, there was always a fire in your mom I never felt in myself, a fire I always sort of longed for. She was passionate about everything---from music to the way she made her bed. She still is. She is original, one-of-a-kind, authentic, different. She always lived her life a bit on the outskirts, though. She never dived in, joined teams, struck up conversations or put herself really out there. She was always the cautious one, the guarded one, the one who you had to earn a smile or a conversation from. These aren't bad things, and in so many beautiful ways we loved her because of them, not in spite of them. But then she had you.

And now she dances and sings loudly and runs with you and lets you do things your way and is living out loud, right alongside you, in a way she never did before. In a way that is new to me because my quiet, composed sister is now shaking her ass with you on a daily basis. (Oh, Noah, your aunt says things like "ass"; you're going to totally love visiting me one day.) That stuff never came easy to her before you and then---BOOM---you came into the world all dark complexion and smiles and she couldn't help see the world differently, brighter and better. You changed my sister in an instant, in a way no other human being on the planet ever came close to.

That's fairly cool, doing all that by just being you, by just existing in the first place. It makes us adore you for bringing to your mother---my sister---a peace she has always sought for and will now have forever.

There is this tie that binds us, my sister and me, and it's been tattered and shredded and dirtied but it's never been broken. It's always stayed together, bearing the heaviest of weights. And although every time I talk to her my heart fills up and her comments on this blog have made my week at times and her e-mails get me through long, boring Friday afternoons, I think the one thing that kept me hanging on was knowing I'd get to meet you one day. Noah bug, you've given my sister two beautiful years. Thank you.

Funny, we haven't fought once since you were born. Seems like your life has been just one miracle after another.

I can't wait to see what's up ahead.

I love you. Happy birthday.

My sister.

My nephew.

Comments

[Camels & Chocolate]

Awww, what a sweet post (per the norm)! My sister and I were possibly the only pair of siblings that didn't fight mercilessly growing up, but I attribute that to the six-year age gap. I always wished I'd had a sister closer in age (on top of the one I already have, because obviously I adore her!), but I guess the grass is always greener. We probably would have boasted similar scars if we'd just been three years apart.

[Rachel]

Another birthday post for Noah that leaves me in tears. Sad tears that I was that sister once, relieved tears that we have forgiven each other, and tears of tremendous happiness for the love you have for me, but especially Noah. I will read this over and over again and somehow I will love you even more. I can't wait to see you in Sept. and see Noah fall in love with you just as I have.

[Natalie]

I love this blog! I can easily attest to the fighting that went on between you! I will never forget staying up so late with you and Rachel the night before you had to go to CA. And because Rachel was sleep deprived she refused to get onto the plane. I'm glad that you 2 have worked it out and your friendship has changed so much. I am so glad that I got to meet Noah and can't wait to see him again!

[Kristen]

I loved this post. My sister is my very best friend and while we are alarmingly different people and we used to fight like crazy, sisters are one of the people you can ALWAYS count on. No matter what. It's nice to be reminded of that.

[jodifur]

You know whats interesting. My sister and I do not have a good relationship. We never have. But her son and my son brought us closer together than anything else could have.

[Danielle-Lee]

Awwwww. Sweet post. I can't wait until my sister is an adult, so we can laugh about the frustrating times we have had the past couple of years.

[moo]

Sounds like the kind of relationship I have with my sister. Some days, with us, are better than others. It's amazing that she even likes me, for all the shit I did to her.

But I can't imagine life without her.

[Angella]

What a beautiful post, Jennifer.

My sister and I had the exact same relationship growing up, and still do.

She's an awful brat. We get along fine when we actually DO see each other (every couple of years). I just make sure the visit is short, lest she drive me completely crazy :)

[sarah]

What a special little man, Happy Birthday Noah!

[Christina]

That was awesome! One of my 3 sisters is my best friend, the other two I hardly know because we are so different, and they are 7 and 9 years younger. Despite my closness with the one we beat the living crap out of eachother growing up. We were always more physical than verbal but it was a long childhood.
I also loved this because some of what you say about your sister is me. Having my own way, being a total hard ass about that way. Not being a joiner... then I had my boy and I sing out loud and dance the the muzak in the grocery store just to make him smile. I would have never beleived that having a baby would change me so much. I am still suprised.
Happy Birthday to Noah, and to your adult relationship with your sister.

[Nicole]

I'm so glad y'all were able to forge a loving relationship. It took moving away from both my sisters and a few tears to realize how much they mean to me, and now they are by far my best friends. Such a wonderful post.

[Kristabella]

That was a great post! Nephews names Noah are the BEST!

My sister and I have had quite a similar relationship. So I know exactly what you are talking about!

[K]

I don't have a sister but my brother and I stopped talking once he hit 6th grade (he's two years older than me). Then we would only really talk to collaborate on christmas gifts for our parents. Once in college he moved to the beach and I visited him more than I would have if he didn't live at the beach. Now he has a daughter and wife (and still lives at the beach) and I've even gone to visit on my own once. We are starting to be closer now.

[Rachel]

Today is my sister's birthday, and I can relate to this post. We haven't always gotten along, but I love her. We are growing closer as days go by, and I would do anything for her.

[Jess]

This is a great post. My sister and I fought all the time too, but not physically. Still, we couldn't stand each other at all, and then when she left home, we became great friends. I look forward to being an aunt to her children and seeing her as an aunt to mine.

Happy birthday to Noah.

[StartsWithAnX]

I know what you mean about the fighting. Me and my little sister did that a lot and I flinch every time I think about it. Not so much the arguing fights, cuz that's natural, but the physical ones. I wish I could go back and give her a big hug instead.
Anyway, happy birthday to your nephew.

[katie]

The bond between sisters is pretty amazing. So mean at times, and passionate, and familar and warm.

I know how you feel about Noah because I share the same feelings for my little neice.