The View

You know what's hard for me, what's nearly impossible to come to terms with even after twenty-six years of being beat in the face with it: some people aren't going to like me. NO MATTER WHAT I DO.

Some people will always think I'm too ugly or too fat or too insecure or too liberal or too open-minded or too close-minded or too messy (which, well, they've got a point) or too happy or too depressed or too awkward or too wound up. They'll think my nose is too big or I'm too short or I don't listen to good enough music or I eat at Chili's too often or I make my dog talk or I watch too much reality television and not enough educational programming even though educational programming makes me more bored out of mind than more knowledgeable. Some people will think a million things of me, and they may dislike me for each one, and, regardless, I'd still be breathing in and out, and it would all be okay. It's even slightly self-absorbed to worry about all the ones who don't like me, isn't it? Why would I expect every breathing human to find me witty and likable?

But it's still tough, and it's something I haven't quite hurdled over yet. How to easily be myself while letting everyone else's opinions of me roll right off my back.

What's more, some of my own friends aren't going to like me sometimes. There are so few people in your life who will be with you through everything. Who will support you when you're wrong, who will comfort you when you're whiny and lame, who will defend you to other people, who will fight for you and stand up for you and will like you when you're at your worst and who will never---not for a single moment---have a hidden agenda. When they get annoyed with you, they'll tell you, and when they think you're wrong they'll say, "Hey, I love you, but that skirt is not your best look."

Of all the countless people we come in contact with in our life and the hundreds more we form real relationships with, there are maybe five people who you will ever be able to truly trust to hold your friendship in the palm of their hands without ever crushing it or letting it slip through the cracks in their fingers.

And, that's how it should be, I think. If the miracle was handed out to us all willy-nilly---at the grocery store, the movie theater, while sitting in traffic---it wouldn't be quite so beautiful. We would inevitably take those incredible friendships for granted if our life was chalk full of them.

Some friends are going to talk about you behind your back and some friends are going to let you down. And, funny enough, you'll do all of these things to friends of your own. We're all just as guilty as the next.

And it really is all okay, that some people will never like you, some people will only tell other people that they don't like you and very, very few people will ever tell you to your face when you're bugging them. And, let me tell you, those last ones are the ones you want to drink with because there will be no surprises after that last tequila shot. Well, there may be some surprises but of a completely different variety.

But, still, it doesn't make it easy just because it's okay, does it?

I was talking to Jonna yesterday---who I kind of want to visit and drink strong margaritas with; she just oozes cool and awesome energy---and she referenced this quote from Rocky:

"It doesn't matter how your life looks to other people, it matters how it looks to you."

I've been repeating that to myself since yesterday, and I even repeated it to a few other people, and I kind of want to print it out and frame it in my "writing room" and perhaps put it on shirts and hats because it's just so damn true. No, it's not easy to wrap our heads around, and it doesn't take away the sting completely when we know people are judging us, but our life is our own. And we're the only ones who have to live it.

We may as well enjoy the view even if our neighbors hate what we're doing with the place.

::

On a totally unrelated note, I'm not going to do the monthly anniversary posts anymore. But today is thirteen months---one year and one month---of marriage and, baby, thank you for changing my windshield wipers and cleaning my car the other day. It's one of the many reasons I recently said to your mom, "You know? I still really like him."

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Crazy Aunt Purl has a really good post about this - do you read her?
For the record, I like you just the way you are, Bud Light and all.

[Jess]

You are so right, there is SUCH a difference between "okay" and "easy." I keep reminding myself of that. It's okay that the apartment is messy. It's okay that you don't feel like responding to that email. It's okay that this person disagrees with you. But that still doesn't make it easy to just deal with and move on from.

[anne]

This is so hard for me. I want to shake people and be like - no really, you like me, just give me more time, I swear you will really like me. But that is not how life works. So I have to learn to accept that not everyone likes me and to do this I remember that I don't like everyone I meet. So it seems fair.

[Pickles & Dimes]

This is such a great post. I love that quote. May have to "borrow" it for my inspiration wall as well.

It's taken me YEARS to realize that it's OK that not everyone likes me. Made me less scared and nervous around people and more able to stand up to those who give me crap.

(I see you're reading "Water for Elephants." I loved that book; hope you do too!)

[Loralee]

I have been so crushed by this fact in my life. Over and over again. You would think that I would learn, right?

In some ways it is harder knowing that I DO that to OTHER people...Because I know what it feels like.

Doesn't stop it from happening, though...

Crap.

[Christina]

Since were all quotey (quotie?) I love a line from Modest Mouse, "If it takes shit to make bliss than I feel pretty blissfully." Sometimes it has to hit the fan to appreciate what is good in life. The real friends, not the strangers on the street, or even the strangers on your blog. Just be you and you wont ever sell yourself short!

[Kristie]

I promise never to talk about you behind your back. I'll just tell you what I think. :) How appropriate for today, I think.

Love ya sweets.

[jonniker]

I'm seriously laughing out loud -- I mean, not because I didn't love your post, because I did, and I agree wholeheartedly. I am a people pleaser through and through, and when people don't like me, I AM CRUSHED. But dude, as we discussed, it's not like *I* like everyone, to say the least, so why should I expect to be everyone's favorite person?

I'm laughing because I'm outed as a person who uses Little Marie from Rocky Balboa as inspiration. But I do! That movie is FRAUGHT WITH WISDOM.

Also, can we talk about my OTHER favorite quote from that movie?

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't 'bout how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done."

Who knew Sylvester Stallone had it in him?

(MOCK ME IF YOU WILL. I DESERVE IT.)

[She Likes Purple]

Kristie: And I wrote this early today. Crazy, huh?

Jonna: If you won't mock me for actually considering going on the Veronica Mars cruise, I won't mock you either. Although, something tells me my admission is way worse.

[Raven]

Friends like that are VERY hard to come by.

It's feeling near impossible at this juncture.

[La Petite Belle]

I love this post! It's so true, the insecurities thing, but I think that's how it's supposed to be when you're 20-something. I'm totally in a quarter life crisis right now but slowly (and surely) realizing that I need to lose my need for other people's approval.

[Kate]

Oh so true. Easier said than done sometimes (not caring what people think) but oh so rewarding in the long run.

I had a friend tell me something when I was a teenager and upset about fitting in and being liked, and her quote has stuck with me for 20+ years: "If you spend all your time trying to be someone else, who's going to spend the time being YOU?"

And I think I might have to borrow BOTH those Rocky quotes. Man! Those are some wise words.

p.s. I ADORED Water for Elephants.

[ali]

turning 30 did it for me.
seriously. before i turned 30 i was so self conscious. i cared what everyone thought of me...from the gas station attendant to my boss.

and now? i couldn't give a flying you-know-what. i am who i am...and if people don't like me...it's THEIR loss. because i am awesome.

:)

30 rocks!

[ali]

also...30 rock too. it's a good show.

bwah.

[Heather B.]

Ok don't tell Jonna this but I've had this big ol' girl crush on her for a year or more. But like I said, keep that between you and me.

Also here is what you COULD do. You COULD just fly on over to these parts and not only visit with her and drink margaritas, etc. but you could also see me because we live fairly close to one another. So think about that. Let it marinate a little and then get back to me.

P.S. I happen to like you just the way you are.

[Camels & Chocolate]

Well, I think you're TOO beautiful and TOO talented and TOO smart, so take that, all you jackasses out there who think otherwise.

(Though I completely know how you feel, because every time I get a negative comment on my blog -- which I promptly delete, and it's ALWAYS anon -- I'm bothered by it for a full day or two, because OMG, SOMEONE ON THE INTERNETS DOESN'T LIKE ME, SOUND THE ALARM! It's stupid, but it's human nature. No one wants to be disliked. Well, some do, I suppose. But not people pleasers like us!)

Jonna should be an Internets therapist.

[Marie Green]

Yo! Been seeing you around the blogosphere, and decided it was HIGH TIME I checked you out.

So here I am. I'm loving all the Rocky quotes. Also, I work very hard at being emotionally honest- not saying yes when I mean no, not telling lies or making up excuses, etc. People are much more giving and forgiving, I've learned, when you are volunerable and NOT trying to please them. It's such a journey though, and I forget my own stance on the subject ALL THE TIME.

So anyway, HI!

Also, I loved Water for Elephants.

[Natalie]

love the quote

[sarah]

I can assure you that I will never judge you for being too liberal-that's a promise. But I too can't take it when people don't like me, it's a very weird push pull but you managed to express it pretty darn well.

[Angella]

This was awesome, Jennifer, because I think we ALL go through this.

I am with Ali, though. Once you hit thirty, it seems to matter less than it used to.

It is still there, yes, but not in such grand proportions :)

[Mom]

Great post today. It has always amazed me that we don't like everyone we meet, but we want everyone to like us. Doesn't make sense.
Love the quote.

[Nicole]

Thank you.

[Rachel]

I can relate to these feelings...A Lot! I feel good about my life, but I sometimes feel as though people look down on me or don't like me.

[Katie]

I am so incredibly sensitive so I know how you feel about just letting things roll off your back. There will always be mean people, but then there will always be nice people. I just hope to come across more of the latter in my life.

[Kristabella]

You know, it gets easier as you get older. I know it sounds cliché, but now that I'm in my 30s (eek!) I can honestly tell you that there is almost a switch that flips and that stuff bugs you less and less and you start worrying less about what people think. I don't know if I'll ever not care, but I'm getting better with it.

[T]

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one.

I think this means we're all a bunch of people pleasers.

Which sounds like a bad thing, but really...I'd much rather be a people pleaser than a people pisser-offer.

[Heather]

Loved the quote and the book.

As I have reached my late twenties (slowly approaching 30), I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. It took along time though. I still care what people think..but just to a lesser degree. To piggy back what T said, you don't want to piss people off. :)

[OMSH]

When I got "divorced" by my best friend last year I scraped the bottom and realized that although never in a million years did I expect it, and though it hurt like heck, I would learn from it.

And I have.

And now I pretty much depend on one person - my husband, to be my friend.

Because like you said, good friends don't just fall out of trees and land in your lap (unless you're Indiana Jones - and well, he's just got it going on).

[Kerri Anne]

I really like you. Heck, sometimes I think we are the same person. Only you have way cuter shoes.

[Debbie in the UK]

Hi Jennie

I am Debbie and I live in the UK. Just wanted to say I found your site through Jonniker and I am so glad I did! I have been busy trawling your archives (Up to Oct 07 so far) and think that you are a brilliant and funny writer. I just wish I had your talent. There! Just wanted to let you know. Also, I have those fears that you mentioned a while back, that I am going to be murdered and live a lot of the time being scared!! You are not alone.

Debbie x