Searching

I don't often look at my stats for a few reasons but mostly because I think it messes with my head a little too much. If I'm having a light-traffic day I rack my head trying to think of why I'm losing readers. If I'm having a record-high day the pressure to keep the new readers around is daunting. I just think it misses the mark on why I do this, so I stopped reviewing my stats on a regular basis a while back. But every now and again I do look at them if only to see what search phrases are bringing people to my site. AND OH MY LORD, THIS IS SUCH A FUN PAST TIME.

To share the weirdness with you, here you are:

"drinking fresca when pregnant"---First, I must talk about drinking Fresca and getting pregnant far too often and, second, I can't be sure, but I think it's bad. Something about the aspartame? One of you more knowledgeable women care to chime in?

"Where's the party at bitch"---I can't get over how hilarious I find this. This may be my favorite search phrase ever to show up in my stats. Google is like this person's abused sidekick.

"turbokick cheat sheet round 29"---Oh, I wish I could have helped you. The only cheating I ever did in kickboxing was not breathing deeply when advised to because, you know, I couldn't breathe at all.

"www.she is gone to kick myass."---I don't know what hurts my head worse, trying to decipher what this means or realizing this horribly constructed search phrase brought someone to MY SITE.

"bachelor watch shane wears fun"---Seriously, why did the entire INTERNET skip its typing class freshman year of high school?

"I love purple because"---The answers are endless, I know, making it hard to fill in that blank with just one word or phrase. I understand. I DO.

"naked vacation photos"---I like that someone added "vacation" to their naked photos search. As if seeing naked people isn't enough, THEY WANT TO SEE NAKED PEOPLE AT DISNEYLAND OR ON BEACHES OR BACKPACKING THROUGH EUROPE.

"I LOVE DAVID COOK!!!!!"---First, why search this phrase? Did you find what you were looking for? I can't imagine you did since you clicked your way over to me. Disappointed, I bet. He is dreamy though, I'll give you that much.

"She likes to go naked in the street"---I think I talk about being naked too much as well. This has opened my eyes on topics to avoid for a while.

"How soon is too soon to say I love you"---If you have to ask Google, IT'S TOO SOON.

"Purple breathing"---I. Just. Don't. Know.

And, finally:

"Orgasm too peachy"---Is this a problem? Does this person want their orgasms to be less pleasant? Less peachy? Listen, if your orgasms are peachy, get off the computer and attend to them!

Comments

[Pickles & Dimes]

Oh, these are all just too awesome.

[Christina]

Those are great- the last one though, really? Too "peachy" Ive never answered "peachy" to was it good for you? HAHAH! How do you know keep track of that. I would! I am too small to be "searched" that section of my page is always blank, save for one "rockin in suburb." Lame.

[Rachel]

Love ALL of these, but I think the last one takes the cake. By the way, "takes the cake"...I don't think I have ever used this saying before, but I am totally leaving it.

[Angella]

Oh, these are awesome! I, too, avoid my stat counter for the same reasons you listed.

But the searches are what bring me back. The other day someone came to my site by Googling, "Hannah my vulva is singing".

I don't even want to know what they named their vulva...or how it was singing...or WHY THEY WOULD SEARCH THAT.

And also? Um. Why did MY site come up?

[Sharon]

Hee! Those are some awesome searches. I have my blog hidden from searches, but I'm tempted to change that just for the giggles.

People are weiiirrd, yo! ;)

[slynnro]

The bad grammar of Googlers blows my mind regularly.

[Jess]

Wow. I haven't reviewed my keyword stats in quite some time, and now I really want to.

[Camels & Chocolate]

Those are awesome -- I'm jealous! I just searched mine (I didn't even know you could do this! I'm so dumb with Google Analytics), and mine were pretty standard until you got to the third or fourth page, then they started looking like this: "kristin goonie," "veinitis," "baby nile crocodile," "fabulous fruitini," "my mom braces blog," "pull my finger meaning," "seeing double topic for pub quiz questions," etc.

[Katie]

Ha ha ha!! The "where's the party at bitch?" is killing me! I haven't checked mine in some time, but now I'm tempted to!

[Katie]

Ha ha ha!! The "where's the party at bitch?" is killing me! I haven't checked mine in some time, but now I'm tempted to!

[StartsWithAnX]

I love the "orgasm too peachy." What's a peachy orgasm? The kind you have in Georgia?

[sarah]

I try to stay away from the stats too, but sometimes you just gotta sometimes. It seems like the last couple of weeks have been slow for blogging in general. My google reader doesn't have as many entries as well as less comments and visiting on my site. Weird...maybe everyone is on some super secret vacation?

[sarah]

um sorry...I was trying to have a conversation and write my comment. What I meant to say was:
I try to stay away from looking at my stats too. But sometimes you just gotta! It seems like the last couple of weeks have been slow for blogging in general. My google reader doesn't have as many entries and comments and visits on my site are lower. Weird...maybe everyone is on some super secret vacation?

[Kristabella]

I check my stats every day for this reason ONLY. The search strings are so funny. And it isn't even that people search these weird things, it is that when they see the results on a Google page, they click through to my blog. Where I'm clearly not going to have the answer to what song Scott Baio sang to his daughter. Oh, and I also check to see who links to me, just in case some asshat is stealing my stuff. Because clearly I think I'm important enough for people to steal my writing.

[ali]

i do this every friday...if only for the shits and giggles of it, which, by the by, is a huge search term for me. hahaha!

[Nicole]

This cracked me the hell up! Fabulous way to start the worst day of the week! (Seriously, isn't Tuesday a helluva lot harder than Monday?)

[She Likes Purple]

Nicole: I have always said this! You expect Mondays to royally suck but Tuesdays tend to shock you with their crappiness, and that's not preferable.

[Kerri Anne]

I don't know, www.sheisgonetokickmyass.com is a pretty rad domain name.

[Evil Genius]

Next time, tell us where the party's at, bitch! LOL (I think I peed a little reading this!!!)

[Danielle-Lee]

Where's the party at, bitch?? Oh, that one kills me.
Can I ask what stats/counter/reader thingy do you use? I was just researching some tonight, and I need HELP!!!

[She Likes Purple]

Danielle-Lee: Mine is through Typepad. It has a stats breakdown. I'm not sure if that's offered on all account types (I have Pro).

[Kristie]

I think we all want to know where the parties at, bitch. Seriously.

That's awesome!