Reaching Out

I remember reading this post all those months ago and I remember thinking, She deserves an easy pregnancy. All women do. I also remember thinking that, wow, you sure have to be careful how honest you choose to be on your blog. Because someone, somewhere, is going to take it the wrong way and think you're whining or being ungrateful or looking a gift horse in the mouth when all you're really doing is reaching out for a hand to hold. So many women feel the need to disclaim that they're not whining or being ungrateful or looking a gift horse in the mouth in order to be open and honest and, really, that's tragic because as women we should be easiest on other women. We should be propping one another up and patting each other on the back and sending care packages and warm, fuzzy thoughts. We should not be eagerly judging from our safe corners of the world, where we're no doubt doing something wrong ourselves. It's our gender's fatal flaw, I think, that so many of us are prone to snap judgments and fake smiles. Myself included.

I threw up in my car and—fine, I'll be straight with you—on myself on the way to work yesterday. I couldn't get over in time. I couldn't reach for one of the many empty bags littering my backseat in time. There was nothing I could do. I pulled into a Wendy's parking lot just before 9am and cried because, well, throwing up on myself was not what I had in mind when I was dreaming about babies all those months ago. I called work to let them know I wouldn't be in, and then I rode home in a fog of guilt (among other things). I have a job I enjoy, and I'm not doing it to the best of my usual ability because I feel physically awful most days. I am on a steady and insanely, angrily expensive dose of Zofran. Some days it's a magic pill, and I'm able to eat an entire hot fudge sundae without problem and other days it works less magically, and I still get sick. On both the good and bad days I'm always, always tired.

Amy said in that mid-March post:

"But pregnancy...well, it's not the baby. I get that this time around. I get that my attitude towards the whole messy gestating process does not mean I have the same attitude towards the baby."

Amy is right.

I think about my baby every day, at least hundreds of times. I think about his—wait, can I just get a resounding "sure!" to using "his" because the whole its, their, his/her thing is getting rather cumbersome?—laugh and his soul and his little feet which I will absolutely put into shoes that are outrageously expensive and unnecessary. I think about Mike playing in the yard with him and Molly eventually snuggling up to him and even dropping him off at grandma's from time to time. (Or as often as we're allowed.) I also think I would really love for February to be here, like, tomorrow.

Pregnancy is hard, and here's my personal, feels-necessary-to-add disclaimer: I know it's hard for so many. I know women go through pregnancy with unsupportive partners and with other children to attend to and little to no insurance coverage and medical conditions I can't even fathom and, yet, they do it, they march on and have their beautiful baby and they don't bother spewing complaints on their blog, especially when they wanted this SO DAMN MUCH. But, well, it's still hard. The deep, burning desire for this doesn't change it being difficult. And you know what the absolute kicker of it all is? When I feel good, when I'm having a twenty-minute period of everything feeling like it used to and a stomach that actually CRAVES food, I panic. Is the baby okay? Why do I feel fine? WHAT IS GOING ON?

(Don't you want to send my husband flowers? Or beer? Or a sound-proof box with which to crawl in and ignore me from for the next 6ish months?)

I talk to the baby a lot, especially on my drive to and from work when I have a good hour or two to myself with nothing more than traffic and bad drivers to pay attention to. I tell him about his mom and dad and how we already leave him messages on our chalkboard and how we're not the tidiest of parents but all those dust bunnies will do wonders for his immune system. How we can't wait to meet him and how I'm just dying to find out what color eyes and hair he has. (Is your hair red, baby?) I tell him about the trips we'll take him on and that sometimes mama says "shit" but that doesn't make it right, it just makes mama HUMAN. I remind him that he'll say shit too, probably way before he should, but we're going to love him EVEN THEN. I am so happy and lucky and over the moon to be having a baby, and I am all of these things even when I am crying in bed because is KEEPING A SLICE OF PIZZA DOWN REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK? There's not anything I wouldn't go through to get to the end of this, I want you to know, to the moment I get to hold my kid in my arms. I would go through—and will, undoubtedly—worse to get there. No matter how much I bitch and cry and throw up, that fact will never waiver.

But that doesn't mean I don't need a hand to hold every now and again. Not advice, not head pats, not judgmental whispers from afar, just support.

And I know I'm not the only one, pregnant or otherwise.

Comments

[Katie]

Well if talking about puke can be beautiful you sure pulled it off! LOVE this post!

[jonniker]

Oh dear. So much to say here, but I can't say any of it, except for a giant xxoo xxoo.

[Susan]

Delurking to say, well done. I've had two babies and although I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't puke, pregnancy is tiring and sometimes downright uncomfortable. You're allowed to say that. I'm delurking because I want you to bookmark all this and allow yourself, when this baby is about 5 weeks old, to use it as a reminder that even though you want(ed) it more than anything, there will be days once he arrives that will be just as hard and just as tiring and it's ok to admit that some days aren't all rosy skies and puppy dogs. Some days are hard but that doens't make you weak and doesn't mean you love him any less. It just makes you a human mama.

[Christina]

I remember this like it was yesterday. All of it, puking in the ziplock on the way to work, the trash can at work, out the car door on the side of the road... then, when I felt good, constantly feeling myself up. WHY dont my boobs hurt right this second? It's dead-DED! I know it.
I wont lie to you, that part won't stop. With luck your 2nd tri will find you in a better place, but, Nate is nearly 10 months and if he sleeps 10 minutes longer than normal it still crosses my mind- is he okay?
I talked to my belly too, and sang loudly and along with "inappropriate" music but it was the way I bonded. Whatever gets you through!
I think you have a lot of hand holders here. At least, I hope so!

[Amanda Brown]

You nailed it. There are so many things in life that we desire so deeply but on our journey to get there we hit a lot of annoying (and barf-soaked) bumps on the road and it's nice to know that others understand and will be there wipe the upchuck off your chin while you whimper a little.
I hope you feel better oh, so soon, Jennie!

[Sharon]

That was so well written. I love coming here and reading what you have to say every time there's a new post.

I'm not pregnant, but I loved your second to last paragraph. So true! Support, no matter where it comes from, is like one of the many lifelines that helps keep me afloat.

[rebecca]

Oh, honey, I KNOW how you feel. And it doesn't feel like you will ever forget it, but with the first cry, the first look, the forst noise, you forget it ALL...the puking, the pain, the labour, ALL OF IT. because it is SO worth it.

[Kitty]

*hugs* I love you, puke and all. Hopefully you start feeling better very, very soon. XOXO

[jodifur]

I also had a very difficult pregnancy and I remember saying to someone I hated being pregnant and they were APPALLED. They told me the baby can hear me and the baby things I hate it. And if I just changed my attitude I'd like being pregnant. So, if I liked being pregnant, I'd like being pregnant?

It's okay to be miserable. For some of us pregnancy sucks. I was on bedrest and hospitalized and you know what, it sucked. And I felt like shit. And if you were one of the lucky ones to have a glorious pregnancy, you may not get how much it can well, suck.

I was blessed with an incredibley easy baby (but insane toddler). And I think it was payment for my pregnancy. But you know what? I love my son, but I still hated being pregnant.

Hang in there hon. It does suck, but it's also okay to talk about it.

[T]

Yes, you desperately wanted this baby but no, that doesn't mean you have to suffer in silence.

((hugs))

[bethany actually]

Aw, babe. I am not really one to send virtual hugs, but...here:

(((HUG!)))

It's totally okay to not love being pregnant. Even though I (thank God) had a fairly easy pregnancy, I still was uncomfortable and wishing it were over already most of the time I was pregnant. It had nothing, NOTHING to do with how I felt about my baby. And I'm sure I'll feel that way again, if we are ever so blessed. So as far as I'm concerned, you're good. :-)

[hillary]

dude
you rock

[Elizabeth]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.
and you know I am here holding your hand. :)
And I for one had a hard time figuring it out but finally I realized that pregnancy is not the same thing as baby. You are allowed to hate being pregnant. Lord knows I did.
And you are also allowed to complain, about whatever you want, no matter how much you want you or baby or how hard or easy it was to get pregnant.
What I'd like to know is where is this great rule making person all of us women are so afraid of? I'd like to kick her in the shin and then tell her to keep her mouth shut :)

[AshleyD]

You are amazing. I loved that post, puke and all. I hope you know you have some many people cheering for you and supporting you and your baby.

[slynnro]

I feel the same way sometimes when I complain about pretty much anything honestly. I know my life is good and I am blessed, but sometimes things that are a part of that good life sure can suck. I feel ya.

and! I have also thrown up while driving from my tummy meds, so unfortunately I feel that too.

[Katie]

Oh hon, my hand is here anytime you need it. There is no shame in feeling the way you're feeling and it definitely doesn't mean you love your baby any less. It just makes you human.

[Someone Being Me]

I completely understand. Pregnancy is hard. Labor is unbelievably hard. But the funny thing is that a year after the baby comes you will have forgotten or at least glossed over all these little crappy details and you will be ready and willing to do it all over again. I pray your second trimester will go more smoothly. That 1st one is a doozy.

[Kate]

Yep, sometimes the road to paradise is really desolate and downright ugly. Doesn't mean you don't want to be on the journey, just that some of the scenery isn't that great.

Hang in there, Jennie. One day at a time. :)

[Rebecca]

I am due in October with our second child. My son will be 2 in November. After I had him I SWORE I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER DO IT AGAIN. Look at me now! It is hard and like Susan said there will be days after the sweet baby gets here that SUCK. However, I was willing to do it all over again b/c the rewards are plentiful! I have decent pregnancies but it still sucks. The getting big, the hormones that make you act crazy, not being able to paint your toenails! Then the baby starts kicking and punching like crazy, it DOESN'T always feel 'so wonderful', it freaking hurts sometimes. At least you are being real. More women need to be that way. I've gotten many a look when I say I can't wait for our daughter get here so that I can lose the weight and feel like me again. Doesn't mean I love her any less, it just means I still love me. Does that make sense!?

[Raven]

You know how I feel about this since we've already talked about it but I couldn't let this go without comment; you have a beautiful voice, even when it's raised in "complaint".

*HUG*

[La Petite Belle]

omg! I didn't even know you were preggers! CONGRATS!! how exciting. I think you SHOULD whine if you feel like it, you are growing a life inside of you, it's tough. Yes, there are things that are tougher, and if we had those things we'd whine.. some more. so go ahead, live it to the max, just say what you feel. I understand, I hated being sick when pregnant and I whined SOOOO much. Hugs!!

[Kim]

I liiiived off of Zofran when I was preg last year. But even with my crappy insurance, it was not expensive.. and ya know why? I DEMANDED that my OB write them a letter, bc like you, they said it would be up-my-butt-expensive, stating that it wasn't necessary. Like hell. So they wrote a letter, faxed it, and I was able to survive my pregnancy. Just a suggestion. :) I've been there though, I had many empty bags in my car for such commuter-crises. And to just advertise some weirdness, for my looong commute, only one Tears for Fears song didn't make me want to hurl. (yes, even music made me sick)
I promise it'll get better. Everyone says that, but it really is true.

[Michelle]

You just brought back some serious memories for me - the hit-or-miss Zofran, puking in the car, conflict between hating the pregnancy and loving my child... Nobody can promise when you'll feel better, but I will say this - nearly three years later, it doesn't seem like it was so bad. I even want to do it again. Memory fades - and having that kiddo to love (outside of your body) really helps.

[nonsoccermom]

Excellent post. I couldn't agree more. Pregnancy is a means to an end, an exhausting, sometimes messy process that is intended to lead to a baby. That baby is the important thing for sure.

[Nicole]

After watching my older sis go through a very difficult pregnancy and labor, where she felt like she couldn't complain because of how much she wanted her little girl, I feel for you. You have every right to vent. Pregnancy can just suck! And we are all here(except for some extremely turdy women) to offer support.

[Jess]

I love how you can take nearly any occurrence and turn it into something beautiful and meaningful. I'm bookmarking this post for when it's my turn.

[Angella]

Aw, sweetie. I never had to deal with puking, but puking on yourself would be horrible.

There is no harm in complaining - we all know you are thankful for the baby even if he/she is making you barf :)

[EmilyPie]

I have no experience with pregnancy .. but I understand where you are coming from. Am I allowed to say that? I just want you to know that I don't think poorly of you for complaining the pukey-ness one bit! I know I've told you this before, but I envy your ability to talk about more real life situations on your blog. I don't do that because I fear the feedback. Sometimes, I end up closing comments because I just don't want to hear it. Really, I want to do is throw it out into the universe and for some reason, that makes me feel better. It is my blog and I'll do what I please.

Keep up the blogging .. and sheesh! Aren't you finished with the pukey-trimester yet? :D Poor thing!

[Steph Corwin]

This was beautiful. I don't have children but desperately am trying to be patient for the day we feel comfortable to start trying. And you've just been inspiring. Your perspective is refreshing. i love it.

[Pickles & Dimes]

This was brilliantly written. Just wonderful.

I'm so happy that you're pregnant; I can't wait to read about whatever you write: good, bad or in between!

[katie]

Here's my hand reaching back.

[lynne]

Hi, Kerflop had rally bad morning sickness and she got some suppliments/vitamains that really helped. You can read more about it here http://kerflop.com/faq.html

I'm sure she wouldn't mnd if you emailed her for more details if you needed to

[Crystal]

Complain away...

Pregnancy SUCKS ASS.

[Rhi]

This is exactly why I do not think I can ever have a child. And, I live off Zofran while not pregnant. Oh, anxiety nausea! You cruel, cruel girl!

[jennyonthespot]

Girl - you nailed it. All the wonderful and all the horrible - happening with YOUR body :) You're gonna make it... you're gonna make it! I hated complaining when I was prego, for the same reasons you write about... it just is what it is. It's hard!

[Biddy]

oh honey...here's a big big hug for you!

and you know what? a few years ago i was in the car on my way to work, opened my mouth to sing along with the radio and threw up all.over.the place. all over me. all over the car...

so yeah, i feel ya. and i definitely needed a hand to hold right then...

so anytime you need a hand to hold, you holler at me

[sarah]

Consider your support here! We all need it regardless of our circumstances.especially when you are single handedly creating a life.

[Kerri Anne]

Here for The Support. Anytime.

[Miranda]

This made me burst into tears. You've beautifully summed up exactly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I think I might send my husband a link and be like, "This? THIS is what I've been trying to communicate to you but could never put so perfectly."

Thank you. And you are for sure not alone and it looks as though there are quite a few of us here ready and eager to lend support.

[Miranda]

Oh, and for some (possible) comedy relief. My most embarrassing "morning" sickness experience consisted in throwing up into a big bag of chips that my husband was eating from because it was the closest bag within reach.

I think he's done with chips for some time now...

[Emily]

You nailed it, girl. Great post.

[Dianna]

Oh Jennie, I am so sorry you're felling that horrible. I have no advice to spout, no words of wisdom or anything that may actually come in handy, but please do know that you are in my thoughts and I am wishing the best for you in the remainder of your pregnancy. And Mike for that matter aswell. You're doing great. Way the hell better than I would be.

[Dena]

((HUGS)) I was sooooooooooo sick with my first pregnancy. I to once puked on myself in the car on my way to work. It was such a bad moment.. I cried for hours after. Hang in there, it WILL get better!