Where I Go From Here

One thing that's been on my mind since returning from San Francisco and the "blogging thing at that cool hotel," as my dad called it, is the nagging question of where I take this site from here? I started this blog on a whim of sorts. I had been blogging at MySpace for years (and in reviewing those old posts, SWEET LORD, did I need an English refresher), but after I spent an entire day last April devouring Amalah's archives, I decided I also wanted a space with prettier sidebars and fewer naked 14-year-olds. I set-up a Typepad account and off I went. I was a month away from getting married at the time, and even though it still makes me cringe to look back on those first poorly put-together posts, I am glad I have some sort of record of that time. I wrote my vows to Mike in one of those early posts and since I've since lost the cocktail napkin I first wrote them on, and I can't honestly remember where our wedding video is, there's something very cool about having a record of those words.

The first day my blog was officially viewable to the Internet, I had exactly one page view. (Which was probably by me. Or Mike.) A few weeks ago I had my highest daily page view count at 1220. It usually averages somewhere in the middle of those two numbers. Do I care about my page views? Sure, in the same way I think most people do. I like to know that what I'm putting out there is being read and enjoyed, and it's also kind of fascinating in a way. But am I writing these posts and am I maintaining this site so people will boost my ego or so I can have a place to hone my writing skills and meet people who understand where I'm coming from? It's a really good question, and I'd like to say that it's unequivocally the latter, hands down, but we're all pretty gray-area people, aren't we? (Wait, aren't we?) When my traffic dips—and if I'm paying attention to it—my nerves sort of fray along with it. It's an embarrassing slippery slope. Because of my frayed nerves my writing gets botched, and there are times I can get out little more than pictures of Molly or the many ways in which our rent check would be better spent at our local Target. (You know, the really good, quality stuff.)

A little while ago I decided to stop obsessively watching my stats on a daily basis, and I only checked in to be entertained by the Google searches that brought people to my site. (Favorite still: "Where's the party at bitches?") Not monitoring my traffic was an incredibly smart decision for me, and I do think it helped my writing. For me, things seem to go better when I encourage myself to be motivated by passion and not feedback. And let's be really honest here: the number of people who view your site is not always directly related to how good of a writer you are.

At BlogHer this past weekend, as I was sitting in the Maggie Mason-led panel, "Pursuing Your Passion," I realized that I do want a lot more from this site, though, and I don't mean more traffic. I want this to be a place where I can be truly proud of the content. I want this to be a place where my skills are improved and where I can make true connections with other people who understand being passionate about writing in an open forum. I want my own thoughts to dictate what I post and not what I think will receive the most comments. (And I do look to Maggie as one inspiration in that regard. You can tell she runs her site differently than some and in the brief time I spent in her presence it's obvious that's because she's an incredibly grounded and together person.)

Over the weekend I met Elizabeth for lunch and afterwards we—along with two of my BlogHer roommates—stopped in H&M before hanging out in our hotel room for a while. When she left, I was sad, which is a feeling I wasn't expecting. I'm the kind of person who usually needs some time to digest things. I need a little space before I can process overwhelming experiences. But there was such an affinity between her and I, and it felt really unfair that she had to go her way—to another city in California—and I had to go mine—to THE HOTTEST PLACE ON EARTH, OH MY GOD WILL THERE EVER BE A BREEZE IN TEXAS AGAIN? She sent me a link today to a slew of purple shoes at Piperlime (as did Cherie), and it reminded me, again, that I met this woman through this site. Without it I wouldn't know her.

But, to me, there is more involved than just meeting really cool people. It's about the love of the written word, and the well-written word at that. If I'm going to pad my Google Reader with a bunch of blogs that will take my attention away from pregnancy napping (which, if it were an Olympic sport, I could totally place in, let me tell you) I want them to offer me something. I want to take something from the posts I read—inspiration, perspective, an unmatched sense of humor, originality, a damn good story. I want to read things that force me to use up my printer ink by printing them out and re-reading them while I eat my morning cereal. I don't comment on sites so the blog authors will comment back. I comment because I was moved to say something. I read because the sites are, for lack of a better word, good. And, let me be really—kind of crazily—honest: I only want you to comment or read or visit my site because you feel the same way. (Unless you're my mother. You have to keep reading. DON'T THINK I WON'T QUIZ YOU.) Our time is so precious and as stunningly cool as this community is, we do have lives and jobs and husbands who sort of like to look at our faces without the glow of a laptop illuminating them. We have off-line friends who are still pretty spectacular even though they don't know what Twitter is. We have new cupcake bakeries to seek out (Tart Bakery in Dallas on Lovers Lane) and fall shows to obsess over and did I mention the naps? If we're going to carve out (our really valuable) time to be on the Internet, we want the company we keep and the topics we discuss to make us better people and better writers, don't we?

The one thing that has shocked me most since returning from BlogHer is the vitriol that has popped up all over the Internet from certain (usually anonymous) bloggers about other bloggers. They are talking about what particular bloggers were wearing and what their noses looked like (I'm self-aware, so, hi, mine is big) and how this blogger snubbed this other one and how THIS BIG BLOGGER was totally unapproachable and curt and she's not even a good writer and SERIOUSLY? That's what you want to spend your (could-be-napping) time doing? You want to fixate and whine and create this ridiculous bubble of WOE IS ME? So you didn't like so-and-so. You thought she was better online. You thought she'd be nicer to you than she was. That's fine; that's even normal. Go ahead and delete them from your bookmark list or your feed reader and remember that there are a million other talented, funny women out there you can fill up your time reading. If you choose to focus on the ones who weren't nice or the ones you didn't like, that sort of makes you look bad, not them. (And I'd be shocked if your family isn't highly annoyed that metaphorically glaring at people from afar is how you choose to spend your time online and away from them.)

Anyway, this is all getting incredibly introspective and deep and it's also jumping all over the place, and I really didn't mean for that to happen. The point I have been messily trying to make from the beginning is this: I want to get better at what I do and I want to focus on why I do it. If you care to hang around with me while I go about all that, well, wow, I'll appreciate it like you wouldn't believe. Really.

Heather Armstrong talked—in her BlogHer Saturday night keynote—about writing the perfect post. She talked about having an idea, seeing the words clearly, writing out those words and then realizing the end result was exactly what she had hoped it would be. She said that feeling is one of the best feelings in the world and when she can't find that feeling any longer, it will be time to walk away. (This is paraphrasing a bit from my fuzzy, chocolate-coated memory. BlogHer powers-that-be: HAVE MORE SNICKERS NEXT YEAR. TWO IN ONE SITTING IS NOT ENOUGH.) Even though we can't all bring in enough ad money to support our families (although Mike is constantly wondering WHY THE HELL NOT) we can understand what that feeling—or even just striving for that feeling—is like.

It's beautiful, and it's worth it.

Comments

[Raven]

Every day I find myself thinking, thinking about what I learned during my trip, thinking about how I used to write, thinking about what I have "progressed" to and where I will go from here. I have been watching my stats since I came back and it's been VERY informative. I have been reading the old posts that people have been reading and I used to be more honest and more open. When I worried that people weren't commenting, I changed what I was writing. Sad, but true.

I think I need to change things again. I also think I need you guys to be here for 6 pm appetizers on a daily basis.

I didn't realize people were being anonymously shitty. Wow. I'm really glad I still am in my bubble over here.

[Kitty]

You are so damn eloquent, darling! There's no chance of me ever attending a blogging conference, especially one full of estrogen, but I'll continue to read your blog religiously, and even occasionally comment. (If I don't comment, it's usually because I'm going through my feeds at work and don't have time.)

By the way, I totally commend you on leaving MySpace. It's gotten so annoying lately, I'm lucky if I post one blog a month. I have, however, finally purchased my own domain, so someday, if I ever get around to leaving Rock Band long enough to find decent hosting and design a site, perhaps I'll join the world of independent blogging, too. Oh, and maybe I'll finally create the Cafepress store I've been planning to make, too. ;)

In the meantime, I'll continue to live vicariously through you.

*mwah*

[Angella]

It is.

I've been stewing on a post about where I came from, where I am, and where I want to be...

[Raychelle]

Hi! I stumbled across your "internet home" a couple weeks ago and have been enjoying seeing your posts pop up in my Reader since.

This is a really great post. I thoroughly enjoyed yesterday's as well, but couldn't quite find the right words to comment on such a great friendship story.

I just started writing a couple months ago and hopefully someday I'll have the kind of friendship you describe with those whose sites I frequent.

Oh, and I'm sooo incredibly jealous that you got to see Maggie & Heather IN PERSON! So freakin rad.

[Dianna]

I agree with pretty much everything you just said. And no, I'm not stalking your blog, it just popped up on my reader before I closed for the evening! I recently started a blog and now that I have it, I'm asking myself why the heck I started it, who would ever want to read about what I like or my life? I hope that one day I will be able to write the perfect post like Heather mentioned and that will inspire people to either respond or just to make their day a little happier.
I do though love your blog. It's witty and heartfelt and I love that. It's immensly clear how much you love your family, friends and life throughout what you write and I think partly that is why I began my little blogging journey again. I hope to let people see truly just that. You can know that you have inspired at least one person, and I am sure many more.

[Katie]

I'm a lurker.

You inspire me.

Thank you.

[Jess]

I have not seen one vitriolic comment about other bloggers from a BlogHer attendee, and it makes me sad to see that they exist, even though of course they do, because we are all capable of acting like we're in high school from time to time. I'm glad that most of the bloggers I read took other things away from the conference, though. Because it is worth it, if you do it for the right reasons.

[jodifur]

This post is exactly why you are one of my favorites. Every time I think of stopping blogging, and it happens, I remember why I do it in the the first place. It's not for traffic, which is nice, and it's not for comments, which are nicer. It's b/c I love it. When I stop, I'll stop.

So sorry I didn't go to blog her and meet you.

[Missy]

This is a great post. I am having very similar thoughts about making every post one where I can be proud of the quality of the writing.

I may be one of the bloggers obsessing over the people I have met, but it's more that it's a record of those I met and my feelings and impressions at the time.

[rebecca]

luvvie...your words are my heart.
i am not very embroiled in the blogosphere. I don't like drama, and am very shy, when it comes down to it. I have a lot of bloggers i read, a few choice ones i 'know', but that is about it.
the reason i write is similar to yours...i have always needed to create things, and this is where i came to help me overcome my post partum depression. I do it for myself, for a record of where i am in life, for a place to expose my thoughts. I do have ads, but have never generated enough to make any money off them. my blogher ads are in place because i think blogher is inspiring...i want anyone who stops by my site to know that there are so many talented women out there.
i would get frustrated sometimes that my blog is so little read. I took a few weeks off, to see what it meant to me...and it means a lot. It is giving birth to these words...and maybe no one will ever see them, but they are out there, i have released them.
anyways. enough of this babble.

[Nicole]

I read you because I find your posts inspiring, well-written and funny. Thank you for doing what you do.

[Erik]

Awesome post.

E

[Elizabeth]

I totally 100% agree. That's why I started the Wednesday prompt thing, because I want to really work on my writing, not just blather on about about how harrrrrd it is to take care of a baby. I could get online every day and whine whine whine, but what would that bring to the world?
I am learning so much from almost sort of not going to Blogher. Mostly what I learned is that if you want to make those connections, you have to put yourself out there. I think I was a little too nervous about unimportant things to just say - hey, what are you doing Sunday - let's hang out then too - just like I was too nervous that if I went to Blogher I'd have to actually approach people who I admire. Well, no more of that. Next time we meet I will be forcing you to spend every waking minute with me, and next year I will be at Blogher will bells on, introducing myself to big and small alike. And in the meantime I am going to work on writing that perfect post. Someday I want it to be me up on that stage.

[Sharon]

Thanks for sharing. I started my blog originally so I could post on other friends' blogs. Eventually I started writing, because I love it, and want to become better at it. Lately my posts haven't been all that interesting - it's been more of a journal of what's been going on with me. Not that that's a bad thing, of course, but I'm getting bored with that, and want to explore new things.

I'm definitely going to be using the prompts you post in the future. It will be good to exercise my writing muscles more!

[Camels & Chocolate]

I've read several of these mean posts, and it makes me sad (and overall, more intimidated by BlogHer conferences than I already way). And I'm still curious about all this "drama" I've heard about that went down last weekend.

[Christina]

I really needed to read this today, after another bullet post. I hate doing them but there are days where I just cant pull it together but fear a day without posting makes for bad stats. I need perspective, big time. I am writing for myself, period. I never knew I could write before I started blogging and I did it reluctantly, because my Dad told me to, actually. I am a horrid speller and have poor punctuation, both things I want to improve on. Staying home full time can make you nuts, this helps me stay sane while documenting Nathans life and my own growth. THAT is what I should be talking about... Thanks- and you can count on my reading and commenting as your site is well worth my time.

[Someone Being Me]

I love reading your blog. You are definitely at the top of my must read list along with Amalah. I hope someday I can meet you in person too. I promise I will only write about how skinny you are and how small your nose is.

[sarah]

I can totally second that feeling. BlogHer has inspired me and lit a fire under my fingers (butt didn't seem appropriate). So as usually I am totally seeing eye to eye with you on this. here's to the future of our blogs!

[natalie]

I'm so proud of you! I love reading your blogs while eating my cereal. I can't believe that many people come to your site, I just didn't know the community was that big. It's incredible. See you today at 6.
p.s. on my computer the side bar that was on the left is now on the right, so on my computer there is to side bars on the right.

[chirky]

Boooo! I didn't meet you at BlogHer! (How exactly is that possible?)

Anyway. I live perilously close to the Tart Bakery in Plano. My thighs are damned.

[Kacey]

Great post! I started blogging with a group of writer friends. It started out more as an official record of my writing journey. My blog morphed into more of a "this is my life." Snippets of the simple things. Things that catch my eye. A dash of photos thrown in.

I'm with you on the BlogHer conference needing more Snickers though!!

[Moose]

I started my blog so I would write every day. Though it's morphed into Every Week, If I'm Lucky, I wouldn't have written nearly so much in the past few years if I hadn't been blogging. It's such an amazing tool - for writing, for meeting people, for finding shiny shoes. Nice to know you on the blogosphere. :)

[Karla]

Oh man, this post certainly struck me. You have hit the nail on the head so eloquently.

Something that I promised myself about blogging was to never make it about the numbers, or the comments, but to make it about extending and improving my love of the writen word. And if I can make a bit of money doing what I LOVE? All the better, right?

Amazing post. Seriously. You've summed it all up precisely.

[Jen]

I always look forward to reading your posts, no matter what they are about - even when you are blathering on about Veronica Mars, which I know NOTHING about (don't shoot...please)!

Keep doing what you're doing - clearly, it's working for you :)

[becky]

And do you know how bummed I am that I didn't run into you while we were there? I was so hoping that you, Susan and I could at least share one teeny, tiny aisledash moment. *sigh*

[jennyonthespot]

Hi:)

I finally sorted through my BlogHer cards a little today. And your card popped out at me. I was thinking, "This one stood out, this one stood out..." But it's been over a week and...

And then look who stopped by and commented today! You who Likes Purple!

I agree with you completely. You post is well written and I was nodding my head all the way. I am not terrible interested in reading about other's errands, but a good story - either woven with humor or a lesson or just a good story!

So glad you stopped by, and appreciate the time you took to express your passion in this post.

:)

[Mary]

What an amazing way to say everything that I think a lot of us think but don't really express. It was a joy to read.

[La Petite Belle]

great post! For me, I just do it because it really helps me, getting my thoughts out there. I can't imagine not having this outlet, my blog, but I don't really look into the future and wonder where I'm going. In any area of my life. LOL

[Jenn]

I love this post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us so beautifully. It's amazing to watch bloggers grow as the medium becomes more mainstream and diverse. I think you're a great example of how this hobby and passion can evolve over time. I'm glad you think it's all worth it because I like reading what you have to say! :)