Because The Financial Advice You Gave Was Insanely Fantastic

I've been given a lot of advice over the last five or so months regarding pregnancy and raising a child (and stretch marks and maternity clothes and on and on and on). Some of it I've completely disregarded, and some of it I've filed away as Very Important To Remember (for example: re-stock the liquor cabinet), but the overall theme of the advice is that there is just no way for me to really prepare for what's to come. Sure, I can pad my registry with just the right items, and I can read the perfect books on all the important topics, but until I'm really in the thick of things, I can't truly understand how incredible it's going to be or how awful or how exhausting or how hard or how insanely fantastic. I can't really grasp how much poop there will be or how much spit-up or how few lazy Sunday mornings we'll be able to enjoy for the next 30-some-odd years.

I can kind of equate it to feeling this boy kick. No one could really explain what it would feel like beforehand in a way that prepared me for how awesome and weird it would be. And, here's the, well, kicker, it feels like what you would imagine it would feel like: a very wee little person kicking (punching, jabbing, karate chopping) you from the inside. But as exquisite as the English language is (and also downright confusing, what with all the rules and exceptions and different styles to choose from), words will never be able to perfectly capture an unexperienced feeling in such a way that someone completely understands what to expect.

There was this moment when he kicked me hard enough for there to be no mistaking what it was, and I laughed out loud because (well, first, because that was my boy) BUT OF COURSE THAT WAS A KICK, IT FELT JUST LIKE A KICK. But, wow, was it nine million times cooler (and stranger) than I ever imagined it would be.

I kind of think labor and the first day of being a mom and then the first week, month, year will all be similar to feeling him kick. Holy shit, everyone was right, but, OH MY GOD, did I need to experience it for myself to really get it.

So, yes, I've been sopping up the wisdom of my mom friends and researching the right stroller and reading about sleep training and having mock conversations with my son about the importance of pursuing his dreams and how we'll always back him up no matter what he chooses, but, more important than all that, I've tried to really let go of expectations and realize that there is so much I can't prepare for, and I may as well enjoy the ride as it comes.

People (excluding a select few, namely Spencer Pratt), have good instincts. I have to imagine that before there was The Internet or manuals or how-to guides or pre-natal classes, people relied on their guts to raise their children and that worked out fairly well for most of them.

Even though I am rightly terrified for the years to come, I also have a lot of faith in Mike's and my ability to raise this little guy (and any potential subsequent brothers or sisters of his) the very best way we can. The experience will be riddled with mistakes (mistakes just strewn all over the place, I can almost see them littered about), but we'll never be short on love or humor, and those are two things that have yet to fail us when it counts.

There is something I do think about because even though I'm trying to prepare to be unprepared, it's something insanely important to me, and that's my relationship with Mike. To some we got pregnant relatively soon after we got married. (We started trying, basically, right after the wedding, and were successful just a few weeks after our one-year anniversary.) Mike and I have been together just about five years and have lived together for three, and although, yes, we haven't been married long, we definitely don't feel we rushed into this decision. On one of our first dates, Mike told me he wanted to be a father, and that sounds like it could come across creepy so early in a relationship, but I promise it was rather endearing. And although I know our relationship won't be the same come February, and I know we'll be infinitely grateful for the change, I want to keep our relationship—as wife and husband, not mother and father—in focus.

If you've been down this road before—if you were once part of a young(ish) couple who was on the brink of welcoming your first child into a messy, rarely-tidied house with a needy, neurotic dog and a pathetic-at-best bank account—what did you do to ensure the baby shook everything up but didn't rock the foundation everything was built on?

I believe in my relationship with Mike, and, honestly, I believe we'll be OK no matter what relying on that love and humor that has gotten us to this point, but I also know it's easy to slip into routines that shift the focus from "us" to "what's new on the DVR and did you pay that electric bill?" I also know that you can't really prepare for what these changes will do to your relationship—in the same way you can't really prepare for the changes themselves—but it doesn't hurt to be given some Very Important to Remember advice to file away.

When anyone asks me for marital advice (and, hey, they don't ask often) I usually only have one thing to say, and that's be nice to one another. That's all I've really figured out. Well, that, and keep the liquor cabinet well-stocked (trend?). So, if your advice is that simple or that straightforward, let me still have it. Even if it's advice I'm well-aware of, obvious advice that everyone should know, I'd love a record of it to look back on as a reminder when my child is screaming at 3 a.m. and the only thing louder than that screaming is my adorable, redheaded husband's snoring.

Comments

[bethany actually]

I would say 'be nice to one another' pretty much covers the bulk of it for a young couple who are new parents, honestly. Remember that you are not the only one who is sleep-deprived, whose life has been turned upside-down, who has suddenly become obsessed with baby poop and might be feeling a little bit lost and wondering what happened to the old life you loved so much. Think of how you'd want someone to treat you, in your sleep-deprived condition, and treat each other in that way. Then, cut yourselves and each other some slack and remember to hug and kiss each other every day, not just the baby.

Also, the thing about having a baby with someone is that suddenly, you share something that no one else in the world shares with you, except possibly your parents: you are the parents of the cutest, smartest, most INTERESTING child in the world!

You and Mike are pretty rock-solid. You've been together a long time and your relationship is going to handle a baby about as well as a relationship can, I think. :-)

[Kristie]

I am by no means an example, obviously. But you know how important I think it is to be yourself and not just a mommy so I think I might have a little advice.

Keep being nice to each other. Remeber that you are both new to this and give each other a break. And the thing I think is most important is to nuture each other. Take care of each other and don't place each other on a shelf to attend to later. Laugh, even when you want to cry.

[Hillary]

The Boy arrived 18 months after we got married, but, like you guys, we'd been together for years longer. Remember to talk to each other -- and really listen -- has helped us. So much of new parenthood is overwhelming, you have to remember the two of you are a team and the way to make a team work is to ask for help when you need it and show appreciation for other's work. I especially struggle with this, because I tend to want to do everything on my own.

And yes, hug and kiss each other every day.

[Raven]

Again with the hug and kiss every day (it's a theme!) but also let other people HELP. If someone offers you 2 hours to watch the baby so you can shower and feel human again, TAKE IT. You can't imagine how much difference that will make on your outlook.

What thing makes you and Mike? If you had to look at the "one thing" that you guys like to do together (or the few things, whatever) that always makes things better for both of you, that brings you back to center, what would that be? Figure that out and then make sure to make time for it, even if it's just once a week or once a month. Set time aside for it because it's just as important as anything else.

Understand that each of you might need a break, Mike might need a ride on a motorcycle or playing a video game and you might need a long bath or shoe shopping. Allow that for each of you without resentment.

FYI, I think you of all people will be fine. :)

[Christina]

I dont think you need advice. You two love and respect eachother and BOTH wanted a baby.
Mike and I were married 5 years (together 8) when Nate arrived and we were fine. FINE. So fine that this little person whom shat all the time and spit up on everything brought us closer and even more in love. Srsly. Don't over think this part. This part you already know how to do!
But, since you did ask... I suggest that you speak up loud and clear if you need help. Don't beat around the bush. I need you to cook, shop, clean, bring me MORE WIPES STAT! (heh) Jennie, you are going to be wonderful. It wont be pretty but it will be full of so much love your little heart will just f'ing explode.

[Becky]

I'm not a mom and I got married only about 5 months ago, but after a long conversation with my sister (mom of 3, wife of 3 years), I would go beyond the "be nice to eachother" and say that it's important to remember to keep complimenting each other...on how you look, how awesomely funny you are, whatever. But those compliments can get forgotten and it's amazing what they will do for your self-esteem if remembered.
I agree with everyone else though - I don't even know you, but from the way you write I think you guys will be fine. :-)

[Nicole]

As an unmarried 27-year-old, I have no advice from marriage experience, but I do know that a continued, mutual respect goes a long way in any relationship I have.

[justme]

Honestly honey if someone had the perfect marriage advice divorce wouldn't exist.

It's really really easy when you welcome this cute adorable child in the world to think that he comes before you and Milke. That's so wrong. As soon as you put him before ya'll it's really easy to loose the ya'll part of the equation. Dote on Mike still (and him on you). Go out and date if someone offers to watch the baby so you can have dinner (and no talking about the Boy during dinner...focus on ya'll)

Also don't think that your a supermom and do everything yourself. Ask Mike for help and don't (this is the hardest most fight educing part) tell him he's not changing the baby right, or rocking him right, bathing him right etc. He will do differently than you. If that a bad thing? Nope (okay if your a control freak you will think it's bad) it's just different. Let him do it his own way and just smile instead of telling him it's 3 pats on the tushie when you rock back and not forward!

And Jennie you and Mike have such a great love for each other that you might hit a few potholes along the way but nothing that puts your car into the shop! Just put your feet up and get ready for this new chapter!

[AidoElleMomma]

My husband and I had our son just over a year after we got married, although we did plan it that way. I was 26 and he was 28, so we were very similar to you and Mike. We had been together for two years before we got married and wanted to be parents together for most of that time. Very dear friends of ours who already had two children gave us wonderful advice when we were pregnant and it was to always emphasise the positive. Sounds simple, but when you are in the throws of a late night feeding, worried about a sick baby, or picking up laundry for the millionth time, you can always stop and find something positive about your life. And usually the positive is the amazing little person you have created with love. Things will be crazy and awful at times and so crazy wonderful, sometimes within the same 10 minutes!

My own advice is as parents you should always and only do what works for you and your family, not what other people, books, or blogs say you should do or not do. If you trust your Momma instincts you can never go wrong. Take care and enjoy the rest of this time.

[rebecca]

AMEN to the girl above me. EVERYTHING in your family has to be what works for YOU.
BUT...I can tell you that what works for us is that we love. We both tell each other and Violet EVERY. DAY. That we love them. We HUG all the frickin time, and we try to remember to kiss for REALS, ya'll. And being nice to each other is ESSENTIAL, so you got that DOWN.
I remember, during the first year, Jason would TRY to get up for nightime feedings, but he just couldn't do it. So I would do the nighttime feedings...but he would get up in the mornings and let me sleep in. HUGE.

[Sarah]

We were together 11 years before we got married, then had our baby 13 months after we got married. I had read how a relationship 'changes' after the baby arrives; I was worried about the 'strain'. I can honestly say, for us, there was none of it. I don't know if it's because we didn't have any fairy tale notions about how a baby would complete us, or if it's just that my husband is really quite patient, loving, and supportive, but I don't think we've really changed. We still laugh together, argue sometimes, and we now focus a lot of our attention on the baby, but it's 100% something that we both enjoy doing so I don't think anyone feels slighted.
It sounds like you have a great foundation to begin, so hopefully you'll find the same as we did.
and yeah, be nice to each other.

[Michelle]

My advice is simple, and I wish like hell I would take it once in awhile. Just don't forget that you have disagreements now, and once Baby Boy Purple (I'm making up my own names now) arrives, you will have disagreements that seem worse than they are. You're in it together. And don't lose JennieandMike once its JennieMikeandBabyBoyPurple. That's the piece of advice I wish I would take. Because it's hard as hell.

[Beth Fish]

My standard advice is, "You don't have to say every damned thing that pops into your head." Discretion really is the better part of valor, and marriage.

[Camels & Chocolate]

I have to say when other bloggers have gotten pregnant, I've tired a bit of their posts (oh no, I'm fat! My feet are swollen! I have morning sickness! It's like, duh, this is what you signed up for!), but you've totally managed to touch on things others haven't and make it all original. Plus, your posts as always are littered with humor, and you can't ever go wrong with jabs at Spencer Pratt =) Look forward to when the little guy finally arrives! (Just, for the love of God, don't talk about his poo. Ha!) And I don't think you have anything to worry about re: your relationship--I've never witnessed a married couple that (still) seems so in love! Kudos!

[moo]

Probably the best advice I can give you is this: no matter how strong of a relationship you have, at some point in the next year, it will be rocked. You will go through a rough patch. You will loathe your spouse, be jealous, be misunderstood.

Hang on in that time, because it will get better. It has to.

I can tell you that having a child will not --at first -- make your relationship stronger. But have faith that you'll make it through (for us, it was about 4 months after Gray was born. It was ugly. Horrible. And we got through it.)

[Natalie]

I just love your insight and forethought. I think by you just asking these questions, you are already prepared! You and Mike are the lucky ones because you have each other for support. And not only that you have your families close by! Can't wait to welcome baby Canzo!

[KT]

Sometimes I forget how important it is to say "thank you" to my sweet husband. For painting the house, for holding the children, for loving me, for loving us. "Thank you." Those are among my favorite words that he says to me.

[Jen L.]

Hmm...you should go read my blog post for today. I've been thinking along those lines, too!

[Dianna]

Not married and no children yet, but I am going to enjoy reading these comments and saving the ones I like. I'll check back with you in a few years and let you know what I've found! At any rate, I know both you and Mike are going to be great at this parenting gig.

[Angella]

Date night! Date night!

We go out every second weekend (sometimes more, sometimes less). Yes, we usually spend a large chunk of it talking about the kids, but at least they aren't hanging off of us.

Uninterrupted time is a must to keeping the core of your family secure.

[bethany actually]

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with moo. It's undoubtedly true that many marriages go through some rough times with a new baby, but I don't think it necessarily happens with everyone. It didn't happen with me and Troy. That might have been because we'd been together for 8 years when Annalie was born, or it might be because Troy is the most easygoing, calm person on the planet.

It won't hurt to be aware that it's a stressful time and that it *could* happen, but I think expecting it to happen around every corner could be self-perpetuating. Especially given your last post about negative thinking. ;-)

I think AidoElleMomma has a good point about thinking positive! It's corny, but it's true.

[She Likes Purple]

I think it's true that generalizations can do more harm than good sometimes. Although being aware that the first few months of any life-changing event are going to be difficult is smart, it's also smart to know that every couple is different and what affects some (a new baby) may not affect others. And on the flip side, remodeling a new house (for example) may affect the couple that a new baby didn't faze.

The advice in this post is invaluable, though, and I have loved so much of it. I wanted to know what YOU did to make your relationship stay strong through the introduction of a screaming, pooping infant, but I'm well aware that some of what worked for you just won't work for Mike and me.

For example, traveling is very important to us. We want to travel with our baby, and we're going to do our best to attempt to do so. To some the stresses of traveling w/ an infant just wouldn't be worth it, and I completely get that.

Again, though, thanks for all the advice. You are just fantastic.

[bethany actually]

Ooh, travel! Yeah! I realize this is the third comment I've left on this post, but I can't help myself because you mentioned traveling with kids, and that's kind of a hobbyhorse of mine.

Traveling with a young baby is totally doable. It takes some planning and patience and flexibility and a sense of humor. Probably those last two are the most important.

Some kids are better at traveling than others, just like there are adults who like to travel and those who don't. That said, if you travel with your kids from the time they're young, they will probably be better at going with the flow than kids who've never traveled. And I firmly believe that the broader the range of experiences you can expose your kids to as they grow up, the more interesting and compassionate they will be as adults.

When you guys are ready to travel with your baby, feel free to email and ask me any questions! By the time Annalie was a year old she'd been on something like 20 plane trips and a dozen road trips from three hours to three days long.

[Danielle-lee]

Advice? From me? Ha!
Okay, really:
In my situation, when my girl was born, I sorta lost myself. There was also a huge loss in my marriage when she was 9 months old, so maybe my advice will suck. Or maybe I don't have advice....
Let's try that again! Whew.
Don't forget yourself. Don't forget this fabulous you that you are, when you are tired, worn out, frazzled, and angry. Do not accept NO for an answer when you make a date night with your husband. You guys will need the alone time.
Um...yeah, that's all I've got right now. :) Sorry.