Taking Back The Good Stuff

Oh, Internet, I am fond of you.

Now, may I wander way off-topic if I promise to eventually wind my way back to the point of this post?

Over the last few months I have had countless people tell me how good I look. My own husband said the following words to me right after I lamented about the dreaded pregnancy weight gain: "I don't care if you are 200 pounds, you are carrying my child, and you're beautiful." I have posted flickr pictures WHILE PHYSICALLY CRINGING because on the one hand, I want a record of this time no matter how I look, but on the other, more insecure hand, I don't feel fantastic, so how can I expect you to tell me I look fantastic?

And, yet, you tell me. You tell me I look fantastic. You tell me Mike and I seem to have it all together and will be just fine once the boy arrives. You compliment and boost my ego and pat my back.

You are quite the group to keep around.

But then, one person comments on how much bigger than 24 weeks I look and all of your nice words are swept aside and her comment resonates (loudly and repeatedly) in my mind.

I can't help but feel ginormous because of what she said, and yet your sweet words never made me feel glow-y and adorably pregnant. Why is that?

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Today, at the post office, a postal worker went so far out of her way to help me choose an envelope for my letter, I wanted to buy her lunch. She was responsive and kind and warm. Then, when I got to the counter to pay, the cashier was cold and rude and snappy, saying that the peel-off label was "SELF-EXPLANATORY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT." I bitched about the rude woman ALL THE WAY TO LUNCH and had completely forgotten about the first woman's out-of-the way kindness. Why is that?

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Someone left a comment the other day that was just slightly rude, probably not even obviously rude but rude to the sensitive pregnant girl. I was irked for hours (even whining to Mike about how I was totally misunderstood and blogging is so haaaaard). Yet, today, Kristin left me one of the nicest comments I've ever received and although I thanked her, I also immediately realized I most likely wouldn't hang onto her comment as long as I hung onto the slightly snarky comment from the other day. Why is that?

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I don't know about you, but I feel like rudeness is everywhere these days. (Oprah agrees, by the way.) The cashier at the grocery store can't even crack a smile. No one can get off their cellphones long enough to have actual face-to-face conversations. There is unrelenting judgment for people who are making different choices than us. I received an email forward today prompting I should "Say No to B.O." because he's a "terrorist" and is "so calm, he must be a robot." It's not that I don't respect someone's right to think these things, but when these thoughts show up in my inbox without consideration for my political views (or, hell, consideration for my annoying spam views), I feel there's a sensitivity check missing. It's not that the world is void of kindness, it's just that it's so easy to overlook it when its polar opposite is slapping us in the face.

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A lot of things prompted this post, but mostly I'm just tired of clinging to the swirling negative thoughts and actions that are all around if you look for them. They're everywhere, it's true. But don't you think they're not going anywhere because so many of us—instead of combating all the bullshit with other things—cling tightly and purse our lips and whine and moan?

The girl (me) who can't get over the shit being slung is just as bad as whoever is slinging the shit, don't you think?

*****************

In my post yesterday, I said something about how the only thing I've really learned about marriage is that you have to be nice to one another. Obviously that's not the only thing, but I think it encompasses the rest fairly well. Keeping in that same simplistic vein, the only thing I really want my son to be is kind. Sure, I'd love for him to read and to have his dad's hair color and to laugh with his whole body, but when it comes down to it, I want my child to be kind, and I think kindness encompasses a lot of other really great and important things.

But how can I expect my son to choose kindness when I'm still clinging to the one sort of prickly comment about looking at tad rounder than I should look?

******************

And, hell, it's not like she didn't sort of have a point:

The belly is totally one ice-cream bar way from taking over my laptop.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

I know I quote Pretty Woman FAR TOO MUCH but one of my favorite movie scenes of all time is this one:

Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe.

And it is so so true. The bad stuff is easier to believe.

And I know you aren't fishing for compliments, but seriously. You are such a marvelous, smart, funny, good kind woman and friend and about to be mom. Remember that, and not the mean comments that could not be farther from the truth.

[jodifur]

It's hard, but try not to let the negativity get to you. I did a post about staying positive in the face of a chronic illness and get hatemail because I was being "insensitive to sick people." People just like to complain.

You are beautiful.

[Rachel]

I firmly believe that people say negative things to make themselves feel better. Says a lot about them, but it is totally understandable that a negative comment or rude person can sting us. Sometimes I am overly kind to the rude checkout person. You control what you can, ignore everything else, and embrace the good, because that is really all that matters. I will try to practice this and ignore my sisterly instinct to comment about the person who felt the need to say you look bigger than 24 weeks. I.will.bite.my.tongue. I did send you a pic of my 24 week belly and they look almost identical...and people told me a looked small...so go figure.

[Bethany]

I have the exact same problem. Negative comments stick with me FOREVER, and I will still find myself occasionally stewing over something that happened YEARS ago. I wish people were kinder, as well. It gets hard to take sometimes. But you're going to be a great mom and raise a kind son, I'm positive.

[Kristie]

Ah, the people who makes comments about how large or small you are. They do that with babies, too. Just yesterday someone told me that they thought Jackson was 11 months old. Clearly she was an idiot.

It's so hard to let the negative slide of your back, but I think that's the best thing we can do. And tell those rude people to go take a nap.

[Kitty]

*hugs* Ignore the stupid bitches (unless I'm one of them...which I sure hope I'm not). They are just mental. You are a fabulous, beautiful person inside and out. Your son is lucky to have such a terrific mother. With you at the wheel, there is no doubt that he'll turn out splendidly. XOXOXO

P.S. I LOVE your belly/laptop pic. That is completely awesome, and should be your new wallpaper.

[Raven]

Um, I saw that picture on flickr and was just so excited to say hi to the BABY. I didn't think you looked rounder than you should or bigger than you should or that your godzilla belly was about to take over your laptop! (though that image has me cracking the hell up over here) There is nothing cuter than a pregnant woman with a big ol belly and a smile on her face, SORRY but it's true!

Besides, what's wrong with giving the baby some room to stretch out and not be cramped for all those months? Jeez.

[Pickles & Dimes]

You're right, people ARE being more rude. I don't know if it's the horrible sense of self-entitlement that people have adopted or just a general decaying of civility, but it's icky.

I think the mean comments stick with us so much longer because deep down, nobody wants people to not like them.

I think you are GREAT and WONDERFUL!

[K]

I don't have any advice, because I'm exactly the same way. One slightly not-totally-positive comment, and I'm crushed for hours. On my birthday last week, I spent two hours crying because of two mean comments I got, even though in retrospect I'm sure neither person meant to be mean.

But for some reason, my pregnancy belly doesn't worry me at all, whether it looks really big (and it does, since I'm having twins) or whether I can fit into only ugly old stretched T-shirts. I guess it's the cute babies deflecting all negativity, and it just bounces off. Maybe you really look exactly like 24 weeks. Maybe you look bigger because of the angle. Maybe you are slightly bigger because your baby is super healthy and growing fast right now. It's great and happy that your belly sticks out! And anybody who says differently would probably have a totally boring blog with really bad punctuation. ;)

[sensibly sassy]

aww what a darling picture! Looks like your little man is a blogger in the making :)

[Nicole]

I think it's harder to see the positives that others see when we just don't believe we are those positive things. And I feel like as women, we have been taught to be so damn humble that we have gone over the edge into obsessive negativity. Who wants a girl friend that wanders around singing 'I'm so pretty', right? You're beautiful, intelligent, a great writer and you seem very kind. It doesn't mean as much coming from a stranger, but that's what I think.

[Maggie]

We're like peas and carrots with the negativity. I have seriously let myself fall into the spite, the disappointment, the cruel, the bitter, and the pessimistic lately. I had a rude awakening and I have gotten better... but it's a hard row to hoe.

Remember, no matter what, that you are beautiful, smart, and that you have every right to think and feel the way you want. You actually said something a few days ago about your beliefs and your feelings that sparked a conversation I had this weekend in which I was able to tell someone EXACTLY how I felt. You inspired that, and I thank you.

Zap an e-mail to me, sweets. I'd love to add you to my blog.

hearts and flowers!
Mags

[rebecca]

The kindness factor is a big issue in my house, too. I am too nice, Jason is too oblivious. But where do we draw the line? That is my question. How do I teach my daughter to be kind and loving, without turning into the Yes Man I tend to be?
I am rambling, because I know how you feel, and I wish I had the answer as well.
I spend far too much time lately saying "Why would someone SAY that? Why would someone do something so Rude?"

[She Likes Purple]

Rebecca, such a good point. I think, though, that the spirit of kindness has a foundation of authenticity, and that's something I wish I would have emphasized in the original post. I don't want to exemplify (or teach) kindness as a forced behavior but as something that is inspired by sincerity. And when you're sincerely staying true to that spirit, you find the ability to say no when it's not healthy for you to say yes. There's a true balance found in kindness, and that's something I'd like to reclaim.

[Steph Corwin]

I do the same thing with negative comments. I internalize them and dwell on them for much longer than any sort of comment. Not only in day to day life, but at work as well. If I do one tiny thing wrong, I feel like such a failure, when in actuality I'm very good at my job. I think it is a woman thing. If you ever find the secret to overcoming it, please share!

I also completely understand where you are coming from with your secret to a good marriage. It is so true! A little kindness in the home can certainly improve my mood and my day! I think it truly has a huge impact on your marriage and daily life.

p.s. I love your belly!!

[jonniker]

Who -- no seriously, WHO -- comments on any pregnant woman's size at all? WHO? WHO ARE THESE FRESH DOPES?

In the last two weeks, I have both eaten too much and too little for a pregnant woman, been too big AND too small, gained too much AND not enough weight, depending on who's sized me up.

Seriously. People need to just shut their pie holes.

You look perfect to me.

[Camels & Chocolate]

You DO look fantastic! Absolutely radiant and beaming! But I totally get what you mean--even though I have a policy of immediately deleting a negative comment, because if people don't like me, they can just not read as opposed to leave hate on my site--I still think of it for days to come, like "why don't they like meeee? Am I really the horrible person they make me out to be?" Why are we like that? I think it's a female thing.

[banana]

I couldn't agree with you more that negative energy seems stronger than positive energy - which is so silly! A few months ago I was running a large scale shuttle service for a conference and for a number of reasons it was very stressful. Almost all of the attendees could see how hard I was working to ensure that everything went as smoothly as possible. They were patting my back, thanking me and telling me what a good job I was doing. Then this one mean lady yells at me and tells me "you're not doing the best you can" and all of those thank yous disappeared. I try really hard to remember the positive, and not let the negative have more power, but it sure is hard.

[ali]

people need filters.
i once was asked how much i weighed and when i said it, one asshat commented and said, "are you sure you aren't deceiving your readers...because you look about 20 pounds more than you say"
i about died. right then and there.

[She Likes Purple]

Kristin (Camels & Chocolate): My friend and I were talking about this just the other day, how men don't gossip and don't let gossip affect them, and I think negativity bounces off of them easier because of that. So, I totally agree, it is a female thing.

[Jen]

I agree with Ali - people have no filter. Especially when it comes to pregnant women. Something about the belly seems to be an open invite to every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Jane to open their traps and share their expertise and opinions about your size, your food, your hair, your clothes, etc.

I told someone how far along I was the other day, and she said, "Wow, you've already really popped," with a weird disapproving tone. UM, OKAY. THANKS.

I hope you reserve the right to delete any comments from dumbtards who just want to be hurtful. You look fantastic, and I hope you'll continue to show us belly pics as you grow!

[Kristabella]

Oh man, I am so with you on the negative stuff. Like people who you know mean well but kind of come across assvicey and it just sends you into a deep depression. I had that day last Thursday where I just wanted to yell "fuck all ya'll!" at everyone and be done with it.

I wish I knew how not to let it bother me, besides consumimg my weight in chocolate or meatloaf.

[Dianna]

I think you look great! Every single person is different with anything they do and you are doing this wonderfully. I do the same thing when people tell me things, tend to dwell on the negative facts. It's just so easier to convince yourself that the negative things someone said are ture because they're probably closer to what you're thinking anyways, at least in my case, and difficult to believe the positive stuff. I have a hard time believing my boyfriend when he says something great about me. But Jennie, really, you're doing this so well and look great and I am loving reading about your experience.

[Natalie]

ah! I agree. When we went shopping on Saturday I felt like everyone was being so rude. And while I was driving home, I began to think maybe I'm taking everything to personally.

Today, injured thumb and all I was loading my precious chick-fil-a into my car, and the french fries fell off the top of the car. It was my fault because I put the VIP fries on the top of my car. But, those super friendly Chick-fil-a employees gave me all new fries. AWESOME!

[Laurie]

I'm a little late to the party on this one...but I had to comment on your pregnancy put-down! I had one too! When I was 24 weeks, people @ work kept saying, "oh, you're so little, when are you going to pop"? Then last week @ 26 weeks, my damn supervisor told me I look ALOT bigger than 26 weeks. It's like I can't win! Why won't my stupid co-workers just keep their mouths shut while I get fat & happy? I'm so short, there's nowhere for my uterus to go but straight out from now on.

Hang in there, every woman's body is different. I think you look great! And if it makes you feel better, I haven't worn pre-pregnancy jeans for a couple months now!

[Swistle]

Oh, man, I am the SAME WAY. I can get 50 comments saying, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH," and then I get one comment saying "Meh" and I remember it forever. I've been trying to change this about myself for 35 years now. (No luck.)