First letter

Son,

I'm days away from seeing your face, and soon enough I won't remember life without that face in it, so I'm writing this for the both of us -- so you will know what your mother was thinking the days leading up to your arrival and so I will never forget.

I used to talk to you, before you ever existed, when you were just a hope. I used to tell you how much I wanted you, how I would try forever to get you, and how I would love you even if you wanted to vote Republican one day. Then, when we got the news you were growing inside me, I held my breath, desperately hopeful nothing would take you away from us. I'm sorry if I wished away those first few weeks of pregnancy, always wanting to get a few more days under my belt, convinced you'd be safer tomorrow. Your mama is working really hard to stop wishing the days away, to stop holding her breath so much, certain the good is reserved for tomorrow. I know the good is right now, and I'm going to do my damnedest to stay in each moment with you.

I didn't love being pregnant every moment of every day, and I'm not going to lie to you and say I did. In fact, there will be days when you're a crabby and moody teenager when I will remind you -- in great detail -- just how sick you made me. I love you, baby boy, but using that against you one day is what we call a perk of this job. But, I must say, life doesn't get more beautiful than feeling your child move within you. People said it would make all the other symptoms bearable and they were unequivocally right. Even though I still have two precious days to feel those movements, I guarantee I have missed them every day since.

I like to think that because of these last nine months, you and I will always have a secret between us. Although I don't know what the future holds or if you'll ever have a little sister or brother, this inside secret is one of the main reasons I hesitate to ever do this again -- not because pregnancy royally kicked my ass but because I like that it's just us in this club, that, for now, no one else is a member. I would put my hand on my stomach during my pregnancy and you'd never stop moving, sometimes you'd even kick a little harder. But when anyone else would come near me, you'd freeze, as if you knew it was a different hand. I could be making that up, but I like to believe you already know me and that you'll recognize me for the rest of your life. Even if you don't tell me about the girl (or boy!) you have a crush on or the parties you're sneaking out of the house to go to or the light pole you ran your dad's Mustang into, I hope you'll always recognize me, that you'll always know my hand from another's. (But you can tell me about the light pole. We'll figure it out together.)

Speaking of your dad, I did good, didn't I? You can thank me by not rolling your eyes at me 9 million times a day in about 13 years. Although I am a lot of really cool things your dad is infinitely cooler. I think you're really going to enjoy life with him on your team. It softens all the falls, multiplies all the joys and makes everything that much sweeter. I am sorry about what he fills our DVR with, though. Unless you enjoy those same shows, and if you do, I have failed as a mother. It's official.

I want a lot for you, as I think all moms do. I want you to have more than I have, I want you to be smarter and kinder and funnier. I want you to find something you're passionate about and go after it. I want you to feel great love and great hope. I want you to be grounded and self-assured. I want you to read more than I have made the time to. But, mostly, I want you to follow your heart and be true to yourself above all other things. I want you to know that I will never waver in my support of you, and I will stand up beside you endlessly, but, baby, if you want to try out for American Idol and you cannot sing, I am going to try and prepare you for what may happen. Nothing breaks my heart more than those poor, awful singers standing in front of the judges, CRYING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION and managing to say, "But my mom says I'm a great singer." I will go with you to the auditions. I will bedazzle signs. I will also pull you aside and talk about a little thing we call a back-up plan. I love you enough to be honest with you, and I hope that in being honest with you, you'll be honest with me right back and let me know when I'm wearing mom jeans.

I'm not sure what our life is like in the future. I don't know if I get my act together to cook us all dinner more regularly or if I tackle the laundry before the laundry, literally, tackles me. I do know that our life before you was sweet and simple and beautiful in all the most important ways, and it's because of how happy we were before you that we wanted you so badly. You weren't a solution or a Band-aid or a quick fix. You were something we prayed for and tried for and even though I am just terrified about Thursday and how exactly getting you out is going to go down, there has never been a day that I haven't thought adding you to our family was one of the best ideas your dad and I ever came up with together.

We had this slight little scare halfway through my pregnancy, and because your mother is CRAZY, I spent a good few days unsure of what was really going on with you and instead of just relaxing and breathing and watching reality television, I Googled every possible outcome. I had myself so scared and worked up, I was positive we'd never see your birthday, and I began doing what I imagine all mothers do at some point: bargaining. I don't really care how religious you are or aren't, I think there comes a time in everyone's life when they say, "Screw it, I'll give praying a try," because they are so desperate to avoid a certain outcome. You can't really appreciate that yet, I know, and it'll be years before you do, but halfway through my pregnancy, when I thought you weren't entirely safe inside me, I began offering myself up in order to assure you'd be just fine. I haven't held you yet, seen your eyes, heard your cry, but, baby, my life already seems like a small price to pay for yours. Yes, yes, your mother is so dramatic, but, love, it's true. I'd do it all for you and then some. And, really, I think all that alcohol I avoided over the last almost year does more than prove that.

I can't wait to meet you.

Love,

Your Mama

Comments

[Cheri]

This was absolutely, hands down, the best letter from a mother to her child I have ever read.

Beautiful.

[AidoElleMomma]

Your son is so very lucky to be coming into a loving home with two wonderful and cool parents. I do hope that your delivery goes well and that your life long journey as a Momma begins with joy. Best of luck.

[Jen]

Wow. That was incredible. Thank you for sharing it.

[Julienne]

So pretty. So perfect.

[Moose]

You're going to be (are) such a good mother.

[pickles & dimes]

This is perfect.

[La Petite Chic]

Oh Jennie, this was perfect in every way. It makes me feel so excited for when I have that special secret to share with my own baby one day.

[Cassie]

I love mother-to-child letters. This is absolutely beautiful, thank you for sharing it! You're going to be an amazing mama. Your son is so blessed.

[jodiur]

Lovely.

But, just so you know, Michael rolls his eyes now, at almost 4. So you may need to change that number.

[Kate]

So Thursday for sure?!?? Wowza. So exciting.

And what a beautiful record of your feelings. For all that you feel now, it's all about to be amplified. A hundred-fold. :)

Best of luck...can't wait to hear about & see the little guy.

[Raychelle]

Beautiful. So excited for you to meet your son...you're going to be the best mom.

[Dianna]

You amaze me. Your son is so lucky to have you as his mother, he will never know. Is it strange how happy and excited I am for you to meet him? And to see pictures, of course. Wishing you luck and strength Thursday (or before), know you're in my thoughts.

[auntie]

um...crying at work now! but what a great reason to cry. a beautiful letter.

[Dianna]

I know I just posted a comment and that this has nothing to do with your post, but I just have to say thank you. I glanced at your sidebar on the left and clicked on the links to scroll through and see if you read any of the same people I do and you have my blog listed. Thank you. That means so much to me, truly.

[Raven]

So awesome, just like you.

[Christina]

I clicked to comment but have nothing to say- just a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

[Jess]

This is so beautiful. And telling your child your honest opinion about his chances to make it on American Idol--that's good parenting right there.

[sensibly Sassy]

aaaand I am weepy on my lunch break. I can't wait to meet him too!

[Jennie]

I was teary-eyed at Son.
Thank you for sharing such a private letter between you and your little boy! We all can't wait to meet him!!

[sarah]

you so made me cry and think perchance the whole pregnancy and parenthood thing isn't THAT scary. if only i could find a husband. it'd be a good time as i will be 30 in under 2 weeks. :p hope you describe the delivery as "perfect and amazing" (it happens! a friend of mine assures me it's true. she has a boy and a girl now and wants two more so it must be). i'll be thinking of you!

[Erin]

Simply beautiful! Such a lucky little boy!

[cherie]

Hooker,
You made me cry at work. ;)

[Roz]

YOU. Are Awesome.

And your boy - is so lucky - to have you as a Mom.

[Jen L.]

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. It's beautiful.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Awwwwwwwwwww. This was amazing. Like crying-at-work amazing.

[Larissa]

I love hearing your thoughts on motherhood. I'm due in May, and have had many of the same feelings and notions. Have a wonderful last few moments of pregnancy!

[Connie]

I'm crying also, that was beautiful. I'm due in 17 days and I have the same feelings except I wouldn't have been able to write them down as you have. Thank you for sharing and all the best.

[Rachel]

This is too sweet and so great of you to share with everyone. What a great thing to be able to look back on and read a few years from now.

[AmyB]

Crying before 10am isn't usually something I look forward to, but in this case, I feel so lucky to have read the letter that brought forth these tears in my eyes. Tomorrow is already an amazing day, because you will be bringing a very-much loved son into the world. I've been reading during your entire journey - from the times you were sad the plastic stick had a dash and not a plus, until now, one day before you give birth to your child. My husband and I are just now talking about starting a family, but I feel like I'm more prepared with what I will experience from having read your beautiful words over the past 40+ weeks. THANK YOU and CONGRATS to you and Mike! I don't know you, but I couldn't be happier for you!!

[TUWABVB]

I want you to be my mother too. :)

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way for this oh-so-important day. I can't wait to see pictures of your little gem!

[Kerri Anne]

Beautiful, babe. I can't wait! for you to meet your son.

[Kristabella]

Wow, that was beautiful! He's going to be the most loved boy in all the land!

We ALL can't wait to meet him!

[Nicole]

Oh god. You made me cry. This was beautiful.

[Jen]

Jennie, this was amazing. Wishing you and Mike all the best tomorrow as you meet your little man. I can't wait to see him and hear his name!

[metalia]

Annnnd I'm crying. Jennie, he's so lucky to have a Mama like you. :)

[Debbie in the UK]

OMG, Good Luck!! Hope everything goes well for you today! Why are you being induced? I am sure there must be a reason?

Happy Birthday little man!

Love

Debbie x

[nonsoccermom]

Beautiful!! Can't wait to "meet" the little guy, good luck!

[Gaby]

Happy Baby Day!

You've got a lot of people thinking about you today, wishing your soon-to-be family of 3 luck :)

[Dianna]

Hope everything's going smoothly! I've been thinking of you since about 6 this morning. Can't wait to meet your little man.

[auntie]

it's baby day...it's baby day! can't wait for pics :)

[Danielle-lee]

Awwwwwwww. Wonderfully written.
Happy baby day! :)
(And I agree with Jodifur, the eye-rolling begins in the toddler years these days, so be prepared!!)

[Steph]

This really was so sweet, and I'm so excited for you! Especially since today is the day, and pretty soon you're going to be whispering these things in his tiny little ear.

[Courtney and Dave]

Bless you for the writer you are and the mother you will be (are). You have such a beautiful way you have with words. You all are so lucky to have each other. Miss you! Can't wait to meet the little man!!