Next chapter

I was home, day in and day out, for eight weeks. Hard weeks. Beautiful weeks. Weeks filled with the soft scent of my son, a mix between his apple bubble bath and his natural sweetness. Weeks spent in yoga pants with spit-up trails on the baggy T-shirts I stole from Mike. Weeks where I didn't get off the couch, didn't leave the house. Weeks where I ventured out, my son weighted across my arm. Weeks I wished away. Weeks I'll never get back.

There are some mothers who want you to feel guilty if you don't stay home, if you don't cut every corner imaginable in order to be the only one caring for your child, but I've found that most mothers understand that motherhood, although universal, is an experience that can't be duplicated, made up of a billion uncharted roads we're each blazing for the first time. Some moms stay home, some go back to work, some work from home. Each one loves their child with everything they are made up of.

I'm going to miss these weeks even though they almost broke me. As I said on twitter last night, I already miss this time and that's just how I am: hopelessly nostalgic for that which almost killed me. AND IT'S TRUE. But, really, there is so much to miss. When Kyle and I would finally get off the couch in the morning, after lazying about, eating breakfast and taking cat naps, we'd shuffle into his room to get dressed for the day. I would hold up onesies and t-shirts and ask his opinion on them. "Do you want to wear this buddy? No? What about this one?" I'd kiss his neck while he laid there. I'd sing to him and tell him what was going to be on Oprah that afternoon. I'm going to miss taking my time with that part of our day, getting him changed and dressed and doing it slowly and lovingly. I know our mornings will become rushed and hurried, and I won't be able to linger over his flailing infant limbs as long as I want. I'd stay with him every moment of every day, but I know I can't, I shouldn't.

It's easy to make your child your entire world, to forget yourself, your husband, your friends, your passions, your waist line. It's easy to devote all that energy to your baby because you really do believe you've never seen anything so perfect. You believe they're made of magic. But I have to also believe my son will benefit not from me making him my whole world but by making my world beautiful, so he will be inspired to make his own world the same.

He's asleep right now, just in the other room. I already miss him.

(Wouldn't you miss this guy, too?)

 

(Man, I still can't figure out who he looks like.)

(Oh, I also already miss "Felicity," which I tearfully finished tonight.)

Comments

[Steph S.]

You continue to write with such authenticity and beauty! You are a fantastic mother! :)

[Mom]

You are such a beautiful writer, and Kyle is so lucky to have you as his mom. I'm thinking of you today, knowing that you are happy to be back at a job you love and with people you consider to be family. Not only are you a wonderful wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend, but you are an amazing writer. You should put energy into your career, and Kyle will grow up knowing how much you love him -- you can just tell how he looks at you, that you are so special to him. Embrace life in every way and make your dreams come true. Love you, Mom

[La Petite Chic]

I see you in him, more than Mike. Please know that I'm thinking of you today and hoping that your return to work is easy and joyful and goes by quickly so that you can get home to your little family. Hugs.

[Jess]

I think you're exactly right. Motherhood is universal but can't be duplicated. It is good for you to have your own world, your own space. And Kyle enhances that part of your world as well, just by being part of your life.

[Kristie]

Here's the your first day back at work and finding some time for you. Miss you!

[Raychelle]

I hope your first day of work goes smoothly :) Kyle looks like a perfect mix of you and Mike! Wonderfully unique and adorable :)

[Melanie]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. We are a month away from our first, your posts have meant more than you could ever know. Good luck with the new routine, and thank you some more. ;-)

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

I can't wait for those weeks of my own. When the last baby in my family was born, I spent weeks helping out because the mother was hospitalized. Those weeks were the hardest I'd ever known and I know they must be so much harder when you are the parent, but I cannot wait to experience them again as the mother. Mmmm.

Thank you so much for writing so honestly and openly about this time in your new parenthood and Kyle's life. I'm really enjoying these posts.

[Jen L.]

You are so right. It's important for our kids to know who we are as people, not just their moms. After all, it's the people we grew up to be who decided to bring these little miracles into the world...of course we want to show them what we're made of!
Good luck with your return to work. Kyle continues to be precious and beautiful.

[Lane]

What? It's time to go back to work already? I feel for you. Just a heads up....the first day back at the office just may be the weirdest day ever. It's like you remember being there, but at the same time you are not too sure where you used to fit in. If I were you I would give it two good weeks, before you start to feel like you have everything at work under control again. But then again, maybe I was just super slow at adjusting. I hope it's an easy transformation for you.

p.s. Thanks for the sweet comment, you made me cry (with happiness)!

[Christina]

I agree completely! You really do need to feed yourself in order to be the best you and the best mother!
I recently broke up with a gf who insulted me for the last time: telling me how pathetic I was for giving up my whole self to be a Mom. For me staying home works, for her, working. (why she felt the need to constantly throw me under the bus for it, I don't know.)
I beleive you can maintain who you are while doing this job no matter if your at home or working. I hope that your first few weeks back give you the balance and ease you deserve. Again, I think you're doing this all so right.

[Frema]

I just had my second baby, a boy who turns nine weeks old tomorrow, and I went back to work on Tuesday, so I can relate to this so much. While my husband is a stay-at-home dad, it's only that way because me and my job were better equipped support our family, and there are times when it hurts so badly to be away from my kids for the bulk of my day. But I've surprised myself by actually liking being a working mom. I hope you will, too.

P.S. Your son is adorable.

P.P.S. I never saw Felicity, but SOAPNet is going to start airing Gilmore Girls this weekend, and I cannot wait. So what if I'm years behind the bandwagon? I'm hella excited.

[La Petite Belle]

have fun at work! enjoy the time that is yours. I really look forward to coming to work even though I adore my children.