Lived forward, loved backward

Something I'll always remember about Kyle's infancy are all the blog posts I've read at three in the morning. Not just regular blog posts -- you're probably wondering if I'll ever come round your site again, and I assure you I will -- but blog posts that touch on the first few months post-baby. I've enjoyed reading some of my favorite parenting bloggers' archives, as it reminds me that time does pass, people do get through this stage and go on to have adorable, grinning toddlers and they even have a record to show for their survival. It's the ultimate blogging cliche: we do this for the community, for the I'm-not-alone factor, for the metaphorical hand that reaches out to pat us on the back with words we could have written ourselves, words I probably will write at some point over the next year. The words of strangers have saved my life these last six weeks. Oh, there aren't enough thank yous in the world for those words, for those strangers. As I said today on a post: thank you a million times for writing this. And then thank you again.

I wrote this post the other day, in part, because I knew there would be a new mom crying onto her keyboard in the wee hours of the morning one day, searching for something to do until the next time the baby squawks for the pacifier she had just put back in his squawking mouth. Sleep? Why even bother, it'll just be 15 minutes before he needs me again, may as well stay awake. I thought my post may help her and if some hypothetical stranger can find comfort in knowing she's not struggling alone, then, god, I'll never stop writing.

We had a good day today, nice long naps, easy bedtime, minimal screaming. I hope the changes I'm making are working. We'll know more after a few days, but if things don't look up by next week, I'll go to a new pediatrician and try to get new answers. 

When I was pregnant I imagined I'd always be pregnant. I could not wrap my head around the transformation from pregnant to mom. Just as now I can't wrap my head around Kyle being three months old or six months or a year. We toured a day-care center recently and the director briefly showed us the toddler room where these walking, squealing kids were playing and making art projects. I said out loud, "Oh, no. He'll never be that big." And, seriously, I meant it. Not in the "my baby is growing up!" way but in the honest-to-god disbelief way. It's this strange, stagnant feeling of parenthood, that he'll always be this size, even though there's solid proof he hasn't always been this size. I can't picture him bigger yet his legs are already too long for his newborn sleepers. I stand in his room, puzzled. Wasn't he just drowning in this outfit? Wasn't that just yesterday? 

Something about having to live life forward but only understanding it the other way around. Something about getting through it to miss it. We can't long for the past while we're standing in the thick of it, so we wish it away only to crave it one day. We try to find the fast-forward button only to long for the pause. 

He was born six weeks ago. Where does the time go? I wonder. 

Just as you said I would. 

Minutes old

One day old

Sx weeks old (and sporting baby's first polo!) 

Comments

[Meighan]

When I was a new Mom, a stranger told me something I will never forget. He said to me, "Parenthood - where the days go by so slowly, but the years go by so quickly.". I was stunned into silence, just nodding my head after I let the words sink in and penetrate my mind and heart. Now, I am getting ready to celebrate my baby's 3rd birthday and I cannot tell you where the years have gone since I brought him home from the hospital. Honestly, there are days when I don't think I will survive and I sit in my room wondering what possesed me to bring children into this world. And then that day passes and the next one has to potential to be easier and that is what keeps me going. That and hearing my son say, "Mommy I love you a little and a lot.". Hang in there!

[Erin]

I freaked when my boy moved from infant A to infant B in daycare (two side of the same room). The kids in infant B sat up by themselves! They ate muffins! And now we're to the point that he wouldn't leave us alone at dinner last night because he wanted to eat some of the Bloomin' Onion. (Which resulted in a bloomin stinky diaper this morning.)

[Cass]

Coming out of lurkdom to say, I did the same thing! I was hooked to my computer in the wee hours of the morning (well, really lots of the day ... daytime tv sucks!) while I was on maternity leave, reading the archives and stories of others and finding comfort in the fact that others had been there/done that before me ... and survived. :) My baby just turned 6 months old, which is SOO hard to believe. So keep up the writing of your stories ... I love reading the new moms (even though I am still one), but crazy enough, at only 6 months I am already on the other side of a lot of the newborn stages. It does go so fast - I love the first commenter's quote - so true. Congrats on an adorable baby!

[La Petite Chic]

Oh my goodness, he has gotten big! It's amazing to see the transformation of your little guy. And, Jennie, just so you know, many of your posts have gotten me through this stage of my life, the stage of wondering and waiting and hoping.

[Kim]

SO TRUE. Even now that he's a year old, I am still halfway wanting time to fly - because yes, it's still damn hard. I hear elementary aged kids are quite a bit easier than one year olds!
And I so wished the time away during those rough few first months. But even now, I don't feel guilt about it. Because it was hell sometimes, and you do what you can just to get through.

[Elizabeth]

Yep.
You nailed it.
Even now I look at Eli and he TALKS TO ME and I think "oh no! That's not right. You're two minutes old and you have to sleep with your head under my neck!"
Where did my baby go? It does, it happens so slowly and so quickly.
Sometimes I watch him sleep and and I think "In sixteen years, you're going to try to leave me!" and it takes my breath away. I literally cannot imagine ever letting this person LEAVE.

[Jess]

I think this is sort of true of every stage of life, but no more so than with parenthood. We tell ourselves about the house that oh, it's an investment and then we'll have paid it off and it will belong to us. And then I see on the mortgage papers the day when it is scheduled to be paid off? And I think oh, that will never come. But it will.

[Christina]

I was reading my own archives recently and was shocked at how much I had forgotten. How tired I was, how hard nursing was, how I was falling in love despite it all. You will be glad you wrote this for yourself, too. Helping others is fantastic, of course. But one day when Kyle IS one of those walking squealing toddlers this will be a memory as distant as any.
I never rushed Nate out of any stage- I tired as hard as I could to deal - I had watched a video of Catherine (her bad mother)when he was about 3 weeks old and she said somthing about trying to remember that she is going to want "this" moment back. Not just the good moments but all of them, you will long for the baby you once had. Each passing day watching her girl grow- no matter how trying, she would want it back. I wonder if I hadnt kept that in mind what I may have missed.
6 weeks flew by- sadly, it wont slow down.

[Dianna]

He has filled out so much in 6 weeks. He's starting to get those chubby baby cheeks!

[Angella]

He's getting so big! Sigh. It really does go to fast...

[just me]

He's gotten really chunky! Looks like you both are doing an excellent job of nursing! Keep up the great work!

[bethany actually]

It still seems to me like Annalie's first six months were actually about 37 years long...but the 4 1/2 years since then have FLOWN by. I look at this tall, leggy, hilarious kid in my house sometimes and think, "What happened to my baby!?"

I remember reading a breastfeeding book when Annalie was still in her first year of life, and there was a chapter in it about extended breastfeeding, i.e., nursing toddlers. At the very beginning of the chapter it said something like, "If you are a first-time mom and your child is under 18 months old, don't even read this chapter. It will totally gross you out to think about nursing something with hair and teeth who can ask to nurse with words and you will not be able to wrap your brain around it. But what you can't understand yet is that when your baby becomes a 2- or 3-year-old, he is still your baby and it feels perfectly natural to still be nursing.

I think about that a lot, not in terms of nursing, but in terms of the fact that my almost-five-year-old who is very independent is still very much my baby. I don't think that will ever change.

[Susan]

You're oh, so good at this. You keep capturing things that I felt with both my boys as infants but was too addled to communicate effectively, in any way, to any one. Way to go. You're going to love having this record.

I know this is cliche, and everyone says it andyou already know it, but just try your best to be cognizant of how fast six weeks has gone. These are six weeks that aren't really easy. They're tiring and more tiring and a little exhausting and a tad bit overwhelming. When things start getting easier, which they're going to do so slowly you won't even notice it happening, that's when the time really flies.

The minutes of motherhood are sometimes excruciatingly slow, but the hours, days, weeks and months can vaporize on you when you're not paying attention. Keep writing about the hard minutes so you can enjoy the delightful days and months ahead.

[Jen L.]

I certainly understand where you're coming from! My blog friends were literally ALL that got me through those first few post-partum months. None of my close friends have kids, so I really didn't have anyone I could pick up the phone and talk to about colic and poop and the like. Being able to turn to my computer at any time of the day or night helped me cope. And you're right--it's kind of unfair that you have to be through it to miss it. I was thinking the other day about how much I already miss my little infant and how in a year, I'll yearn for my one-year old. I've started realizing that he won't always be my little baby living in a universe almost completely revolving around him, me and his dad. It's a bittersweet thing! I remember at some point in my second trimester of pregnancy realizing that I was not just carrying our BABY, I was carrying our son or daughter. Gives things a different spin!
Kyle is adorable in his polo shirt. Just wait--he'll smile at you very soon. You just think he melts your heart now...

[Danielle]

The bitter-sweetness of days standing still and years flying...it takes my breath away. I just cannot fathom my girl someday NOT BEING MINE. She will be her own person, not my little sassy child that brings me to the brink of insanity, but not before she melts my heart.

[Amy]

You are about a month ahead of me in the new-mom journey and it is already helpful to read your experience. I can't believe my baby is a week-old, so I can imagine you feel that way even more at 6 weeks! Thanks for sharing your journey with your little guy.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

How can he just keep getting cuter?

I haven't had my baby yet, so I cannot completely identify with this post, but I wanted to thank you for writing it. I know people who were saved by the grace of blog posts available at 3am too, and if I'm ever one of them then, well, I'll probably thank you again.

In related news, the saying the first commenter wrote? I have a relative who says the SAME THING. Must be true.