Kinder

I've been ridiculously hard on myself since Kyle was born. I've been constantly angry at myself over losing my temper too often, for not cooking regularly, for not losing all the baby weight yet, for not handling my responsibilities better, for not keeping stress at bay. So, I've been doing something a little crazy in order to counter all that internal pressure: I've been taking on more and more and more. It's how I work. The guilt is ridiculous, so I foolishly think I can alleviate it by adding just one more thing to my plate. And before I know it, my head explodes!

Hi, I'm crazy, how are you?

After feeling like a bison for nine months while pregnant, I so wanted to go right back to feeling normal the day I gave birth, both physically and emotionally. I assumed life would be different, but I didn't want to feel different. I wanted to remain, more or less, the person I was before.

I haven't.

I'm not.

I think this is a mixture of many things: lingering hormones, stress, the extra weight, the pressure of being a new mom and what that means for me as a person and as a wife, the plain responsibility of not only raising a child but raising a happy, well-adjusted boy. I just don't think I've handled the pressure as well as I had hoped I would, at least not internally.

Life is really very good, and I always fret about putting out a negative-toned post because I'm not crying in the corner every day! There's a lot of love, a lot of happiness, a lot of laughs! We have a beautiful boy! A new home! Upcoming vacations planned! (Vegas, yo!) But, come on, isn't it OK to just say out loud, I've been too hard on myself, and I'm having a particularly crappy day today, and it's making me all introspective and shit. 

I dream big, and I look for silver linings. I think happiness is a choice, something you make, not something you are lucky enough to stumble upon. I think you wake up each day and make many, many decisions: what to eat, how to treat people, how often to smile, etc. At the end of the day, if you're worn out or exhausted or feeling blue, you can decide to start fresh the next day. Your choices. Your life. It is what you make of it. I believe these things. I believe in working hard and fighting for what matters and trying my best day in and day out. What I don't believe -- or at least don't practice enough of --  is letting myself off the hook when I fall short of who I want to be. When I can't shake the bad mood, when I can't muster a smile for a stranger, when I eat a cupcake instead of a head of broccoli, I can't let it go. I can't shake it. I beat myself up for hours, for days, for years and then I feel guilty for doing that, so I spread myself too thin to make up for it all.

My god. I'm exhausted just writing all that!

I'm sharing because I believe I'm not the only mom/woman/HUMAN who feels this way. The constant up and down of life, with all its pressures and stresses and LACK OF SLEEP and did I mention pressures? Oh, what about stresses?

I'm sharing because I think most women need to take better care of themselves, and not just in the form of girls' nights out or a trip to the spa or sleeping in from time to time or squeezing in a workout that really will make the foggy look bright, but in terms of the way we talk to ourselves, the way we mentally and emotionally treat ourselves. The way we tend to hold grudges with ourselves and keep a nasty account of all the times we've slipped up, fallen short, yelled too loud, drank too much, ate thirds when seconds was really quite enough. We forgive others so often -- at least I do. We see the good, offer the benefit of the doubt, allow the "just having a bad day" excuse to wipe slates clean and clear, but we can't do the same with ourselves. 

What much better lives we'd lead if we could.

Comments

[Belly Girl]

Take it easy on yourself my friend! You are doing a helluva job juggling it all.

I can't tell you how much I agree with "happiness is a choice"...but damn, isn't it just exhausting to make that choice sometimes? Some days, it would just be a whole lot easier to be grumpy and fat.

[Hillary]

The post at Bodies in Motivation the other day -- by I forget who -- about rejoicing in the positive things comes to mind. It's hard to do, but feels so good when we manage it.

Chin up.

[Kristabella]

1) Of course you're allowed to admit that it is rough sometimes. If you didn't, we'd worry or think you're lying. Because life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and puppies, even with an adorable baby around.

2) This is so true. We are all so hard on ourselves and why? Why do I beat myself up if I sleep in or don't work out or if I don't want to blog? And what for? We should all vow to do more things that make us happy and not feel bad about our missteps. We're allowed them. We're HUMAN.

[MrsBagley]

Get outta my head- you don't even know me!!

Thank you for this. You're dead on. *deep breath*

[Jen]

I don't think I have to tell you how much I can relate to this sentiment of needing and wanting to do and be everything to everyone all of the time, and how frustrating it is when I just can't. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer up. Just want to say that I get it.

[Jess]

I absolutely agree. These things are a choice and you are making excellent choices every day. Of course there are certain factors you can't control but what you can do is the best you can with the things you can control. And you are fantastic. And it's OK to feel down sometimes even if your life is pretty great most of the time.

Feel better! And try to cut yourself some slack!

[Erin]

Excellent points, all. And you know what? Being a mom has shed a heckuva lot of light into my darkest personality corners, because I want to be the best person I can be for my kid. I know I'm supposed to want to be the best for myself--and I do--but having a kid makes you examine who you are as you figure out who you're becoming.

So. Keep treating yourself the way you expect, say, your husband to treat you. Because I figure that I tend to talk to myself a lot worse than I'd let anyone else talk to me.

[She Likes Purple]

Erin, great point. I allow my internal dialog to get a lot harsher than any conversation I'd have with the people I care about. Basically, I talk to myself (at times) the way I'd talk to my electricity provider's customer service reps ;)

Thanks, everyone. I'm going to go easier on myself, definitely.

[Moose]

About two years ago, I made a concerted effort to stop beating myself up. My self-esteem and quality of life has improved IMMEASURABLY. When I feel bad about NOT beating myself up because I let myself or someone else down (oh yes), I tell myself that the only way to give kindness and compassion to other people is to give it to myself first.

I would love to jump into your head for awhile and give you a little break. Because you're doing a wonderful job.

[bethany actually]

I was guilty of the wanting to go back to "normal" after I gave birth too. It took me the better part of a year to truly realize that I had to learn a new normal, that life as a childless person is completely different from life as a parent in a million different ways. It took your body nine months to grow that baby; give yourself at least that much time to adapt to your new self. :-)

Also, it's totally okay to admit to crappy days...but I'm very glad to hear about the love and laughter too!

[Legallyblondemel]

Well said, as usual. I'm terrible at choosing happiness - I somehow expect it to descend upon me From On High - so this is a welcome reminder. I'm going to back away from the peanut butter jar now (literally and spiritually) & get on with the next choice.

[Camels & Chocolate]

Oh honey, I may be childless but I feel you on this! I actually just went to the doctor for increasingly more common anxiety attacks, and aside from now being medicated, I've vowed to SLOW DOWN and maybe see a therapist if it doesn't get better soon.

[Julienne]

I so needed to hear this today!

[Rachel]

I don't have a child yet, but I can understand how you feel with being hard on yourself. I do the same thing often, and it's tough. Don't be too hard on yourself...you are a great mother!

[Bethany]

This post spoke right to me. I don't have kids, but my life has become exponentially more stressful and difficult lately, and I've been relentlessly blaming myself for it. I am going to try to go easier on myself because of this post.

[bessie.viola]

Gosh, I so needed to hear this today. I have been significantly stressed and I just need to stop, but I can't turn it off... today, I'm going to try a little bit harder to just let it all go.

[Kristie]

It's as if you knew you what I've been feeling lately. Just a few days ago I started a new thing that is really truly helping. I was overeating at every meal and I've gained 10 pounds back from what I lost and I knew it was because I wasn't listening to my inner self. I started saying the word "aware" in my head when I start to feel stress or anger or that I want to eat something when I don't need to. I am trying so hard to be aware of myself, all of myself. I was actually going to post about this today, I think I will.

Hugs to you hun, this life thing is all a process.

[auntie]

such a great post - although i'm certainly not the poster child for Positive Thoughts, it really bugs me that we're so hard on ourselves ALL THE TIME. life is hard enough, really.

one thing i *try* to do when i look in the mirror and don't like what i see - both outside AND inside - is to tell myself that today, right now, this is the best i can do. i have some pounds to lose but i put some effort into how i look today and this is the best i can do right now. i wasn't able to get eleventy-trillion things done at work today but it's ok because it was the best i could do today.

and when i give myself that kind of break, i tend to look at other people the same way, as in, the lady in the grocery store losing patience with her kid is probably doing the best she can at that moment, etc.

[She Likes Purple]

auntie, I like that. It helps me when I get down about weight loss or how I treat others or the state of my house (so on and so forth) to say/think, "I can change this." This isn't some irreversible condition or tragic occurrence. I'm in control of this, so if I want to be skinny, I can be. If I want a clean house, I can have that, too. When I give myself the power, it feels like a much easier mountain to climb, if that makes any sense.

[Twinsmomma]

Wow! I can totally relate to this post! I too am struggling with many of the things you talked about. Thanks for sharing and letting me know that it's okay to feel like that and that it's also okay to not be so hard on yourself.