I hope I'm wrong

I can't remember if my relationship with my dad has ever been really easy, has ever been really good. I think so, I hope so, but still I can't remember. I remember plenty of good times, sure -- the way he used to swerve the car to the beat of the music on the radio, how he's always up for a donut, when he drove so far out of his way last summer to see me another time before my plane left California. He appreciates good music and art and movies. He is whip smart and funny, too. When he's on, he's one of the most enjoyable people to be around. He's not always on.

He can tell you who won the World Series 10 years ago and by how many games and who the winning pitcher was, but he's forgotten my birthday more than once. I laugh because that's funny, right? I laugh because what else am I going to do? "Remember when you forgot my birt...." I try to joke. "Don't go there," he warns. He means it.

I remember being so proud to be his daughter when I was much, much younger, but that feeling faded into something else entirely when I caught on to all the cheating and then it was smashed to smithereens once he walked out for good.

It's the biggest conflict of my entire life, how to reconcile the very, very good with the very, very bad. There have been plenty of both.

I don't blame him anymore for what he did all those years ago. What good would that do? But I have held out hope he would change, that he would stop doing it over and over again, year after year. I hoped he would get it, would see that his temper and jealousy has polluted every good relationship he has ever had. His temper has knocked so much over, left it broken on the floor. There was always so much wreckage left in the wake of his fury, wreckage I spent years sifting through. I'm done sifting now, and I've forgiven him, but, my god, I can't fight anymore. I'm too tired.

I'm struggling, fumbling, tripping over myself to figure out how to have a relationship with a parent as a parent. "We're both adults," he said to me recently. Yes, we are, I thought. But I'm still your daughter.

I write here knowing anyone could read, imagining everyone I know is, just to be sure I don't say anything to end friendships or make dinner parties especially awkward. He could find this space with one quick Google search. He could already be reading it. I'm fine if he is, if he has. I've said all this to him and then some. This is my therapy, this is how I heal, how I figure shit out, how I rise up out of the wreckage of all the broken dreams left shattered below. It's not what you'd do, I'm sure, but write through it is all I can do. Those who love me will allow me that.

There's been another fight, another long string of heartfelt, wounded emails, sleepless nights of thinking about what's best, what I need, what I want. I wonder if it'll ever end. I hope less these days.

One thing I used to say to Kyle when I was pregnant, when I'd be lounging, beached-whale-like, on the couch, was You don't have to give back, you never have to give back. I'm not having you for me. I'm having you for the world. I'm not made of steel, but I mean it. I don't have to be his first choice or his last call. He can prefer people over me and live a life apart from me. People have already gasped at how easily I hand my kid to anyone who wants him, how little it bothers me when someone else sees him roll over for the first time. God, I could never do that. I could never leave my kid! I don't know how you do it! I'm not heartless. I just love him enough not to pin my happiness on him. That's a heavy burden for him to carry, don't I know.

I've often felt my dad has done things for me in order to have something to sling at me when we're arguing. He wants to give, give, give, so he can remind, remind, remind. So I overcompensate. I tell Kyle as I rock him to sleep, Loving you is enough for me. You owe me nothing.

I try so hard to be different that I forget how much there is to love. My dad will hand money to any stranger in need, he'll take me to In N Out Burger whenever I visit, he raised me to accept all people for exactly who they are, regardless of their race or who they choose to have sex with. He's a good man with a good heart, and, yet, I can't remember if we've ever really had a good relationship.

I'm afraid we never will.

Comments

[Danielle-Lee]

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I know EXACTLY how you feel......my father gives to remind. He withholds and then acts like he never withheld. He raged and argued and then denied it ever happened.
I don't think you have to pin your happiness on your kids. I think you can love them so much it hurts, but it doesn't have to hurt THEM.
Thank you for sharing...I've been writing a post about my father for a long time, soon to be posted.

[priscilla]

wow. i'm totally impressed with this - "loving you is enough for me. you owe me nothing." and "i just love him enough not to pin my happiness on him." such strong and mature words. i admire you for feeling them and writing them.

i don't know what to say to you about your dad. but i think you have processed it all really well. and that is worth something.

[Laurie]

It is SO hard to be a grown-up and feel like your parents aren't actually as grown up as you. They don't, well, okay, mine don't and it sounds like your dad doesn't, understand that being a parent isn't a job you get to quit the minute your kid turns 18 or 21. And it really sucks to have parents that you are never going to have that amazing grown up relationship with that some people seem to have. I am there with you - although you seem to be less bitter about it than me!

[barbetti]

From someone who has a very similar relationship with her father, I completely understand where you're coming from and how hard this is to say. This is not how it should be. And becoming a parent, becoming Dublin's mom, has only emphasized how messed up my relationship with my own father is.

Kudos to you for realizing it can be better, that it should be better. It's a hard pill to swallow. I'm sorry you know how this feels, but it makes you an amazing mom and Kyle is all the more blessed.

[Steph!]

Thank you for being honest, and for allowing us to 'hear' your heart.

My dad always tells me, "hurting people HURT people". Knowing that someone is acting out of their brokenness, while still unacceptable, allows me to release the hurt and move on. Mainly because, I don't want to be like them...

[elizabeth]

i understand. this might be one of the best posts you've ever written because it is SO HONEST. thanks for being comfortable enough with how you feel to write about it.
i love how your relationship with your dad has taught you to handle your relationship with your own child...you're the parent, and YOU set the standard.
sometimes i feel like i had teach my parents what being a good parent means/looks like. I do realize that parents don't have all the answers and they're still growing as people just as i am, but they are still the parent. it's hard, but it's good that you will be a better mom because of it.

[Courtney]

I just love you. I am proud of you, honored to call you my friend.

[ilinap]

Oh, this hurts to even read this because it touches every bone of my being. Your words could easily be mine.

[Dianna]

I am lucky enough to have a good relationship with my father so am not able to tell you I know what you're going through. But, I can tell you this: Kyle is one very lucky little boy to have a mother who loves and cares about him as much as you do. You are going to give him an amazing life, Jennie, and I'll be you that there won't be anyone he prefers over you.

[the new girl]

This is an incredible piece of writing, really. I read it twice. I imagine that there are so, so, SO many people who can and will relate to this.

[Sarah]

I agree with Elizabeth - this is one of the best posts you've ever written. Isn't it funny that our best writing comes when we talk about the really painful things, with the really raw emotions? Hope you're finding some comfort having just gotten it out there. Thanks for letting us in.

[Kristie]

Sweetheart, it breaks my heart that your dad doesn't realize what a fantastic daughter he has. He's a lucky father and doesn't seem to know it.

If you need to talk you know I'm only a phone call away it a short car ride away. Love to you.

[Rebecca]

I understand.

[Angela]

I certainly hope you don't delete this one. It's the real deal, and it will help so many.

This is something a lot of us are struggling with I think. Once you have your own kids especially, it's hard to understand some of the choices your parents made.

I faced the decision a long time ago that I had two choices with my father. I could have a shallow relationship with him (where we talk about meaningless stuff and no feelings) or I could have no relationship with him. Because he just isn't capable of having a real relationship, one that I would consider real anyway.

I chose the shallow relationship. And honestly it causes me a lot of heartache. Now that I have a child, his only blood related grandchild, I'm glad I did. Nicky's able to have some sort of contact with his maternal grandfather. And my dad has mellowed some in his older years. But it will never be the kind of relationship I wanted.

And here's the kicker for me: is it even fair of me to expect that from him?

Sorry so long, but I can't write this stuff on my blog because my dad might someday actually read it. (In my dreams I'm sure.)

[cindy w]

Sigh. The specifics are different, but there's a lot of this post that I could've written verbatim. With my mom, everything is totally easy & we have a great relationship. In fact, I knew I'd be a good mother because of my mom; all I have to do is repeat what she did, and I'll be fine. But my dad... God. I've written so many posts about my dad and I've never once had the balls to hit "publish" on any of them. So, I think what I'm saying is: I get it. And I'm sorry.

[jodifur]

your braver than I. Because I am in the same place, but I can't write about it, and you are so in a better place than I.

I just wish it all wasn't so hard.

[jdg]

that was beautiful.

I particularly liked this: "I just love him enough not to pin my happiness on him. That's a heavy burden for him to carry."

[Pocklock]

"I just love him enough not to pin my happiness on him. That's a heavy burden for him to carry."

Most likely the best, most sincere, and honest line I've read in a REALLY long time.

Thank you for saying it. I've only been bold enough to *think* it.

[Natalie]

Just look how far you've come without him.....

[Elizabeth]

Oh, Jennie, I cried when I read this.
It is so similar to my situation with my dad, except I've given up. I have to protect my heart, I guess. I admire so much that you are still trying with your dad.
I look at Eli and I live in terror that things won't be different ENOUGH. But at least I am clear - I am the parent, he is the child. He doesn't owe me anything. Thank you for the reminder.

[Steff]

Wow...I can pick out certain statements and apply them to my relationship with my Mother. This very thought provoking.

[TUWABVB]

I'm so sorry, but from what I have read, you are nothing like your dad. You continue to amaze me all the time with your innate instincts of motherhood - I'm sorry you had to experience this, but I have to believe that perhaps it has made you the amazing woman, wife, mother and friend that you are today. Either way, I'm thinking of you and hope that you find peace - even though it seems like you already have. ((Hugs))

[Bobbi Janay]

I hear you.

[Angella Dykstra]

Oh, sweetie. I hear you on this, on so many levels.

With my Dad, it's only surface. He's incapable of doing any more, and once I got to the point where I accepted it, it's been better.

Ideal, no. Drama-free? Yes.

Hope things get better for you two soon.

[Stephanie]

I haven't commented in a long time. Doesn't mean I haven't been reading. I'm not sure what it is that makes me comment after a post like this. Maybe that I don't forgive my father and marvel that you do. Realize that you are a bigger person than I because you do.

And one more thing, to Natalie, your post made me tear up. Because you are SO right. And you are such a wonderful person for pointing it out.

[Rachel]

Thanks for sharing, and I know that must be tough to have a rocky relationship with a parent. I'm so grateful for my dad and mom both, and I couldn't imagine not having a strong relationship with either of them!

[Katie]

It always amazes me that people with obvious good qualities (like the ones you mentioned about your dad) have such heartbreaking flaws as well, ones that usually are devastating and hurtful to their loved ones. My sister is the same way and I always hope for change and a normal relationship, but I know deep down in my heart that it will probably never happen. This breaks my parent's hearts, and mine.

[Shelly]

Oh, this is fantastic. There are elements of my relationships with both my dad and my mom in what you describe. I know how you feel. But the way you look at things, the way you talk about "loving Kyle is enough", is revelatory for me. I think I have a similar philosophy, but haven't stated it that way. You're right, though, they don't have to give back at all.

[A.]

"I just love him enough not to pin my happiness on him. That's a heavy burden for him to carry."

I wish more parents had this sense. How very mature and realistic of you. Kyle will grow up well-adjusted and a good man. Plus, you'll be happier in the long run, too.

Thanks for this. I'm going to remember the things you said here for the future.

[Kristabella]

What a great post, Jennie! I know how hard it must have been to write. I completely understand and I'm in awe that you're a much better person than I am and you can forgive your father. I wish I could. I'm getting better, but I think part of me will always hate him.

This line - "I just love him enough not to pin my happiness on him. That's a heavy burden for him to carry" is so true. And that is why you're a great mom and why Kyle will grow up to be a good man and an excellent father himself.

[Ariel]

One of the most healing things I've ever done for myself was cut off communication with my father. My father was like yours... Worse, in some ways, better in others probably:) Once I stopped seeing him I realized how unhealthy our relationship had been, how his treatment of me had led me to expect certain unhealthy things from relationships with men- I married my father in different incarnations TWICE before I was 22. Not seeing him completely changed how I look at the world and myself. I don't consider it a coincidence that once I stopped seeing him I became emotionally healthy for the first time in my life. I stopped seeing him to protect my daughter from his hurt, but by protecting her I learned to protect me too.
Now I'm happily married with NO DRAMA in my life.
I miss the good parts of my dad. It's just the bad so far outweighed the good. I don't miss the abuse, the manipulation, the lies gah! I'm getting angry just thinking about him.
Its complicated, I know.

[Erin @ Fierce Beagle]

You are a wonderful mother.

[Jess]

I'm so sorry you have to struggle with this with your dad. But what you say about not expecting your child to give back is so important. I watch Torsten's parents with him and I see that they expect him to be grateful for everything they've ever done, real or imagined. They are angry because they don't perceive him as being grateful enough. And that makes me so sad. You have children because you want them, not because they want you to have them. Child-rearing is a pay it forward kind of thing. It is not for your children to spend all their time bowing to their parents and thanking them for all they have done.

[Stevie]

Wow. I have these exact thoughts and feelings toward my own dad on an almost daily basis. I have accepted that we will never have a close relationship and most of the time I'm ok with that, but there are those days when I wish things were different.

Thank you for your post.

[Belly Girl]

Wow. Amazing post. Interesting how many of us have such tenuous relationships with our parents. The lines that got me the most:

You don't have to give back, you never have to give back. I'm not having you for me. I'm having you for the world.

and also...

Loving you is enough for me. You owe me nothing.

Very very powerful. Seriously, wow.

[sizzle]

This post really resonates with me. I can remember a time when my Dad and I did have a good relationship. It was great! And then it was the farthest thing from great. And then he died.

I think it's pretty amazing that you can love your son that way. I especially liked this: "I just love him enough not to pin my happiness on him. That's a heavy burden for him to carry."

I hope you find peace with this.

[Mandee]

First of all, I'm sorry. It sucks.

Second of all, Yes! Yes! Yes! I remind my sister all the time that she cannot put the burden of her happiness on my 4 year old nephew. There is absolutely nothing fair about that.

I hope you're wrong, too.

[La Petite Belle]

awww I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have a similar situation with my mother. But I do have to argue one point- just because someone doesn't hand their kid to anyone, it does not mean that that mother loves her kid for her- I am very apprehensive of my kids and don't trust them to almost anyone, and yet I love them just as much for them and want nothing back.

[NTE]

This post hit a lot of tender points for me, as far as relationships go. I wish I could get my heart around the concept of "loving you is enough for me": it would help with so many disappointments. I'm glad, though, that you were able to write this. I know it will help a lot of people

[Erin]

Beautifully written!

[Lauren Perry]

Wow...Jennie its like you and I have the same dad. My dad cheated on my mom and his current wife. He's a loser and its hard to be around people like that. I always keep up the faith that he will stop lying and be honest with himself not only for our relationship but he has an 8 year old to worry about and hopefully not screw up. My dad gave us no money for our recent wedding after he promised us 6,000 dollars which is no small thing but he wouldn't take my call because he said he didn't want to dissapoint me. He came to the wedding and it was the first time I spoke to him in 6 months. I let him walk me down the aisle even though I didn't want him to because I wasn't about to let our day be about him. I've not spoken to him since the wedding but still hope he'll change. When we have kids he will have to decide to be in or out of their lives because I won't have him do that to them. This made me feel better. I wish we had hung out more I think we are similar.