I always feel better by the end of posts like this one

I had a horrible week last week.

Mike got really sick, so we sent Kyle to stay with his grandparents for two days to keep the germs far away from his adorable immune system. He loves his grandparents, and he was fine, didn't bat an eye, but when I called to check in his second night away, I couldn't stop crying. I'm his mother! I'm supposed to be able to protect him from everything! I should be stronger than a virus! And I missed him, too!

I drove over to their house to spend just 15 minutes with him last Wednesday night before he collapsed in the crib he has over there. My in-laws live about an hour and a half from where I work. I still had to go home after that and tend to my husband and make dinner and clean and then spend two hours on the computer working on Style Lush stuff.

I left feeling raw, tired, stretched thin, empty. I don't like leaving my son places, and no matter how right it is, that lonely walk to the car punches me in the gut every single time. It's why I hate doing the day care drop-off. Because of that five-second walk to the car.

This was all before I got an e-mail from a woman I loosely work with that basically said, "I don't think you can handle being a working mother. You should re-think things. For everyone's sake."

I broke down in a way I haven't since Kyle was first born when I threw a water bottle so hard across the house, the lid flew off. I was angry this woman would even imply what she was implying -- that I'm incapable of handling the responsibilities that are very much mine, but I was angrier still that my fears -- that I'm failing across the board -- were articulated and realized by someone other than the voice inside my head.

It's not that I don't get intense joy out of the things I do in my life -- I love my day job, I love my family, I love my side projects, I love making Kyle's bottle every morning at 6:30 a.m. and watching him FREAK THE HELL OUT because breakfast! breakfast! OMG! I'm so excited! Gimme! Gimme! I love life! Still, It's very easy to lose my footing every now and then, and it's also very easy to be caught off guard and hurt when some woman who has never actually met me in the flesh flippantly decides I suck at it all.

More than all that, why did I -- for a brief, insecure instant -- believe her?

I continually wonder when I'm going to feel like I have this whole adult thing down. When does life feel like a routine and not a crazed acid trip? How does one become more grounded and confident as more and more people judge and question? It's tough, yo. No way around that.

As a mother you're built up, torn down, exhausted, vulnerable, exposed and the dishes still need to be done every single night. No one sends you flowers for just getting your shit done even though it feels like a damn feat every time you do. I made it another day and everything got finished, cleaned, figured out and everyone got fed. WHERE IS MY PARADE?

We're all doing it, so that would be a lot of fucking parades, but I still feel like I've earned one. With fireworks, even.

I commute. I think I've mentioned that a time or 2 million. When I pull into our beautiful, peaceful drive, Mike flings the door open, either holding Kyle or with Kyle on his shoulders, and they both break into a grin. Kyle starts kicking his legs and then there's Molly, zipping around my legs, knocking my purse off my shoulder. I kiss them all, each one, and Mike hands me our grinning boy, and he starts to tell me about his day, by saying, "da da da baaaaah da."

"I missed you, buddy. Are you ready for dinner?" 

I don't sit down for another hour or so because the night routine is mine, I won't give that up for anything in the world. I feed him, bathe him, change him, read to him, love on him and then put him to bed. This time of day -- the witching hour -- when so many moms feel rightfully frayed after an insane day of demands is my favorite time of day. I won't let Mike do it, as selfish as that sounds. It's mine. All mine. 

It's not a parade, but it's better. It's not a pat on the back, but it's perspective.

The rest of life can still blow, and my skin is so damn thin, I sometimes think it's translucent. This welcome-home time doesn't make the rest of it easy, it just makes the rest of it irrelevant for at least an hour every night. I don't know if I'll ever figure out how to feel confident and good at all the things I do, love, work at. At my core, I have some deep-rooted insecurity issues that are both unfortunate and normal. I don't know if I'll ever stop needing to write posts like this to talk myself off the metaphorical ledge. 

I do know that no matter how hard things were last week, this week was better, and that's just how it goes. Up, down, back, forth, grimy view, silver lining, bitchy stranger, beautiful son, so on and so on.

Seems like as good a time as any to get away for the weekend. Mike and I are heading to Vegas, to try and win big, so we can move our little family to St. John and be done with the rest of it all. Or, you know, win a little, so we can enjoy the fancy kind of vodka when life gets as life sometimes gets.

Comments

[Steph]

My jaw literally dropped when I read what that woman said to you! that's insane!

One of the partners at my work said she was surprised at how much harder on her the other working mothers were, compared to the men. You would think that working moms would sympathize and uplift one another when in reality it's quite the opposite. That was very mean of her; you're a great mom! It may be hard at times, but you're doing great!

[Kristabella]

Fuck that woman! Seriously! For so many reasons, but most of all, SHE HAS NO CLUE! She hasn't lived your life for one minute, let alone one day, so she doesn't get to judge. She's just a rude, tactless person! God, I hate people that judge like that.

You're doing a FINE job! The fact that everyone is so excited to see you when you get home means you're doing it just right.

You're not going to Vegas for that Blog World conference are you? If not, how funny that you're going to Vegas the same weekend there's going to be thousands of bloggers? :)

HAVE A GREAT TRIP!

[K]

That email made my blood boil too so I can only imagine how it made you feel. Some nerve!

[She Likes Purple]

I'm actually going for Mike's birthday, but apparently I'm just drawn to bloggers. Mike is going to think I had ulterior motives. Ha.

[Mom]

I don't know why we allow other people's opinion of us tear us apart the way we do. She doesn't know anything about you or your life, so what makes her such an expert? It is times like that when we should tell them what we think of them,and then feel good about ourselves. I doubt seriously that she "walks on water". In the big picture, she does not matter.

[Jess]

I am so sorry that this woman saw fit to say such a rude, cruel, inappropriate, and most of all inaccurate thing to you. Not that it will help, but I always find that when people say things like that, it reflects on them, not you. She is probably questioning herself and her own priorities and is reflecting that outward on you. I'm sorry you ended up being a target of that.

[Meghan]

Sometimes I just want to slap people... seriously! Makes me so mad. I have had mean comments from people about being a stay at home mom. Seems like we don't do things right either way we choose! Can't wait to see you in a few weeks!

[Carrie]

I'm so sorry that you had to put up with such a stupid person. She had no right to sway something like that to you. I'm glad this week is going better and I'm really really glad that you're getting a break! Hurray!

Big internet hugs to you.

[Jane]

that woman sucks. you don't.

[Heather]

Wow. That woman is incredibly forward, incredibly direct, and incredibly INCORRECT. I think that you and Mike are AWESOME at the working parent thing. Your son is HAPPY. You hear me? HAPPY. There's no way he would be happy if you two weren't happy. Sure, you're probably tired at times, but who isn't? It's OBVIOUS how much you love your family and how committed you are to striking the balance---and you're doing it. That woman is just JEALOUS that she doesn't have it all, like you do. I don't see anything that you have failed at, and I am pretty sure that Mike, Kyle and Molly would agree. Tell that woman to eff off!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and have a HELLUVA time in Vegas. Mmmmmmm...Vegas. OXOXOXOX

[slynnro]

Um. Wow. That is awful. Like Kristin said, Fuck that woman. Seriously.

[Chelle]

I never cease to be amazed at the assholery of some people. Keep your head up, keep doing what you are doing and be grateful that you aren't a mean-spirited, judgemental, irritating and loathsome person like the woman who made that comment to you.

[A'Dell]

So, your resume? Will be in my inbox soon, yes?

I'm always surprised at the things other people feel they can say out loud or, even worse, in PRINT. What a freaking moron she is. I'd report her ass to HR immediately.

[jodifur]

As a fellow working mom (although I work part-time), I'll tell you this, some days are hard, some days are easy, and you constantly re-evaluate. Right now my job is way on the back burner while I tend to my sons very front burner needs. Some times it is flip floped. And that is ok. Never let anyone make you doubt you are doing what is best for your family. How dare that woman say that to you.

[TUWABVB]

I was shocked when I read what that woman said - but I was even more shocked when I read that she had never even met you. I hate that people feel they have the right to judge others like that. And I hate that we let it affect us (I do too, I'm not pointing fingers). We do the best we can - and know in the end that's all we can do. I'm not winning any prizes over here, but I haven't killed anyone either. And for the record, I think you are doing a bang-up job. Those are the only opinions that matter from people that have never met you. :)

Have a great time in Vegas and please give Maura a hug from me (since I missed the chance to meet her in NYC).

[amieable]

My favorite line is "continually wonder when I'm going to feel like I have this whole adult thing down. When does life feel like a routine and not a crazed acid trip?"

I am even older than you WITHOUT a child and I am tired of the constant acid trip.

[Anna]

I can't believe that woman would say anything to you at all about your life choices. Completely insane. And wrong, by the way. At least as far as I can see from here, you are doing a fabulous job.

[Seriously, Jess]

Putting that lady's BS aside (and she is full of BS, by the way), I really liked what you wrote about how we do all this hard work and sometimes stop and wonder where's the parade?

You hit the nail on the head. It can be hard to not feel resentful while you're neck-deep in dishes or laundry, no matter how wonderful and helpful your husband can be.

And you summed it up perfectly when you said we need to FIND OUR PARADES in the little things - like special snuggles with the kids or for me another biggie is taking pride in a job well done.

I also feel like when you have all the balls up in the air, it's not hard for someone/thing to come along, rattle you, and make something drop. I think that's par for the course when you have so much responsibility.

In the end, it's not what people say about us that defines us. It's what we do and how we handle life's challenges.

I'm sure you're doing great. Your boy's adorable, sounds like you have a great relationship with your hubby (loved the solicited marriage advice post) and you appear to be a genuinely upbeat, happy person.

Dust yourself off and show that b---- that she's wrong.

[A.]

Beautiful post. Very lovely.

And I officially hate that woman.

[Rachel]

I can't believe that lady had the nerve to say something like that to you or email you something like that. I think that is so wrong and unbelievable that she would have the nerve to do so. From what I can tell, you are an awesome mother and working mother at that, and I think you should be so proud!

[Shelly]

Sorry about your shitty week. I'm in awe of your work/amazing mother abilities.

My boyfriends parents just got back from Vegas and said they are practically GIVING away stuff. 75% off sales everywhere...maybe some therapeutic shopping is in order? :)I heard Caesar's Palace is the place to be...

[AmyB]

What a misguided, thoughtless bitch!! I'm so sorry you were the source of her target, but I'm also glad you shared this tale with us. I read this and was completely shocked because as a devoted reader of this beautiful place on the Internet, I have to assume she knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about you and probably even less about herself. That's her problem.

You blow me away with your honest ability to admit and share when things aren't perfect or easy. That's the fastest way to get past those icky times, and also the only way to learn from the experience so the next time doesn't suck quite so much. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: you are making my future as a mother easier, just by sharing your journey. Thank you for that. I hope this weekend serves as the recharge you need!

OH, also - I loooove the Style Lush site! Nice work, lady!

[Kerri Anne]

The best part about ridiculous, unmerited, RUDE emails? DELETING THEM.

You are doing more than just surviving your current slew of responsibilities, babe. You are THRIVING.

xo

[ali]

I LOVE having a delete button...even though it doesn't take away the sting...some people just need a good punch in the throat. boo!

[Bobbi Janay]

The lady that sent that email must not be a mother, that are she is heartless. Enjoy Vegas.

[Erin]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I would have taken that opportunity to heartlessly and eloquently psychoanalyze that stranger who, incredibly, felt it was her place to tell you that you suck—and she used the worst ammo possible, the mom angle.

When I first started out my career, I wrote the wedding and birth and anniversary announcements for our local paper. I met some lovely people, and some douches. One such douche literally blamed me for ruining his parents' 50th anniversary (which I didn't), but by the end of our exchange, I had him apologizing. I think I started with something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you feel the need to be rude to me, but..." and explained what went wrong.

I'll let you keep that one in the vault for next time. "I'm sorry you feel the need to be a passive-aggressive bitch, but..."

[Sarah]

Ugh, I hate people sometimes. What a cunt-rag!

So I never got to properly thank you for the Amazon gift card. While I wish I could say I've been busy with moving and looking for a job, I've just really been watching a lot of Food Network.

Anyway, THANK YOU! I have never won anything off an internet contest before! I'm sure you put all the comments into some sort of random number generator thing, but I like to think my crush on Denis Leary had some effect.

P.S. I'm a total 'tard and should have invited myself to The Blathering, but I didn't and now I regret it. Next year!

[hillary]

I hope you have a fabulous time in Vegas!

[Ellen]

This post is so well written and really resonated with me...thanks for writing it!

[Swistle]

Oh, what a sucktastic email to get, and what sucktastic timing for it.

I think it's totally natural to have a fleeting moment of wondering if it's true that has nothing at all to do with the likelihood of it actually being true. Like, do you ever wonder if you're actually in a retirement home, riddled with dementia and just IMAGINING you're back in your youth? And if you don't, uh, ME NEITHER. But what I mean is that it seems normal to wonder if we just THINK we're doing well but actually everyone else can see it from an objective perspective and is whispering behind our backs about how badly we're screwing everything up.

Or maybe "normal" is the wrong word for it, but "typical" or "common" works.