Reposting

I started this blog YEARS ago (two years ago is technically years ago, right?), and when I recently re-read this post -- this post NO ONE, NOT EVEN MY OWN MOTHER commented on -- I thought, oh, it's a wonder anyone ever stuck around.

I wrote this a little over a month before I married the man I'm still married to. The man I had a baby with and bought a house with and FUNNY STORY: when I wrote this, we only had one DVR but we constantly fought over that one DVR and he didn't understand the importance of THAT MANY OPRAH EPISODES and, fuck, I'm starting to see his point, but wouldn't you know, two-plus years later, we now have two DVRs and that's not THE reason we're still married but, my god, it doesn't hurt.

Re-posting, for everyone who hasn't read it yet. So, everyone.

**

I’ve asked several people throughout the last few months for marital advice; advice to get us started on this life-long adventure we’re about to begin, or as I like to call it, the road that will eventually lead to the end of my shoe collection as I know it. I’ve heard lots of good nuggets of wisdom, things I’ll never forget. Things such as: Always be nice and Never call each other names. (This seemingly obvious piece of advice is actually impossible for anyone to adhere to who has ever met Mike. Because if you do know him you know there are such circumstances when “giant Nova-watching loser” is truly the nicest thing you can say to him.) But, hearing all of this advice, I got to thinking. What if someone asked me for relationship advice? What would I offer up? (For your sake, don’t be the person to ask this of me, because the quickest way to run your most-likely normal relationship into the ground is to do as we do, which includes lots of karate chopping and grocery-store behavior that can only be described as completely out of control.)

Here, in my opinion, is how to achieve a totally fabulous relationship:

• The only thing better for a relationship than TiVo is multiple TiVos.
• Get a pet and make fun of it as often as possible. Dress it up, teach it ridiculous commands like move a little to the left and if you’re as good as Mike and I, make it scared of any object you point directly at it. Nothing bonds a couple more than torturing a pet together.
• Make your own traditions. Eat pizza every anniversary, date night every Friday. Not so much for the romance of it all but because it's harder to forget something you do every seven days. Not impossible, mind you. Just harder.
• If you find yourself staring at a pile of dishes that your guy has walked by 178 times without rinsing or cleaning or even moving, remind yourself of the guy in college who made out with you for an hour before asking if you thought he stood a chance with your roommate. Sure, your guy may not realize you own dish-washing detergent, but he picked you, which means he’s got excellent taste even if such taste is accompanied by a poor sense of observation.
• Two words: separate closets.
• Remember that you need your friends. And they need you. And, even though it’s a bit hard to believe, he actually needs his friends, too. Even the friend who always sends him home $100 poorer and smelling like the inside of a smoker’s lung.
• Tell him, often, how funny he is, and when he responds with, “Oh, I know,” roll your eyes only after he’s no longer looking at you.
• Take a trip with him as soon as possible in the relationship. Nothing shows a man’s character better than how he responds to the Southwest ticket agent telling him he has to pay $50 because his girlfriend’s “shoe suitcase” is over the maximum allotted weight.
• Try not to criticize his driving. And when he gets pulled over for his “stellar automotive maneuvering skills” try to resist saying to the cop, “Oh, I’m with you on this one.”
• Don’t worry if the closest thing you have to a “song” is Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing."
• Thank him for spending his entire Sunday night trying to save the life of your fish. The fish you named Frankie. The fish that was worth $30 (meaning, quite replaceable), but the fish whose imminent death brought you to tears, so he said, sincerely, "I'll do what I can, baby."
• And, in all seriousness, don't take yourselves too seriously, laugh whenever possible, surprise him, don't keep score, remember that nothing is more precious than the commitment you made to each other, and always, always hide the shopping bags until he's just drunk enough not to care about the $150 you spent at Target.

**

Obviously, I'm a relationship GENIUS since we're STILL together and STILL happy and only fight when it really, really matters.

Or when it really, really matters TO ME.

Comments

[Alicia Vosburg]

I agree with every single one of these... Thanks for writing you blog it has kept me connected to y'all and the real world since I started working overnights!

[Rachel]

I agree with these too...they are great, and always good to remember! :)

[Mom]

You know a lot more about relationships than I do. You're the one to give advice, not me. Love, Mom

[Erin]

When we were in college, he came up to Chicago to visit my family with me. When we were driving back to school (in Nashville), I...got us a little lost. As in, I knew we were way off course when we passed the St. Louis arch. But he didn't get angry.

Now, after 5 years of marriage, we would definitely fight about that.

[Heather]

You shouldn't have to hide shopping bags, sweetie! Just pull the clothes out, and hang them in the closet...and then wait a bit to wear them. And when he says, "When did you get that?" you can say, "This? I've had this a WHILE." It's easy...and remember, it could be worse. Mike could watch "Monster Quest". Sigh.

[MO]

The last one is the best:)

[Angella]

Perfect. (And I love that your Mom commented on this one.)

[barbetti]

Steve and I sing "Don't Stop Believin'" like it's OUR song, and really, we never established another one.

I basically agree with all of these, especially after this morning when I went through my DVR and saw that Steve had stopped recording The Hills and The City 2-3 minutes in. And recorded some stupid Discovery channel thing that I know he'll NEVER watch.

[Holley]

Love it

[Jen L.]

Great list and very true! After 11 years together, I"m still trying to teach my husband the "Your crap stays on your side of the bathroom sink" rule. Nothing ruins my morning like finding his beard trimmer, toenail clippers (gag!) and the lid to his shaving cream among my neatly lined-up toiletries.

[TUWABVB]

This is some of the best and most realistic advice I've ever read.

My love for my husband doubled when he saw the remote-controlled car at the same time I did at Frye's we knew we had to buy it just to tease our dogs.