An idea of mine

Will I ever shut up about my 2010 goals? Maybe. Come 2011. It helps keep me on track and since I'm a Capricorn, crossing things off a to-do list gives me a ridiculous amount of joy. Anyway, #3 on my list is this: "Take a few steps in the right direction of starting an organization that provides resources, encouragement and support to new moms."

I've been pretty open about how tough the first two months of motherhood were for me. That's because it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a tough adjustment, and although some women take to it easily and with much grace, without needing to cry every day for two weeks (ahem), others fumble and need a little extra help (not to mention, are slammed with more hormones than a 13-year-old boy). If you had a lovely go of it, that's phenomenal, but that should motivate you to help any moms you know who are struggling. So many new moms don't ask for the help they need (case in point: me) because they feel they're failing and no one likes admitting failure, especially when that admission could make some question their love for their child. What's worse, some naysayers go there and connect those dots and make those accusations, and scar those moms for life. (Stop that, if you've done it.) There's this sad, almost cruel competition constantly brewing among mothers, and it goes a little something like this: if you're sad or frustrated or overwhelmed or anxious you're doing it wrong and you're not as good as I am.

And that's bullshit.

My own mother said something to me once, and it's stuck: "Moms should be most kind to other moms because we all know how hard it can be."

Word.

When I was home on maternity leave, an old friend brought me dinner one night. I kept trying to avoid her visit because the thought of entertaining or taking a shower or even smiling exhausted me even more than I already was. I was already pretty fucking exhausted. But she came by and quickly dropped off dinner, told me I looked great, oohed and ahhed over Kyle and then headed home. It was one of the kindest gestures anyone made during that time. Someone I don't get to see often made it a point to do something nice for me because she cared and didn't ask for anything in return, not even an in-depth conversation. It was so selfless. 

I'll never forget it.

One thing my experience in general and that gesture specifically inspired in me was the need for more resources and support (cooking meals, cleaning kitchens, allowing naps, a sounding board, grocery shopping, etc) for new moms. It's something I've thought about off and on for nearly a year, and something I hope to continue thinking about, at the very least within my own circle of friends and family. I want to ask new moms more often, "What can I do for you? How can I help you? Do you need to take a nap? Do you need bread or milk or dinner tonight? Do you need your floors cleaned? What do you need and let me make it happen for you?"

I'd encourage you to ask the same questions. It's so fun giving baby gifts, the little dresses and jeans and hats. It's one of my favorite things to do, admittedly, but I've found that when the baby comes home, moms need connection and comfort and people who understand it can be difficult to adjust to life with a baby more than they need cute clothes and blankets. Somehow, we spend nine months getting pastel-wrapped gifts and the next few months looking at a tower of dishes and empty hours with no one to help fill them. 

I was so lucky that at two months, Kyle's colic faded, we found a good routine and life became beautiful. I wish a beautiful life for every mother I know but more than that, I think it's partly our responsibility to add color in the lives of other mothers whenever and however we can.

I don't know where this little idea of mine will take me, although I know not to rule anything out. Passion's an unstoppable and funny thing. I have these visions of countless new moms feeling taken care of and confident because they were helped, not judged, but a community of women.

I made #3 on my list something attainable, taking just a few steps in the right direction of seeing this crazy idea of mine through, even though right now I'm not even sure what the idea actually is. Hey, just writing out these thoughts is step one, I'd guess.

Just like that, I'm one step closer.

Comments

[Carrie]

You're right- being physically taken care of a bit is exactly what new moms need. I was blessed to have a great church family that provided tons of meals, and I loved it. I can't imagine life without that. And you're right, new moms need lots of other support too. Great idea!

[Elizabeth]

I think this idea is so fabulous. I so wish I could have been able to do more to help you in your bad times - somehow I think that maybe by helping moms in the future as part of something like this it will be my way of helping that Jennie back then.
One thing to think about - when someone says to me "What do you need?" I always say "Nothing." I am a big fan of not asking - but telling - just saying " I am bringing bread and milk and dinner to your house tonight and then I am cleaning your bathroom, and I won't take no for an answer." It is SO much easier for me to accept help when I feel like the "polite no" has been taken out of the equation.

[Kim]

I'd join (or whatever) if you started something! I think that's so so SO important, for other new moms to know that they aren't alone in their sleep-deprived state of confusion and adjustment. And yes, it's very easy to get caught up in the judgment game, so kudos to calling attention to that!

[HollyLynne]

Ooh, I know! You could fly to LA and make me dinner after Bean is born :) But really, this is such a great idea and (I'm sure) such a needed resource . . . I know you'll come up with a way to make it a reality this year!

[Jen]

Elizabeth is so right - the polite no needs to be taken out of the equation somehow. I know I said it WAY too often. I think I cried every day for a month, and I'm not kidding. The adjustment was so huge, my hormones were totally out of wack, and it was just a time unlike nothing I had ever experienced. Of course I was thrilled and in love with my new baby. But it's just...hard. I've tried to reach out to a few new moms that I know through FB because I just know I could have used someone to reach out to me once or twice. My sister-in-law did the best thing - she just showed up, held the baby, and told me to go take a nap. I swear I fell into the deepest sleep immediately.

I'd love to get involved in whatever you do, Jennie. I'm loving your list for 2010, and I think you'll accomplish a lot this year.

[Meghan]

In your words, I mean word---WORD!!! (Does that make any sense?)

[Jane]

Totally agree! Great idea! I am getting nervous as I near this 2nd birth, excited, but nervous, because I know the after is hard!

Super excited about this company that just started in MN (and provides services to my hospital)called Go Home Gorgeous. Just reading their website made me soooo much more aware of things that I need to do for myself, including finding someone who knows I will call them when I need it. And I totally agree with Elizabeth. I need someone who will tell me they are coming over and bringing food. . My sister-in-laws were the best last time. One forced me to take a bath while she was there each time, and the other would take Maria to the park with her children while I showered or did whatever I needed!

Sorry, for super long comment... but I think you have a great idea!

[Alex]

So true- excellent post/idea. With my first kid I lived in a different city and had no family nearby. My husband took a week off and then I was on my own with this wee little thing. I felt very alone. By the time my second kid was born we had moved to a different neighborhood with a crazy awesome supportive network of moms. Anytime a baby is born in our little neighborhood, an email with a list of meal dates goes out to all the other mamas and we all sign up to make meals for the new baby's family. After my boy was born, I literally didn't make a dinner for two months. The other moms just GET that help with anything is so huge. Dinner and a quick little visit really brighten up some of those exhausting days. Your idea of bringing support to new moms is wonderful and so, so needed.

[Katy]

I love big ideas and I love putting it out there. . . . I can't wait to see where this project takes you.

[Megan]

I love this project, Jennie. And anything I can do to help, count me in.

I SO agree with the "Polite No", omg, I do. I used it daily (still do, actually). I felt like I was admitting defeat/failure or something, I don't know. It's a hard thing to give in to.

[Drew]

I spoke to and saw only few people after giving birth. The people who could have actually helped and encouraged me were those who stayed away because I asked not to have too many visits. Instead we had visits and phone calls from those who didn't help one bit, those who had had easy babies, those who kept saying "I don't really remember, but you're probably right. It's tough now, but you will forget it in no time". I felt like a complete failure because I kept thinking it was way harder than I had ever expected. It took me three months to realise that not two babies are alike and that we had gotten one that needed to be gently introduced to the world.

[Jess]

This is an awesome idea and I'm going to work so hard on remembering this as I enter the phase of my life where friends start having babies.

Also, I know you had a really hard time at first, but can I just say that however challenging that experience was, it seems to have taught you that you really are a great mom? I see so many new moms freaking out about every little detail and worrying that they aren't good enough and their child is already behind schedule and what if they are damaging their kid for life and so forth. And while I'm sure every parent has these concerns to some extent, what I've felt very strongly from you for a long time is that you know that you're the best mom for Kyle, and it doesn't matter if other people have different parenting styles, because yours is what works for you and your family. And that is such a great sense to have for yourself, and seemingly so rare in relatively new parents.

[Becky]

I also think this is a fabulous idea, and that the "polite no" has to be taken out of the equation. I haven't had my little one yet, but I can already tell you that I will probably use it because I don't want to inconvenience people, even though I know logically that they actually WANT to help. Also, it prevents people who want to do things for you from doing them. Our neighbors recently had a baby, and we would ask them if they needed anything quite often (even offering specifics; can we bring dinner over for you? we are running to the grocery store anyway, is there anything you need? etc...), but they always said no. And the polite person in me didn't want to go against what they said, even though I have a feeling it was a "polite no." I mean, who can't use dinner once in a while?
Anyway, sorry for the long comment. I just wanted to add my support for the idea. :)

[kris]

Lovely, lovely, lovely idea. It breaks my heart to think of anyone feeling that overwhelmed, and at times that alone. After my father passed away, people would bring food and ring and run, knowing it was likely too much for us even to exchange niceties. I fondly remember every one of those dishes.

[Heather]

Man...I need to help out friends more, I really, really do. All those times I told Mike I would babysit? I meant it.

[Sarah]

I love reading your blog because you just get it. There really should be more people in the world like you. As a new mom, I think this sounds like a great idea. I'm lucky to have a great husband and supportive family but I sometimes find myself wishing there was another understanding, helpful hand out there - and one that won't take no for an answer.

[Vanessa]

I loved Megan's comment! I was always so shocked when women would give the "I don't remember" response to my questions like "How did you calm your baby?" Even worse, was "My baby didn't really cry." Both answers seemed so... false. But now that I'm out of the woods (mostly) and my 5 month old is crying a lot less (though we're still having bedtime issues) I realize that you have a tendency to re-write those first difficult months once they are over. I was so anxious to be done with the fussy stage that once it was over I stopped thinking about it... until I re-read my own blog entries that detailed my frustration and tiredness.

Jen's post has reminded me that even if I need to recall those days as rosier than they were for my own mental health, I need to keep the reality tucked away so I can pull it out as a reference for the benefit of my friends' mental health once they start having babies.

What I needed, and it seems like everyone else needed too, were helpers, NOT visitors. My Mom was with us for that first month and was a bulldog about making me rest, stay hydrated and heal. If it was one of the 20 minutes a day that I wasn't nursing, my Mom wanted me in bed or at least on the couch, with a glass of water nearby. I am so grateful for her help because she canceled out the well-meaning but oblivious family members who would stop by to see the baby and then inevitably end up needing dinner or lunch.

One of my best friends is due any day now and you've all inspired me to be less selfish about just wanting baby time and to instead focus on what I can do for her. Thanks!

[Marie Green]

I also really struggled as a new mom... of TWINS. I was so overwhelmed by them. Not helping was the "bad birth experience" that I endured, and that I now understand is a very COMMON occurrence. I too became passionate about helping women enter motherhood, and my passion led me to become a birth doula.

I thought it might be helpful to mention that there is such a thing as a Postpartum doula. You may already know this; I'm not sure how widely their practices are known. However, their purpose is to do just as you stated: provide emotional and physical support to new moms during those first weeks/months. They do anything from listen to mom talk to hold the fussy baby to dishes.