Perfect

One anti-silver lining of voracious blog reading is that you begin to measure your own life (or marriage or kid or insert any ol' noun here) against the lives (or marriages or kids or insert any ol' noun here) of others, and although this is normal, it's also dangerous because if you measure often enough, you're bound to come up short against someone.

At a pediatrician's appointment once, I mentioned Kyle wasn't sitting up yet, and I was a little worried about it. My doctor looked at me, confusedly, and said, "Worried? Who said he should be sitting up now?" I shrugged my shoulders, possibly mentioned Google, but what I really meant was Google READER because although I had no idea when the average baby sits up, I knew that so-and-so-blogger's baby sat up at four months old. And let me tell you, dear friends, this type of thinking is the first step toward Crazyville. Who does this? Other than INSANE people?

I've been walking around the house lately, fretting over Kyle not clapping, not saying "ball" clearly enough, not calling me "Mama" yet, not walking yet. Who knows when he'll hit these milestones. I do know, though, that measuring him against any other baby is the worst possible thing I can do for him, for us.

Someone super wise and someone I find myself turning to a lot these days as my parenting mentor recently said, "What would it really matter? It won't change how much you love him."

And then I cried.

Because it's true, and it's always been true. What I had to admit (to her, to myself) is that it's not MY feelings or even KYLE'S feelings I worry over (it's a happy, albeit messy, home most of the time). It's yours, theirs, everyone else's.

It's the quality I hate most about myself. The quality that sometimes takes my focus out of my own, love-filled home and puts it out there, onto what others think.

I don't know when Kyle will walk, talk, clap his hands. But, man, he's so much more than milestones. He's perfect. And if you don't agree, I'm going to quit giving a damn about you.

Comments

[Kim]

110% agree with this post! I too wrung my hands like crazy, and for what? To hold up my already perfect little boy to a developmental milestone checklist?? Crazy! But I think we all do it, to an extent. It's just a matter of how inclined you already are to stress/worry... and I was SO VERY already inclined! It takes time to chillax, but eventually it happens. :)

[Raven]

I too have the whole "worry about what everyone else thinks" thing but somehow, I never did about Sprog. He's the one place where I have been able to shut that out and just go with it.

My sister constantly asks me about Sprog's milestones to compare her child to and I always tell her that they aren't the same kid so it's not fair to compare them. If they are both healthy (relatively, Sprog was sickly when he was young but rarely an issue now where her child was the opposite) and happy, then that should be good enough.

[Cass]

ME TOO!!! Between still drinking a bottle and the not really saying things (like Mama) the Reader has me developing a bit of a complex. As my gramma said "chill the hell out". She's rather chill.

[Shelly]

YES!!! SO SO TRUE. What matters is you and your family. No one else.

[Jane]

doesn't matter! I get sooo sucked into it too. And it doesn't stop any time soon, I'm afraid!

P.S. LOVED American Wife... hope you are too!

[Angella]

Perfect post, Jennie.

Graham was a baby before I even knew what a blog was and I was (still am) just as guilty of comparing myself and my kids to others. He never crawled and I thought (and was told)(by my MOM, among others) that it was an essential skill.

Just before his first birthday he simply got up and started walking. As far as I can tell, he's pretty darn near perfect.

[Jess]

THIS. This attitude. YES. I'm working on this one myself. I think it's sort of related to my mantra that you mentioned about people's reactions being about them, not you.

[C @ Kid Things]

Every kid accomplishes things in his/her own time. That's what they always say anyway. While that's true, it doesn't help with the worry, though. I understand.

[Kristie]

Good for you! Some things just aren't in our control. Things will happen when they happen and if you stress about what people think you might miss the little things that are happening. He's perfect in every way!

[bessie.viola]

Oh, me too. ME TOO. I hate the milestone chart. It caused me more fretting in Madeline's first year than I'd care to admit. She didn't decide to walk until she was 15mos, and OH I worried about her. WORRIED, because all the OTHER blog kids were walking and wreaking havoc!

Your attitude is PERFECT. Kyle is perfect. He's got his own agenda that I'm sure he can't WAIT to reveal to you.

[rebecca]

Oh, it is so true. SO TRUE. And i totally hesitate to blog about things like, sure, carli takes steps, but she only says mummum and elmo, and only knows, like, 3 signs, and even though i want to think they are being used purposely, they are probably accidental. And sure, Violet was communicating all over the place at this age, but she didn't walk till she was almost 18 months, and she has slight sensory issues, and sometimes she won't let me hug her because she can't stand to be touched, and we go everywhere with a pair of headphones in case she gets overwhelmed and she needs to escape.
But they are my girls. My perfect, wonderful, lovely, amazing girls who don't need to be measured against anyone else's yardstick. So, YES. And Thank You, once again, for writing what I can't express.

[cindy w]

Oh yeah, I did this too. Often with other bloggers, but mostly with my cousin, who had a baby girl 4 months older than mine, and she hit every major milestone ridiculously early. It bothered me until I realized that on the whole, her kid is also way more "challenging" than mine.

And you know, there is a HUGE range of "normal" when it comes to baby milestones. They all get there eventually, on their own schedule. Kyle will do what he wants to do, when he's good & ready to do it.

P.S. I don't know about you, but I also did this comparison thing when I was pregnant. Like, "So-and-so felt their baby kick at 14 weeks. Why haven't I felt mine yet? What's wrong with my baaayyybeeeee?" Ugh. That is a HARD mental merry-go-round to get off.

[Elizabeth]

I think the world just conspires to make us crazy about our kids.
I can remember distinctly the moment I first realized one of my best friends lives was not as "perfect" as it appeared from the outside - even seemingly perfect people have problems. But now that I am a mom I feel like I have to learn this lesson all over again. Eli walked and talked A TEENY BIT late and I was way nervous, and it all turned out FINE in the end, just like everyone said it would. And then he didn't eat a lot and it did not turn out FINE, at least it didn't feel fine at the time, and that's when it got hard. Luckily the internet can make you crazy, but it can also save you - when things got tough, that's when you all got me through it. No matter what, Kyle is perfect, but if ever anything is not, we'll be here for you.

[Katy]

Here here! Mine, of course, meets milestones at his own pace, and really, I love him just the same. Yours is perfect just the way he is and when he's walking down the aisle at 23, no one will care whether or not he could clap at eleven months.

[Heather]

Your child is way to energetic and entertaining and ENTERTAINED for you to worry. He's so totally aware of everything going on around him, and he's full of so much personality. He just can't be bothered to clap, mama, when there's Molly to chase, and food to throw, and Jennifer Aniston thigh slits to look at. And people have ridiculous milestones...my grandfather asked my cousin one time why her baby wasn't eating beans yet (Yes, we're Mexican)...nevermind that Dominic was only THREE MONTHS OLD. I am babbling...you have the perfectest, most healthiest attitude. Your baby is perfect.

[Heather]

And I just realized that I typed "to" instead of "too". Ooops.

[kat]

I'm in agreement - it is so easy to read other posts and look forward to upcoming milestones and then FREAK OUT when you realize their child is younger than yours...;) I am guilty of it often. My son didn't walk until 15 months or so and I REALLY REALLY wish I hadn't spent so much time analyzing and stressing about it!

On the other hand, as a blogger, I must say I enjoy writing about what my own child is doing/saying for my own personal record. I often wonder while I am writing things specifically about his development if people thing I am being "braggy" if he meets a milestone before their child....

which is also a bit silly, yes?

[Marie Green]

Oh, man, it's so true that we all just want the WORLD to see our children and love our children like we do. And then we think that if our child is BRILLIANT, the world will see him and love him like we do.

But really, no one will ever see or love Kyle like you do. So you are soooo right. It doesn't matter.

(I have to admit though that I too fell victim of this when my twins were babies. I absolutely GLOATED when they hit milestones before my friends' babies and fell into despair when they didn't. I'm so disturbed by it now. However, I think- to some degree- it's human nature to compare.)

[Christina]

Oh, boy! I hear you- I was a mess about when Nate would walk because of a little girl we know who is 8 weeks younger who was just plowing thru the milestones and those parents are MAJOR BRAGGARS and always asking about Nate, I mean right down to what brand are his shoes- he didn't walk until he was 15 months, he didn't use a sippy cup until he was 15 months (not coincidentally, this was all within a week of taking him off the boob) Nate is perfect, Kyle is perfect! They all are in their own right- it is usually us who need to take a breath.

[little miss mel]

AMEN.

[april]

No kidding. And as someone whose child is nearly two (in three weeks) and talks like a 4-year old and decided yesterday to teach himself to do somersaults, all I can say is treasure the non-verbal, because I want to wring my own neck sometimes. :)

[Someone Being Me]

I do the same thing. One of the other bloggers I read has a baby who is 3 months younger than Tater and has been crawling since shortly before turning 6 months old. Tater has yet to successfully get on his hands and knees at 9 months old. I don't just do it with bloggers though I also do it with my friend's kids, my dental hygenist's baby, the babies at MDO. There will always be someone whose kid does something long before yours does. It drives me crazy. I just try to ignore it as much as possible and go by what my pediatrician says.

[-R-]

Also keep in mind that some bloggers lie (or at least exaggerate) about what their kids can do. I don't know if it's insecurity or what, but I've stopped reading a few blogs after finding out they lie like rugs.

[jonniker]

Oh Jennie, he's perfect. He's perfect! All kids are perfect in their own way, and they all develop and do things at their own pace. As I've said before, I think that none of this early milestone shit means anything down the road, and I hate that anyone looks at them as competitive benchmarks, rather than basic guidelines.

I think Dr. Sears is a little loony about a lot of things, but I love what he says about milestones: Enjoy the progression, don't stress about the timing.

You're perfect, too. The perfect mom for him. That is how it works.

xoxo

[Elsha]

I had an especially hard time not comparing my daughter with a friend's daughter because they're only a week apart. Even though I KNOW all kids are different I couldn't help reading her blog and thinking, oh my daughter isn't doing that, or already did that weeks ago. I think I've gotten better though.

[Candy]

Right ON!!!! I'm so sick to death of hearing my hubs say "so-and-so's kid is walking full time now!! she's two months younger!!" :puke: I don't care. He'll walk, run, jump, and all the other fun things when he damn well wants to. In the meantime, I get to enjoy kissing his adorable cheeks because he can't get too far away from me too terribly fast. Enjoy these days. They don't last forever. Sooner rather than later, they'll be little people with big opinions. Then big people.... see there, I need a tissue.

[Snarke]

I totally agree with everything about this post! I don't have kids to compare (yet, hopefully yet) but I do often find myself comparing MYSELF against the bloggers I read, particularly those who are my age. Last year something like four of the bloggers I read religiously were all pregnant at the same time and all I could think was "I'm being left behiiiiiiiind!" Nevermind that I have never had a single in person conversation or direct conversation with any of them. I suddenly felt like the Mommy train was leaving without me and what would people think if I didn't catch up?

So...yeah. I get it :) And it's true. The milestones are no reflection on how much love you have for your kids... and even thinking about the profundity of that makes me reach for the Puffs (because Puffs have a potion!)

[sensibly Sassy]

But he waves, he WAVES!
He is just the cutest little dumpling on his own little timeline, he wants to keep everyone guessing. Very Jonny Depp of him already.

[Kristabella]

GAH! So true! Especially with parents/kids. They were JUST talking about this on the radio this morning. And I swear, some people do it on purpose to make themselves feel better. Which is THEIR issue, not YOURS.

Kyle is awesome! And EVERY child is different. He'll do what he does in his own time.

How can anyone not think he is awesome? HAVE YOU SEEN HIM IN HIS BACON SHIRT?

[Jen L.]

I freak out like that all the time, mostly about language development. I worried about Dean not making sentences by the time he turned 2 because two of my blog friends' kids had just turned 2 and could say 4 and 5 word sentences! Of course, in true Dean form, he did it in his own time. He said his first 3 word sentence a week after his 2nd birthday. Know what I did? Cried, because OMG, my baby boy is growing up!
We all do it and it's totally ok.

[Kerri Anne]

Of course! he's perfect. And he's YOURS, which means no one else should be worried about your son and how and when he's doing x,y,z. That's your job, and you do it perfectly.

xoxo