Happy birthday, KC

Dear Son,

I haven't written much about the day you were born, and there is one, simple reason for this: sometimes trying to use words to describe something indescribable is silly. I'll never forget that day, ever ever ever, and it's the one day of my life I'm not worried about documenting because it just takes one moment to bring me right back there. That day was one year ago exactly, and it was one of the two best days of my life. The other? The day I put on a big dress, drank too much and took your dad's (and your!) last name.

This entire year, through milestones and sleepless nights and exhaustion and all those germs (seriously, when will that stellar immune system of yours kick in?), there has been one constant thread of thought for me and that's been that I can't possibly deserve a boy such as you. You prove the humbling fact that sometimes our realities exceed our dreams because on the best and brightest day before you, I could never have imagined you. You blow every dream I ever had so far out of the water, I now forgo daydreams and just look at pictures of you instead.

I recently re-read some of the emails I wrote you this year and one of them said, "sometimes I think your dad has been waiting his whole life to talk to you." I don't remember writing that, but I'm so glad I did as that seems to be the best way to say what your dad and I constantly feel, that we've been waiting our whole lives to talk to you and play with you and know you. We had it good before, and we still miss all those mornings we used to sleep till noon, but how did we make it so long without you? I'm sometimes dumbfounded because, my oh my, you're so much fun.

I regret some things from the past year and most of those regrets come in the shape of how I fell short of being the mom you deserve. My brow was furrowed a lot, my voice was raised too often, my muscles tense and wound up and I probably said "no" to you 85 kajillion times. More than anything else in this great, wide world I want for you, I want you to enjoy your life. I want you to be happy, to have loads and loads of fun, to be a kid for as long as possible. There has never been a greater reason in this world for me to lighten the hell up than you. You make me want to forget the laundry and play with a soccer ball for an hour straight. You remind me that schedules are good, but going to the park on a whim is better. Responsibility and paying our bills in a timely fashion and grocery shopping are all important, but making vroom-vroom! noises and laughing really loudly and eating dessert first, well those things are necessary.

I wanted you to be a boy. Have I ever told you that? There's this weird unspoken rule that women want girls and men want boys but, no no, not me, Kyle. I wanted a truck-loving, rolling-in-the-dirt, smelly boy. For a lot of hard-to-articulate reasons but mostly because I knew I needed you to breathe life back into me. I take things too seriously and I knew, in my bones, that I needed you to help me loosen up, forget all those crazy rules and just smear pears on my face every once in a while. You are my boy, my guy, my man. I knew it was going to be you.

I made this video for you (fine, for me too) and included one song I will print out and frame and hang on your wall until you are a surly teenager who could care less his mother loves him, who will roll his eyes and take it down and sneak out the house and think up new and creative ways to piss me off. Even then, I will say these words in my head (while thinking of new and creative ways to ground you) because if there's only one thing you should know, Kyle, it's this: you'll never have to do a thing to earn my love. It's an unchangeable part of who you are, like your brown eyes. You'll doubt that love a lot, especially when I won't let you do something you really, really want to do, like act stupid. But, no matter what, I love you I love you I love you.

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Untitled from shelikespurple on Vimeo.

Happy birthday, buds.

Love,

Your Mama

Comments

[Camels & Chocolate]

OH. EM. GEE. Enough with the tears and sentimentality! That was the best video ever! Sigh. I can go to bed to sweet dreams now.

[Vos]

I am crying crocodile tears at 3 in the morning at work.....seriously my favorite kid in the world.

[jodifur]

Happy B-day Kyle. They say Every baby chooses their mom, and you choose a great one!

[Jen L.]

Happy birthday, Kyle, and congrats to mommy and daddy! Boys ROCK.

[jonniker]

Oh MAN. Happy birthday, little dude. Happy, happy birthday. You are so loved.

[pickles & dimes]

What a great video. Kyle is such a sweetheart. My favorite part was when he was throwing his blanket back at you. So cute!

[Gaby]

Happy Birthday, Kyle! And congratulations to you and your husband for all that you've learned about, and provided to, your son in the past year. Beautiful movie, Jennie.

[Diana from The Netherlands]

Wow this is so very cute! My little girl is also getting one year old this week. It was an amazing year and it went so fast. On one side I am sad that the real baby-phase is now over, but we are of course also looking to the future with exitement. And indeed what you said: please start fighting these germs!
Have a nice birthday together!

[C @ Kid Things]

So sweet! Happy Birthday!

[Carrie]

Happy birthday, Kyle!

[Mrs. D]

Sob! This is so sweet! Happy birthday to your sweet baby!

[Mom]

Happy Birthday my grandson. I love every minute with you, and you've given me such joy. You're a lucky boy to have very wise parents. I'm not sure how much work I'll get done today because I want to watch the video over and over again. I love you!

[Angella]

Aw...Happy Birthday! To both of you. xoxo

[natalie]

Happy, happy birthday to your sweet boy, and congrats to you on a wonderful year with him. xo

[TUWABVB]

That was beautiful - I loved that video! Happy birthday little guy - I hope you have a wonderful day and realize soon how lucky you are to have such wonderful and loving parents. They already know how lucky they are. Have a great day!

[Kristabella]

He's not one! There is no way! He was like just born!

Happy birthday Kyle!

That video was adorable!

[Jen]

Congrats, Jennie! You (and Mike and Kyle) made it through your first year together as a family! Kyle is just the cutest, and he's so luck to have you and Mike as parents. Happy Birthday, Kyle! Be sure to eat lots and lots of cake today and always. :)

[Raychelle]

Happy Birthday Kyle! Beautiful post & darling video.

[Ashley Moses]

Happy Birthday Kyle!! This video is so cute Jennie :) He's adorable!
Love,
Ashley (Johnson) Moses

[Jess]

Oh, so sweet! Happy birthday to your adorable little boy.

[Leigh J]

Happy Birthday, Kyle! What a great video and a great family. Congratulations to you all!

[Theresa]

Happy Birthday! You are one LOVED little boy. The video of him walking is precious by the way!

[Steph!]

Gorgeous. So, so gorgeous!

Happy Birthday, Kyle! Happy, happy, happiest of birthdays to YOU! :)

[Elizabeth]

Happy Birthday KC! You have the best mama ever.

[Kristie]

Happy birthday, sweet Kyle. We love you!

[Christina]

What a big day! Happy Birthday to you both.

[AmyB]

Well, there goes my eyeliner! A beautiful tribute to a very beautiful boy and family. Happy birthday, Kyle!

[Deanna]

Happy Birthday to your sweet boy! For some reason, the only part of that post that made me teary-eyed was the part of the video at the end where he's walking away, pushing his little toy. It totally got me!

[Candy]

Happy Happy 1st Birthday Kyle!!

Happy Happy 1st Birth Day, Jennifer & Mike!

It's a life changing year, and while there are more ahead, there's something totally amazing about this one. The one celebrated for the sweet boy who made you "mama" and "dada" first.

Congratulations and much much love...

btw - I totally burst into tears when the opening strains of Beautiful Boy came on.

[Rachel]

Happy 1st Birthday my sweet little turtle baby. You will be loved forever. And your mama picked a great second song, as I sang it all the time to your cousin Noah, but it captures much of how I feel about you. I wish I could be there for your party tomorrow. We love you!

[Heather]

Kyle, watching this makes me want a boy! Will make it kinda hard for me to arrange a marriage, but if my baby is half as cute as you, it'll be worth it! :) Happy Birthday, cutie pie!

Jennie, you're the best mama. I am glad I have you as an example in my life.

[Marie Green]

The first birthday is such a big deal, isn't it? I mean, YOU survived the first year (yay!), he's changed SO MUCH in only one short yeart (yay!), and life as you knew it before is only faintly recalled.

What a great video to remember the blessing of the first amazing year! Happy Birthday, little Kyle!

[Erin Farley]

Your comments thing wouldn't let me comment with my blog URL (sometimes typepad does not like me) but I decided to cheat the system and use facebook! Ha ha! Take that comments box!

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that this was a beautiful and moving post and I'm really glad you shared all of this with us. Happy Birthday!

[Crystal]

It's hard to believe that a year has already gone by. Happy Birthday, Kyle!! We can't wait to party it up with you tomorrow. XO... Crys

[Sarah]

This is beautiful! And as the mother of a one month old boy of my own, I'm particularly touched. I, too, wanted a boy!

[Jen]

Oh my goodness Jennie! I love it! Happy birthday to your little man.

A is turning one in March, and I've just started working on her video. So fun to go back through all the pictures and video. I used "Lullaby" as one of our songs too! Such a perfect song.

[the wino]

I can't imagine what it feels like to have this kind of amazing connection, but reading a post as lovely as this one makes me want it, as well.

[sensibly Sassy]

Beautiful video. Happy Birthday little man

[Megan]

Wow, there is a ton of dust in my house right now. Duuusty. That has to be the reason for my tears.

Sighhh, Jennie. Love this. I think I'm borrowing this song to use for L's slideshow, which I need to finish!!

Happy Birthday, Kyle!!!