Not always easy

Mike and I have been bickering more than usual lately. I could come up with a dozen reasons why -- work, commuting, the effing winter that will not end, money, Kyle's birthday, yada yada -- but do you really care about why? I mean, we care, obviously, but do you? Probably not. It's just been one of those slumps, you may have them too?, but I hate them. We've been through them countless times before and it never seems to get any easier. The slammed cabinet doors and the overuses of "you always!" and "you never!" and then watching American Idol cross-armed because it's what we DO together but we can't actually LAUGH or ENJOY IT since we're FIGHTING and STOMP, GRR, RAGE.

I want to be a calm, rational, not-easily-riled wife. I want to be the voice of reason, the fixed point, the anchor for this family because that's what moms do, didn't you know? Let's rip this band-aid right off, though, especially if you're set to meet me at some point this year: I am not that mother. I'm emotional, overly-sensitive and kind of insane. I lose my temper, freak out and say things I don't mean. I fight like a four-year-old. I stew. I pout. I snap. I mumble under my breath, which has always pushed my mother to the brink.

Most of the time I go back and forth between thinking I am the best wife ever ("He is LUCKY to have me. He's never folded a single load of laundry in six years, why doesn't he give me flowers EVERY DAMN DAY MY GOD.") and someone who does not deserve him on my best day ("He's so together and relaxed and I'm a basket-case and WHAT WAS HE THINKING?"). I'm not easy to live with, love, know. I know I don't make it easy on him although, sure, he's been known to make a few people pull their hair out a time or two.

I've seen Mike cry four times in six years. Once, our wedding. Also, Kyle's birth. The other two times, insanely personal. In six years I've cried.....(calculating, calculating).....nine MILLION times. I'm like Jake the Bachelor and I'm not even watching this season. I'm just reading Miss Banshee's funny-as-hell recaps. Hell, I cried just fifteen minutes ago watching "The Biggest Loser." We're different. We're opposites. Sometimes we attract, sometimes we, you know, MAKE THINGS EXPLODE. LIKE EACH OTHER'S HEADS.

Usually, blog posts like this wrap up with nice, shiny bows about how I LOVE HIM SO and WE'RE SOUL MATES SO ROUGH PATCHES CAN SUCK IT and other blather I just can't do. Marriage is hard, and if it's not hard for you, you are either lying or a lucky sonuvabitch who I'm not convinced is sober.

I will say that I don't worry too much about writing things like this. Honestly, I think I'll really start worrying when I don't care enough about my marriage to write things like this.

Comments

[Carrie]

Marriage is SO hard. I think it's actually a good thing to be able to admit that. I love my husband more than I ever imagined loving anyone and I still don't understand him most days and some days I don't like him and almost all days I think this is the most ridiculously difficult thing ever.
But I still wouldn't trade it for the world. And I'm sure you wouldn't either. Hang in there. And we're here for you when you need to vent :)

[Drew]

We have fought more these past 8 months since we had our baby than we have in the 7 years we have been together. We fight over big things and over the smallest imaginable things. We fight because we are two individuals who were brought up differently, because what annoys me doesn't annoy him, because I tell people when I think they are invading my private space and he doesn't. We stay together and we love each other because we fell in love despite our differences - we actually fell in love because of some of these differences.

[Hillary]

your description of you could be a description of me. marriage is hard, kids make it harder -- and easier, weirdly enough -- but you will get through it because you care so much.

[Kristina]

I always say that marriages have PMS too. There are days (or sometimes even weeks or months) when things just aren't right. Go easy on yourself and him. Your baby is still little and having a baby, while it really does make everything better, also makes everything harder. Things will be back to normal soon, it seems like your marriage is really strong, you guys will work it out!

P.S. A commented a while back on your baby name post and swore that if my second was a girl, her name would be Caris. Well....here I am 30 weeks pregnant with my girl, and I couldn't convince my husband!! :( Leah it is.

[heidi]

Just remember, it will get better. The first year of a child's life is hard (for the parents) and it puts a strain on the marriage. Things will look up soon. Promise. And I find marriage insanely difficult. I'm just thrilled we're finally in a good patch. I like to think of it as the reward for the hell of the past couple years.

[NGS]

We had a little blow out last Friday night. We were, unfortunately, in the middle of a walk when it happened, so I turned around to go home and we both just stewed the entire way home.

It IS hard, but so worth it. Good luck to you guys.

[Jen L.]

WOW--your last paragraph completely sums it up! Marriage is so hard for everyone, but in different ways, I suppose. I WISH I was a yeller sometimes. I bottle it all up and often let things go unsaid, which is sometimes worse than saying things you don't mean, I think. Hope you sail through this rough patch. (And yes, we all have them, whether we admit it or not!)

[Tessie]

This is a great post, and I love the last paragraph. So true that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I knew my marriage was over when I no longer even cared enough to fight.

[Kim]

I tell myself that if we can weather that first year with our first child, then we're gold. You two seem to be doing swimmingly. Nobody's marriage poopoo doesn't stink, know what I mean?? ;)

[Laura]

I love this - so true! I know my husband and I don't appreciate each other enough (or at least tell each other that we do), and yeah, marriage is hard!

[La Petite Chic]

We have been in a slump too and I'm totally convinced it's the winter from Antartica that's spurring things along!

[pickles & dimes]

We're also in a slump, and the weather and late work hours aren't helping. We don't have the energy to do fun things together but then he gets upset we're not doing fun things, etc., etc. It's hard when you're exhausted to find the energy to really make things work smoothly, you know?

And you two have a baby, so it must be even harder to find that energy. I hope things get better for you guys soon (and you get the warm weather you're supposed to have this time of year).

[Someone Being Me]

So true. Marriage is hard. Kids definitely ratchet up the stress level too no matter how great they are.

[Kristie]

Hugs sweetie. I'm thinking about you guys. xxxxxoooooo

[jodifur]

I think marriage takes work. Sometimes hard work, sometimes easy work, but work. And just acknowledging it can be hard. And it can go in cycles also.

[Jess]

I don't see anything to worry about in regards to writing something like this. Everyone has rough patches. Pretending they aren't happening won't make them go away.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Marriage IS hard. It's work. It's worth it - but it's not easy.

Hang in there. It will get better.

[Heather]

Anyone that says they don't go through these types of things in marriage is full of it. Marriage is hard..it takes work. But remember with all the hard times, there are a million wonderful good times that you have and will have together.

I have seen J cry like 3 times seven years. I have cried a million times since then also. I warned him that the Olympics are coming, which means water works for me :)

[rebecca]

of our friends, we are the only couple to make it to the five year mark. and that is solely because we acknowledge that marriage is HARD, is WORK, not something that gets easier because you got married. And we have those fighting slumps, especially when there is a one-year-old around and she has an ear infection and i do SO much more work around the house, and you NEVER...and so on and so forth. And it sucks for awhile, but then the good times come. And we made it through.

[Christina]

I could have written these exact words. Marriage is hard and once you have a kid, it's a zillion times harder because of the stress and the not sleeping and blah blah blah... As long as you care enough to care, you will always find the strength and wisdom to get through it. At least that's what I tell myself.

[She Likes Purple]

Although I do know this is just life and we'll be fine and that good phases are right around the bend, I still thank you for reassuring me.

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

I'm not married, but we might as well be, since we've lived together for a year and been together for two. We've been in a horrible slump, for months now, and OH MY GOD IT'S HARD. It makes me tired and more insane than normal, and yeah...it's just difficult. Relationships and love are so hard. Thanks for your honesty here...I feel less crazy.

[Heather]

Ummm...I am a tad unreasonable, too...I stomped up the stairs and flung myself across the bed the other day because Bill wouldn't let me crack open the eggs for the French toast he was making me. Emotional much? Calm and rational do NOT apply to me.

I am sorry that you and Mike are bickering and having a rough go of it. But you hit the nail on the head when you said that you don't have to worry, because you care enough to write this. Mike lights up when he looks at you and talks about you. He's gonna make you crazy, sweetie, and you are going to make him crazy, but then you'll both remember that you're crazy in love.

Winter will be over soon. Just make it through Thursday. :) OXOXOXOX

[bessie.viola]

Oh, marriage is so hard. SO hard. Thank you for saying it... sometimes I feel like my husband and I are the only ones who go through this. Your phrase about "lying or not sober" is perfectly said.

I hate the bickery times, and hope yours passes soon.

[Sincerely, Jenni]

I swear a lot of it is the weather sometimes. I seem to get depressed in the winter time, and it just makes me stabby. It seems like I can jump all over anyone's shit at any given moment.

It's not just you. And yes, marriage is hard.

[Natalie]

Thank you, thank you! Just when I was beginning to think you were perfect. This is just refreshing to hear, and just so....normal.

Have a great date night!

[Amanda Brown]

This was so refreshing and honest. Marriage is a perpetual challenge, at least if you want it to be a good marriage. If Steve and I are ever in a patch where there seems to be lots of heavy talks and tears (mine) and issues to work through, we comfort ourselves with the same notion, that it's OK and it's good that we are fighting for our marriage. The troubles come when you stop working through stuff and taking the time to work through those rough spots.

[Katy]

You know, I was married for five years before Charlie was born and for the most part, that was too bad. Add a kid and things got all shuffled around and the hormones are flying and no one's getting enough sleep and MAN was it tough for a while thre. I think every realstionship involves work and there's no way around that unless, like you said, you don't care enough to work on it.

[Katy]

That's supposed to say "wasn't too bad." GAH!

[Elsha]

Marriage is hard in all kinds of ways I didn't expect. And the things I worried about? Not a problem.

In almost 4 years of marriage I have NEVER seen my husband cry. Not at our wedding or the birth of either of our children or any of the other emotional (for ME) experiences we've had. He's not a crier.

[Carmen]

I rarely post but I have to say: you hit the nail in the head. when you stop caring and working to fix your marriage, and WANTING to be better, then it goes downhill. So this is really a good thing! There will be fights, there will be arguments and disagreements, but you both love each other and that's what matters. I think marriage is a rollercoaster, sometimes there are months when things are tough and other months when things are easier, but bottom line is you live together so there will be problems, you are two people who come from different families, different backgrounds, different everything, and sometimes those things come up and you clash. But things will get better.

[Marie Green]

We have slumps like this too, over and over again. At least I've now been married long enough to know they are slumps and not DOOM. But it still doesn't make them happen less often, or make them easier to get through.

We've been in a slump lately as well. I think that raising children takes up so much of our "interpersonal communication reserves" that we don't have any left for each other. I also think I'm sick of fighting over the same thing, year after year. Which is basically what we do. (Our theme is Time and How To Spend It. ie: he works too much.)

I've written about it before too, and honestly the biggest thing I worry about is that the chasm between is might get ever-so-slightly bigger all the time... until someday we can't reach across it anymore.

I'm working on not letting that happen. When I have the energy, that is.

[Heather]

I'm glad to hear this from so many others. I've only been married for seven months and even though we haven't been married long, it was a big adjustment for me. More impactful than I ever thought. I agree marriage / relationships take work. Just the other day when I made this very comment, my husband looked at me like he was utterly offended. It doesn't mean anything's wrong; just that it takes WORK every day to be loving, supportive, thoughtful, etc. Thanks for sharing; we all go through it from time to time.

[barbetti]

I've seen Stephen cry once. And it was the only time he's cried (he says) in about FIFTEEN YEARS. But between those ASPCA commercials, the Office and random things Dublin does (or random things STEVE does that DRIVE ME BANANANANAS), I've probably cried 900 times in the last two years. That might be an underestimation though.

Anyway, I feel the same as you do, about caring enough to post these sorts of things because Marriage is not easy (either is Parenting, so you and Mike have a double whammy there) and it's why I posted that sad, whiney post last month about our struggles.

[Steph]

yes, this! exactly! i could totally replaced you with me in this post. thanks for your honesty.