Siblings

Annika asked, "Have you found an answer to: Will Kyle have siblings?"

*****

The number of people who asked me at Kyle's birthday party when we were having our next kid: 3

My answer to all of them: I don't know that we are.

Their response: BUT YOU MUST.

*****

Months ago, we were in a store, and this blond, barely-toddling boy was cruising the aisles. He was beautiful. His mother yelled after him, and the combination of her tone and the words she chose startled me. It wasn't usual frustration over a child who cannot be contained (oh, I know that frustration well), there was something underlying, something that made my skin crawl. She rushed over to him and yanked his arm, and he didn't cry. He didn't even flinch. I wanted to walk over and scoop that baby up and never look back. I think about him a lot.

I think about him more than I think about any other biological child I may have.

I do this thing, maybe you do it too, when I'm conflicted about something. I ask myself the of-the-moment question and then answer it quickly, with no time to really think about things. This first, gut reaction is usually the right one. So, when I did this recently about having another baby of my own, when I asked myself, quickly, "Do you want to have another baby, Jennie?" I answered quickly, "I want to adopt some day."

I don't know if this is a ridiculous won't-happen dream or if this is more a realistic-but-tough desire, but adoption is something I think about a lot and way more than I ever think about getting my redheaded baby one day.

*****

You know how there's always something up ahead? When you're dating, everyone wonders when you'll get married and when you get married everyone wonders when you're going to have a baby and then at that baby's first birthday, everyone wonders when you'll give him a baby sister or brother? Well, those questions have always made my stomach turn because I've always wanted that next thing well before getting that next thing. Mike and I were together three and a half years before getting married, and I felt ready for the next step most of that time. Then, it took us a year to get pregnant. But, now, when people ask me the question about our next kid, I smile because for once, I'm not anxiously looking toward it or wanting it so badly. I'm right where I want to be and I think it's going to stay just like this, at least until it's time to go after those big adoption dreams of ours.

Besides, "just like this" isn't half bad.

Comments

[little miss mel]

Dude, I had another kid THREE years after my first. I find it AMAZING that people even think of another kid when the first is 1 yr old.

What you chose to do is SO the right thing for you. I have 3 cousins who are adopted. I can't imagine them NOT in my life. :)

[Marie Green]

For what it's worth, I've never wanted another when my BABY was only a year old. I like to savor a baby in the house, and how can one savor a baby whilst pregnant?

I do love the gift that the NEXT child gives a parent: the gift of letting go of "perfection". When #2 comes, we stop obsessing over #1 so much, and we start flowing along with the river of life instead of trying to control that river.

(To be clear, I've never read anything of yours that makes me think you're controlling or in need of loosening up. I'm speaking purely from my own experience and from my experience of working with new/pregnant moms.)

Finally, there is no "perfect" spacing. So however and when ever (and IF ever) another one comes along, it will be perfectly timed for your family.

[Diane]

I've always wanted to adopt. My father was adopted at the age of 6, and I know only a fraction of what a hard time he had up to that point. This was in the 40s, and of course we'd hope things have improved since then, but ...

Like you, I don't know if it's something I can realistically make happen or if it's just a far off dream, but this post really struck me, so thank you.

[She Likes Purple]

Marie, oooooh, I agree. Even if I was convinced I wanted another, I couldn't imagine having another now. But I think other people know they eventually want another baby down the line (did you?) and I don't know I do, at least not another biological child.

Oh, but things can change. I certainly know that to be true, too.

[Katy]

Oh yes. I am very comfortable with my life right now/just the way it is. Before this year, I had no desire to have any other children. Now, I'm thinking maybe a little rug rat wouldn't be so bad. People feel like everyone needs to have two kdis and really, you need to have as many kids as you want. That's doesn't always mean two.

[Camels & Chocolate]

The questions, OH THE QUESTIONS. They KILL me. We're not even married yet, and we're already getting the kids question. (And the answer is "no, absolutely not, never," which is so NOT the answer most people want to hear. Nor do they believe me. They get offended. To which I want to respond: "THEN ENOUGH WITH YOUR QUESTIONS. Let us be!")

Also, I'm sure I'm way guilty of asking The Questions myself as purely conversation filler.

[K]

Ugh, when I hear about people telling others that they should have a baby or have to have a second baby, it makes me want to punch. "Sure, I'll make a life-altering decision to have a baby because you told me to. In exchange, why don't I make a life decision for YOU? Become a nun. Is there a type of nun that takes a vow of silence?"

[annie]

I have some friends who, like you, always wanted to adopt. It was something they talked about before they were married and something they always intended to do. They had two beautiful little girls on their own and then started the process for international adoption to get their precious little boy from S. Korea. He is so beautiful, so loved, and so very much a natural part of their family. I really admire people who make this choice and think it's awesome that you're considering it.

When I got pregnant with #2 and then #3, even though I felt "ready" for another baby? I certainly DID NOT feel ready to be pregnant again. I remember feeling so frustrated because everyone around me (my husband especially) was so excited about "another baby" while I was so anxious about "another pregnancy." And now, looking at my three sleeping boys, I wouldn't have it any other way. I remember when Christopher was just a little baby that all I wanted for him was a sibling to share his life with, so when Jake came along I was so happy. Adding Nathaniel to the mix was just icing on the cake.

That said, I HATE IT when people ask other people about when they're having children or when they're having MORE children. It's such a private thing and some people are just SO PUSHY!

And? I love that photo of Kyle. Love love love. What a beautiful boy.

[Annika]

Thanks for that answer!
I remember you speaking about the if's and when's and maybe's of having another child some time last year and I was curious what happened to the thoughts, in which direction they went, in what kind of state you are in right now.

And I think adoption is a brave wish and needs as much thoughts as having another biological baby. I admire people who have adopted, but honestly speaking, I don't know if I could do that myself.

[jodifur]

Michael is 5, and I just stopped getting this question.

1 is right for us. That doesn't make the answer right for everyone, and I'm not saying the answer is right for you, but don't let anyone pressure you into doing what is "right" and "normal." Only children are FINE. Your family is perfect, and will be perfect no matter what you do.

[Chrystal]

It's kinda funny you posted this today. (I know I never post comments, but I'm a regular lurker...I mean, reader!)
A few of my friends had babies around the same time I did, and a couple of them were seriously talking about how they wanted another one practically right after the first made it out of the womb. Frankly, I couldn't have imagined it. I, too, wanted to savor in the baby I was just given for a while. I love him to pieces, and couldn't IMAGINE needing/wanting/having another any time soon. UNTIL......
I got pregnant 6 months later. It wasn't what I expected to happen, especially since I thought the idea of two babies BACK-TO-BACK (quite literally) was kinda silly. I mean, we planned and planned for the first one, and this new one (only 19 weeks along right now) was such a surprise, we were completely caught off guard.
However, in saying all that, I need to say this. Not at one moment, were we thinking "oh crap." Surprisingly to us both, we were quite happy. Something I thought I didn't want before it happened, is actually something I can't imagine not having right now. Isn't that weird?? Things didn't go according to our "plan" this time, but so far, so good.
Yet, there are new questions. "Didn't you JUST have a baby!??" "Don't you know what causes that!??" Yes, and Yes, thankyouverymuch. I'm quite aware.....No one's ever happy. :)
I admire your adoption quest, and got SO UPSET reading the first part of this post, about the little boy who didn't even flinch at getting yanked up by the arm. I get frustrated at things too, who doesn't? But good grief!! People like that just infuriate me.

[She Likes Purple]

Chrystal, I almost included something in my post about how I know accidents happen and I know that if one were to happen, we'd go from shock to excitement pretty quickly, I can almost guarantee that.

Congratulations on #2! Things happen as they should, I believe that.

[Sarah]

Isn't it funny how you just know what you want? You have a vision of family in your head, and it's perfect for YOU. My husband and I have always known we wanted two kids. We just had our first two months ago, but when we talk about the future, we talk about the 'kids'. This whole topic reminds me of a line from one of Sundry's posts awhile back when she decided that two was enough for their family...she said 'we are all here.' Whatever you choose, I think you'll know it's right when you can say with peace, 'we are all here.'

[Sahara]

I still have a baby in the house (my second) and he makes me want to have babies in the house forever. But I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I had easy pregnancies/deliveries so it makes me feel wussy to just not want to go through the normal discomfort. I would really like to adopt, but am afraid that it will be crazy expensive and emotionally draining. If you ever start looking into it, please keep us/me posted!

[Kristabella]

I am so thankful that my family doesn't pressure me at all. I'm NEVER asked about when I'm getting married. I think if I were to be harassed at every family gathering, I'd stop going. They might know this too, which is why they don't ask.

I think the adoption this is a great idea. Also, just having one kid is also fine. Whatever makes you happy as a family, that's the only thing that matters.

[She Likes Purple]

Sahara, if it ever came to pass, I'd write about it at length, I'm sure!

[Jess]

Oh, I so relate to this. As you probably know, we are interested in pursuing a similar family structure. I mean, we'll see. I am certainly not opposed to the idea of birthing more than one baby, and am entirely open to the possibility that we'll decide to go that route. But adoption interests us both greatly, and has for a long time. I am very interested to see what you guys end up doing down the line.

[the Grumbles]

Ugh, I have already been asked if we will have more and my son is only 6 months. Back off, people! Can't we just be happy at any one stage of life without pushing and prodding to get to the next?

I'm already not even sure if I want more. I'm a only child and the whole siblings thing is totally alien to me.

[jean]

I have only one child. I can't imagine having another, I'm too old at this point. But there are times when I feel I should have tried harder to have another. He on the other hand has never wanted or missed having any siblings. So you do what is best for you - not anyone else.

[Heather]

I think that the adoption idea is amazing. Kyle's such a treasured gift, and creating a baby out of love is amazing. But there's something pretty darn special about opening your heart and your home to a person that is not your flesh and blood, and what that teaches those around you: that you CHOSE to love this little person. You looked for and found this little person, and took him into your home and made him yours. My first love was SO AGAINST adoption. SO AGAINST it. We were wrong for each other, clearly. I am still very open to the idea, but I have my hands full already! :)

[Heather]

P.S. Which isn't to say I wouldn't do it...the thought just seems DAUNTING right now.

[Elsha]

I'm right there with you on not being anxious about the next big thing. After we got married I was anxious to have a baby and when she was a newborn it only took a few months before I felt myself longing for another one. But after baby number 2 was born I thought, "this is good, for now." I already know I want more, but not anytime soon. It's a nice feeling.

[april]

I didn't know for sure that I wanted another until we had an "almost oops" and then I was disappointed that I wasn't. And then I was still on the fence until I got pregnant again, and now I'm mostly excited except when I worry I won't love this kid as much as I love my 2-year old (or that my 2-year old won't love this kid). I think it's normal. And there will be no more after this one - I'm perfectly done. :)

[Christina]

I felt the same way. Nate was all I "needed" I was happy with exactly where we were and with what he brought to the family table. I wrote about questioning if he'd be an only and really wasn't sure. And then one day I saw a baby, approximately the 3 billionth I'd seen since delivering Nate but, on that day, it hit me. I was ready. 20 weeks to go.

[Nathalie]

I'm only child and I know for sure my parents never questioned that decision, especially since my mother wasn't even keen on having one in the first place. People always asked me if I wished I had a brother or sister. I never hesitated to answer that I was perfectly content with my wonderful family.

That being said, adoption is incredible and if it comes to that, I wish you the best of luck. There are so many kids who need a good home and it's clear that a good home is something that you can and will provide.

[Miranda]

Wow, I totally could have written this post (or, more likely, a poorly written version). My daughter turned 1 last weekend and my girl friends and I have been talking a lot about when we'll have our next. One has a daughter who will be 1 next month and she's expecting number 2 in August. Another has an almost 2 year old and just started TTC. Whenever we're all together I start feeling that anxious feeling- I want another baby, too! But when I really think about it, our family just isn't ready yet. I'm having way too much fun as a family of 3- my daughter is so awesome I just want to spend time getting to know her more.

I've always thought I was one of those people that should adopt. I think some people are just meant for it. There are plenty of kids out there needing a home and I have a lot of love and compassion to give. My husband is a little unsure - more so now, I think, that we have our biological daughter- but we'll see how it goes. I know enough of my daughter's personality to think she'd be a pretty amazing big sister- biological or not. We'll see where this journey of ours takes us and I can't wait to follow your journey as well.

[She Likes Purple]

Miranda, your comment reminded me of something I recently read about having children, and how it's the only BIG! LIFE! DECISION! we make with purely emotional reasons in mind. Everything else -- home buying, jobs, investing, moves -- we use rational thought to come to a decision, but when it comes to having kids, we're emotional (not to say we shouldn't be), but I think a lot of people get confused with "what's best for my family?" and "what's best for me and my emotions?"

[barbetti]

Without fertility treatments, the decision to make Dublin a big brother has already been decided for me. And for a while, I really thought that was "okay." Dublin could be an only and life would be easier/cheaper/etc. And with Steve's deployment, there was no way we were looking at the mere possibility of trying fertility drugs until after he returned. But I think I've changed my mind about having another baby. My pregnancy was complicated and difficult and probably permanently damaged my kidneys, but more than anything, I want Dublin to have that "built-in playmate" experience. But still, we'll wait until Steve isn't in a foreign country for an entire year.

While I do have an adopted sister, I don't believe adoption will ever be a choice for me, for many personal reasons. But I greatly admire those who do (like my mom).

[HollyLynne]

Paul and I want another sometime because I'm an only and, while that has its perks, I want a sibling for Bean. People are probably going to go crazy waiting though because we want to space them 4 or 5 years!