Real Marriages: Fighting Fair

Mike and I fight.

Not a lot. Not every day. But from time to time we come to blows over something: the dishes, money, parenting, the DVR, coughfamilycough. I'm kind of emotional and he's kind of stubborn. Fun combination.

(He also has horrible taste in television. You can tell him I said so.)

But, Mike fights fair. In fact, everything healthy I've learned from fighting with your partner, I've learned from him. 

We haven't perfected the art of a constructive, relationship-building, level-headed argument and that's because I'm very rarely level-headed, but I'm (usually) proud of the way we fight and how we resolve conflicts.

Here are a few things I've learned on fair fighting over the last six years. (Fine, some of these things I learned in my relationships before Mike. Because I did the opposite of all of them.)

1) No name calling, no bad lanugage. Unless you're saying, "Shit, you've got a good point." Or "Fuck, you're right."

2) Never fight when either person has been drinking. We've had a couple big disagreements after some alcohol was consumed and, hoo boy, that never ends well. No really, never. If you're upset about something when you've had something to drink, write it down. Nine times out of ten, you won't be upset the next morning and it's much easier to throw a piece of paper away than to apologize.* (Also, you should never be drinking so much that you can't write something down. That goes without saying, right?)

*I obviously meant RECYCLE that piece of paper.

3) Never fight in the middle of the night. After having a newborn, I now think that being exhausted is like being tipsy. It messes with your ability to form a rational thought. In fact, those middle-of-the-night newborn screamfests from the early days included so many words (from me) in all caps, you'd think I was Jack Bauer. I eventually made this rule for myself: don't say a word in the middle of the night that's not 100% necessary like "the house is on fire, meet you outside."

4) Don't make threats. I can't remember a single fight we've had where either of us threatened to leave. But I've had plenty of those fights with other people and that's some irrevocable damage you don't want to mess with right there. You'll forget why you started fighting in a week's time, but you'll never forget the threats. They linger. They're toxic. Don't make them.

5) It's okay to walk away. Mike is a champ at this.* He knows when the fight isn't going well, and when we should both take some space to calm down. This means we sometimes go to bed angry, and I think that's fine. I'd rather cool off and re-group the next day than fight until 4 a.m. In fact, whoever said "never go to bed angry" must not have liked sleeping much.

*I am not much of a champ at this, but I'm learning. (YES I AM, MIKE.)

6) Leave "always" and "never" out of your vocabulary. Those two words are loaded and hurtful and I use them far too often. They're also just totally incorrect. 

7) Give yourself 30 minutes before saying something. My dad used to say "think before you speak" and I never understood (as a kid) how that was even possible. How do you have the TIME to think before you speak!? But, as a married adult who likes getting along with her husband, this is a very important rule indeed. Whatever you're pissed about, you have a right to be, let me just say that. But wait a half hour to say something about it. Give yourself just a little thinking time. You may still want to bring it up, but you'll bring it up way more rationally than you would have before.

***

My mom said something recently that I loved: no two successful marriages look the same. What works for you (and works well) might not work for the next couple and vice versa. And, listen closely, your marriage shouldn't work for everyone else. It's your marriage.

So, truly, it doesn't matter how often you fight (or if you fight at all) but that if and when you do, you fight with a level of respect. (That goes for all fights, even the ones you have with the T-Mobile customer service department. You may want to call them (or your partner) a raging douchenozzle but you shouldn't. Save it for your blog instead.)

I always like hearing your thoughts, so tell me:

Any tips for fighting fair you'd like to share?

Comments

[Holly]

I think just talking about "fighting fair" with your partner is a super great start. If you agree to some ground rules when you are feeling happy and lovey towards each other, I think it is slightly easier to stick to them when you are enraged. I read somewhere once that saying something mean to someone is like putting a nail into a board. Sure you can take it out, but you inevitably leave a hole. I try and remember that generally, but I think it speaks to fighting particularly. I love the idea of giving yourself 30 minutes to think about something before you speak about it. I could probably cut back on the immediate verbal diarrhea I sometimes spew when I get upset. 30 minutes would help, I'm sure of it! Easier said than done, of course :)

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

These are excellent tips. The "always/never" thing is one that my husband and I both work on.

But what I really need to master is the art of walking away, or letting things go. Especially at night. Because I inevitably want to "talk it out" and my husband inevitably falls asleep and then I lie there all night, awake, sobbing, resenting him for not waking up because I AM CRYING, and then the next day is shot.

I also think it's important to never bring up the D word, which I guess falls under your umbrella of threats.

My mom always used to say, "don't bring the kitchen sink into it." Which is a great rule, but one that I find hard to follow. Sometimes, you're fighting and it brings up old injuries, and you want to bring those up to help bolster your case... But it's just a bad idea.

Um... I also think it's important to fight. Not fighting seems to me like not facing issues. But I am perhaps biased because I have a fiery temper and have NEVER been in a relationship that didn't involve a good yelling match now and again.

[Kerri]

I need to work on the name calling. I've called the boy a d-bag on more than one occasion during an argument and I know it's not fair and that if the situation were reversed and he called me any sort of name I would be devastated. He walks away a lot but I don't always handle it well - I feel like he just wants to avoid confrontation and I just want to have it out. We still haven't found a compromise on that one.

[LizScott]

A slightly related note to your points: keep you fights within your marriage. Don't solicit opinions from your family, your coworkers, your facebook page. I mean, ok: it's one thing to bitch to a good friend, but ... well, you know my point: it's not an opportunity for public discourse - whatever you're fighting about is between you two. I personally would feel very hurt to know that others had been discussing me and the many ways that I (allegedly) suck

[She Likes Purple]

Liz, I love that. There's a fine line between being honest about your marriage and raking it over the coals for others to witness. You won't find me genuinely bad-mouthing Mike to anyone, ever, because he deserves way better than that even if he really never does do the dishes.

Great point, thank you!

[Shelly]

You and Mike sound the same as me and Chris. I'm SUPER emotional, and he can be really stubborn. He can say, "I don't think you appreciate when I...(and then says a specific example). I then take it as though I have NEVER ONCE in our lives together appreciated anything he's ever done and take it WAY too personal. I love to "talk it out" and he comes back with, "I don't want to talk about it."

We have learned alot over the last year and a half and are working towards fighting nicer. I HATE going to bed angry because I can't stop running things through my mind while fighting the urge to cuddle up to him even though I want him to know I'm pissed. Ha!

[Ginger]

Don't bring old fights into this fight. My husband and I don't fight often, but the WORST fights we've had have been the ones where we try and rehash old arguments just to get an extra "gotcha" in. Fight about what is bothering you right now, not what bothered you 2 years ago!

[-R-]

I was going to add exactly what Ginger wrote. My husband and I really have two rules - don't bring up old fights, and don't threaten or even mention divorce.

[Alias Mother]

We are bickerers and over the years we've come to grips with it a bit. We definitely FIGHT fight a lot less than we used to and we fight fairer. I had to learn to not go for the low-blow and he had to learn to stay far, far away from the "always/never" thing, which is my particular poison. I think mostly we both had to accept that we are individually responsible for our actions in a fight and that being mad is not permission to spout out whatever evilness crosses our minds.

[K]

That's a great list. I'm not married and my boyfriend and I rarely fight but I think we tend to stick to the same general rules.

[Kader]

These are such good points. I work very, very, very hard to follow all of them. I am marginally successful.
Here's another one: The fights you have internally for weeks (the things you hold on to and stew about) usually end up sounding pretty petty when they meet the light of day. So...just mention the annoying thing up front, without anger.
I don't know if that makes sense. It's something I'm constantly doing, and it brings about no good outcomes.
Have a wonderful time at BlogHer!!! Give your roommate a big hug from me! xo

[hillary]

The two issues we both struggle with (and are really trying to fix) are:
1: don't keep score
and 2: don't use "you"

Not keeping score is a big one for us - most of our fights are about division of chores and responsibilities and it's really easy to start listing off all the things I did this week and how little he did last week (while exaggerating the importance of the chores I did and minimizing the importance of the chores he did.) Keeping score is ridiculous and pointless and something we're trying to abolish from our fighting style.

Don't use "you" is about avoiding blanket statements like "you always say this" or "you should do this." I'm not saying don't use the word "you" at all (I'm not into statements like "I feel sad when I always have to do the laundry because it feels like my time isn't as valued as your time" because it feels passive aggressive to me) I'm just saying that we try to avoid the accusatory form of "you" (like "you NEVER do the laundry because YOU DON'T CARE, drama and woe!") Also, the words "you should ... " make my ears stop working and I do not hear whatever comes next.

[NGS]

I am a stewer. I sit on what I'm angry or worried about rather than share it. I think it's because I always think that he's going to think that whatever I'm upset about is stupid or emotional. And it usually is, but that doesn't mean I'm not upset!! This sucks for husband who knows something is wrong even as I keep denying it. If I've learned anything from him, it's that sometimes we're going to disagree. But we have to come clean or there's no way to work past it.

[heidikins]

I have read this post through a half-dozen times and feel like I should print it onto post-its and stick them on my bathroom mirror....or, print them out and hand them to whomever I happen to be dating. Brilliant.

xox

[Beth Fish]

When I got married, my mother told me "you don't have to say every damned thing that pops into your head." She was so, so right. If nothing else, almost every damned thing that pops into my head can wait until tomorrow, and tomorrow it rarely seems so important to say it.

[Jane]

I have to agree. The threats is important. Unless you are ready to follow through, and having had to be in a situation where I've had to be prepared to deliver the threat it isn't fun.. I don't want to go back there.

The 30 minute waiting thing is tough! If I take 30 minutes, I'm probably just going to internalize it all and it just comes out bigger and nastier on a different day (on possibly a completely unrelated issue). That I know is my personality... must work on that.

[jive turkey]

I cannot tell you how important I think the "It's okay to walk away" point is. When I get angry, I NEED a few minutes to be alone and calm down, otherwise I get fucking RIDICULOUS. My husband has a hard time with this; he always wants to follow me around and straighten things out RIGHT NOW.

But I think there's a fine line between giving each other some space and letting things fester into the silent treatment (which my parents did, sometimes for DAYS on end, and I hated it. It was awful).

Anyway, we're getting better (after ten years, ahem) at meeting in the middle when it comes to giving each other (or just me) some space to cool off, but not letting too much time pass before we resolve things.

[natalie]

We aren't big fighters... mainly because my husband is such a calm, calm person (so frustrating at times, let me tell you.) I'm definitely the more, uh, "forward" of the two of us in terms of bringing up what's bothering me, but we do a lot of discussing and very little fighting. I will say, though, that when we went to pre-marriage counseling, the little old couple who were our advisers had one hard and fast rule in their marriage, and they had been married for about sixty years: never bring up divorce as a threat or otherwise. I see that others have said that here too, and I definitely agree with it.

[katy]

These are great tips and I completely agree. We fight at my house too. In fact, I'm not sure I completely trust people who say they never fight.

[Erin]

My mom recently gave me the tip to think about whether what the hubs is doing is just annoying or if it is truly hurting the marriage (I think a therapist told her this). And it actually puts things in perspective!

[little miss mel]

I read this to hubs tonight. Then, we discussed. Thanks for sharing your way too familiar insight!!!