Real Marriages: The "Rules" for Surviving a New Baby

Mike and I have a few rules that came out of Kyle's newborn stage, and I think they're genius and everyone should know them. Now, if we only followed them regularly.

They are:

1) If your work schedules will allow, each person takes a weekend morning. We still do this, as best we can. One person gets to sleep in Saturday, the other Sunday.

2) Shift work. If the baby isn't nursing or there's expressed milk, break up the night. For a while, Mike was on shift from 10-2 am and no matter what was going down, those were his hours. I took 2-6 am and the same rules applied.

3) Our biggest trial-and-error rule: no one-upping. You may be a parenting rockstar but you don't actually win anything for reminding your partner you're better at something than he is. (Even if you are.) (Which, come on, you are.)

4) Take a job. I am the only one who has ever cut Kyle's nails after that first time Mike attempted it and there was much bloodshed. He haaaaates doing it and I'm good at it. Well, better, I should say. So I do it. Mike can get Kyle to sleep in five seconds flat whereas Kyle knows how to work me. So, Mike usually puts him to bed when we're both home. We have our jobs. We do them. We praise the other for doing theirs. 

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I asked my Twitter friends to share their own rules. Here are a few gems:

  

 

Hillary may be childless but she's also brilliant. The phrase "but I did it last time" can only take you down one road and that road is called Fightsville. It intersects with One-Upping Your Way Into a Sexless Corner.

 

Such great rules.

Also, this one:

Smart woman.

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What are the rules you made during new parenting (or parenting a new baby)?

Comments

[Whinger]

I am not a parent, but am an avid admirer and observer (not judger) of those who are. My favorite rule for parents of new babies is brought to you from my friend Amanda, who explained that every marriage should have an allowance of about 5 "fuck yous" over its lifetime simply so one or two can be used when you are up sleepless with an infant.

[Blythe]

All such good advice, and so simple but sometimes so difficult, no? I still have a hard time letting my husband do his jobs his way, even though he's better at them than I am.

Also, I thought of another one.
No fighting/discussing in the middle of the night. Unless the sun is up, conversation should be kept to a bare minimum. We discovered this the hard way while tearful whisper-shouting over a screaming child at 2am, and then realizing that by morning we'd forgotten what we were so upset about.

[Jess]

YES. Sending this link to Torsten RIGHT NOW. Thanks!

[april]

My husband helps out probably more than his share, but what helped us after we spent many sleepless nights up at the same time because the one who was not taking care of the baby felt guilty and stayed up anyhow was a variation on your "shift" rule: We took turns on nights, and every other night was your night. If nothing happened, you got to sleep but if all hell broke loose on your night, it was your job (unless something major happened and you really needed the partner). My second son is a week old and we plan on implementing the same schedule with him.

We have noticed we already don't have the same guilt this time that we did with the first - if someone says "I've got it", then they've got it. You need help, you ask. :)

[Heather]

I don't have any rules that aren't already mentioned...except a small subset of the nighttime feeding rules: If your wife is trying to exclusively nurse your baby, and there isn't EBM, you STILL need to wake up with her and at least make sure that she's got everything she needs, water, pillow, etc. There were some nights that I was just PISSED that he laid there and continued to sleep, unfazed, right next to me, without even so much as an "I love you baby, for taking great care of our wee one. Do you need a glass of water or anything?"

[cindy w]

We didn't have any rules when Catie was a newborn, which might explain how we ended up in a marriage counselor's office before she was 6 months old.

I feel like, after the first year, we settled into a groove and things got a lot easier. But that first year was *rough*. On the positive side, though, I know all the things we'll do differently whenever we have a 2nd baby. (Which includes... yeah, pretty much everything you listed there. Except I get to sleep late on BOTH Saturday & Sunday, because Dave likes to take weekend naps, and I can't nap during the day. So that works for us.)

[Heather]

I am formula feeding, so we alternated feedings. It meant that we got a little bit more sleep at one stretch of time.

As his feedings decreased and now he sleeps through the so I always put him to bed and J always wakes up with him. That way we both get "our" time with him. It's what works for us.

The other really important rule for us is having solo time. He has his fantasy drafts, while I have my running (or trips to Target).

[She Likes Purple]

Blythe, yes, such a great rule. No talking in the middle of the night unless it's an emergency!

[nonsoccermom]

I agree with all of these! My "baby" is 2.5 years old and we still take turns getting up on weekend mornings. Bath/bedtime is my job, and the weekday morning get up/breakfast/clothes rush is his. It took us forever to get into a good groove (seriously - my oldest is 8 years old next month) but we're finally there and flow through the day with a minimum of effort.

[Erin]

Don't have anything to add other than I LOVE THIS POST! So great! (And I should probably learn from some of the things on the list)

[Sarah]

Great post. We also instituted these rules -- particularly the taking turns sleeping in on the weekends and the night shifts. I also found that a glass of wine at the 'end' of every day helped tremendously.

[Elsha]

We do the shift rule a little differently. Because I stay at home, I do all the night time wake ups. BUT, we agreed from the get-go that was part of the deal. When Will was brand new though, I would go to bed at 9 and Brian would keep him until 11. If he was up at 11 I took him, if not, Brian just went to bed and I'd get up the first time the baby did.

[Becky]

YES to Heather; even if it's not every time, if the partner not nursing could wake up once in a while to offer support that is so great.
Of course it totally goes "against" our rule, which was that I would wake up with the baby at night, but Ryan was in charge of all diaper changes when he was home (this was mostly during the first few months while I was home with the baby). Since I was nursing I knew *logically* that it didn't make sense for both of us to wake up in the night, but I needed something to make it seem more fair. This rule helped us a lot.
Of course now that the baby sleeps through the night we alternate diaper changes; whoever has him/has a moment free changes him. I love the other rules mentioned.

[Sara]

I just love this post. I am a new mom, our son was born August 5th, and we are still adjusting to the whole new parent thing. This post couldn't be more perfect and helpful. THANK YOU!! This whole being new parents is not an easy job and any help you can get is so appreciated.

[natalie]

#4 is interesting. I was hoping that Micah will be able to do everything that I can do. I feel like if I don't train him to do everything, then I'll get stuck doing it all.

[Vanessa]

As the mother of a 7 week old I can so relate to this. When my daughter was born we both woke up almost every time with her but one was responsible for a feeding while the other changed her diaper. It made the time we were up much shorter and we both didn't seem to mind. When my son was born my husband worked nights for the first few weeks and I got "stuck" doing it all myself at night, but he was a champ about coming home and taking the baby for a few hours so I could rest even when I knew he was exhausted. Its really just a fine line of doing what works for you. Making sure that you help the other and speak up when you need it.