Unrecognizable

My high school reunion is in a little over a week, and I'm actually pretty excited about it. I'm going with Natalie, who's my better half when Mike's not around. Sometimes even when he is.

Until very recently, though, there was one teeny, tiny thing messing with my mind when I thought about walking into that bar next week and it was this: in high school I was much, much skinnier than I am now. Instead of thinking, you've lost nearly 35 pounds this year and are running races and running websites and have a career and a great husband and a baby boy whose smile should be bottled by world leaders for peace keeping strategies, I thought I'm not as skinny as I was when I was 17, people are going to judge me.

Except I wasn't just skinny in high school, I was sick in high school. I was very, very sick. I would go to abandoned parks at night to throw up in garbage cans, so I could convince the people paying attention that I was fiiiiiiine. (They weren't convinced.) My friends sat me down during what I thought was a fun girl's night once to hold an intervention. My mom took the locks off the bathroom door. My drill team director pulled me into her office to talk about her concerns. Once, during an eating disorder support group, a girl told me I didn't look skinny enough to have an eating disorder, so I set out to prove her wrong and went two full weeks without digesting a bite of food. Natalie, who wasn't in my life during a year or two of high school, came to my house and broke our stubborn and stupid silence to tell me she was worried about me.

I told her not to be.

I wasn't well in high school, so why on earth should I care about people comparing me to that.

That wasn't such a super great place to be.

This is why I have such a hard time with the knee-jerk reaction so many (including myself) have that if someone's gained weight, it's because something's broken in their lives, and they're fixing that break with food. Sometimes this is true. But, sometimes thin equals late night purging in an abandoned park so the caesar salad you had at Applebee's doesn't keep you up at night, making you hate yourself, and thin or not, that's no one's idea of happiness, is it?

I've enjoyed food more this year than ever before. I enjoy tasting food, celebrating with food, cooking food, serving food, talking about food. I don't hate myself for eating food with fat in it or for having dessert or for sipping wine and eating carbs. While I'd argue I was never more obsessed with food than the six years I had an eating disorder, it's not hard to believe I was hardly enjoying food back then. But, finally, I can say I enjoy it.

So this is why I'm excited to go to my high school reunion, even though I can't fit into the jeans I was wearing back then. No matter who knew me -- or how much they knew of me -- very few of them know me now, and I'd love to introduce them to this person.

This person who runs races and runs websites and has a career she enjoys and a husband who holds her hand and a baby boy who's got it all and then some. Have I mentioned his smile?

This person whose hip bones you might not be able to see from across the room but who hasn't been in an abandoned park in a really, really long time.

Comments

[Lemon Gloria]

This is a wonderful piece of writing, Jennie, and a very strong message. I'm sure there are a number of women you knew in high school who might not admit it, but would be able to relate to this all too well. You're lovely, inside and out. I hope your reunion is fabulous.

[Francesca]

Thanks for that very honest post, it can't have been easy to write. Have a wonderful time at your reunion! :)

[hillary]

Jennie, you're lovely.
I bet every single person going to the reunion is feeling like a less skinny, or more bald, or more jiggly, or less interesting person than the highschool version of themselves. I'm not trying to dismiss the tiny thing messing with your mind because that's not fair to you. So I'll just say that you're lovely and I hope that everyone at the reunion can see just how awesome you are.

[Marie Green]

Beautiful.

And your current mental health is about 1,000x's more precious and wonderful than ANY dress size.

And you look great, besides.

[Swistle]

<3 <3 <3 and also more <3

[Kader]

I was just saying how much I love your writing, because, no matter the topic, you're so honest and articulate. This post was, of course, absolutely no exception.
I have always known that confidence is the most beautiful thing about any person. Needless to say, your natural beauty will be accented by your amazing amount of confidence and self-acceptance. You're wonderful.

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

God dammit, Jennie. You never fail to blow me away. I totally hear this and see this and feel this (my reunion is next year and I have similar fears after battling an eating disorder in college). You're so amazing and your writing, well, your writing is incredible. So much love for you.

[natalie]

You're amazing and inspiring and I'm proud to know you.

[steph]

This is so powerful. YOU are SO powerful!

[auntie]

You are awesome and this post was just incredible. Having just gone to a high school reunion a couple of months ago (mine was the 20-year, but still), I can tell you that I spent the better part of this year worrying worrying worrying about going to my reunion. Not only because I've gained weight since high school (I wasn't thin in high school, just less fat than I am now!), but also because I just felt like nothing. Uninteresting. Useless. Ugly. To say I'd been struggling with some demons is an understatement.

But then I went to the reunion, and found out that other people had stressed about what to wear and if they had wrinkles and what if I sweat too much (outdoor cocktails in a humid 98 degrees wasn't great planning, if you ask me) or my gray hair shows or they figure out that I'm boring and on and on. What a relief! The lightbulb literally went off mid-party for me, and I was able to enjoy the night.

See, you've already got the confidence thing going for you. And I'm willing to bet that everybody there thinks you look better than you did 10 years ago, both inside and out.

[Anne]

This is spectacular. YOU are spectacular. Don't ever let yourself forget that.

[leenie]

oh this is so so spot on. i haven't yet nailed down the exact math, but in general my own equation is something also like sick+sad=skinny, happy+well=heavier. i'm zeroing in, having come down to a healthy weight while still feeling happy and well and not super stressed. but it's weird isn't it-- most people think i looked my best when i was at my worst. thanks so much for articulating all of this better than i could.

[natalie]

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, when you needed me the most.

You are a fantastic writer, and people will be so surprised to hear all that you've accomplished just this year!

[Jen L.]

You are phenomenal. Go and have a blast!

[annie]

Jennie, that was awesome. I am so excited for you to go to your reunion truly loving the person that you are. Have a wonderful time!

[A.]

You will absolutely blow them away. I have no doubt. I hope you have a fun time. :)

[jive turkey]

Girl, no one should be the person they were in high school -- mentally, emotionally, or physically. We have all grown since then, in every way (if we're lucky), and THANK GOD FOR THAT. Otherwise, I'd still be crushing on Eddie Vedder, and no one needs that.

Imagine if it was the other way around: if you had a healthy outlook on food in high school and grew into the person who purged in abandoned parks. How sad would that be?

[stephanie]

I bet all those friends who were worried about you back in high school are going to be so thrilled to see how fabulous you are doing and looking now! Have fun at your reunion!

[Kerri Anne]

You are seriously amazing. (And lovely! A lovely that started on the inside and so radiates to the outside.) And I am so excited for you to rock this reunion, not because you have anything to prove to anyone else, but because you deserve to see how amazing and beautiful and awesome you are. Daily you deserve that. Because daily it's the truth.

[Lauren]

I think that you are amazing! You have accomplished so much. I can't wait to see you. You look great! I haven't lost all the weight I wanted for this but I'm okay with it. I'm going the store tomorrow to find something to wear. If friday goes ok I'll go Saturday.

[Amanda Brown]

LOVED this! I have had similar eating issues when I was in high school too, and I am so happy for you (and us both) that those awful days are behind us and we've found strength and peace along the way, even if there's an extra ten pounds on our bodies. So worth it. And you are beautiful and strong and will knock their socks off at your reunion!

[agirlandaboy]

I love this. I love who you are, especially since you've worked so hard to become that person.