Keep Fighting

(I very nearly hit delete on this post that I wrote a little while ago because it's, well, it's so tough. The toughest thing I've written, maybe. I got a lot of strength and inspiration from this post I stumbled upon today by way of Elizabeth. Thanks to her and to the post writer. Thanks so much.)

***

The thing about eating disorders is that they never really go away.

The other day I stepped onto an elevator and caught the smell of the cologne my first boyfriend used to wear. After a brief moment where I mercilessly judged whatever professional was wearing Tommy cologne in 2012, I was instantly taken back to 1998, unexpectedly and without warning, and it was like one of those bad movie montages in my head. A good-and-bad highlight reel began playing and it's not that I really missed him or us (or ever really do) but memory just sort of works this way: one moment you're 30 and married and a mom and happy and stepping onto an elevator, thinking about an email you need to send or groceries you need to buy and the next moment you're 16 and dancing in a high school cafeteria and you can't help but think, I wonder if he ever catches my smell on an elevator? 

This is kind of how eating disorders work. You go months and months figuring shit out and losing weight by eating less and exercising more and rocking it and then one day you're walking down the hall to grab laundry or to check on your sleeping preschooler and something whispers, "eat something bad for you, keep eating until you hate yourself again," and you don't know how it happened, or how you lost control or even why (except that this is just how your brain defaults handling stress, without your consent), but the whispers, man, they sure seem to come out of nowhere sometimes.

I recently heard someone answer the question, "How is your eating disorder?" with "It's really loud right now," and I couldn't think of a better way to describe an eating disorder or (I'd guess) an addiction of any kind. Sometimes it's silent, but that doesn't mean it's gone. Other times, it can be all we hear. 

The last six months of 2011, despite working out regularly and with incredible dedication, I overate a lot, and I know that this is an eating disorder all its own. I know that this is bulimia without throwing up. I could list all the reasons this happens sometimes but it's not actually because of my job or my broken friendship with someone I thought would be there for me forever or my sometimes-fragmented-always-complicated relationship with my father. It's not really about any of that, although those triggers sure do contribute, it's just about my inability to handle life's stresses in a way that doesn't involve food. When stress is tossed my way, I stiffen externally and when the house is quiet and no one is looking, I break down, so to speak. I tip-toe into the kitchen and eat. Sometimes I eat a lot. 

I did this at 16 and 17 and 18 and 21 and 24 and 27 and while I haven't thrown up in so many years I can't quite remember exactly how many, I now realize that all this yo-yoing with my weight and my eating habits is still an eating disorder.

I want it not to be. I want all those reflective and introspective posts I've written before to be true, that I'm better, that I'm good, that I'm immune. This one in particular, and I felt so good when I wrote that. I was in such a good place that day. But I know that good periods come with bad, and I'm not immune to the lure of the whispers. I don't know if I'll ever be. I just need to figure out how to ignore them more consistently. Not just sometimes but most times.

I've become self-conscious to talk about exercise and eating here, two topics I kind of talk about a lot (remember when I was training for a half-marathon? Man, I did nothing but talk about exercise). It feels more "part of this crazy up and down pattern" than "being healthy." I fear you're all rolling your eyes because it sure can be annoying to live with such inconsistencies and I imagine at least partially annoying to hear about.

Just figure it out! I want to scream at myself and I assume some people want to scream at me. I'm 30! This is getting old.

I can't change that this is what it is, though. I'm exhausted that I'm still fighting this fight. I'm angry, too. I'm an adult, a wife, a mother, a professional. I should not still have food issues, but I do.  

So I keep fighting.

Exhausted just isn't an excuse to stop.

I keep saying that 2012 is my year, and it is. It's my year. It's my year to do so many things, I can't wait for you to see them all. I feel like I'm going to overcome a lot and conquer a lot and rock a lot and it's going to be grand. (It IS.) But, I think a big part of that is to take the next step in this fight and that's to make an appointment, finally, to see a therapist and maybe a nutritionist.

Then I think I'll make an appointment to take a really long nap. 

Comments

[Sharone]

I don't think anyone's rolling their eyes. I'm not. I think we all live this story of yo-yoing and sometimes being on and sometimes being off (way off), and maybe for some people it isn't food or weight or exercise (who are those people?), but it's something. And you telling your story gives other people the strength to tell theirs, or maybe just recognize theirs, one little candlelight flickering that will maybe for them one day become a great big electric chandelier after they learn to see the candlelight and not wince or try to snuff it out. I think maybe this metaphor got away from me, but I hope you know what I mean. You rock from your very core, and 2012 IS your year. :)

[Kathryn B]

You're awesome. You are not defined by your relationship with food or by your weight. NOT DEFINED BY IT.

We all have demons and disorders and obsessions, every one of us. I am proud you acknowledge yours. And once you feel like you can share wisdom about this journey of yours, think of all the people, all the young women, you can help. I know I will always struggle with body image, but I don't want my daughters to, and that shuts up more negative self-talk than I could have imagined.

You're awesome. Thanks for posting.

[Bubblymuppet]

Thanks for posting this. I battle with the whispers on a daily basis. It's nice to know I/you/we aren't alone.

[Elissa]

Thanks for sharing this Jennie. I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. I do think we all go through this in one way or another, but it takes real courage to face these things head on. Sending lots of love and best wishes as you tackle this.

[Kristabella]

Thank you for posting. You know why? Because I think a lot of us know exactly what you are talking about. And it is good to talk about it.

Bravo.

[Elizabeth]

Wasn't that blog post amazing? I am glad it resonated with you as well.

I am definitely not rolling my eyes. And I am always happy to hear your ups and downs and ins and outs and back and forths. I am sorry you're having a hard time, of course, but the real truth of what you are doing and how are you feeling is a million times more important to me than anything else.

And thank you for sharing this. I know that voice so well. SO WELL. I've never really thought about it before, as a voice, but it's there, even though mine whispers "This would be so much easier if you would just stop eating." and sometimes I listen to it even though I know I shouldn't.

I think probably you are never fixed from this, in some way, because you can quit booze or cocaine or hoarding or whatever, but you can't quit food. And so you have to learn to deal with it and I think some of us, myself included, will be learning that for the rest of our lives. I appreciate so much hearing about how you are doing with your journey, I really do.

[Janssen]

I love this post. I think we all fight our own demons, whether it's food or relationships or jealousy or whatever and the way you talk about this is just. . . profound. Thank you.

[ant_danielle]

I just read that blog post too - so amazing! And you are amazing, too. I know I've told you before what an inspiration you are to me in all your efforts to have an amazing life, and that's part of the deal...being REAL and TRUE, and I don't think anyone here will fault you for that. Sometimes I'll read someone's blog post or tweet that says something like "omg I ate 3 cookies today" and I want to say "talk to me after you've eaten the entire sleeve of Girl Scout shortbread cookies in about 10 minutes and you have to tell your boyfriend that you're too full and sick to eat dinner, and he looks at you like you're nuts. TALK TO ME THEN!" So it's nice to know that other people go through those things too (although, of course I would never wish such things on you or anyone else). It makes me feel less alone, and it just might remind me to take my head out of the potato chip bag next time I'm up to my ears in salt and grease.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Sending love your way.

[Kate]

It is so hard, isn't it, how it never truly goes away? It's always just kind of lurking, waiting for a crack to seep back in through. I am so proud of you for being brave enough to take the next step.

[Bobbi]

I have been fighting the same thing since my parents divorce. I never threw up but I am a binge eater. It is horrible.

[Danielle (elleinadspir)]

Thank you for posting such honest words and thoughts. Yes, 2012 will be your year! It will.

[Kate]

I think it's amazing that you have the courage to put this out there and share it. So many people are fighting this same demon, and no one is willing to own it and talk about it. To not talk about it makes it that much scarier, and gives the demon more power. Thank you for be willing to share this with us, and know that your words hit home with so many people, whether they admit it or not.

[Rebecca (Bearca)]

I love your honesty, your openness, but most of all YOU. We all have struggles, but sometimes just opening up and saying what they are makes us feel less alone. xoxo

[Ginger]

I keep trying to come up with all these profound and helpful things to say, but all that keeps coming to mind is Dorry:

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming Jennie, that's all you can do, and that's everything.

[Sarah Anne @ fear-no-food.net]

SURELY not rolling my eyes here. THank you, for posting something so honest for the world to see, for others who have the same whispers, the same struggles and the same exhaustion and frustration to say - it isn't just me. I'm one.

Thank you. This is your year, but it's also your year to be kind to yourself. Thank you for sharing.

[Hillary]

Posts like this are one of the reason's I read your blog. You are honest and truthful, and you express so many things that most everyone else doesn't. But we all feel it, in one way or another. Thank you for this.

[Natalie]

You are very brave!

[carrie]

awesome post, jennie. it's so hard to know how to enjoy and love food without it becoming a crutch, a comfort, a codependent. i grew up rewarding myself with food and when i'm stressed out i still do it. "i deserve this cookie" or "whatever, i had a long day, i'm eating ice cream." and it feels normal, but it's not normal. thank you thank you.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I think a lot of us hear those whispers, even if the whispers aren't saying the same words. And reading about it, knowing it happens to others, knowing that the fight is exhausting for you but you choose to keep fighting anyway... well, it allows me to take a deep invigorating breath, square my shoulders and know I can keep moving forward too.

Thank you for posting this.

[Holley]

I don't think anyone is "screaming" anything at you. I enjoy your honesty and ability to be vulnerable. I find you inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

[LizScott]

I'm not rolling my eyes. Blogging is about sharing your life. This is your life.

My 16 year old cousin is currently struggling with eating disorders.I wish so very very much that she could be where you are right now, because the sense of awareness and desire for your life are missing for her. You think you should be over it because you're 30; god I just want her to want to GET to 30.

Tangent. Sorry. I guess my (unrelated) points are: there's no sense in blogging if you can't talk about what's going on, and there's reason to be ashamed of the whispers, as long as you know what they are- and what they aren't.

[jodifur]

I've struggled on and off with an eating disorder. i'm struggling again, I know I am, I hear it in my head, not being thin enough, not being good enough. I know even where it is coming from, and I can't make it stop.

Thank you for this post. I had to read it three times before I could even comment. I'm not sure what to say other than thank you.

[Julie]

You are a warrior, pure and simple. And you are amazing.

You also have a lot of support, and I hope I am a part of that. Whatever you need, I'm here for you.

[Maggie]

The "you are 30! enough!" voice is in my head ALL THE TIME. All the damn time. (Only it's 32. Alas.)

I've recently begun to think it will always be there, in some form. "I'm 57! Enough already!" But hopefully not? Sigh.

[natalie]

You are brave, and thoughtful, and admirable. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself; it makes all of us feel less alone.

[Christina]

This is exactly what I do. As soon as something is less than perfect I eat. I get overwhelmed, happy, anxious, scared, nervous, any emotion has me stuffing it down, deeper and deeper until I can't wear my jeans.
I've done this as long as I can remember, super healty, I feel GREAT, I've GOT THIS! To face first off the wagon. Up and down and in and out and I am so good at beating myself up. My therapist says I'm punishing myself, I'm NOT perfect so I will not allow myself to appear perfect. And that is why I do it. In a way, it's exactly right. I'm fucking up right now, may as well just stand in the pantry and add this to the list of shit I've lost control of. Why hate one thing when I can hate MYSELF, too. I mean, how gratifying. It is a vicious and self abusive cycle and at 34, I'm no where near tackling it. Not even close. I don't know if I will ever be done with it, I can just hope that seeing the triggers and trying to be mindful will help. Cause, lets be honest, when it's 10 outside, your kid has a fever and you can't get to the gym, the last thing I want is a god damned salad. I want warm carbs followed by warm chocolate. I love you- keep fighting.

[Sarah Lena]

Kim (Miss Zoot) and I talk about this a lot. We both binge. A lot. And it is truly an addiction. It's what I've heard referred to as a "soft addiction", but MY GOD, it is an addiction.

Not only are we NOT rolling our eyes while reading this, Jennie, we are all sending you a virtual high-five.

[A'Dell]

Almost constantly, I feel at odds with this idea that whatever I'm doing isn't good enough and if I could just find the reserves to Do It Better Dammit then my life would somehow improve by a miraculous amount. I think this about almost every facet of my life and while I know that it's not actually TRUE, I am pretty good about giving myself a lot of shit over it.

It's hard for me to remember that this life isn't something I'll figure out by 25, 30, 35 or 40. It's always a work in progress, always has room to improve, always has old crap sneaking up on me to ruin some days. And, it's hard to accept that maybe some shit WON'T get figured out, EVER. It's so opposite to everything our generation has been taught. We're problem-solvers! We don't accept less than perfect!

All of that to say no eye-rolls over here, ever.

[Elsha]

Thank you for this post. I have a good friend who has struggled with an eating disorder, so I appreciate anything that helps me understand what exactly it is that she has struggled (and maybe still struggles) with.

[elz]

I hope you finds something that works for you to stop the cycle. I'm fortunate not to have to deal with an eating disorder, but I know many who do and it is really a daily battle. (Even after therapy or hospitalization.) Good luck.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I would never, ever roll my eyes when you write about this stuff. Not ever.

Thank you for writing so honestly about your struggles. I think it's like this for many of us recovering disordered eaters, and for me, it ties into the same thoughts that A'Dell was outlining above. One of my close girlfriends (an RD/PhD) works with and does research on girls/women with eating disorders and it's often high achievers who are longing for some semblance of order and control, to 'get it right'. You probably knew that, but hearing it was such an eye opener for me.

Anyway, I think that you are amazing, a total force to be reckoned with. I cannot wait to hear about your triumphant 2012 as it unfolds. I'll be cheering and sending lots of virtual hugs from north of the border. xo

[Alicia]

Thank you for not hitting delete! :)

[A]

Thanks for sharing this.

I think you would be surprised just how many people go through something very similar. You are not alone.

[Heater]

I just want to hug you right now. I have 100% confidence that you WILL find that balance, and you WILL triumph.

[Jen]

I owe you a big hug (and a thank you note, but that's besides the point so we'll ignore that). But so much of this rings true and I'm only sorry that you were feeling any sort of stress about posting it. I think every woman that reads this will find a little bit of herself in it because I can't think of a single friend or acquaintance of mine that doesn't struggle in some way with food/eating. We grew up in a totally screwed up society where you're supposed to eat a lot and enjoy food, yet also be anorexically thin like the celebrities (especially as a woman, the double standard is killer). I think there are far more of us that have had these types of feelings and experiences than any of us realize. It only takes one person mentioning it to open up the discussion and we can all participate in it because we've pretty much all been there/are there.

You'll accomplish this goal too, I have so much faith in you. And there are a lot of us that are on the exact same journey standing alongside you.

[Anne]

I've never rolled my eyes at ANYTHING you've said or written.
I wish you all the best in finding both a therapist and a nutritionist to help you - they've helped me. But it is still a struggle (mine sounds pretty exactly matched to yours, from what I know), and probably always will be to some degree. Right now I have the super-motivation of being pregnant and really, really, really needing to eat properly for the benefit of a life other than my own, and it's STILL hard. But you're strong, you can keep fighting, I know it.
(And if you have trouble finding a nutritionist, mine, who also happens to be one of my very best friends, would totally see you over Skype or phone if you wanted. She's awesome.)

[Brooke]

Jennie, I've been a reader for a while but this is my first comment. I just need to say Thank You. You have no idea what reading this means to me today. I know you often say you want to help people and today, you've helped me. Just from some words I read from someone I don't know, I feel a bit better and stronger.

[Lindsay]

Thank you for being so honest and so authentic, and for sharing your struggles along with your successes. This post is amazing.

[Jen]

Food is such a complicated relationship sometimes. I've never struggled to the levels you describe, but I know without a doubt that I use it as a reward system. Survived a shitty day? EAT A GIANT BOWL OF PASTA. WITH BUTTER. AND THEN SOME ICE CREAM. YOU DESERVE IT! Then the guilt sets in... and I feel defeated before I even start, so I just eat more because why not? What's the point?

You are not odd or weird or a failure or wrong. You are normal. And beautiful. And you RAN THIRTEEN MILES, GIRL. xoxo

[Erica Huff]

That's interesting, I also feel like my phases of being "super healthy" with eating and exercise are really just a replacement compulsion for more destructive behavior. Also, posts like this make me feel like kind of a coward for writing everything through a joke-filter.

[Sarah C.]

Thank you for writing this. Your honesty is admirable and you explain it all so well. Just, thank you.

[bessie.viola]

Definitely not rolling my eyes. I am well familiar with that voice, although mine speaks more along the lines of "Just go ahead and eat whatever because you'll never be able to do it anyway, you're always going to be too big." Thank you for sharing your voice - it helps to know that I'm not alone. I've been eating well and working out so far this year (ha! January!) and it's a fight most days.

I like the idea of appointments for naps. Listening to yourself... that's a good idea.

[Ashley]

Thank you for this.

[Miriel]

Counseling was THE THING that helped me bust through some of this stuff. You go, girl. Love, love, love, love, love to you. xo.

[Lauren]

You are so brave for writing this. I hope you know how many people you have helped with just this post. Food has always been a comfort for me. It has been horrible. It didn't start till my parents divorce but even as an adult it is a struggle. You are an amazing person and I'm so glad to know you.

[hillary]

"Just figure it out! I want to scream at myself and I assume some people want to scream at me. I'm 30! This is getting old."
Nope nope, not even a little. It's not getting old. It's you. It's your fight. In the midst of my crazy, someone left a comment on my blog that said something along the lines of "think of your mental health the same way as your physical health - you don't decide to get fit and wake up the next day with rock hard abs. It's a process." It was kind of an aha! moment for me. Acknowledging that you have work to do is the first step. You didn't wake up the day before your half marathon and decide to run. You decided many many months before. And you worked hard, every day, to get there. This is just the beginning of your training. You're training to be a healthy eater. Good for you for taking the first step! I know you can do it. Holy balls, do I ever. I honestly tell myself to be a little more Jennie sometimes. xo

[Rebecca]

Yes. Me too. Me too. Yes. Thank you.