She Likes Purple

Aggieland Sneak Peek

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We took a less-than-24-hour whirlwind trip to College Station this weekend, but it was so, so nice. Thanks to A'Dell for putting us up for the night and to her family for being so welcoming and warm. 

My family is swell.

More pictures.

August Recap

First, a question:

HOW THE HELL IS IT SEPTEMBER?

It's all a bit mind-boggling, that we have a mere four months left until a whole new year. That means Halloween is right around the corner, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, THEN 2011, HOLY SHIT.

But, for now, August.

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This past month I started regularly doing two things I haven't done in as long as I can recall: going to sleep at a reasonable hour and reading.

I've been offline in the evenings just as often as I've been on and let me tell you, as much as I love the internet, there's nothing quite as nice or as vital to one's peace of mind as a good book and an early bedtime.

(Unless that good book keeps you up until 1:30, I'M LOOKING AT YOU HUNGER GAMES.)

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This month we also didn't eat out (for the most part) and, hey, we didn't die! We made a few exceptions, which I was fine with, but for the most part we ate all our meals from our own kitchen. It basically confirmed something I already knew: we spend entirely too much money on unnecessary meals. 

I'm going to try very, very hard to bring my lunch to work every day and to limit eating out to the weekends, for date nights or special family outings.

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I've lost 31 pounds this year and have 17 more to go. It feels as if the weight is falling off ever-so slowly and that I'll never reach my goal. It's hard to keep perspective when you plateau, you know?

But, there's this: I enjoy food, I enjoy cooking (here's my September menu, if you care about that kind of thing), I enjoy running. Those are three brand-new things for me. It's hard to say I ever really enjoyed food before, not when there was so much fucked-up guilty aftermath that went along with it.

But, I no longer view food as a crutch or my particular form of self-medication. I feel I've done more for my family in terms of taking care of them and providing meals for them this year than all other years combined, and I feel I've done more for myself this year, as well.

I'm not there yet, no, and that's just frustrating, no way around it. To be close but not quite there.

But I'll get there.

When I do, drinks for everyone!

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Style Lush continues to blow my mind. The content is just hands-down incredible. We consistently have great giveaways and fun features and the most talented DIYers I know.

Make no mistake, I am not one of them. I just organize all that talent in one place while contributing very little of it.

(Oh, and our one-year anniversary is in October. I'm lining up some great giveaways for that week. If you have a shop or store or hidden talent and want to contribute to a giveaway that week, let me know.) 

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This month I also: saw Greenday in concert, had a fancy date night with my husband, threw a party, and went to BlogHer.

Phew. Maybe it was less of a low-key month than I thought.

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Then there's Kyle.

Oh Kyle.

18 months has been, for us, just blissful. (Now 14-15 months was not.) He understands so much, and is so easy to talk to and get through to, and while he's doing all that BEING-A-REAL-PERSON shit, he's still a baby. There's chub, everywhere, and he's still toddling around in diapers and a little wobbly, and so soft and sweet. 

(Although 18 months did bring the toddler feet of doom. THEY SMELL OF DEATH AND ROT.)

He holds my hand, without me asking him to, and while the tantrums are brutal, they're also quick. 

He's talking more, he's laughing more, he's dancing more, he's just more, while still being so little.

He has a sense of humor and while it's a little, uh, strange -- he thinks it's HILARIOUS when we sneeze -- making him laugh has got to be the best thing on the planet. Sorry, boss, can I just quit my job and make my kid laugh for  a living because I appear to be awesome at it?

Every stage is so fleeting, so hard to remember without the help of a blog, so full of highs and lows that if you sit around think about it for very long, you can't help but cry. It's cruel, the way we are given these gifts only to have them morph into something else entirely so soon, but it's so beautiful that they're replaced with something even more amazing.

Missing who he was before is like missing a light while I live with the sun.

 

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September holds: Kyle's first college football game, my first 10K (and lunch with Natalie), our nephew's birthday party, another birthday party, a handful of other birthdays, and the end of summer. NOT SUMMER TEMPERATURES, THOUGH, OH NO. Texas is an overachiever when it comes to being stupid.

What are you looking forward to this month?

20 Fun Things About BlogHer '10

1. My roommate.

2. Meeting Padma Lakshmi. Although I was eating turkey sausage on a stick right beforehand, which Jonna made me stick in her purse. "WE CANNOT MEET HER WHILE EATING SAUSAGE."

3. The Style Lush happy hour. We're just so proud of that site of ours, and it was fun sharing that happiness with some great supporters and friends. (Laurie & Sara, I still owe you a drink!)

4. Getting multiple noise violations for merely talking. Jonna and I are just that badass.

5. Alexa's book party because of 1) Alexa, 2) Alexa's beautiful, exquisite, poetic book Half Baked, 3) CUPCAKES!, 4) wine, 5) the balcony with a serious view, and 5) every single person there, and 6) everything else about it.

6. Meeting Meredith. I turned to her at one point and said, "I just met you the other day but it feels as if I've known you for years." She's calming and smart and classy and she also has the most beautiful and well-behaved baby there ever was.

7. Having dinner with Maura, Kristie, and Jess at Casellula. The adobo chicken wings were as unbelievable as the conversation.

8. Sitting in the hotel bar until 2 am talking to Meagan about creating the life and job you want. Also, she's smoking hot.

9. Champagne! (Although I'd have much preferred if it hadn't been $14 a glass, my god.)

10. Talking about babies with Jonna and Holly for a good hour or so. Holly didn't run away screaming, so I now have even more respect for her than I did before.

11. Sipping drinks and talking fitness, health, and life with Jonna, Kristin, and Kristin's boyfriend Corey until the bartender pulled out the vacuum and turned the bar lights up.

12. Meeting: Sara (she's supermodel pretty, people), Kate (as is she), Alana (who I instantly loved), Anna (she doesn't bite in person, turns out), Linda (fucking hilarious), TwoBusy (he handled all us crazy women quite well, I'd say), Jodi (finally we met!), Sam (so adorable!), Pocklock (she looks damn fantastic for being 30 weeks pregnant), The New Girl (hilarious), Katie (so smart), Yvonne (one of the nicest people I met), Leah (beautiful, inside and out), Tracey (I worked for her for years and was still a bit starstruck), Amy (stunning), Miss Banshee, Amber (both were just so damn kind and nice and looked amazing), Palinode (not surprisingly well-spoken but also really wonderful and warm), Schmutzie (as was she), Annabelle (oh, just amazing), Jen L. (her personality was contagious) and Sarah (so sweet).

(And saw some fun people again: Metalia, Slynnro, Ali, Kristin, Regan, Katie (all too briefly!).

13. The sausage on a stick I mentioned above. It was surprisingly delicious.

14. Nearly flooding our hotel room an hour after arriving. We were steaming some of our clothes via shower steam and somehow the tub got plugged. Five minutes longer and we'd have some mighty serious explaining to do to the front desk. And possibly the floor below us.

15. Paying for panels but not attending a single one. (Okay, that's not fun as much as it is lazy.)

16. Speaking of, sleeping in until almost 10 a.m. each morning. 

17. The art gala where I got to see Natalie's beautiful photo featured (and Laurie's too).

18. Being pleasantly surprised by 99% of the people in attendance. Seriously, people were just nice and kind and willing to shake my hand or hug hello no matter my stats or shoes.

19. Two crab cake sandwiches in four days. Scale, go easy on me tomorrow.

20. The sweaty walk we took around Central Park. It's Central Park, you walk without complaint, am I right?

BlogHer was clearly incredible.

It got me thinking.

One day I'll hand the keys of this site over to my son and it will all be his. While I'm sure some words will straight-up humiliate him, I'm also sure some won't. I write for the part that won't. I write for those words -- however few they may actually total up to be -- that may help him, save him, make him feel understood, make him feel warm, make him laugh, even.

The beautiful thing about blogging is that your readers' words live on, too. So, one day I will gift these hundreds of posts to Kyle, and along with my words, I'll give him yours. 

I may have been a little nervous going into a weekend like BlogHer because of my stats or traffic or (lack of) business cards or any number of stupid fears that bubble up when popularity is involved, but those fears melted almost instantly.

Because I now get to say to him one day that you're all just as loving and supportive and selfless as he'll think you to be.

Thank you for being just as funny, kind, decent, and smart as I thought you'd be. I have friends in all corners of the world. That's a beautiful thing indeed.

Pictures here.

July Recap

July was batshit insane.

Which is par for the course with us.

(Seems I kind of like it that way. Mike wishes I didn't.)

I flew to Portland. I flew to San Diego. I squeezed in some runs where I could. I lost a writing gig. I gained perspective. I connected, I ate, I lounged on the couch and watched old Veronica Mars episodes and new True Blood ones.

I played with my son. (And finally cut his too-long hair.)

I sipped wine under the hot sun and held my husband's hand.

I realized that true friends leave out guilt from conversations and they instead insist on encouragement. (I guess learning this at 28 is better than learning it at 29 or any year thereafter.)

Molly turned seven, and she's still our favorite dog on earth. (She's Kyle's favorite anything on earth.)

I have big plans for August and those plans include slowing the hell down (right after I take a quick trip to NYC for BlogHer). I'll also be taking Kyle to swim lessons, organizing my kitchen, cooking at home way more than I did in July (since we're not eating out this month), putting my feelers out for a new writing gig I can be passionate about, and running as often as I can since my 10K is next month.

Maybe we'll throw a party. Maybe we won't.

Some other things I'd like to do: finally learn to poach a damn egg, go to a concert, not melt into a puddle during Texas' hottest month, read three books, bake, dance with Kyle, and kiss my husband for no reason other than I still like kissing him.

Kyle's a dream, my husband's such a decent human being I'm constantly inspired by him, my house is usually in shambles but it's still a pretty happy place to be, and I am thankful everyday for air conditioning, my son's grandparents, Netflix, and the Food Network.

Life is sweet.

Here's to August.

We're really good at reading menus, though.

While talking on the phone with my sister, her stove started beeping.

Rachel: Hey, Noah, go tell Dad the stove is beeping. (To me) Something's up with the stove, it's beeping.

Jennie: Uh. Is it dinner?

Rachel: Yeah, something like that.

Jennie: That may mean it's done.

Rachel: Maybe.

Jennie: You could look and see.

Rachel: Yeah, but I didn't put it in, so...

Jennie: Rachel, you can't think that's how dinner works? Whoever puts it in the oven has to take it out?

Rachel: Oh, I don't know.

Jennie: Rachel! Take it out of the oven!

Rachel: God, fine. But, I think the person who starts dinner really should finish it.

This story combined with that time I forgot to boil the noodles when I attempted to make Mike baked ziti when we first started dating, and you might not be too shocked to know we didn't cook much as kids.

To carry me through

I was without Kyle in Portland, so I tried to step up and help with Cherie's twins. I even picked them both up at one point because they wanted me to, and I'll be damned if I won't prove how good I can multi-task if you challenge me.

Post-nap, pre-diaper change one day, I had Dane on the changing table and Cherie said, "Have you always been maternal? Or did it come with Kyle?"

"Uh ... I dunno."

"You're good with the boys. Really good."

"I was a preschool teacher and a nanny but you feel you gain some credibility when you have your own, I guess?"

"I'm surprised, a little."

"What?"

"That you're so good at it. You're tough, you're on top of it, you're good."

"Mike thought I'd be a doormat too, that I'd let Kyle get away with everything and be soft and ... "

"You're not. I'm really impressed."

"Thank you, Cherie."

Later that trip she told me she doesn't like to give away compliments easily, which makes sense since some of the best things I've ever heard have come from her.

She's like Mike in that way. They don't compliment often or easily so when they do, you feel it. It stays with you. You carry it to get you through the internet trolls and the bad work reviews and the mean customer service reps.

Some people's words carry you through.

Some people like her.

More about Cherie (and what she can do for you)

My trip to Portland (I leave tomorrow) hasn't been all carbs and champagne. Cherie is one of the most ambitious people I know, so while I've been here, we've spent a nice chunk of time hanging out in her office, plotting how to take over the world.

Or, more specifically, we've been chatting about her start-up web design and marketing company, C*Squared Associates.

I know Cherie's talented, but I had no idea how far she had come in the last couple years. She whipped up a new banner for my site in no time, and she helped me with a couple other projects I had on my plate. 

Because I not only adore Cherie, I also truly and wholeheartedly believe in her, I'd love for you to check out her site and her work, and if you need a blog banner, a sidebar graphic, a Twitter background, or a complete site redesign, even, please hire her.

And if you're in the Portland area, call her. There's no better person to talk creativity and life with over a glass of something bubbly.

(I'm back home tomorrow, and that's probably best since my waistline can't take one more day of eating Portland's fine foods and my heart can't take one more day being away from my boys.)

Blog crushes

I also got to meet Manda of Mandajuice fame while in Portland this weekend. She was a refreshing reminder that sometimes someone can be as awesome offline as they are online.

As were Kerri, Blythe (who has found The Fountain of Youth, good god), and Rhiannon. The conversation was just so easy among us. Man, I love when the conversation is easy.

Portland sunset

Sometimes you don't know your soul needs a little healing until it's healed.

My husband is a sneaky man

I worked late tonight and had to stop for a couple groceries on the way home, and when I finally barged through the door, tired and stressed, Kyle greeted me. Oh, that's a nice way to melt the stress, let me tell you.

I lifted him up and carried him to the kitchen, and he gave me loads of kisses. I unloaded the groceries while holding him because moms can multi-task like you wouldn't believe. Then, I decided to put the empty paper bag on his head (I'm weird, what of it?), when Mike walked in the kitchen, smirking.

"I have a surprise."

"Yeah, what?"

I was still playing with Kyle, a paper bag on his head, a red pepper in my hand that I hadn't put up yet, when Mike showed me an airline ticket.

"What the fuck is that?"

(I have GOT to work on my child-friendly vocabulary.)

"You're going to see Cherie."

AN AIRLINE TICKET. TO SEE MY FRIEND CHERIE IN PORTLAND, AND MY KEYBOARD IS NOT BROKEN, I'M JUST THIS EXCITED.

Cherie and I went to college together and then she fell in love and moved away and just search her name on this site, I've written at length about her. She's post worthy, most definitely.

Oh, I just can't wait to see her.

And loads of other bloggers who are in Portland. When I texted Cherie to see if she'd be down for a blogger dinner, my phone auto-corrected it to "loggers." When I corrected it, she wrote back and said, "damn, I was excited about the ax-man dinner."

She's awesome.

But you know who else is awesome? That sneaky husband of mine.

Search his name and see how much I like him. He's likable, he's way more than likable but no one wants to hear all that mush.

Let's just say I'm so happy right now, and it's all because of him. Baby, it's so often all because of you.

June recap: The month of a million firsts and a million degrees

(Hey, if you want, you can check out my recaps for January, February, March, April, and May. Not sure why you'd want to, but there are the links for easy clicking.)

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Other than the temperature outside (balls hot), June's been pretty nice to us. Man, I hope this isn't an ebbs and flows kind of thing because I'd like July to be nice, too. And every month after that. AM NOT GREEDY, SHUSH.

Anyway, let's get to recapping, yo!

First, my ass. Why not start there? It's shrunk! A little! If you're following along with my weight-loss calendar at The Stir, you know I've officially lost 28 pounds since January 1st and have about 20 left to lose. I've given myself a goal end date of January 1, 2011. Six more months to go!

I also ran 25 miles this month, and that proves I can technically run a marathon. As long as the volunteers don't mind moving to the event site for a month.

I've said this before, I'm sure, but man I enjoy running. More than I ever thought I would or could, and it's officially become my go-to exercise of choice.

I still want to do more, though, and I wrote this post of 5 activities I'd (eventually) like to try/sign-up for. I'm not kidding about ballet, either.

***

This month we also did a few things for the first time. We went to the Dallas Farmers Market, which we were blown away by. We also took Kyle to Sea World, which was magical. (It also made me excited to take him to Disney World one day.) And Mike and I took a sushi cooking class, which was something I've always wanted to do. (Sushi pictures!)

When Mike and I first started dating, we used to excitedly announce when something was the first thing. The first time we walked to class together, first movie date, first road trip, our first fight, even. Eventually all those firsts faded because after 6 years together, it can feel like you've done all there is to do.

It's nice to remind ourselves that there's still a world of firsts for us to experience together.

***

Oh, and Mike got in a motorcycle accident. That part of the month sucked ass, but he's okay! He's in one piece! We're practicing gratitude instead of panicky, motorcycles-are-death-mobiles sentiments.

(I don't think that, by the way, no matter how shaken his accident might have made me.)

***

I'm also enjoying my Real Marriages series, especially since I've had some amazing guest posts (and more to come) and spotlighted some stunning posts elsewhere. In the coming weeks, we're going to tackle how couples fight, in-law fun, and who handles the finances and why.

If you want to see a topic covered, comment or email. I'd love to hear what you'd love to hear.

***

I also have loads to say about some other topics: updates on our budget, updates on meal planning and grocery shopping, some thoughts on friendship, too. If you care about those things, I'll be writing on them soon.

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Then there's Kyle.

He's both the most stunning, inspiring, hilarious human being I've ever known and the reason I have sprouted gray hair recently.

He is either driving me mad or making me look up how much a pony would cost because HE SO DESERVES A PONY.

He's saying some words (flower, outside, duck, water, thank you), but he's not saying enough to alleviate how frustrated he gets when he wants me to understand something he's trying to express, and since I don't speak whacked-out toddler, I look at him with a confused expression a lot. I imagine your own mother not understanding what you need and want would drive you to shriek at the top of your lungs. Scratch that, I don't imagine, I know because THAT'S WHAT HE DOES. THAT IS A FACT.

The timeouts, they have begun.

But he hugs and kisses when you request one of either. He knows how to "be gentle" and he's working on that with Molly. He holds my hand when I request him to, as we walk to the mail box each evening. He waves "hello!" to everyone he sees, and he just learned the itsy-bitsy spider in class the other day, which is really just him smashing his fingers together.

He rarely sits still, but he can spend a half hour just looking at one book, over and over. He knows where the birds and horses and cows are in his favorite book. He is nearly obsessed with ladybugs. He thinks playing tug of war is hilarious, HE CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.

He is starting to prefer me to almost anyone, except both his grandmas. He nearly pushes me out the door when either of them are around. PEACE MOM, WE'RE GOOD, BYE NOW.

He loves motorcycles (hold me) and he does vroom noises when he sees them.

Being his mother kicks ass. Sometimes it kicks my own ass, but mostly it's just this awesome, fun ride I get to be on every single day.

***

Lord, this is long.

***

July is going to be crazy. We have family in town for July 4th, and we'll see how Kyle does at his first fireworks display. We have a few fun date nights planned. I have a work trip to San Diego. And I am determined to lose a few more pounds, learn how to poach an egg, and read a couple books.

What do you have planned for July? And how was your June. (I genuinely like to hear, so share.)

Sea World sneak peek

We visited some family this past weekend and that visit included a trip to Sea World.

I used to pity families I'd see carrying three bags, a stroller, and a screeching baby around a steaming hot amusement park. Why would anyone pay for that kind of torture when you could stay home, not carry a thing, and lock the baby in a padded room?

I thought parents were insane.

Then, this weekend, a killer whale jumped out of the water mid-afternoon and my son started clapping, unprompted, before anyone else around us. It was instinctual, and it was amazing.

We had so much fun, I can't believe the same boy we hung out with all weekend was the same boy I was wringing my hands over last week.

It was hot and tiring, and Kyle didn't get a nap the whole day and my feet hurt and we paid $8 for a salad that was truly disgusting. And that was the cheapest part of the day.

And I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Parents really are insane.

I hope your weekend was as magical as ours.

(Here are more pictures from the weekend, but you must be a flickr friend to view.)

Good things

I had dinner with some friends Saturday night, and it was one of those magical nights when you can talk about everything on your mind without worrying about judgment or confused glances.

We talked about legalizing marijuana and foie gras and champagne and European vacations and sex shows and why men are allergic to the dishes. We laughed and shared wine, and it was perfect.

I left feeling more whole than when I got there.

That's the sign of a good night.

***

Half-way through dinner Mike sent me a text, "Our son is dipping his fries in ketchup and licking it off."

A few moments later, "He's still licking the ketchup but now he's using his fingers."

***

Friday night Mike and I went to dinner and our waiter was fantastic, even on a busy Friday night in a chain restaurant. He had our drinks filled before we took our last sip, he was funny but not obnoxious.

We called the manager over before we left to compliment the service, and his face lit up.

"I like getting called over for reasons like this."

We left feeling full and happy.

***

Mike had a motorcycle track day yesterday, so he was gone from sun up to sun down. I had plans to clean the house, top to bottom. I didn't. Instead, Kyle and I laid in bed together, took naps, read lots and lots of books and watched House Hunters. We went outside to look at bugs and we ate cheese quesadillas for lunch with a cookie chaser.

It was the laziest day we'd had in months.

There's still lots of laundry, but it's just laundry, right? We can do laundry any old day.

***

I'm cooking dinner for a friend this weekend who's been out of town for ages, and who I've missed a lot. We may even squeeze in a movie, if we're feeling crazy.

***

I got an email this morning from a new mom, thanking me for my blog archives. I promised myself I'd never lie about my parenting experience because if there was just one person who felt less alone because of something I went through, it would make telling the internet all about my life completely and totally worth it.

I teared up as I read her email.

In a good way. 

***

Mike got home exhausted last night and even though my plans were to continue being lazy, I decided to make him dinner instead. My instinct was to tell him to have a bowl of cereal, I was tired and needed to write some, but instead I shooed him out of the kitchen and made him his recent favorite, this buffalo chicken pizza from Vanilla Kitchen. I even did the dishes afterward.

He sleepily said, as he was walking out, "I have the best wife."

The exhaustion is worth hearing that, let me tell you.

***

Kyle hugs now. Briefly, before he's off again to scale the walls or pull Molly's tail. He also blows on his food if it's too hot and he signs thank you and please, even though I didn't teach him either of those things, come on you know me better than that. When I ask him to "jump!" he lifts one leg and then the other over and over and he spent, no lie, a half an hour yesterday looking through our honeymoon photo book, pointing at Mike in each picture, worriedly asking, "Dad? Dad?" Like, how the fuck did he get in this book? CAN HE GET OUT, OMG?

Although we're not planning to have another, at least not for some time, I look at him each day and think, another of you wouldn't be so bad.

***

I sat down to write about this one bad thing that kept me fairly distracted last week, this one bad thing that kept me awake and worried and sad.

Instead, I wrote all this.

All these good things.

Real Marriages: Gracefully Handling Exes

When it comes to relationships I tend not to care about a variety of things some might. Like strip clubs or porn or guy's weekends in Vegas.

(Yep, just said porn.)

(Hi, mom!)

When it comes to things like that, they're not issues until they're issues, you know?

I've been to more strip clubs than Mike has in the last six years, so strip clubs are not a recurring problem for us, and if something isn't a problem, why make it into one? I'll reserve my fighting energy for the real issues: HOW IS IT SO EASY FOR HIM TO JUST IGNORE A SINK FULL OF DISHES?

Ahem.

I also tend to think if a stripper is threatening your marriage, there might be a few (dozen) conversations you need to have.

All that said, I (now) look at exes similarly: they're not really an issue unless they're an issue.

Mike's lucky in that I am a horrible breaker-upper-type person. Back in the day, I would just stop calling the guys I was dating or I'd get really mature and have my friends do the dirty work for me (horrible, I know). I burned a lot of bridges in my day, and when I wasn't lighting the match, karma was kicking me in the ass when other boyfriends left me at bars or broke up with me via email or pretended I didn't exist in public (oh, that's a doozy of a story, trust me).

But, Mike came into our relationship with exes who were still in the picture, exes of many, many years and many, many feelings and it was a huge area of insecurity for me for so long, it's a wonder Mike and I ever made it through all that. He never did anything inappropriate, truly, but back then the train-wreck of my previous relationships was making me irrationally crazy and I simply didn't give him an ounce of credit. I'll always be sorry for that.

So, he had exes who called him and who he called and it all drove me batshit insane.

Then things got really weird when I decided, fuck it, I'm going to take charge of a few things in my life and stop letting insanity take up shop in my head. I reached out to Kristie, one of his ex-girlfriends, and became friends with her. Not in a day's time, of course, but over four years later, she's still a great friend.

See, your gut knows when an ex-girlfriend is an issue and it knows when it's not, and although I think it's our natural instinct to distrust anyone our husbands/boyfriends/partners used to be involved with, I think you can (should?) choose not to make a thing out of something unless it's clear there's a thing to be made.

Listen to your gut. It's smart.

We're friends with another ex-girlfriend of Mike's. She just had a baby, and I was sincerely happy for her and sent her a little something because she's always been lovely to me, and showing loveliness to people who are lovely to me is one way I'm righting all that shitty karma I have leftover from college.

Now, I'm not all cool-as-a-cucumber when it comes to the opposite sex, oh no, and if Mike is reading this, he just laughed. He just laughed OUT LOUD even. See, I don't always listen to my gut. Sometimes I listen to the weird, insecurity gene that makes me wonder if that cute girl he works with is cuter than me. I wonder if he ever wonders about his other exes. I ask for reassurance when I know I don't really need it. I don't know if some of that will ever fully go away.

But when it's really quiet, and I'm being really straight with myself, I have to admit that if someone else (from his past or present) comes in and wrecks our marriage, our marriage should have been stronger.

You can tell your spouse not to do a million things in order to prevent your marriage from falling apart, but I've found (through an embarrassing amount of trial and error) that happy marriages weren't created through rules and tight leashes and jealous outbursts.

The greatest gift I've ever given my marriage is my faith in it.

***

I'm curious to hear how you've handled exes in your relationships, though. Share as much as you'd like below.

A long overdue thank you

I sat down last night and wrote a thank-you note to someone who showed me kindness well over a year ago. It was so overdue, I fear she won't even know what the hell I'm talking about when she gets it.

But, she needs to know what she did mattered (still matters, even), and I need to remember there is not a statue of limitations on being grateful or for thanking someone.

***

When I created my 2010 to-do list, I wasn't creating a big picture life list or a want-to-roam-with-tigers-in-wherever-tigers-live dream travel list because I've done that before (in college, in fact) and that list is in a box somewhere, very dusty. I can't tell you a single thing that was on it.

Although I think there might have been a bullet about dating a boy in a band.

Dreaming is good, guys, no one believes that more than me. I can dream up a helluva life, let me tell you, and I change my mind about my own life on a daily basis because of that little bitty dreamer chip in my brain. Let's live in Alaska! Let's start a running club! Let's have regular dinner parties! Let's remodel the bathroom!

I am utterly exhausting to be married to. Or to know.

(I've felt badly for any regular readers more than once for having to keep track of all the dreams I dream up.)

Anyway, I created my to-do list to center myself, to focus on very small things I was continually letting get away from me because I was too busy watching The Bachelor or napping or eating every pizza in a three-mile radius.

More than anything, though, I wanted to create this list so I could be more aware of what my life was becoming, who I was becoming. Did I want to be a runner? Then I'd need to run. Did I want to read more? Then I'd need to pick up some damn books.

I spent all of 2009 in what felt like a very carb-lined fog, and I just wanted to wake up.

I'm a Capricorn, so I made a list.

***

A friend came over more than a year ago and showed me kindness and generosity and I never properly thanked her, and it was time to. It was far past time to, in fact. And although running a 5K was pretty spectacular and throwing a birthday party for Kyle was really important to me, and I'll always be glad I did it, writing that thank-you note was one of the most important things I've ever done.

And it wasn't on any list.

You should write books and blogs and life lists to remember, to record, to collect, to focus, but you should never create a life just to have something to write about.

Trust me, the living is always more important.

May recap

What a crazy-ass month this has been. Oh, we had the usual (mortgage payment! ear infection! commute that sucks balls!), but we also had the very, very unusual (visits from friends I don't see nearly enough, work trips to New York, our three-year wedding anniversary that included a very expensive dinner out that we didn't have to pay a dime for, thank heavens, and also KYLE IS WALKING WHOO).

It was a good month. A very, very good month.

***

I am still trucking along with these fitness goals of mine, and they have become slow going, my friends. I'm stalled, basically, and totally annoyed with that especially since I know it's all because of me and my occasional indulgences and the aforementioned trip to the city with the best food (and easily the best cupcakes) in the country and also an anniversary dinner where my husband was very much in the "oh, just order another glass/plate/bowl of whatever you want" camp.

Obviously I chose that night to decide he was clearly the smartest man alive and I should listen to him wholeheartedly.

I've lost 25 pounds or so. I (still) have 23 pounds to go.

When I get out of the 150s, I'm buying myself something pretty.

But, I signed up for my first 10K (it'll be in September) and on this last business trip, I visited the fitness center twice. As in more than once. That was new for me.

I think what's most important to remember if you too want to change your life (in any way) is this: it's painful and slow and full of that frustrating dance combining progression with regression with standing still. You'll know better than to do a million things you'll do anyway because you're human. It's never about those moments where you screw up or choose poorly, but about the moments you right the wrongs.

There will always be wrongs, accept that now. But how do you right them?

***

This month I also got to meet some really incredible bloggers, including Jonna, who is so much more than a blog friend. I launched a style blog with her. I texted her when Kyle took his first steps. She offered me and Mike one of her guest rooms this fall, so we can make a trip we weren't sure we'd be able to financially swing before. She sent me the most beautiful birthday present and constantly tells me I'm smart and capable and, most importantly, I'm a good mother.

We got cupcakes in Cambridge (long story why I was there) this past week, and as we finished up and collected our things, she hugged me again and said, "you're here," and it was like being with an old friend, like reuniting with her after years apart.

I missed her the rest of the day, and I miss her still, and without blogging or the internet, I wouldn't know her at all.

To think I only used it for porn before.

(Kidding.)

I then sat (the very next night) with three more bloggers who had me laughing and nodding along with what they were saying and not once did I sit awkwardly thinking of how to fill the silence. (Not that I wasn't awkward both days, OH I WAS BUT THAT'S JUST ME.)

It was such a nice week for remembering why I do this, and it's not for free shit, I can tell you that much.

***

Finally, since I'm apparently in a very sappy mood indeed, May was really cool in that I've been making a real effort to be more kind to Mike, who is the one person on earth who most deserves my kindness. While I was in New York he (along with my mother-in-law and my mom) kept everything afloat without a single complaint. He knew I was worried about things both at home and with work, so he told me over and over not to worry, he had it covered, everything was great.

I came home to champagne chilling in the fridge, dinner in the oven, and smiles on both my boys faces.

I love those boys of mine so damn much. That's how I'd like to sum up May.

June is going to be even better, I know it.

 

Mike took this picture while I was away and sent it to me. You can imagine how much it made my day.

Full circle weekend

We had a really fun weekend. Cherie, a great friend from college, was in town from Portland, so we got our kids together and marveled over how we used to be silly drunk girls who sang really awful karaoke together and now we're mothers with mortgages and multiple mouths to feed. Then we left the kids with their grandmas, so we could go out and act like silly drunk girls while singing really awful karaoke.

So awful, in fact, that half-way through our rendition of Don't Stop Believin', I turned to Cherie and said, "We should just walk off stage now, shouldn't we?" Although we didn't, I think we really, really should have. 

Mike said afterward, "Babe, that wasn't good." And he was being kind.

Anyway, here is a picture snapped Saturday afternoon at Twisted Root, with four kids under two, all born to friends who met in college. We went from late night runs to Taco Cabana to making sure our kids stayed put in their high chairs at lunch, and no one could tell any of us how that happened. Or at least tell us in any believable way.

 

It was great to see Cherie, and I miss her already.

(A few more pictures from our weekend.)

***

And, not only is Cherie one of my favorite people, but apparently she's all the motivation Kyle needed to get off his hands and knees and toddle like the toddler he is.

Here's a crappy-quality video to prove it:

He's doing what so many of you said he'd do: just walking like he's been doing it for months, even though he only took his first steps mere days ago. 

I think it's going to be a huge let-down to him, though, when he realizes we won't always clap like maniacs each time he walks somewhere. Right now, we practically throw him a parade and offer him a pony in exchange for a few steps.

We did realize, immediately after he crossed the entire living room, that we're now officially screwed. In the best possible way.

***

How was your weekend?

Post-Mother's Day

I think every day should be Mother's Day. Granted, I'd never get out of bed, would gain every single pound back I've lost over the last four months and would only see my child in passing as Mike handled all the parenting grunt work, but my DVR queue would be completely empty and, also, I'd be very well-rested.

Suffice it to say, Mother's Day (weekend) was nice.

Mimosas-in-the-morning-burgers-at-night-sleeping-in-a-lot nice. So nice, I'm on a serious calorie detox this week. And back in the gym this week like I'm being paid to be there.

(Sadly, I'm not.)

I hope your weekend was equally relaxing. You deserve it.

***

I also finally finished Avatar this weekend. I think I was officially the last person with a pulse who hadn't seen it. I hesitated for so long because I find James Cameron to be horrible and giving him a single dollar gets me all worked up (although, you should know me well enough by now to know I get worked up easily).

I'm also not the right market for 3D movies. If a movie requires an accessory to really enjoy it, I'd prefer that accessory to be a champagne flute or a pair of wedges.

But, I wrote a list of things I wanted to do in 2010 and one item is "see all the nominees for Best Picture." 

So, I watched it, and I'll admit it was pretty good. Entertaining, definitely. Enjoyable, even. But, in the words of my husband: "I liked Iron Man better."

I'd recommend it to you for a Saturday night pick if it turns out you're really the last person on earth who hasn't watched it, but it definitely didn't change my life the way I was told it would. It did change my opinion of Sam Worthington, though.

Yum.

***

Another season of The Amazing Race has come and gone and once again I'm reminded how much energy I invest in a reality show that doesn't consider me at all. My stomach hurt for an hour afterward because my team didn't win. 

That's insane, I know.

What's more insane: I'm still not over Kevin losing last season's Top Chef.

I need more hobbies.

***

I've been thinking a lot about last week's post on dividing household responsibilities and also about what so many of you had to say in the comments of that post.

It got me thinking that I'd like to start a little marriage/family series here. That sounds kind of silly when I type it out, but bear with me.

Hillary said something great in a post of her own the other day: "I read some blogs that are all sunshine! rainbows! unicorns! happyhappyhappy! and I wonder how honest those bloggers are being."

Most of the time when I read those shiny blogs, the ones whose lives are well-decorated without a fight on the horizon, I simply make a mental note not to tell them about the time I actually screamed at Mike over a houseplant (should be noted: I was pregnant at the time).

It's not that I don't believe you can go through life and marriage without ever raising your voice or getting annoyed or arguing over silly things because I do! I actually believe far too much of what I read online! That's a whole other issue.

But, I think there's a way to speak of marriage and family in such a way that helps us all grow, even the people who may have it more figured out than most.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying: I want to work on this, so I'm going to talk about it. Join me, if you'd like.

I also (usually, ha-ha) love hearing your points of view, your insight, your thoughts on a topic. It helps me see things in a new light.

So, I'd really enjoy talking here about things I think many relationships face: budgets, managing family time, managing time with friends, traveling, remembering to be polite to each other, reconciling decorating differences (tell me I'm not the only one who has fought over paint colors), how to argue effectively, ideas for honoring your marriage and celebrating your partner, dealing with in-laws, bedtime duties, giving gifts, date nights.

I really could go on and on. And I hope to, here, and I hope you'll read along and comment, too.

I'll never stop trying to be a better mother and wife, and I think in order to do that, I have to be able to talk openly and honestly about what I'm facing, what I'm overcoming and who I'm striving to be.

Stay tuned.

***

Also, I want these shoes.

Poetry

In listening to my Pandora station the other day, I heard Mat Kearney's "Undeniable," a song I've heard a hundred times before. Except this time, I heard it all over again for the first time.

February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn
Broke a yawn, as a I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it...

It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

February 5th is Kyle's birthday, and how sweet does that make this song now? Granted, Mat is no doubt writing about some hot chick and not his kid but still:

A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it...

I like that.

Life is crazy these days, what with croup and writing all over the Internet and a day job, too! Also, floors don't sweep themselves. You have no idea how much this annoys me.

Oh and yesterday Mike got sick.

I will not tell you which annoys me more: my sick husband or my dirty floors. Although if you know Mike, you may have a hunch. Or if you've gotten any emails from me in the last 24 hours.

It's another week when I expect a parade just for getting through it with regular showers. Making dinner stopped Sunday. 

I try to remind myself that all moments are sweet, even the moments that fill up a germ-filled week like this one. All moments are poetry.

This week just happens to resemble all those 17th century poems I spent hours and hours reading my junior of college, convinced those crazy poets were all drunk as shit and rearranging the words just to mess with students 400 years in the future.

Some days make sense. Some don't. They're ours all the same.

This post is long and all over the place

Saturday night, my mother-in-law and I took Kyle to watch Mike's hockey game (oh, didn't you know?, Mike plays hockey). I hadn't seen him play in ages because his games are usually too late for me to drag Kyle around town, so this early-evening game seemed perfect.

I was excited! I wore a dress!

And it was....challenging. Exhausting and frustrating and the opposite of the sweet family outing I had envisioned.

Kyle has a molar coming in, so I'm tempted to issue a blanket statement to anyone we've seen over the last three days or so that my sweet child isn't usually so....horrible? screamy? scary? But, is it the molar? Or is it him being a 14-month-old toddler who doesn't walk yet? (I don't think him not walking is that big a deal, I promise, but I think it's screwing with his head a little bit. He wants to do a lot he just can't yet.)

At the game, he wouldn't sit still, he did a lot of back-arch thrashing and mainly wanted to get down and scale all the steep bleachers I wouldn't let him scale. Because of injury and bleeding and head trauma. I'm so not fun, I know!

I always fear when we enter into a particularly trying phase of parenting that this is just the way things now are. That our somewhat easy kid has been replaced with a much-harder one and, hey, I'd still love him to the moon and back no matter who he is or what he does, but it's just hard to keep your footing with a toddler who seems to enjoy knocking you on your ass.

I guess there's no real point to all that except to say that it was hard, and we won't be buying Rangers tickets until we're sure the molar is the culprit or the law no longer frowns on giving a child tequila.

Speaking of tequila, I'm on the sauce again. I gave up alcohol for Lent (even though I'm not Catholic or even a practicing Christian), and since Lent is officially over, I could be drunk as I type this (I'm not). I gave up alcohol on a whim, admittedly, but also because I thought ditching those empty calories would help out my weight-loss. Ditching them did help, which actually makes me hesitate to add a glass of wine here, a frosty beer there back into my life. So, in an attempt to keep losing weight, I'm going to continue the sacrifice (to a point). I'll only allow myself alcohol two nights a week. (I'd say just weekends, but sometimes a wild Saturday night is spent working whereas some Tuesdays require wine.)

I liked giving things up last month, and I know that sounds strange. See, I spent a lot of years being a person I wasn't that proud of being and believing I couldn't do much at all. I allowed my life (my relationships, my weight, my outlook on things) to reflect that. So, I want to give up some things this month to continue to prove to myself I can because I think when you surprise yourself, you begin to like yourself more and more. That's important to me.

The big one is this: I'm giving up snapping at people. It's something I do more than I'd like, especially with Mike, and it comes from being defensive so often. I have an incredible husband, and I don't say that to sugar-coat a damn thing, I swear it. He's incredible, but there's a lot I struggle with when it comes to him (he doesn't clean much, he avoids conflict and he's not super-romantic) and those struggles lead me to communicate by snapping instead of speaking like a normal human being.

I'm also be giving up chocolate. Mainly because there is Easter candy in every corner of our house and I may inhale it all if I don't set a rule for myself. (Moderation is still tough for me, can't lie.)

Finally, I hope you all had a nice holiday weekend. Kyle got a bubble blower, so he gave Easter two thumbs up.