She Likes Purple

Aggieland Sneak Peek

***

We took a less-than-24-hour whirlwind trip to College Station this weekend, but it was so, so nice. Thanks to A'Dell for putting us up for the night and to her family for being so welcoming and warm. 

My family is swell.

More pictures.

August Recap

First, a question:

HOW THE HELL IS IT SEPTEMBER?

It's all a bit mind-boggling, that we have a mere four months left until a whole new year. That means Halloween is right around the corner, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, THEN 2011, HOLY SHIT.

But, for now, August.

***

This past month I started regularly doing two things I haven't done in as long as I can recall: going to sleep at a reasonable hour and reading.

I've been offline in the evenings just as often as I've been on and let me tell you, as much as I love the internet, there's nothing quite as nice or as vital to one's peace of mind as a good book and an early bedtime.

(Unless that good book keeps you up until 1:30, I'M LOOKING AT YOU HUNGER GAMES.)

***

This month we also didn't eat out (for the most part) and, hey, we didn't die! We made a few exceptions, which I was fine with, but for the most part we ate all our meals from our own kitchen. It basically confirmed something I already knew: we spend entirely too much money on unnecessary meals. 

I'm going to try very, very hard to bring my lunch to work every day and to limit eating out to the weekends, for date nights or special family outings.

***

I've lost 31 pounds this year and have 17 more to go. It feels as if the weight is falling off ever-so slowly and that I'll never reach my goal. It's hard to keep perspective when you plateau, you know?

But, there's this: I enjoy food, I enjoy cooking (here's my September menu, if you care about that kind of thing), I enjoy running. Those are three brand-new things for me. It's hard to say I ever really enjoyed food before, not when there was so much fucked-up guilty aftermath that went along with it.

But, I no longer view food as a crutch or my particular form of self-medication. I feel I've done more for my family in terms of taking care of them and providing meals for them this year than all other years combined, and I feel I've done more for myself this year, as well.

I'm not there yet, no, and that's just frustrating, no way around it. To be close but not quite there.

But I'll get there.

When I do, drinks for everyone!

***

Style Lush continues to blow my mind. The content is just hands-down incredible. We consistently have great giveaways and fun features and the most talented DIYers I know.

Make no mistake, I am not one of them. I just organize all that talent in one place while contributing very little of it.

(Oh, and our one-year anniversary is in October. I'm lining up some great giveaways for that week. If you have a shop or store or hidden talent and want to contribute to a giveaway that week, let me know.) 

***

This month I also: saw Greenday in concert, had a fancy date night with my husband, threw a party, and went to BlogHer.

Phew. Maybe it was less of a low-key month than I thought.

***

Then there's Kyle.

Oh Kyle.

18 months has been, for us, just blissful. (Now 14-15 months was not.) He understands so much, and is so easy to talk to and get through to, and while he's doing all that BEING-A-REAL-PERSON shit, he's still a baby. There's chub, everywhere, and he's still toddling around in diapers and a little wobbly, and so soft and sweet. 

(Although 18 months did bring the toddler feet of doom. THEY SMELL OF DEATH AND ROT.)

He holds my hand, without me asking him to, and while the tantrums are brutal, they're also quick. 

He's talking more, he's laughing more, he's dancing more, he's just more, while still being so little.

He has a sense of humor and while it's a little, uh, strange -- he thinks it's HILARIOUS when we sneeze -- making him laugh has got to be the best thing on the planet. Sorry, boss, can I just quit my job and make my kid laugh for  a living because I appear to be awesome at it?

Every stage is so fleeting, so hard to remember without the help of a blog, so full of highs and lows that if you sit around think about it for very long, you can't help but cry. It's cruel, the way we are given these gifts only to have them morph into something else entirely so soon, but it's so beautiful that they're replaced with something even more amazing.

Missing who he was before is like missing a light while I live with the sun.

 

***

September holds: Kyle's first college football game, my first 10K (and lunch with Natalie), our nephew's birthday party, another birthday party, a handful of other birthdays, and the end of summer. NOT SUMMER TEMPERATURES, THOUGH, OH NO. Texas is an overachiever when it comes to being stupid.

What are you looking forward to this month?

15 Years Later, I Got to Go to Their Concert

The very first CD I ever owned, way back when I was 13, was Greenday's "Dookie." They were the first band I liked, and not because my sister liked them or my parents did but because I did.

I used to listen to "Basketcase" and "She" on repeat.

They played in concert that same year, and I wanted to go so badly. I thought my friends might surprise me with tickets or maybe the tickets would just magically appear in my room. 

I was an optimistic 13 year old, wasn't I?

They didn't appear, of course, but since then, I made it a goal to see them in concert. One day, somehow.

We bought tickets for their concert last year in San Antonio but it was the day after Kyle ended up in the ER for a rather traumatic (for me) chocking incident. No matter how badly I wanted to see that concert, I wasn't leaving my boy for anything. We ate the cost and I sort of thought that was the last chance I'd have.

They came back through Texas -- Dallas -- last night, though, and Mike bought us tickets months ago.

It was a Thursday night, I had to take a half-day from work, we had to ask Mike's parents to babysit late into the night on a work night, we had to drive an hour into the heart of Dallas for the concert, the tickets weren't cheap, the beer wasn't cheap, and I can think of a dozen other things that money would have been more responsibly spent on. 

When we go to our seats, they were just taking the stage. Seriously, we couldn't have timed our arrival any better. And as they walked on stage, I teared up, and all those reasons for not going melted away. I turned to Mike and said, "I'm finally here."

They were unbelievable in concert. They were on fire, engaged with the audience, energetic. They were just incredible. They were also grateful, thankful for their fans. They brought dozens of those fans up on stage, they gave guitars and drumsticks out like candy, they brought kids on stage and let them sing. At one point Billie Joe said, "It's our honor and our privilege to perform for you." I believed that he believed that.

I feel a little silly typing all this out. I'm nearly 30! It was a Greenday concert! But how often do you get to sit at a concert as an adult and listen to the same song you listened to on the floor of your middle school bedroom?

It was a full-circle moment, and I'm just so happy we made it happen.

As Mike and I got out of the car, I turned to him and said, "There's a sippy cup in the car and I have a block in my purse. How rock n roll are we?"

Real Marriages: The "Rules" for Surviving a New Baby

Mike and I have a few rules that came out of Kyle's newborn stage, and I think they're genius and everyone should know them. Now, if we only followed them regularly.

They are:

1) If your work schedules will allow, each person takes a weekend morning. We still do this, as best we can. One person gets to sleep in Saturday, the other Sunday.

2) Shift work. If the baby isn't nursing or there's expressed milk, break up the night. For a while, Mike was on shift from 10-2 am and no matter what was going down, those were his hours. I took 2-6 am and the same rules applied.

3) Our biggest trial-and-error rule: no one-upping. You may be a parenting rockstar but you don't actually win anything for reminding your partner you're better at something than he is. (Even if you are.) (Which, come on, you are.)

4) Take a job. I am the only one who has ever cut Kyle's nails after that first time Mike attempted it and there was much bloodshed. He haaaaates doing it and I'm good at it. Well, better, I should say. So I do it. Mike can get Kyle to sleep in five seconds flat whereas Kyle knows how to work me. So, Mike usually puts him to bed when we're both home. We have our jobs. We do them. We praise the other for doing theirs. 

***

I asked my Twitter friends to share their own rules. Here are a few gems:

  

 

Hillary may be childless but she's also brilliant. The phrase "but I did it last time" can only take you down one road and that road is called Fightsville. It intersects with One-Upping Your Way Into a Sexless Corner.

 

Such great rules.

Also, this one:

Smart woman.

***

What are the rules you made during new parenting (or parenting a new baby)?

A Few Family-approved Meals

Kyle's not so much a picky eater as he is an indifferent one. Sometimes he eats a lot (and a wide variety of things at that), but most of the time, he'd much rather be doing something else, like scaling the walls or playing with bugs outside in the 100-degree heat.

A sweltering day outside over carbs inside? If my labor wasn't a vivid memory, I'd wonder who this kid belongs to.

Anyway, if I can get him to eat a meal I've made for him, I'm stoked about it. I've had a little bit of luck lately, so I thought I'd share.

Dishes Kyle Has Asked for More of and By "Asked" I Mean "Signed" Because My Kid is Also Indifferent to Verbal Communication

1. Pizzagna from 30 Minute Meals. This was one of those glorious Rachael Ray recipes that I actually made in 30 minutes. Kyle ate every bite, including the peppers and mushrooms.

2. The Pioneer Woman's Mushroom and Swiss Sliders. I didn't add the spicy sauce to his, though.

3. Gnocchi. I just used the recipe on the side of the box we bought (basically I just poured some spinach and cheese pasta sauce over the prepared gnocchi), but he was practically licking his plate. 

4. Chicken parmesan burgers from Sweetnicks. Okay, confession, this is a parent-approved meal as Kyle didn't actually eat any of it but only because we made it after he went to bed and then proceeded to eat it all. He probably would have liked it! Tip, though: wait to pour the marinara sauce onto the bread until the last possible moment, so things don't get too soggy too quickly.

5. Pizza with brie, proscuitto, and mushrooms from Half-Assed Kitchen. I cut the amount of brie in half and added parmesan in its place. Mainly because I knew Mike would wrinkle his nose if there was too much brie. He's weird about brie. I KNOW, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Kyle liked this well enough. Although, come to think of it, he mostly just ate the crust. Still, tasty! Pizza is like a burger. Endless possibilities.

What have you eaten lately that you loved?

I bought a pretty dress and wore it out on the town, with my husband on my arm

A little while ago I reviewed my year list (in my sidebar), so I could think on a few things, make some plans for other things, budget for this or that, and my eyes rested on the item that said "buy a pretty dress and wear it out on the town, with my husband on my arm."

I instantly thought, well, I'll have to wait to meet my goal weight for that one, and I carried on.

Which was pure insanity. And I told myself as much later that same day.

I can buy a pretty dress and have a fancy date night with my husband no matter how much I weigh. Retail stores and restaurants everywhere actually allow this kind of thing, if you can believe that.

I bought a dress. I paired it with some funky shoes. I made some reservations that coincided with DFW's Restaurant Week (and therefore broke our "no eating out" August rule for this one special occasion). I found a babysitter (thanks, mom!). We ate. We drank. We stayed up late into the night watching season four of Dexter. We had a baby-free, delicious meal where we talked about vacations, money, a second baby?, home improvements, work, wine, weight, everything under the sun.

We even had dessert.

I've learned so much this year that I want to write a book about it all. But one thing I've learned that I'll share with you today is this: have fun now.

Waiting to have fun until you fill in your own particular blank is downright stupid. And this is coming from a woman who has spent many, many years making many, many stupid choices.

In fact, one such stupid decision was saying "oh hell, why not?" when the waiter asked if I'd like to opt for the wine pairing with my meal. My three-course meal.

(The buzz was just wearing off as I watched the final minutes of Dexter's season four finale. Or maybe it wore off because of those final moments. Lord, I never thought I could sob so much at a television cliffhanger I ALREADY KNEW ABOUT.)

I had a really wonderful night with my husband despite crying at the end of it. (Next time: Modern Family marathon!) It wasn't perfect (see: crying), nor are we, and I still look at the above photo and wish I had dropped those extra 18 pounds because stupid thoughts still creep into my stupid head no matter how I wish they wouldn't.

The point of this year isn't to be perfect or to even strive to be perfect, no, it's to strive to be better.

And to embrace life every moment along the way to better.

Rare family photo! With my chin cut off! (You take what you can get with a hard-to-wrangle toddler.) (And shit if he doesn't need another hair cut just a month after his first/last.)

Real Marriages: Fighting Fair

Mike and I fight.

Not a lot. Not every day. But from time to time we come to blows over something: the dishes, money, parenting, the DVR, coughfamilycough. I'm kind of emotional and he's kind of stubborn. Fun combination.

(He also has horrible taste in television. You can tell him I said so.)

But, Mike fights fair. In fact, everything healthy I've learned from fighting with your partner, I've learned from him. 

We haven't perfected the art of a constructive, relationship-building, level-headed argument and that's because I'm very rarely level-headed, but I'm (usually) proud of the way we fight and how we resolve conflicts.

Here are a few things I've learned on fair fighting over the last six years. (Fine, some of these things I learned in my relationships before Mike. Because I did the opposite of all of them.)

1) No name calling, no bad lanugage. Unless you're saying, "Shit, you've got a good point." Or "Fuck, you're right."

2) Never fight when either person has been drinking. We've had a couple big disagreements after some alcohol was consumed and, hoo boy, that never ends well. No really, never. If you're upset about something when you've had something to drink, write it down. Nine times out of ten, you won't be upset the next morning and it's much easier to throw a piece of paper away than to apologize.* (Also, you should never be drinking so much that you can't write something down. That goes without saying, right?)

*I obviously meant RECYCLE that piece of paper.

3) Never fight in the middle of the night. After having a newborn, I now think that being exhausted is like being tipsy. It messes with your ability to form a rational thought. In fact, those middle-of-the-night newborn screamfests from the early days included so many words (from me) in all caps, you'd think I was Jack Bauer. I eventually made this rule for myself: don't say a word in the middle of the night that's not 100% necessary like "the house is on fire, meet you outside."

4) Don't make threats. I can't remember a single fight we've had where either of us threatened to leave. But I've had plenty of those fights with other people and that's some irrevocable damage you don't want to mess with right there. You'll forget why you started fighting in a week's time, but you'll never forget the threats. They linger. They're toxic. Don't make them.

5) It's okay to walk away. Mike is a champ at this.* He knows when the fight isn't going well, and when we should both take some space to calm down. This means we sometimes go to bed angry, and I think that's fine. I'd rather cool off and re-group the next day than fight until 4 a.m. In fact, whoever said "never go to bed angry" must not have liked sleeping much.

*I am not much of a champ at this, but I'm learning. (YES I AM, MIKE.)

6) Leave "always" and "never" out of your vocabulary. Those two words are loaded and hurtful and I use them far too often. They're also just totally incorrect. 

7) Give yourself 30 minutes before saying something. My dad used to say "think before you speak" and I never understood (as a kid) how that was even possible. How do you have the TIME to think before you speak!? But, as a married adult who likes getting along with her husband, this is a very important rule indeed. Whatever you're pissed about, you have a right to be, let me just say that. But wait a half hour to say something about it. Give yourself just a little thinking time. You may still want to bring it up, but you'll bring it up way more rationally than you would have before.

***

My mom said something recently that I loved: no two successful marriages look the same. What works for you (and works well) might not work for the next couple and vice versa. And, listen closely, your marriage shouldn't work for everyone else. It's your marriage.

So, truly, it doesn't matter how often you fight (or if you fight at all) but that if and when you do, you fight with a level of respect. (That goes for all fights, even the ones you have with the T-Mobile customer service department. You may want to call them (or your partner) a raging douchenozzle but you shouldn't. Save it for your blog instead.)

I always like hearing your thoughts, so tell me:

Any tips for fighting fair you'd like to share?

In case there was ever any doubt, we are absolutely those parents

5:30 pm: I leave work with plenty of time to get home so we can all ride to Kyle's first swim lesson together.

6:09: It's balls hot outside, here let me show you this picture I took of my temperature gauge while I sat in traffic. (That says 117 degrees. I do not live on the sun.)

6:27: As I turn onto my street, I realize we're out of swim diapers. Which makes SWIM lessons problematic.

6:28: "BABE, I'LL MEET YOU AT THE POOL, MUST GET SWIM DIAPERS," "Uh, okay."

6:30: Zip into Walgreens. Choose the only swim diapers they have, which are both stupid and expensive.

6:31: Get stuck behind a lady who decides Monday, August 2nd will be the day she forgets how to use her debit card. Of course.

6:35: Still made awesome time, so "BABE, NEVERMIND. MEET YOU AT HOME." "Uh, okay."

6:40: Zoom into the house, sweating (see above picture), change out of my jeans into a very breathable skirt, snuggle Kyle for .5 seconds because WE MUST GO, EVERYONE IN THE CAR.

6:45: Pull out of our driveway. Bitch the entire half mile to the pool about how hot it is.

6:50: Park, start walking toward the pool when Mike says, "You grabbed the towel on the couch, right?" "Uh, no." "Why not?" "I didn't see it!" "It was right there!" "Well, if I had seen it, do you think I would have decided not to bring it to SWIM LESSONS?"

6:53: I get back in the car to go retrieve the towel.

6:55: To his defense, it was right there on the couch.

6:59: I MADE IT! I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER!

7:00: Swim lessons did not start on time, I'd like it noted.

7:03: In the pool. Kyle's in heaven.

7:10: I've taken 50 pictures, have 15 mosquito bites, and have watched the very sweet, very enthusiastic teenage instructor try to coax my 18-month-old into repeating the "no running around the pool" rule to her. Yeah, lady, that's not gonna happen.

7:15: Pride oozes out of me as my 18-month-old climbs out of the pool by himself, the correct way. (One elbow, the other elbow, one leg, the other leg.)

7:17: No, really, he cannot repeat pool rules, lady. STOP TRYING.

7:20: First and only meltdown. Thankfully there's a rogue four-year-old who's wandered over to our class and is LOSING HIS MIND because he cannot climb the slide. It's drowning out my kid whining because he does not want to blow any more bubbles.

7:30: Class is over. I mentally imagine introducing myself to all the other parents so I can add more "friends with kids near Kyle's age" to my circle, but I chicken out and just smile instead. (There are another two weeks left of class. Plenty of time to muster the courage.)

7:31: I tell Kyle how good he was in class, and he claps for himself for the next 15 minutes.

7:32: We can't remember where we parked. Mike tries to convince me we now have a navy blue Jeep instead of a black one.

7:33: Mike is wrong.

7:35: Sweet, sweet air conditioning.

July Recap

July was batshit insane.

Which is par for the course with us.

(Seems I kind of like it that way. Mike wishes I didn't.)

I flew to Portland. I flew to San Diego. I squeezed in some runs where I could. I lost a writing gig. I gained perspective. I connected, I ate, I lounged on the couch and watched old Veronica Mars episodes and new True Blood ones.

I played with my son. (And finally cut his too-long hair.)

I sipped wine under the hot sun and held my husband's hand.

I realized that true friends leave out guilt from conversations and they instead insist on encouragement. (I guess learning this at 28 is better than learning it at 29 or any year thereafter.)

Molly turned seven, and she's still our favorite dog on earth. (She's Kyle's favorite anything on earth.)

I have big plans for August and those plans include slowing the hell down (right after I take a quick trip to NYC for BlogHer). I'll also be taking Kyle to swim lessons, organizing my kitchen, cooking at home way more than I did in July (since we're not eating out this month), putting my feelers out for a new writing gig I can be passionate about, and running as often as I can since my 10K is next month.

Maybe we'll throw a party. Maybe we won't.

Some other things I'd like to do: finally learn to poach a damn egg, go to a concert, not melt into a puddle during Texas' hottest month, read three books, bake, dance with Kyle, and kiss my husband for no reason other than I still like kissing him.

Kyle's a dream, my husband's such a decent human being I'm constantly inspired by him, my house is usually in shambles but it's still a pretty happy place to be, and I am thankful everyday for air conditioning, my son's grandparents, Netflix, and the Food Network.

Life is sweet.

Here's to August.

Baby boy gone

We finally cut his hair.

From this:

To this:

(And then he promptly fell on his face in the front yard. Notice the forehead bruise on the right side of his head?)

(But he's pouting in this picture because I wouldn't give him more dessert, not because he fell.)

(What kind of mother won't give her son more dessert after he falls on his face?)

Anyway, I don't know why cutting his hair was such a ridiculously big deal to me. It's so cliche! And, trust me, I used to mock plenty of people who'd write posts about being unable to cut their precious baby boy's hair. Ridiculous, I'd think. It's hair and they look homeless. Just cut it.

But I didn't want to cut Kyle's. I thought he looked just fine with shaggy hair that would hang below his shoulders when wet. Homeless worked on him, I thought. Even if he was called a girl by more people than I can count on one hand.

You hold on to what you can, I guess, and I was holding on to that hair. 

Mike found a piece of food in it the other day from a meal he had eaten the day before.

There was day-old food stuck in my son's hair and no one had noticed.

(We don't give him a bath every night because we might be sentimental as hell, but we're also cursed with a lazy streak.)

"I think it's really time to cut it, babe." Mike said this quietly to me because we've been together a while now and he knows that his wife is crazy and you have to be careful with crazy people sometimes.

(That's my wise life lesson of the day. You're welcome.)

I sighed, really loudly, and he braced himself.

"Okay. Fine."

He looked surprised. Hell, I was surprised myself.

You can't argue with half-eaten bagel, I suppose.

So, we finally cut his hair. No promises we won't wait another year and a half to do it again.

Briefly standing still

This month has been (and will continue to be until it's over) plain insane. I cram a lot into my days, my life, and that's kind of how I prefer it, but this month went from kinda busy to HOLY SHIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED pretty quickly. If I let it, this month will fly be without me even noticing, without me even taking one second to slow down and enjoy some truly enjoyable things.

Like....

The sunset in Portland.

Kyle and I having a dance party in our living room this past weekend.

Closing my laptop to finish a book.

Mike and I squeezing in a date night to see Eclipse this weekend and having an hour to kill before the movie started, so we people watched the time away. (While Mike drank the biggest blue raspberry slushie I've ever seen.)

Enjoying a nice German dinner with my mom.

Meeting bloggers in person and no longer worrying about those meet-ups beforehand.

Bloody Marys with one of my best friends. 

Crawling into Cherie's guest bed at 10 pm, which is the earliest I've gone to bed all year, I'd bet.

Leaving the house to run some errands this past weekend and then having to turn around and go back because we forgot something. When we pulled into the drive no more than five minutes after first leaving, Kyle got SO FREAKING EXCITED to be home, screeching and laughing, like MAN, I LOVE THIS PLACE. Eh, he's a toddler, who knows what he was really thinking, but that's all I've ever wanted for him, to associate his home with happiness.  

The incredibly kind ticket agent with Southwest Airlines. Good customer service is rare. I won't forget him anytime soon.

Snickers 90-calorie ice-cream bars. Delicious.

Top Chef nights with Mike.

Sitting outside The Four Graces winery, talking to Cherie about work and life and getting tan. 

Mike letting me sleep in till 11 am this past Saturday. That man deserves things I can't talk about on this blog.

Our new baby nephew, who was born last week. We have so many boys in our family, it's unreal, but they're each such a perfect fit.

Life is spinning fast right now. But not too fast that I can't hold still when I need to.

***

I leave for San Diego Wednesday, and I look forward to standing still a little bit while I'm gone. If you're in the area, come visit my company at a meet-and-greet party this Saturday night at the House of Blues in downtown San Diego. (Click on the link for more details.)

August experiment?

Mike and I have been budgeting for a couple months now, and I'm pretty proud of us. The budget categories that give us the most problems are fairly consistent: groceries, eating out, medical. I give us a slight pass on medical because while it's been consistently higher than we thought it would be, the amount is inconsistent. Sometimes it's $5 over, sometimes it's $100.

(I would like to point out it's never because of me. My immune system would like a thank-you note from the other members of this family.)

There are also annoying financial things you can't predict for like the car tires that needed to be replaced, the car seat that needed to be purchased, the property taxes I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT, and the random days Kyle had to go to day care that we didn't plan for.

But, we're getting better with grocery shopping, and I think with a little more experience in the kitchen, I'll be able to shave off more and more money from those bills. I'm trying to utilize ingredients we already have and replace this cheese with that cheese that's already in the fridge and things like that. Simple for the seasoned cook, but I'm not seasoned. I'm trying, and I think I'm (and we're) doing pretty good.

But.

There's one area we struggle with and that's eating out. Chalk it up to being a rather social couple or that date nights are important to us, but we eat out too often. Not nearly as much as we used to, but too much. See, I'd rather go to a nice dinner than buy shoes. That's a new development, but does it really matter what you're unnecessarily spending money on as long as you're unnecessarily spending it?

We can do better.

When I was eating far too much fast food last year, I went without it for 30 days and while I still have it from time to time, I sort of credit that as the beginning of the end of my regular consumption of total and utter crap.

So, I suggested to Mike the other day that we not eat out the month of August. He said sure. Obviously this won't work in New York City for BlogHer and there may be a work dinner squeezed in for my five-year anniversary with my company, but for the time we're home, we won't spend our own money to dine out.

Mainly, I just want to see how much we can save, how hard the challenge really is for us, how creative we can be with dates and time with friends when not dining in restaurants, and if this makes me a slightly better planner (I don't plan lunch often enough and neither does Mike).

I went meatless for a month, I gave up alcohol for Lent, I ran 25 miles and worked out (almost!) every day of June. I can do this, I know I can, and I also know it'll be good for our family and our budget.

Money is tough for us and while we are paying all our bills and doing pretty okay and making vacations work (although Portland only happened because of a free flight and stay, which is how all vacations should work, don't you think?), I know that managing our finances is slowly becoming more and more in our control. It hasn't always been. We've been in the financial passenger seat for years, I'd say, and it has sucked quite a lot. 

I don't want it to suck anymore, so we're taking control.

So, wish us luck in August. We'll see how it goes.

My husband is a sneaky man

I worked late tonight and had to stop for a couple groceries on the way home, and when I finally barged through the door, tired and stressed, Kyle greeted me. Oh, that's a nice way to melt the stress, let me tell you.

I lifted him up and carried him to the kitchen, and he gave me loads of kisses. I unloaded the groceries while holding him because moms can multi-task like you wouldn't believe. Then, I decided to put the empty paper bag on his head (I'm weird, what of it?), when Mike walked in the kitchen, smirking.

"I have a surprise."

"Yeah, what?"

I was still playing with Kyle, a paper bag on his head, a red pepper in my hand that I hadn't put up yet, when Mike showed me an airline ticket.

"What the fuck is that?"

(I have GOT to work on my child-friendly vocabulary.)

"You're going to see Cherie."

AN AIRLINE TICKET. TO SEE MY FRIEND CHERIE IN PORTLAND, AND MY KEYBOARD IS NOT BROKEN, I'M JUST THIS EXCITED.

Cherie and I went to college together and then she fell in love and moved away and just search her name on this site, I've written at length about her. She's post worthy, most definitely.

Oh, I just can't wait to see her.

And loads of other bloggers who are in Portland. When I texted Cherie to see if she'd be down for a blogger dinner, my phone auto-corrected it to "loggers." When I corrected it, she wrote back and said, "damn, I was excited about the ax-man dinner."

She's awesome.

But you know who else is awesome? That sneaky husband of mine.

Search his name and see how much I like him. He's likable, he's way more than likable but no one wants to hear all that mush.

Let's just say I'm so happy right now, and it's all because of him. Baby, it's so often all because of you.

June recap: The month of a million firsts and a million degrees

(Hey, if you want, you can check out my recaps for January, February, March, April, and May. Not sure why you'd want to, but there are the links for easy clicking.)

***

Other than the temperature outside (balls hot), June's been pretty nice to us. Man, I hope this isn't an ebbs and flows kind of thing because I'd like July to be nice, too. And every month after that. AM NOT GREEDY, SHUSH.

Anyway, let's get to recapping, yo!

First, my ass. Why not start there? It's shrunk! A little! If you're following along with my weight-loss calendar at The Stir, you know I've officially lost 28 pounds since January 1st and have about 20 left to lose. I've given myself a goal end date of January 1, 2011. Six more months to go!

I also ran 25 miles this month, and that proves I can technically run a marathon. As long as the volunteers don't mind moving to the event site for a month.

I've said this before, I'm sure, but man I enjoy running. More than I ever thought I would or could, and it's officially become my go-to exercise of choice.

I still want to do more, though, and I wrote this post of 5 activities I'd (eventually) like to try/sign-up for. I'm not kidding about ballet, either.

***

This month we also did a few things for the first time. We went to the Dallas Farmers Market, which we were blown away by. We also took Kyle to Sea World, which was magical. (It also made me excited to take him to Disney World one day.) And Mike and I took a sushi cooking class, which was something I've always wanted to do. (Sushi pictures!)

When Mike and I first started dating, we used to excitedly announce when something was the first thing. The first time we walked to class together, first movie date, first road trip, our first fight, even. Eventually all those firsts faded because after 6 years together, it can feel like you've done all there is to do.

It's nice to remind ourselves that there's still a world of firsts for us to experience together.

***

Oh, and Mike got in a motorcycle accident. That part of the month sucked ass, but he's okay! He's in one piece! We're practicing gratitude instead of panicky, motorcycles-are-death-mobiles sentiments.

(I don't think that, by the way, no matter how shaken his accident might have made me.)

***

I'm also enjoying my Real Marriages series, especially since I've had some amazing guest posts (and more to come) and spotlighted some stunning posts elsewhere. In the coming weeks, we're going to tackle how couples fight, in-law fun, and who handles the finances and why.

If you want to see a topic covered, comment or email. I'd love to hear what you'd love to hear.

***

I also have loads to say about some other topics: updates on our budget, updates on meal planning and grocery shopping, some thoughts on friendship, too. If you care about those things, I'll be writing on them soon.

***

Then there's Kyle.

He's both the most stunning, inspiring, hilarious human being I've ever known and the reason I have sprouted gray hair recently.

He is either driving me mad or making me look up how much a pony would cost because HE SO DESERVES A PONY.

He's saying some words (flower, outside, duck, water, thank you), but he's not saying enough to alleviate how frustrated he gets when he wants me to understand something he's trying to express, and since I don't speak whacked-out toddler, I look at him with a confused expression a lot. I imagine your own mother not understanding what you need and want would drive you to shriek at the top of your lungs. Scratch that, I don't imagine, I know because THAT'S WHAT HE DOES. THAT IS A FACT.

The timeouts, they have begun.

But he hugs and kisses when you request one of either. He knows how to "be gentle" and he's working on that with Molly. He holds my hand when I request him to, as we walk to the mail box each evening. He waves "hello!" to everyone he sees, and he just learned the itsy-bitsy spider in class the other day, which is really just him smashing his fingers together.

He rarely sits still, but he can spend a half hour just looking at one book, over and over. He knows where the birds and horses and cows are in his favorite book. He is nearly obsessed with ladybugs. He thinks playing tug of war is hilarious, HE CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.

He is starting to prefer me to almost anyone, except both his grandmas. He nearly pushes me out the door when either of them are around. PEACE MOM, WE'RE GOOD, BYE NOW.

He loves motorcycles (hold me) and he does vroom noises when he sees them.

Being his mother kicks ass. Sometimes it kicks my own ass, but mostly it's just this awesome, fun ride I get to be on every single day.

***

Lord, this is long.

***

July is going to be crazy. We have family in town for July 4th, and we'll see how Kyle does at his first fireworks display. We have a few fun date nights planned. I have a work trip to San Diego. And I am determined to lose a few more pounds, learn how to poach an egg, and read a couple books.

What do you have planned for July? And how was your June. (I genuinely like to hear, so share.)

Real Marriages: Featured post from Mommy Melee

From "Carry the Weight," a post by Mommy Melee:

The scene plays out over and over. Every day. Sometimes several times a day. I detect a cranky tone in my husband’s voice. Guilt washes over me, makes my chest ache, presses down until I feel sad and cranky and defensive. Immediately.

What is he complaining about? Who knows. Traffic, our son dragging his feet in the morning, bad service at lunch. And somehow, because I am a crazy person because I’m the only other adult in our household, because I’m his friend, because I’m his wife, because I’ve felt this way as long as I can remember, I feel responsible. I feel that if he is not happy at any given time, I’ve done something to fuck that up.

I know how crazy that sounds. When I write it down, it just looks awful. I’m not a submissive person, I’m not particularly dutiful. I don’t have old-fashioned views of marriage and relationships.

I can’t say why this happens. I’m sure psychological theories abound. I can only say that I’m trying, and I have to keep trying harder to stop reacting this way.

I know precisely what she's talking about. If anyone around me is unhappy -- especially Mike -- it's because of me. I let this twisted sense of guilt motivate me often, and I'm not sure why. I do know that letting my moods fluctuate and change based on the moods of others is annoying. I don't like being pissed off just because you are.

It would be nice to allow my husband his own bad moods without getting involved in them. We have a small house but a half acre of land. If he's cranky about something, there are plenty of places I can be alone until he's feeling better. And lord knows me asking "WHAT DID I DO?" over and over doesn't usually make him feel better faster.

Guilt is such a horrible motivator, both in life and in marriage.

I've been trying to let good things motivate me more often, and Maria's post reminded me this goal of mine isn't just about gifts or favors or kindnesses but about simple conversations and interactions with my husband.

We are individuals who happen to be married. We don't have to be responsible for everything the other person feels in order to be happily married. In fact, I'd say happiness is the last thing that's going to come from that.

Thanks, Maria.

***

This is the second post I featured like this. You can read the first from Lemon Gloria here.

I'd suggest walking next year, but I fear we'd all break our legs

Last year on Father's Day, I decided to buy Mike a grill. I had saved a little money, we had just bought a home with an empty porch, and he deserved a nice, fancy grill.

After lunch and before stopping at Home Depot, we pulled into a gas station to fill up. Right when the day seemed just a little too lovely to stand, one of the front ball joints fell off our car.

(Although it dawns on me I don't know if there are rear ball joints on a car.)

Mike looked at me, I looked at Mike, and I think we both said, "that's not good" simultaneously.

And it wasn't good. It was hundreds of dollars of not good.

Mike did not get a grill for Father's Day last year.

***

This year, Mike and his dad went down to College Station for a motorcycle track day to celebrate Father's Day. They both ride, and it was a nice way for them to spend the day together. It seemed fair since I got to spend the night in a comfortable hotel room with my mom for my Mother's Day outing, and riding a motorcycle for Mike is like sleeping in a comfortable bed for me.

Mike came home last night to freshly-made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (made by me!), and I went outside to greet him with one after he pulled up.

He limped toward me, and I thought, "Huh, he must be pretty sore."

Nope, he crashed. His motorcycle. On Father's Day.

He's fine! He's really, really fine! Please, close your mouths if they've fallen open in shock! He has a bruised ankle and a very slightly fractured wrist. But he's fine! He'll be fine!

(His bike is not fine. RIP very expensive hunk of metal.)

You can bet I'm not getting on a plane next Father's Day.

***

I had planned to say something very, very sweet about Mike and what a fantastic dad he is for Father's Day because he is. He's a great dad. He's the best dad I know, no doubt about that, but all I keep thinking (in a very joking, you-must-know-I'm-glad-my-husband-is-fine! tone, of course) is this: well, if he didn't do the dishes before, he's sure not going to dive into a dirty sink with a fractured wrist.

***

Seriously, though, Mike, you are a great, great dad, and even though your hobbies of choice are both expensive and more dangerous than mine (which include blogging and champagne drinking), I know that when Kyle sits down years and years and years from now to document the long list of things he should thank me for, making you his dad is going to top it.

Good things

I had dinner with some friends Saturday night, and it was one of those magical nights when you can talk about everything on your mind without worrying about judgment or confused glances.

We talked about legalizing marijuana and foie gras and champagne and European vacations and sex shows and why men are allergic to the dishes. We laughed and shared wine, and it was perfect.

I left feeling more whole than when I got there.

That's the sign of a good night.

***

Half-way through dinner Mike sent me a text, "Our son is dipping his fries in ketchup and licking it off."

A few moments later, "He's still licking the ketchup but now he's using his fingers."

***

Friday night Mike and I went to dinner and our waiter was fantastic, even on a busy Friday night in a chain restaurant. He had our drinks filled before we took our last sip, he was funny but not obnoxious.

We called the manager over before we left to compliment the service, and his face lit up.

"I like getting called over for reasons like this."

We left feeling full and happy.

***

Mike had a motorcycle track day yesterday, so he was gone from sun up to sun down. I had plans to clean the house, top to bottom. I didn't. Instead, Kyle and I laid in bed together, took naps, read lots and lots of books and watched House Hunters. We went outside to look at bugs and we ate cheese quesadillas for lunch with a cookie chaser.

It was the laziest day we'd had in months.

There's still lots of laundry, but it's just laundry, right? We can do laundry any old day.

***

I'm cooking dinner for a friend this weekend who's been out of town for ages, and who I've missed a lot. We may even squeeze in a movie, if we're feeling crazy.

***

I got an email this morning from a new mom, thanking me for my blog archives. I promised myself I'd never lie about my parenting experience because if there was just one person who felt less alone because of something I went through, it would make telling the internet all about my life completely and totally worth it.

I teared up as I read her email.

In a good way. 

***

Mike got home exhausted last night and even though my plans were to continue being lazy, I decided to make him dinner instead. My instinct was to tell him to have a bowl of cereal, I was tired and needed to write some, but instead I shooed him out of the kitchen and made him his recent favorite, this buffalo chicken pizza from Vanilla Kitchen. I even did the dishes afterward.

He sleepily said, as he was walking out, "I have the best wife."

The exhaustion is worth hearing that, let me tell you.

***

Kyle hugs now. Briefly, before he's off again to scale the walls or pull Molly's tail. He also blows on his food if it's too hot and he signs thank you and please, even though I didn't teach him either of those things, come on you know me better than that. When I ask him to "jump!" he lifts one leg and then the other over and over and he spent, no lie, a half an hour yesterday looking through our honeymoon photo book, pointing at Mike in each picture, worriedly asking, "Dad? Dad?" Like, how the fuck did he get in this book? CAN HE GET OUT, OMG?

Although we're not planning to have another, at least not for some time, I look at him each day and think, another of you wouldn't be so bad.

***

I sat down to write about this one bad thing that kept me fairly distracted last week, this one bad thing that kept me awake and worried and sad.

Instead, I wrote all this.

All these good things.

Water baby

He's so much like his dad, with his strong stubborn streak and his disinterest in eating full meals and his desire to always be outside, no matter the temperature.

He says "outside outside outside" while banging on the front door until you take him out, but he still doesn't say "no" or "mama" regularly. He has priorities people and they involve sunshine and sticky, humid fresh air.

I hardly see myself at all when I look at him, although occasionally, sure. But he's Mike's son, and nothing reminds me more than this: my lord, he absolutely loves the water.

When you ask him if he wants a bath, he'll always get to the bathroom before you, standing with his arms up, waiting for you to take his shirt off. He scoots toward the back of the tub, where it's harder for me to reach him, if he's not ready to get out. (Sneaky little....) He think it's hilarious when you spray him with water or dump a cup over his head. He'd like to return the favor, but I like that far less than he does.

This weekend was insufferably hot. I was sweating as soon as I stepped outside, but when Mike got the idea to set up a sprinkler in the front yard, I've never seen my kid so happy. Silver linings: they're soaked and dripping and grinning from ear to ear.

I've been missing his babyness a lot lately because look at that boy! He's practically ready for school! I want just a few of those teeny-tiny baby days back. But then I see him screeching with glee over a few gallons of water, and I can almost see the teenager he'll one day be, wakeboarding or spending entire months at the lake, and I think goodness, there's so much to look forward to.

Real Marriages: Gracefully Handling Exes

When it comes to relationships I tend not to care about a variety of things some might. Like strip clubs or porn or guy's weekends in Vegas.

(Yep, just said porn.)

(Hi, mom!)

When it comes to things like that, they're not issues until they're issues, you know?

I've been to more strip clubs than Mike has in the last six years, so strip clubs are not a recurring problem for us, and if something isn't a problem, why make it into one? I'll reserve my fighting energy for the real issues: HOW IS IT SO EASY FOR HIM TO JUST IGNORE A SINK FULL OF DISHES?

Ahem.

I also tend to think if a stripper is threatening your marriage, there might be a few (dozen) conversations you need to have.

All that said, I (now) look at exes similarly: they're not really an issue unless they're an issue.

Mike's lucky in that I am a horrible breaker-upper-type person. Back in the day, I would just stop calling the guys I was dating or I'd get really mature and have my friends do the dirty work for me (horrible, I know). I burned a lot of bridges in my day, and when I wasn't lighting the match, karma was kicking me in the ass when other boyfriends left me at bars or broke up with me via email or pretended I didn't exist in public (oh, that's a doozy of a story, trust me).

But, Mike came into our relationship with exes who were still in the picture, exes of many, many years and many, many feelings and it was a huge area of insecurity for me for so long, it's a wonder Mike and I ever made it through all that. He never did anything inappropriate, truly, but back then the train-wreck of my previous relationships was making me irrationally crazy and I simply didn't give him an ounce of credit. I'll always be sorry for that.

So, he had exes who called him and who he called and it all drove me batshit insane.

Then things got really weird when I decided, fuck it, I'm going to take charge of a few things in my life and stop letting insanity take up shop in my head. I reached out to Kristie, one of his ex-girlfriends, and became friends with her. Not in a day's time, of course, but over four years later, she's still a great friend.

See, your gut knows when an ex-girlfriend is an issue and it knows when it's not, and although I think it's our natural instinct to distrust anyone our husbands/boyfriends/partners used to be involved with, I think you can (should?) choose not to make a thing out of something unless it's clear there's a thing to be made.

Listen to your gut. It's smart.

We're friends with another ex-girlfriend of Mike's. She just had a baby, and I was sincerely happy for her and sent her a little something because she's always been lovely to me, and showing loveliness to people who are lovely to me is one way I'm righting all that shitty karma I have leftover from college.

Now, I'm not all cool-as-a-cucumber when it comes to the opposite sex, oh no, and if Mike is reading this, he just laughed. He just laughed OUT LOUD even. See, I don't always listen to my gut. Sometimes I listen to the weird, insecurity gene that makes me wonder if that cute girl he works with is cuter than me. I wonder if he ever wonders about his other exes. I ask for reassurance when I know I don't really need it. I don't know if some of that will ever fully go away.

But when it's really quiet, and I'm being really straight with myself, I have to admit that if someone else (from his past or present) comes in and wrecks our marriage, our marriage should have been stronger.

You can tell your spouse not to do a million things in order to prevent your marriage from falling apart, but I've found (through an embarrassing amount of trial and error) that happy marriages weren't created through rules and tight leashes and jealous outbursts.

The greatest gift I've ever given my marriage is my faith in it.

***

I'm curious to hear how you've handled exes in your relationships, though. Share as much as you'd like below.

May recap

What a crazy-ass month this has been. Oh, we had the usual (mortgage payment! ear infection! commute that sucks balls!), but we also had the very, very unusual (visits from friends I don't see nearly enough, work trips to New York, our three-year wedding anniversary that included a very expensive dinner out that we didn't have to pay a dime for, thank heavens, and also KYLE IS WALKING WHOO).

It was a good month. A very, very good month.

***

I am still trucking along with these fitness goals of mine, and they have become slow going, my friends. I'm stalled, basically, and totally annoyed with that especially since I know it's all because of me and my occasional indulgences and the aforementioned trip to the city with the best food (and easily the best cupcakes) in the country and also an anniversary dinner where my husband was very much in the "oh, just order another glass/plate/bowl of whatever you want" camp.

Obviously I chose that night to decide he was clearly the smartest man alive and I should listen to him wholeheartedly.

I've lost 25 pounds or so. I (still) have 23 pounds to go.

When I get out of the 150s, I'm buying myself something pretty.

But, I signed up for my first 10K (it'll be in September) and on this last business trip, I visited the fitness center twice. As in more than once. That was new for me.

I think what's most important to remember if you too want to change your life (in any way) is this: it's painful and slow and full of that frustrating dance combining progression with regression with standing still. You'll know better than to do a million things you'll do anyway because you're human. It's never about those moments where you screw up or choose poorly, but about the moments you right the wrongs.

There will always be wrongs, accept that now. But how do you right them?

***

This month I also got to meet some really incredible bloggers, including Jonna, who is so much more than a blog friend. I launched a style blog with her. I texted her when Kyle took his first steps. She offered me and Mike one of her guest rooms this fall, so we can make a trip we weren't sure we'd be able to financially swing before. She sent me the most beautiful birthday present and constantly tells me I'm smart and capable and, most importantly, I'm a good mother.

We got cupcakes in Cambridge (long story why I was there) this past week, and as we finished up and collected our things, she hugged me again and said, "you're here," and it was like being with an old friend, like reuniting with her after years apart.

I missed her the rest of the day, and I miss her still, and without blogging or the internet, I wouldn't know her at all.

To think I only used it for porn before.

(Kidding.)

I then sat (the very next night) with three more bloggers who had me laughing and nodding along with what they were saying and not once did I sit awkwardly thinking of how to fill the silence. (Not that I wasn't awkward both days, OH I WAS BUT THAT'S JUST ME.)

It was such a nice week for remembering why I do this, and it's not for free shit, I can tell you that much.

***

Finally, since I'm apparently in a very sappy mood indeed, May was really cool in that I've been making a real effort to be more kind to Mike, who is the one person on earth who most deserves my kindness. While I was in New York he (along with my mother-in-law and my mom) kept everything afloat without a single complaint. He knew I was worried about things both at home and with work, so he told me over and over not to worry, he had it covered, everything was great.

I came home to champagne chilling in the fridge, dinner in the oven, and smiles on both my boys faces.

I love those boys of mine so damn much. That's how I'd like to sum up May.

June is going to be even better, I know it.

 

Mike took this picture while I was away and sent it to me. You can imagine how much it made my day.