She Likes Purple

Runner

Today, I forked over $48.50 for my first 5K, happening end of March. If you want to run with (or, most likely quite faster than) me, the details and some more thoughts from yours truly can be found at Bodies in Motivation today.

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but growing up my dad was a race director in San Francisco, and my family was part of a running organization (who, wow, are still around and have a website). He directed the San Francisco Marathon and lots of other races, too, and that running group was my family. I spent holidays and birthdays with them and many of them even came to my wedding, years and years after I left California. For many, Sunday is a day to worship, but for most of my childhood Sunday was a day to rise early and go to a race. I rarely ran though and when I did run, even as a kid, I walked a lot of it. Running never came easy to me, although both my parents used to run often.

Some people have no desire to run or to exercise through running, but it's always been a (seemingly hard to reach) goal of mine.

I know what a running community looks and feels like. I just don't know what it looks and feels like to be a runner.

Last night, although it was only three straight minutes before switching to a fast-paced walk as part of my Couch to 5K intervals, it was the first time in five weeks I felt this goal wasn't crazy and that somehow, someway I would be able to do this.

One day I'll be a runner.

January recap

We had to take Kyle to the doctor on Friday (again, my god) because he had pinkeye and some bad allergies. The doctor looked through his file and then at us and said, "He has been here a LOT this month." Yep, he sure has and that about sums up our January: GROSS. Also: cold.

Huh, I wonder if one has to do with the other?

Our pipes froze and broke, our gas bill went through the roof (and then kept going, HA HA SHOOT ME), the temperature outside plummeted to 11 degrees at one point and we all suffered through with colds and pinkeye and ear infections and strep and HI FEBRUARY, BE NICE TO US, OK?

It's so easy to dismiss an entire month because of some low points, and seeing the silver lining of a few days in January is hard, folks. Especially that one day when it was 48 degrees in our house.

But.

I lost eight pounds this month, through much better eating and regular workouts. I started a new role at work, which I'm thrilled about. (See!) I had a fun birthday party thrown for me. I went to the movies solo, and that was more fun than my 15 year old self would be comfortable admitting. I collaborated with this talented lady on an online book club that is 300+ members strong. I had an incredible date night with Mike for my birthday and our six-year anniversary. Kyle officially said his first word (ball!). 

Life is good even when it's not, you know?

I'm excited for February, too. We're hosting Kyle's first birthday party this weekend, and Mike and I have a night-away trip planned for Valentine's and I'm kicking up my 5K training, too.

What are you excited about doing in February?

A few things I considered writing full posts on today but made into bullets instead

- Our Rumble With Atmos Energy. Our meter apparently got all wonky last month, so the Atmos Powers That Be had to estimate our last two bills. December: $35; January: $520. In short, Atmos Energy should never enter one of those Guess How Many Gumballs Are in The Jar contests.

- The Mystery of the Disappearing Tequila. We had a practically full bottle of tequila in our garage (what, that's not where YOU keep your tequila? strange) and now we don't, and apparently there is an alcohol-loving thief on the loose in small-town Texas. LOCK UP YOUR BOOZE.

- I tried Level 2 of the 30-Day Shred last night. And then I died.

- It's supposed to snow on Friday. I couldn't see my screen through my tears to finish that post.

- Style Lush is still kicking ass, taking names, but there's one little thing I didn't take into account when I launched the site: that I would never be able to afford 95% of the fantastic things featured, and that's really a shame.

- How Kyle strangely threw up on himself the other night, twice, without ever waking up. He just sat up (eyes closed), puked, let me wash him off and change him and then went back to bed (then repeated all that an hour later). He seemed fine the next day (and today). Why is parenting so effing strange (and gross, my god)?

- ELIZABETH IS HAVING A GIRL!

- Life Unexpected, One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights (or maybe I considered devoting an entire post to each)

- Mike is making Kyle's cake for his birthday party. I came home last night to an episode of Hoarders: Post-Baking Kitchens Edition. 

- I'm putting together a video for Kyle's first birthday, and it's 1) HEARTBREAKING and 2) difficult as shit to sift through THOUSANDS, I AM NOT KIDDING, of photos. It's also hard to pick out songs to dub over the video that other bloggers haven't already used. Annoying.

- Are you going to BlogHer '10? I am! Show yourselves, so I can start memorizing faces now!

This and that

Loose ends no longer loose and all that jazz.

I wrote this and this and then nothing else. That was annoying of me, so let me update you. I've been training for my first 5K for a couple weeks now. I've been running (and walking) using the Couch to 5K program. I've also been enjoying my new Wii Fit and have pretty much forgiven the bitch for calling me obese. I've also been letting Jillian Michaels have her way with me during the 30-Day Shred. This seems like a lot, and over at MamaPop where the writers are partaking in a Biggest Loser-esque challenge, it was mentioned I might be doing too much, which is slightly laughable if you're in my gym or living room with me. I'm finally working out regularly, but I'm easing into things, just as I should.

I've picked out my first two 5Ks, though, and I thought I'd share in case any of you are in the area and want to join me. My first is the Zooma 20K Relay in Austin at the end of March. Then, another, on Mother's Day closer to home.

The jury's still out on the Big Sur Half-Marathon in November. The Blathering will be that month, in addition to an out-of-town wedding. Also, since Mike and I want to take a just-us getaway to Santa Fe this spring, I may need to plan one closer to home. There's one in San Antonio mid-November and also one in Austin in December. We'll see. (Anyone down for those instead?)

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Book Lushes are knocking out 12 of my 20 to-read books this year, thank you Jonna, but I haven't started the The Help yet because I HAVE NOT RECEIVED IT OMG. I ordered it the day it was announced, along with The Grapes of Wrath on a whim, and apparently they're sending Steinbeck's classic from1939 because the two aren't scheduled to arrive until NEXT TUESDAY. Amazon, what's up?

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We're getting excited about Kyle's birthday party around these parts, and, yes, I'm one of those obnoxious mothers who is planning quite the get together for a party the guest of honor won't remember. But here's the thing, I'm celebrating Mike and me just as much as Kyle, call me selfish, but we all made it! Our family, together, made it a year! That's party worthy, in my book.

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This weekend, I knocked out a couple more 2010 list items. You can see the neat lines drawn through a few things to the left. What I love about my list is that so many of the items are things I can knock out in a weekend, I've just never put forth the effort to do so before. I read my list once a day to remind myself of the things I've always wanted to do but have just been too lazy or complacent to go after.

On Saturday my mom came over to watch Kyle for a bit, and although it wasn't part of the plan, I asked her to watch him a little while longer so I could go to the movies by myself. She said she didn't mind because my mother is incredible and genuinely enjoys spending time with Kyle, thank everything for her. Now, in the past, I would have called a dozen or so friends to invite them along to the movies, but on Saturday I just spent the afternoon with myself and it was lovely.

Comfort zones are funny things. It's not that I've ever been against going to the movies alone (or all the other things I haven't done on the list), I've just never done them. Going to the movies solo isn't something I've ever thought about in the moment, only in hindsight, and this silly little list has allowed me to make my moments what I want them to look like in hindsight. It's such a cool thing, let me tell you.

Here's my almost-one year old wearing his Bacon! shirt from Kristin. He's smiling about something, probably the thigh-high slit in Jennifer Aniston's Golden Globe's dress.

New year, new....lots of other things, too

New Age

I turned 28 yesterday, but to hear my new Wii Fit tell it, I turned 39. Nothing says Happy Birthday! like being told you're obese and 11 years older than you thought you were by a PLASTIC BOX, am I right? It's a little hard to rationalize a slice of birthday cake after that. Hell, it's a little hard to rationalize a slice of tomato after that, but, no fear, I still managed to have a rather nice day, especially since I got to do three of my favorite things: go to brunch, see a movie and control the TV remote.

New Celebrity Sighting

We didn't have a babysitter New Year's Eve night, so when my mom offered up her (free!) babysitting services for New Year's Day, we were all "SEE YOU AT SEVEN!" and we went on a double date with some good friends. We went to a local Mexican place in suburbia, and apparently Local Mexican Place in Suburbia is the new Spago or.....wherever else the famous kids are eating these days because the local Mexican place in suburbia is where I saw David Archuleta.

I used to rant and rave about how much I couldn't stand David Archuleta and even though he never actually did anything wrong, he was the one celebrity I most wanted to kick. I think running into him on our date night was the Universe's way of proving to anyone who knows me what a total shit TALKER I am instead of shit STARTER. When presented with the chance to actually kick him, I tweeted instead. Yeah, I'm so bad ass. DAVID, FEAR ME AND MY SOCIAL MEDIA SKILLS.

In other news, he was wearing skinny jeans and, well, no. Just no, David.

New Hair

In case you missed it. (Go here to advise me on new makeup for the new hair!)

New Item Scratched Off the 2010 Goal List

I'm kicking ass at 2010, I don't mind saying. Last night, I spent a good portion of my birthday (willingly) entering every address I have into a file box I was given for Christmas 2008. It took hours -- ooooh, the hand cramps! -- but it's done! (I've also added a couple more things to my sidebar list and took charge of some HTML code to cross out what I've finished so far.)

New Budget

I worked up a budget for January, and if we stick to it, January won't be a nail-biting, penny-pinching, WHERE DID OUR MONEY GO? fun fest like every month of 2009. The silver lining to acting like an adult, I suppose.

New Kyle Trick

He waves, for the most part, although not when he has a room full of people waiting for him to wave because that wouldn't be humiliating at all for his mother. He is also learning to wave with just his hand and now his entire body, SPAZ ALERT, and you should know that the fact he'll be a year old in a month is so staggering until I think of all the milestones he's hit this year, and I'm all, Only a year? My oh my, feels you've been impressing the hell out of me all my life.

What's new with you?

Things I want to do in 2010

I don't like the word 'resolutions'. To me, that sounds like you fell so short the year before you have to make a resolution to improve. Instead, I like the idea of fresh starts with big goals and bigger dreams.

I think 2010 is going to be a pretty kick-ass year. I have a feeling. 

So, some things I'd like to do next year:

1. Throw a mimosa brunch for my best friends.

2. Spend a weekend in College Station with Mike.

3. Take a few steps in the right direction of starting an organization that provides resources, encouragement and support to new moms.

4. Put together a book of memories I've been meaning to make for a special someone. (Purposefully cryptic!)

5. Run a 5K, then a 10K, then a half-marathon.

6. Host a holiday ornament exchange and cookie decorating party.

7. Make great strides in being the kind of friend who remembers and acknowledges birthdays better.

8. Introduce Kyle to all the family he hasn't gotten to meet yet.

9. Own a great pair of investment jeans.

10. Take a vacation, no matter to where or when, with just my husband. We've earned it.

11. Read at least 20 books. I can't remember the last year I did this. (2004, maybe?)

12. Write all my addresses into my file box.

13. Buy nightstands for our bedroom.

14. Let only good, genuine things motivate me.

15. Throw Kyle a kick-ass birthday party (making the invitations and a banner all on my own!) 

16. Make fitness and health a priority.

17. Buy a pretty dress (like this or this or this) and wear it out on the town, with my husband on my arm. 

18. Continue creating awesome, fun and inspiring content on Style Lush. (With the help of the awesome writers.) Also, host a Style Lush dinner at BlogHer 2010.

19. Make a dentist appointment.

20. Make crab cakes, chicken masala and cinnamon buns (from scratch).

21. Look fabulous at my 10-year high school reunion. 

22. Buy some art for our (bare) walls.

23. Take Kyle to an A&M football game.

24. Learn to drive a stick (uh, this has been on my goals list for years; time to buckle down!).

25. Watch The Wire.

Tell me, what do you want to do in 2010?

@runningtofit

Thanks for the nice words on yesterday's post; they got me thinking. In fact, I started a Twitter account to record my progress through this Day One and Beyond phase of things. Twitter is a such great resource for anyone looking for encouragement, help, a sounding board, inspiration, etc., and it's been good to me and for me, too. I hope to share links, recipes, honest truths (i.e. "totally craving a big, chocolate-y cupcake, yo.") and start some great conversations with you about weight loss, healthy living and reaching goals through it.

I'm at twitter.com/runningtofit, which is a name I created in the spirit of running to get fit, but also running to fit into the body I can see and remember, but the body that's been missing for a while. Losing weight and feeling good about yourself isn't just about fitting into a great pair of jeans, but, come on, that's certainly part of it and it's one great reward of it, too. So the name has lots of meanings.

I hope it's the accountability tool I want it to be.

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Hey, also, I'm in California this weekend visiting family (and introducing my boy to some of the people I get My Crazy from), but I'm stealing away Friday night for a blogging dinner meet-up in San Francisco. If you're in the city and want to join us, let me know. I'm leaving Kyle with a babysitter (my step-mom), but will be dragging Mike along with me, so you can see he's not made up.

Day One

First things first:

He wasn't thrilled, but he wasn't screaming his head off and if there's one thing I've learned since becoming a mom it's you take your victories where you can find them.

It's been pretty cold in Texas the last week (need I remind you of the snow?), so we skipped the town's (outdoor) Christmas parade and joined in the fun for (indoor) Santa pictures and free hot chocolate. When it was our turn, I said to the poor, teen-aged volunteer, "Take this quickly. I have no idea how it's going to go down." Good job teen-aged volunteer!

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I had the rest of this post just-about written and it was a long, rant-y thing about angry holiday shoppers and judgmental Central Market cashiers, but then I changed my mind. I was blog browsing and came across a post somewhere (oh, I can't remember where now) and it was titled Day One. It was about something completely off-topic, but inspiration is funny. It knocks you over when you least expect it.

I started thinking about starting over, day one, instead of no-fun holiday shopping.

See, I haven't lost much weight. If we're being honest, I've lost some, gained some, lost some, gained some and (sigh) I'm just a few pounds shy of where I started. In April.

That's not easy to write.

I don't want to talk about why or that sometimes I think I need a cupcake even when I don't need a cupcake or that sometimes I think I need eight cupcakes when, well, who needs eight cupcakes other than the entire female cast of the new 90210? No, I don't want to talk about that. Those are all excuses, and I hate excuses no matter how many I seem to give myself.

There's just such a disconnect between what I want and what I do, and I think getting from where I am to where I want to be is such a long distance, it's become too daunting, overwhelming, even sabotaging me from getting started. The first few steps are the hardest, right?, and that's been true for me.

I still plan to make 2010 my year, and that includes finishing some races, even a half-marathon, and I have faith in myself even if I don't have much reason to. I'll get there.

I'm making today day one, even if it's the 8,000th day one I've had over the years. Every good, healthy change has a day one, especially the lasting changes. I don't know how many days this will take. I suspect a lot. I also suspect you're sick of hearing about this (I'm sick of it myself), and I'm sorry to subject you to so much whining and lamenting. Oh, no one likes a lamenter, not even me.

I hope this is my last day one.

Giveaway (but not here); other stuff too

You don't come here to read posts about other blogs, I know, so forgive me for continually forcing Style Lush-related odds-and-ends down your throat. I'm just so proud of the site and the writers. I had this little idea one day, and it's now an actual thing. That's cool, no matter how late that little idea keeps me up each night (hint: hella late). Hey, maybe you can benefit from my late nights.

We're offering one Style Lush reader a free Kramey Martin banner. Free! That's a really good price for a banner. Enter to win by midnight on Thursday, 10/29, which is basically tonight. So, go comment. That's all you have to do! 

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This year has easily been the craziest, hardest, most rewarding of my life, and as I approach 2010 and then Kyle's first birthday, I think of all I did and didn't do and what I'd like next year to look like. 

More than anything, I'd like to be more thoughtful of the people in my life. More often than not, my mom reads news or happenings about me and Kyle on Twitter instead of directly from me. Friends see Facebook status updates instead of personal e-mails or phone calls. Birthdays go by unnoticed or even unmentioned. I'm not proud of any of this, and I'm trying to find the delicate balance of being the kind of person I can respect -- the kind who goes out of her way for the people in her life -- while still staying strong and secure -- not letting other people's thoughts and opinions dictate how I feel. 

One thing I'm doing is co-hosting a champagne and cake party with Kristie next month. There is no special occasion for the party except the desire to get a bunch of friends together for a night. So often, insecurities cause us to begrudge the successes and joys of our friends because of our own shortcomings. This is a quality of mine -- the tendency to knee-jerkingly envy other people's lives instead of feeling genuine happiness for them -- that I hate and that I'd like to nip in the bud. Like yesterday. So, we've invited a houseful of people over to sip a champagne cocktail and to munch on cake and cupcakes. Not a bad idea, right? Mike asked if this was just an excuse to eat cupcakes and send out an evite. It annoys me when I'm reminded he knows me so well.

I also want to get my stress in check over the next few months, before Kyle's memories really start to form. I do a lot, and this is how I choose it. I don't have to blog or throw parties or go on trips, but I like having things to look forward to. I enjoy almost everything I choose to fill my life with (other than the dishes; those blow), but I spend most days tense, tired, snappy. I hate that. I talked a little bit about my thoughts on taking real and true care of myself -- physically -- at Bodies in Motivation, and I'm excited to get happy on the outside.

It's a little early to start looking to the new year and new changes, but as we gear up for the holidays, and I realize we have so much to do throughout the rest of 2009 to make some awesome Kyle's-first-holidays memories, this stuff has been on my mind a lot.

The first year as a mother is pure insanity, at least it has been for me, and I'm finally starting to design the life I want, on this side of normal.

All over the place

At Bodies in Motivation, I'm ripping my heart out and wearing it on my sleeve today. If you go over to read, go easy in the comments, would you? It's not a hard thing to share, really, as it's no surprise to anyone who has spent any amount of time with me, but it's still not a carnival ride to remind people I'm a flawed girl with a hard past. My eating disorder is the giant elephant in the room I've been avoiding since I started chronicling my weight-loss goals post-baby (10 lbs lost so far, which isn't a whole helluva lot, but I'll still take it). I don't like avoiding awkward topic points, though, so I wanted to finally address it. It's probably why I over share, so I won't ever be accused of holding back.

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In other blogging news, I'm working on getting something new up and running, and it's monopolizing a lot of my free time, so I haven't been able to update my "Post of the Day" sidebar feature as much lately. I bookmark a lot of blog posts throughout the week, though, so here's a few you should go read:

She Just Walks Around With It's really awesome post on breastfeeding. I know we collectively decided that breastfeeding isn't all that controversial a topic -- you do what's best for you and yours, the end -- but Kristy makes some great points in her post, and I enjoyed reading it a lot. Thought you might, too.

Mommy Melee's "Tribes" post. I found this site when the whole Dooce/Maytag insanity hit the Twitter fan. I thought her comments on the whole messy subject were so full of grace and well-articulated, I decided I liked her before I saw how ridiculously cute her two boys are. This post, about needing help raising our children, is so good and spot-on. We can't do it alone, we shouldn't have to do it alone. It takes a village, and that doesn't make a single one of us incapable or weak. It makes us a community. 

Sweet Juniper's "Chypre." My words won't do this post a bit of justice. So, here's a passage:

"They fall in love with every new city, every town they see on this trip through upstate New York and Vermont. The impetuousness that brought them to the west coast and back still tempts them to try new lives. She starts crying in Middlebury, Vermont, as it hits her that one day she will see her kids off to college. One day they will be gone, he thinks. Someday again it will just be her and me.

Some men see women like these two see towns. They see possibilities in each. They wonder what ifs. But when he sees other women, he can only wonder how lucky he was to find this one when he did."

God, I hope everyone alive is loved like that by someone.

Kristin's "Scenes from a Drink." Kristin is making a pledge to give up drinking, and I was inspired by her desire to lead a healthier and happier life. Since becoming a mom, I have felt the grip of stress tighten around me like never before, especially with all I have to juggle each day. I find myself wanting a glass of wine or champagne or a frosty beer at the end of a hard day more often than before, and there's nothing really wrong with that, but I also want to deal with my stresses without the help of alcohol. I want to curb my intake because I think it's important my son always gets the best version of me, and I think it's important that I'm consistently checked into my life. Not that there isn't a time and a place for champagne in my life, but I think many of us could probably cut back on the fatty foods we eat, the stiff drinks we drink and the amount of reality TV we watch, you know?

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I took down my old blog roll recently because it was gathering dust, and I was adding a lot of really cool, talented men and women to my regular reads list without adding them to my links list. So, I'm updating, and fixing some gross oversights (html is a real bitch, and somehow links were wrong and some of my favorite reads were just plain missing). But, I'd love to know who your favorite reads are. Who am I missing. Whose words have changed your day lately?

Security

For the past few weeks when Kyle finishes his bottle -- and then I take it away from him because his bottle is empty -- he freaks out. He cries and screams and reaches for it with the kind of sad eyes that will totally get him the car keys one day. At first I just assumed this was the one quality my son was going to get from me. So far he's his father's spitting image, in personality and looks, but if he loves food as much as I suspect he loves food, well then there you go. THERE'S MY DNA. But one time I just handed him back the empty bottle to sort of stick it to my six-month old. Look, child, IT'S EMPTY. IT WILL NO LONGER HIT THE SPOT. LET'S MOVE ON NOW. Except, well, he was instantly comforted. Sure, sometimes he tries to drink from the (still empty) bottle, but when nothing comes out he doesn't fall into hysterics all over again; he just turns it over and over in his hands and looks at it curiously. Then he pulls it close to his chest and just sort of ... holds it.

I kind of suspected something this adorable would happen around this age. You know, WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL or a BLANKET or something other than an empty bottle. 

This morning I got home from the gym* and Kyle was down after his morning meal. I crept in to give him a goodbye kiss before heading to work and there was his bottle snuggled in next to him. 

But, MY GOD, whatever works, you know?

 

Here he is asleep Sunday morning on our bed, but there's his bottle, beside him.

*You read that correctly. I got up this morning at 5:30 a.m. and WORKED OUT and no one PAID ME to do it. Would you like me to wait here while you scan the horizon for flying pigs? Go on, I don't mind. Felt good, I have to admit.

Updates

Thank you for all your comments last week. Thank you, also, for caring enough about my son to spend any amount of time thinking of us at all. To say your thoughts meant a great deal to me falls grossly short of what I really want to say. 

Kyle is still doing OK. There was some choking/gagging on Friday, but by the weekend, he was his normal self again. I feel that by saying he's doing better, I should be able to say I'm doing better, too, but I'm really not. I wasn't expecting to still be as shaken up as I am. I had to throw out the clothes he was wearing that night and the towels I used to clean things up because looking at them caused what I can only describe as a mild anxiety attack. Also: awful flashbacks to the look on my boy's face as he was choking. I will never be able to read the post I wrote about what happened, and I really don't like talking through the events of the night, either, so if I've let your call go unanswered, this is why. It means the world that you care, but I can't detail what happened one more time. I need to stop crying, and putting it out of my mind is certainly one way to do it. We also canceled a Sunday trip to San Antonio we had planned for months because the thought of leaving my boy overnight was too much for me. In six months, the thought of leaving him has never suffocated or pained me as much as it did this past weekend. I hope that feeling fades, but it's still pretty raw right now.

All in all, I am trying to learn from this experience. Sharing it with the Internet was not without a purpose either. I got plenty of emails/DMs/comments that said something to the extent of: "this changed my mind/this opened my eyes/this made me re-think the kind of parent I want to be/this made me re-think judging parents who have strong opinions, etc." That was my purpose. If this helps anyone, then it was a story worth telling.

I have always struggled with caring a little too much about what others think of me. This feeling did fade some after having Kyle because I know I'm a good mom, and the right mom for him. He's a happy, normally-developing, seemingly well-adjusted baby, and that's really all the proof I need. But, like a normal human being, I still want people to like me and for them to validate my choices as a mother. I've had to struggle a little with reconciling my confidence in being a good mom and my desire to want to hear I'm being a good mom. But, this recent experience has certainly shown me that when you make decisions rooted in love, you can't fail your kids.

Also, I am my son's voice until he can use his own, and that's an honor and a privilege, not a burden. I owe it to him to speak up for him, no matter what, no matter when.

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In other news, Kyle started a new day care this morning. Since moving into our new house, he's been at a new branch of the same facility he was at before (the one I loved so much). His new one was ... disappointing, though. I place most of the blame on the director. You can tell it's poorly run, even though it's a nice enough place. There was a revolving door of teachers, and I never saw the same one twice. He was cold and wet more often than not when I picked him up, and when I requested they leave me notes to update me on his day, they obliged for one week. After that, the notes stopped. Also, when I let the director know when our last day would be, she failed to tell his teachers. My mother-in-law picked him up that day, and they argued with her over taking his stuff.

"HE NEEDS HIS BLANKET FOR NAPS! YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE IT."

"But, see, he will no longer be napping here."

"What?"

"It's his last day."

"What?"

It was just an overall bad fit.

He started a new, much smaller, less chaotic place today, and I think it's going to be better for him and for us. And, we are paying less for more services. Bonus!

So, we're on our third day care and, ironically, our third pediatrician, as well.

Sorry, kid, no consistency for you!

I haven't talked about our pediatrician issues here but the first one was great, we enjoyed her a lot, but one of the nurses was 1) a chain-smoker and 2) really bad with needles and 3) awful with his bedside manner. (He told me my kid bled a lot during his 2-month shots because he "wouldn't stay still.") I simply didn't love the pediatrician enough to request other nurses.

The second pediatrician came highly recommended, and I think he's probably an excellent doctor, but he told me my kid was too sensitive because he started crying during an exam. Also, when he asked what I wanted in a doctor, I said, "I want someone to look me in the eyes and listen to my concerns." He said, "Well, doctors are too busy for that."

Again, bad fit.

So, cross your fingers third times a charm all around!

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Finally, we're all moved out of our old house and into our new. We spent most of the weekend tying up a gazillion loose ends over at the rental property, after the electricity had been turned off, in the middle of August in Texas. I turned to Mike at one point and said, "I bet people in hell are walking around going, 'Hey, silver lining about spending an eternity here: AT LEAST IT'S NOT TEXAS.'"

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We have started a Sunday night grocery shopping tradition. It gives us time to spend together as a family, and we're saving money and eating better. (Win-win!) Kyle loves the grocery store, and even if he's screaming his crazy little head off, as soon as we walk in, all the sights and sounds capture his attention. He's usually fairly fantastic the entire time, which gives Mike and I plenty of opportunity to fight over our snack choices without distraction.

Last night in Wal-Mart, just as we were finishing up, Mike got up on the cart's bottom rack and pushed it down the aisle. AND KYLE LOST HIS MIND. He thought that was the funnies thing he'd ever seen in his whole six-month life. He laughed so hard we spent the next 15 minutes doing it over and over and over again, just to hear him laugh and laugh and laugh. After we checked out and were in the parking lot, I tried to do it one more time, but he was totally over it and practically rolled his eyes at me. "God, Mom, that's so 15 minutes ago." Parenthood is a wild, humbling ride.

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I've been pretty bad about linking to my posts over at Bodies in Motivation and MamaPop, but I'm still writing and enjoying both sites. Go visit and comment, too. (All the other bloggers/writers are wickedly talented, seriously, so you can't lose by reading anything on either site, and, no, I'm not being paid to say that.)

I feel good about my weight loss, so far, even though it's pretty slow going. I believe I'll get there eventually, and I've recently joined our town's rec center (and acquired a fellow blogging work-out buddy!)

I think one cool thing about weight loss (or any lifestyle choice) is how much control we have about changing something that isn't working. Losing weight isn't impossible for anyone, and if you're unhappy with how you look and feel, you can do something about it, no matter what that may be. I'm not saying weight loss is that easy or simple and for someone who has constantly struggled with her weight and body image, I'm not here to try and convince anyone it is. I do think it's an empowering way to look at it, though. I can change this anytime I want. I can make better choices whenever I feel like it. Taking back the power in any situation is an impressive first step, and it's one I feel I've made in terms of living happier and healthier. That's something, it really is.

I can't wait to share before and after pictures with you. No matter how long it takes.

Life these days

Life is getting pretty exciting around here, and I can't help but think it's because a certain baby will be six months old in a few weeks. Not yet, no, but soon. Back when he was nothing more than a pooping blob of screams, someone said to me, "Just wait. When he's six months old, he'll be more fun than you can stand." I said back to this person, "SIX FREAKING MONTHS FROM NOW? Well, that does me a lot of good TODAY." (I was grouchy but, lo, I was exhausted.) That person didn't even scratch the surface, though. Kyle is not just fun, he's MIND BLOWING. He's not just enjoyable, he's UNBELIEVABLE. He's always been a person, yes, but he's now this real little boy with his own likes and dislikes and preferences and a REAL sense of humor. He's just so damn cool.

Last night Mike and I were lying in bed, talking about this and that. I said to him, "It sucked for awhile but it doesn't suck anymore, does it?" He laughed and said, "No, it doesn't. Life is good."

That's not the only reason excitement is in the air, but it's the start and the end of it all. A happy baby does wonders for the soul.

In addition to Kyle (and his grinning, drooling self), this marks the month we start traveling again. Mike and I are explorers at heart, and because we've planted roots in a place where we never thought we'd plant roots (funny how life works out, you know?), we've committed to seeing as much of the world as we can. Traveling isn't a luxury. Vacations aren't something you take if there's extra money. I believe you should plan and save for trips the way you plan and save for home projects or car repairs or other necessities of life. Life is too short to travel next year. You can explore on a budget, I assure you, and you should you should you should. This month (next week!) we're off on baby's first cross-country adventure. We're traveling to Portland to see a dear friend get married, and we're squeezing in as much fun as we can while there.

We have other trips planned throughout the rest of the year. Some with the boy, some without, but we're stoked that with these trips, we're reclaiming the part of our past lives we genuinely missed. I don't miss much (other than the waistline and all that extra cash we're now pouring into diapers and day care), but trips heal me, so I'm glad to have a few on the horizon to look forward to.

(And, I know that traveling WITH a baby is drastically different and far less relaxing than traveling WITHOUT a baby, which is why we're balancing trips WITH the baby with trips WITHOUT the baby. Our jaunt to Portland may be utterly exhausting but our trip to Vegas this October will be utterly exhausting because of all the alcohol and not all the demanding baby needs. Not to mention my Escape to Sacramento, which is going to be more of a baby-free, all-over California Adventure. So, no romantic notions of traveling easily and painlessly with an infant, I assure you!)

(That does remind me, though, any thoughts on how to fly with a baby and a sound mind all at the same time?)

Randomly going back to talk about my waistline, I've started losing weight (mentioned here) and it's amazing what that's done for my state of mind. I'm not saying the key to happiness is weight loss, but when you start eeking your way toward any goal, it feels empowering. One aspect of moving toward this goal has been meal planning, and this week marked the first week I cooked at home every single night. That's pathetic, I KNOW, but it's the truth. (Oh, to clarify, I mean first as in EVER not first as in this month or year.) (That clarification did nothing but make you think I'm MORE pathetic, I know.) Sundays will hopefully become our menu planning/grocery shopping extravaganza days, and I've become sort of obsessed with the task of bookmarking and choosing recipes, so if you have any you'd like to share, my husband and my thighs thank you. (This week we made grilled steak and baked beans, feta-stuffed turkey burgers with a side of broccoli, jambalaya and a veggie pasta. Tonight is Greek pitas with pan-seared mushrooms.)

 

Looks like someone else is just as excited about life as I am.

Tell me, what are you excited about these days?

Cause and effect

It's been a little over five months since I gave birth, and my crazy pregnancy self thought I'd be in a bikini by now. The same crazy pregnancy self who was shoveling chocolate croissants into her mouth at impressive speeds. Cause and effect, crazy pregnant lady. Look it up.

I've been puttering around the last couple months, wanting so badly to lose the baby weight but also wanting so badly to hang on tightly to my Taco Bell/Wendy's/Jack N the Box addictions. GUESS WHICH DESIRE WAS KICKING THE OTHER'S ASS? I wasn't doing myself any good, and every time I'd try to kick start the weight-loss, I'd trip all over my own excuses and negativity.

My next post is up at Bodies in Motivation, and in it I talk about being aware of both the food I'm consuming and the way I internally talk to myself. These are two integral parts of weight-loss, I think. As I said in the BIM post, "If I knew a friend was  struggling with weight, I’d offer a million different words of encouragement yet, before now, I never offered myself a single one." That's bullshit, right? I deserve the same positive words I offer my best friend or my sister or a favorite blogger.

I tried to skirt around this for weeks, but there's a serious connection between how you feel inside and how you look outside and although it's a crazy, destructive pattern (I feel like crap because I eat badly because I feel like crap), I think -- as with anything else in life -- acknowledging and being aware is the first, painful step. Getting over that first, painful step is crucial to sailing on to a happier and healthier life.

Additionally, in the same BIM post, I talk about being somewhat complacent about life (food, fitness, finances) and that -- surprise, surprise -- no one is going to be my biggest fan or my strongest advocate if I don't take those roles seriously myself. If I can't be proactive when it comes to the important things in life, why would anyone else be proactive on my behalf?

Basically, this past week has been a really important one for me. I'm starting to realize how much control I have over my own happiness and health, and it's as simple as believing I'm worth the energy and the time.

Oh, and this week I lost 4 pounds.

Cause and effect. Seems I looked it up.

Eating, sleeping, growing

I'm still posting at "Bodies in Motivation." It's such a great outlet for me, and I want to publicly thank Linda again for creating a place where I can keep track of my journey, find inspiration from others and work through some issues that weight loss digs up. I'm not down too much weight yet, but it's a slow process, and I know that success is only possible when you keep frustration at bay. It's so easy to throw up your hands and think, Well, if I haven't lost 15 pounds in two weeks, I may as well indulge in this chocolate cake, with a side dish of pepperoni pizza. It's hard to stay patient and dedicated, and knowing I'll be writing about my process once a week does keep me more focused than I usually am when trying to lose weight. If you're reading my posts over there, thank you. If not, go take a look and see if there's any input you can offer. I'd appreciate it like you wouldn't believe.

Moving on, Kyle really is sleeping so great these days. I'm usually rather hesitant to mention these types of positive things on my Web site because he apparently has a mini-laptop in his crib that he pulls out to check up on his mother's thoughts from time to time. I can almost see him rubbing his little chubby hands together when he sees me getting comfortable, promising to spice things up the very next day. So, I know when I say he's becoming a pretty spectacular sleeper he'll immediately stop sleeping, but I'm going to say it anyway. No, he's not sleeping through the night just yet, but he's almost there. Also, we've recently been putting him in his crib while he's still awake and he's begun putting himself to sleep. It's just a stroke of dumb luck that he started doing this, and I really can't take any credit whatsoever for that. I just decided it was time for him to go to bed one night so mama could pour herself something strong. I swaddled him up, cranked his mobile, popped his pacifier in and prayed like hell he'd wait at least a few minutes before wailing. And ... wouldn't you know. He never did. We've figured out the key is putting him down when he's extra smiley when he doesn't look like he's tired at all and somehow (PRAISE GOD) he falls asleep in minutes. Parenthood is hilarious in that IT'S INSANE.

The boy is still growing like a weed, though, and it's just killing me how fast time is flying these days. We fly through the weeks, we fly even faster through the weekends, and each morning as I get my boy dressed, I beg him to let me kiss on his neck and cheeks forever, to smile up at me always, to never scream that he hates me or steal money from my purse or date hussies. I know it's pointless, he'll do all those things and then some, so then I beg myself to stop more often these days to soak him up, to remember these gloriously beautiful, chaotic, crazy days because they'll be days past so soon, in the blink of an eye. Time ticks on, and there's nothing at all we can do about its pace. Except perhaps be insanely grateful as it rolls along.

Oh, and also, squeeze the baby into clothes that are too small to make myself feel like he's not quite as big as he so obviously is.

A winner, a question

Quickly, before I go back to watching American Idol, popping my kid's pacifier back in his mouth for the nine kajillionth time and trying to figure out what to do for our upcoming anniversary weekend, let me announce the winner of this little giveaway.

I plugged some numbers into this Web site to make it all unbiased and official and the winner is:

Julie!

Julie, please email me within 48 hours to get your $20 Amazon gift card. Prize is back up for grabs after that.

And thank you to everyone who commented. You broke a comment record on this site and that's including the post I announced I was pregnant and Kyle's first post, too.

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In other news, I'm back in the gym tomorrow for the first time in ... a long time, let's just vaguely say. It's going to take some schedule manipulating to carve out some exercise and healthy cooking time for myself, but I'm excited to see if I can handle a few extra balls in the air. Summer is just around the corner, and I'm determined to welcome fall as a thinner, healthier version of myself.

So, question, if you're privy to the blog world's obsession with Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred," is it really as good as the hype? Give it to me straight.

Odds and ends

First, my next post at Bodies In Motivation is up and ready for you. I'll try to keep much of the weight talk reserved for that space and I'll only bombard you here with links and small updates. My sister left after a five-day visit this past Sunday and during that visit I allowed myself to eat and drink just about anything I could get my hands on. Yesterday marked the first day of my new healthier, weight-loss-focused phase of life, and I hope by next week (and the week after and the week after) I'll have only good news to report on this front. 

So, as I mentioned, my sister was here for a visit, and I'm so glad she came to spend time with her very first nephew. Kyle adored her -- it was obvious from the word go -- and I'm fairly sure she adored him right back. I think there was mention of sneaking him into her carry-on. It's hard having such important family so far away (she lives in Toronto) and it can make for frenzied visits (trying to cram in a lot more fun than most sleep-deprived and jet-lagged ladies can usually handle in less than a week) and it can also make for high expectations and, again, much, much drinking. There's some thought swirling around in my head about making the most of things and dealing with what you've been dealt and a little time with loved ones is better than no time with loved ones, but it all sounds so cheesy when all I really want to say is that I wish Kyle could see his aunt any time he wanted. With life being so rocky by design, it hardly seems fair that some certainties live so far away. And life isn't fair, I know, I know, but even the unfairness feels unfair at times.

In other, more exhausting news, we've hit a bit of a speed bump in terms of Kyle's sleeping. He's actually a fairly great sleeper and has been ever since we got him to accept that day is for naps and fun and night is for sleeping and nothing else until you're paying your own taxes. He can put himself to sleep when we put him down at just the right time and when we don't (when we miss that very small window of sleepy perfection) it only takes a few trips into his room to pop his pacifier back in and rub his head before he's drifting off again. He has one last meal between 10:30 and midnight and can usually go until 6 or 7 a.m. before eating again. So ... this appears like a pretty great system execpt (ha-ha) when he stirs himself awake in the middle of the night (anywhere from 2-5 a.m.) the only way to get him to drift instantly back to sleep is to pick him up and place him on my chest. The usual things that work (head rub and pacifier reinsertion) don't seem to work as well in the dead of night. (WHY OH WHY? ANSWER ME THAT!) He's not hungry during this wake-up -- my boy is a champion eater and when he's hungry, there are wails of epic proportions and nothing but a bottle full of food will stop those very dramatic, actually rather hilarious screams -- so I've dropped that feeding expecting he'd eventually quit waking up during that very late-night window, but he's still waking and he still doesn't seem hungry and I'm still picking him up and putting him on my chest to fall back to sleep and the transfer from chest to crib is rarely successful (which is hilarious because the carseat to crib transfer and arm crook to crib transfer and bouncer to crib tranfser are all rather easy). I need to get him to fall back asleep in his crib and I need to get some real, honest-to-goodness sleep (the kind of sleep I personally can't get with him attached to me) during that time. Are there little tricks I'm not aware of to get him 1) to fall back to sleep easier or 2) to stop waking up altogether? He's just about 10 weeks old, and I feel that's too young to cry in his crib right now for prolonged periods of time, but are those my only options? Let him cry himself back to sleep or pick him up and never sleep soundly between 2 and 5 again? It's a funny little predicament we've found ourselves in and I could use some (pleasantly helpful!) feedback. 

Finally, I caught a kinda, sorty, mostly blurry smile from my son the other day. It was his first documented smile, though, and how can I not share that with you. 



I sometimes ask myself why we did this, not simply because of the sleep-deprivation and the baby screams and all the clothes that will never be the same because they're drowning in his spit-up, but because the emotions I feel are too consuming, too terrifying, too much. He's too perfect, too beautiful, too precious. And the real world is rarely any of those same things. How do I reconcile that this life we're leading in this spinning world will never fully deserve his perfect little existence in it. The day will come when he's no longer so perfect but that will be wholly our faults, not his. We'll have tainted him, jaded him in ways we can't even fathom yet. He's simply too good for us. When I let myself think of ALL THAT it's easy to wonder what we've done. 

One smile, though. That's all it takes to believe in all this again. To believe he's the only thing we've ever done that makes perfect, no-doubt, beautiful sense. 

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Updated to add: Trent, you're awesome. Why can't Mike be as awesome as you?

Let's move my weight down the page

With baby pictures!

This is how he usually looks in restaurants. KNOCK ON WOOD RIGHT NOW. Although we don't always let his hat hang over his eyes.


Kyle, just hanging out at a party. He was making eyes at my beer and hoping I'd slip him a sip. In good time, my son. In good time.

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My sister is in town, so I'm showing her the town (wine tasting! shopping! Target!) and forcing her to hold her nephew as often as I can push him into her arms. He's been great, reminding Mike and me again that he reserves his hell-beast impersonations for his parents. Lucky, lucky us.

Thank you for the really kind words on Monday's post along with my post at Bodies in Motivation. My skinny jeans thank you too. Let's all hope I'll be slipping into them in no time.

Bodies in Motivation

I approached Linda (the mastermind behind the weight-loss site "Bodies in Motivation") last week about contributing to her site. She graciously accepted, and my first post is up today. (There are even pictures!)

A section from that post (a.k.a. the realest this blog is ever going to get and also the reason I'll need a drink as soon as I hit publish):

"Let’s just get the uncomfortable part over with, shall we? You know, the numbers. I’m not sure why I get so hung up on people knowing these numbers; it’s not as if telling you I weigh 120 pounds makes my thighs shrink. I mean, you have eyes, right? YOU CAN SEE THAT I DON’T WEIGH 120 POUNDS. So, let’s rip off the Band-aid: I weighed 200 pounds the day I gave birth. That is quite a lot of pounds, isn’t it? That day (my son’s birthday) was eight weeks ago and this morning when I stepped on the scale it read 178. That’s … still quite a lot of pounds. My goal is to get down to around 130 pounds. That was my weight three short years ago....

I have one other motivation for this weight loss, and that’s the little (again, munchable) boy in the picture above. Not only so I can offer him a healthier, happier mother, but also so I can participate in his childhood. So I can be a documented part of his childhood. I’m scared Kyle will look back on his first year and wonder, why wasn’t my mother in more than three pictures? Where was she?

I’m here. I’m right here. I don’t want him to ever doubt that."

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I just posted my weight on the Internet. I expect immediate death by embarrassment any second now. But I'm sort of sick of lying about the number and sneaking snacks and hating this body, this body that not only gave me the most beautiful gift (Kyle) but recovered from labor so quickly, I was up and walking around an hour afterwards and took an unassisted shower later that night. The body that barely needed painkillers the week after.

I hope my story and progress is identifiable to someone out there, and I hope the accountability of posting online will motivate me to actually reach my goal. God knows I've declared a thousands times that Today will be The Day to begin losing weight. And I usually end that day with a piece of chocolate cake. No longer. Sure, there may be the occasional piece of cake but there will also be honesty. About time, I'd say.

Weighting

I had Kyle almost six weeks ago, which hardly seems possible but a quick check of the calendar assures me it is. I'm still eating as if I'm nine-months pregnant, though, and can't you just imagine how that's working out for me? And working out for all those dusty clothes of mine that haven't seen the light of day since, oh, SOMETIME LAST YEAR?

I lost just about thirty pounds the first week I was home from the hospital. Every day I'd step on the scale and shout to Mike, "Six more fell off!" And, boy, that helped my case of the blues that first week. Sure, I was crying every 20 minutes but I was also losing weight without even trying and, come on, that's a pretty nice silver lining to the baby blues. Those pounds are still more or less gone -- more if I weigh myself right when I get up or right when I've gone 12 hours without eating because Kyle is being especially demanding and less if I weigh myself at any other time -- but I still have around 30 to 35 pounds to lose to reach my goal weight. Do you know what isn't conducive to reaching one's goal weight? EASTER* CANDY. Do you know what's currently littering our coffee table and kitchen counters? Yep. Uh-huh, you got it. Easter candy. (Tasty, tasty Easter candy.)

I go back to the office in roughly three weeks, and I keep telling myself that going back to the office will provide me with a more solid routine that will allow me to concentrate on adult things such as sending out professional emails and talking news stories with my officemate and, yes, counting calories since that's when my days won't revolve around only two things: 1) Kyle and 2) devouring everything within an arm's length.

(A solid routine is the silver lining I am creating to comfort myself about returning to work. Although I love my job and even miss my job and really, really miss the people I work with, the thought of leaving Kyle in anyone else's hands has me breathing into a paper bag and requiring a Costco-sized supply of Kleenex.)

I do have to be really, really honest with myself here, though: Although a routine is something I'm very much looking forward to, I don't think it will be the secret of fitting back into my size-six jeans. See, my office is much closer to Sprinkles than my house is and, also, my co-workers like Chipotle just as much as I do. The hard truth is that I'll lose the weight when I make the effort to lose the weight and it hardly matters if I'm at home all day taking care of my son or sitting at my desk all day taking care of my authors.

Here's my question for you: would you be interested in hearing about my weight-loss journey? I've written about my weight before -- at length -- but I think if I had some sort of community holding me accountable, it would at least motivate me to put down the chocolate marshmallow bunnies some of the time. But, be honest, does adding diet talk to what's quickly becoming Solely A Mom Blog make you instantly cringe and click over to another Web site? Does a weekly weight-loss update post sound like what insomnia cures are made of?

What if I entice you with before-and-after photos? (Who doesn't like before-and-after photos? It's half the reason I watch "The Biggest Loser.") I'll even offer the before photo ... before (as in this week)?

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*Speaking of Easter, I cannot stop browsing little boy Easter outfits. Mike and I are not religious in the organized sense and we have no religious-type plans this Easter but you can sure as hell bet that I will make grand plans if I can put this hat on my boy or this sweater vest or these overalls (seersucker for babies, OMG).