(I changed the title ever-so slightly from the last few weeks because, um, I'm learning nothing from watching this crap.)
1. Shayne fell down the stairs. Awesome.
2. Robin? Where did you get those pajamas you were wearing in the opening scene? Wherever you got them ... DON'T GO BACK THERE.
3. Matt, I realize you're filming this show in America, so we appreciate how many compliments you've given our grand land. And Idaho actually is quite beautiful, I know, but more beautiful than France? Now, come on. Were you stretching the truth when you said that? Just a tad?
4. Now, everyone who knows me remotely well is going to think I've become sick after they read this, but, JEEZ, they drink a lot on this show. Can anyone do anything without a glass of champagne in their hand? Did we learn nothing from Kelly last week?
5. Where do you think those mustard-yellow mugs are from—the ones Matt and Chelsea sipped from on their one-on-one date? WHY AM I SO INTO MUSTARD YELLOW THESE DAYS?
6. Matt, I love that you said "ass." That's it.
7. I've been snowboarding once before, and one day I'll tell that story (it's a story that involves me crying—hysterically—on the side of a mountain and Mike wondering just what in the hell he had gotten himself into with me) but because of that horrific, disastrous day, I know what snowboarding entails. So, I'll just go ahead and put this out there: I've gained respect for Shayne. I KNOW.
8. Wait, Robin, you're 22? No! Couldn't be! Are you 22 like Shayne is an actress? If you're actually 22, then perhaps my readers can help you by suggesting a new moisturizer. Readers?
9. Noelle? Will you be my BFF?
10. Chelsea, where did you get your rose-ceremony dress? Lovely!
11. Robin said, "I always get what I want." Robin, WANT A BETTER MOISTURIZER.
12. Shayne has far too many flowers that serve as hair accessories. Lorenzo, buy the girl a nice shiny barrette, will you?
13. Bye Robin! Bye Marshana! Try not to gouge each other's eyes out during the limo ride home.
14. I'm feeling all out of sorts with television this week. I actually didn't like Carly's performance on American Idol. I kind of sided with Spencer on The Hills. (Wow, I'd pack your parka if you're heading to hell this week.) I had a damn EPIPHANY while watching One Tree Hill which is a fantastic show, don't get me wrong, but I've had very few epiphanies while watching it in the past. And, um, Shayne is kind of growing on me. She's just so endearingly out of her mind. She never makes me want to punch her in the head, like I wanted to do with Robin at various moments and with Marshana at all moments. Actually, she just makes me want to sigh, shake my head and say, "Screw it. Pour me whatever she's having." She seems to be having just a ball out there in left field, and it's kind of bless-her-heart charming.