A few days ago Jennie sent me - Heather B. of No Pasa Nada - an email asking if I had time in my rather hectic schedule of sitting around and staring out the window, to guest post for her this Friday since she would be away for work. It took me exactly five minutes to reply that I was not busy and obviously so since I was able to get back to her immediately after I got her email. Of course then I did a bit of hyperventilating as I am prone to do because what the hell would I write about? Also Jennie is JENNIE and every time prose runs from her brain to her fingers to the page I curse the Universe for not giving me that kind of talent.
So later that day I went to get some wine - Riesling if you must know since I'm headed towards my light summer phase also because when it's good and cold, the second it hits your lips you want to be sitting on a backyard patio with an outdoor Mediterranean kitchen. While someone grills shrimp and corn and roasted peaches and excuse me because I've digressed and there is drool all up on my desk. Anyway, I get home with my Riesling and say hello to the animals. My roommate has a dog and a cat; Daisy and Simon. Daisy is perfectly pleasant and sweet as can be. Simon ripped a chunk out of my leg WITH HIS TEETH when I first met him. I ended up spending months walking around my apartment with a spray bottle to shoot streams of water at him anytime he entered the room. He now snuggles next to me while I'm typing and follows me around the kitchen while I bake and curls up in the nook of my arm and is so god damn precious that it makes me forget about the massive scar on my leg.
I say hello to the animals and they both eye me for getting to be outside and in the sunshine while they sat around the house watching Oprah all day long. I'm wearing flip flops and the second I step into the kitchen I feel my left foot slip from under me. I manage to regain my balance and grab onto the door frame and turn on the light. I look down as I mutter a hearty the hell?! and what I see when I look down and survey my kitchen causes me to recoil in fear.
It's cat puke. And not just one small pile of cat puke. It's like Simon ate furiously then purged each and everything he had ever eaten in weeks. If he were a human he'd be all "What the hell? When did I have corn?" The first pile that I had stepped in was the largest of the THREE piles. He puked in the door way. Walked in his puke then puked again. Walked in his puke then puked again by the window.
I remove my shoe and hop around on one foot while screaming maniacally because WHAT THE HELL there is CAT PUKE from a cat that ISN'T EVEN MINE all over my damn kitchen. Meanwhile Daisy and Simon just casually stare at me then Daisy walks over to me and is all sad eyes because she wants to go out and Simon starts weaving around my leg that is still on the ground wanting some love and I'm about ready to punt that little shit off the balcony. I then briefly contemplate leaving a note taped to a bottle of Clorox for my roommate saying that she should clean up after her damn cat and perhaps call her to tell her that her cat is about to be choked because DUDE it was EVERYWHERE and I needed my damn wine to be chilled.
But I'm nice so I clean up the puke without gagging and promptly email Jennie. I tell her that she's going to get a kick ass Pulitzer Prize winning essay on how my cat puked everywhere thus rendering me unable to get to my wine. Which is really the most important part of this story. Jennie writes back to me "You can even add that another good reason not to have pets is because when you put a beer on the coffee table they may "unintentionally" knock it over and then LAP IT UP themselves. Nobody wants to compete for alcohol with their dogs"
And that was the second I realized that if I didn't adore Jennie before I sure as shit did now. Because it's hard not to appreciate someone who gets you and knows that when it comes down to animal versus alcohol the animal will lose. So I had a come to Jesus talk with Simon where I shook my finger at him and said "If you ever screw with my drinking time again. You will be hanging off the balcony by your tail". He then sprinted away to my roommate's bed and I enjoyed my semi-chilled wine. Wine that would have been chilled perfectly if I hadn't had to maneuver around cat puke to get it into the fridge.
The end.