Last night Mike and I left Kyle with his grandparents for a couple hours and went out for pizza, a tradition we started our very first Valentine's together -- more than five years ago -- when the romantic dinner Mike had planned to cook me fell through, and we only had time to grab a quick slice of pizza.
We've had pizza every year since.
Our lives have changed dramatically and forever now that we have a son, and these first couple of weeks have been tough for us both, adjusting to a new life, new roles, fewer hours of sleep and less glamorous weekend plans. I am envious of the people who speak about coming home with their baby and fitting right into a schedule and adapting to the responsibility without a moment's pause. I think we're doing pretty good, but it hasn't been easy and it has taken some getting used to. There have certainly been a few times I've glanced over at Mike and wondered if this is what we signed up for, if we perhaps lost our respective minds because our boy sure is cute, don't get me wrong, but he is also insanely unpredictable, especially at 3 a.m.
My promise on this site has always been to be as honest as I possibly can, and so I'll be honest with you that, so far, being a mother is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
I have doubted myself a trillion times the last 10 days, and I think I'll doubt myself a trillion times more before the sun even comes up tomorrow morning. I know very few things for sure these days. One such thing is that I love him more than my own life, absolutely. There are times I literally have to catch my breath when I look at Kyle because, my god, is he beautiful and fragile and all mine. The other certainty, one that grows stronger and deeper with each tick of the clock, is that more than five years ago I shared a slice of pizza with the best man I've ever known. And, now, he is the best father I've ever known, as well.
Having him as my partner through this -- through everything, really -- makes me feel like the luckiest. Happy (belated) Valentine's, Kyle's dad.