I think there are a few great and genuine tragedies in life, apart from all the very obvious kids-are-starving-and-Spencer-Pratt-is-actually-famous ones. For instance, I think it's tragic so many new moms feel they must hide their fear and trepidation and loneliness about motherhood from the masses or, scratch that, from their friends and family. I think it's tragic mothers feel they have to go behind closed doors to scream or cry or just feel frustration because those who are watching won't approve. I think it's deeply and profoundly tragic that mothers are made to feel guilty for wanting an identity apart from their children, for desiring to cultivate friendships and hobbies and interests or for just wanting an afternoon at Starbucks to page through a Real Simple magazine. I think it's heartbreaking that actual moms have said to me, But no one told me it was OK to feel this way. Many bloggers forget that millions of women aren't parenting with a blogroll in their back pocket, and they are, literally, going at it alone. Their support system is limited to a pint of ice cream when the kids finally fall asleep.
I believe it takes a village -- a community of loving and supportive and encouraging people -- to raise a child. I believe we should find solace and comfort in the mothers who have mothered before us and it's fucking devastating that so often judgment and exclusion and superiority are found in place of that sought-after solace.
I had a very difficult first couple months with Kyle, and I was met with both judgment and solace, sometimes by the same person. I don't regret being honest -- here or otherwise -- about how it was for me and how I got through it. I don't regret saying, "Yeah, that first night home sucked like you wouldn't believe," because it did, and painting a pretend face on the way things are hurts no one more than the pretender.
Also, speaking the truth filled my inbox with words of encouragement. God, it sucks when honesty is held over our heads, but it's pure bliss when honesty is met with a round of applause, as it so often should be.
I leave on Wednesday for a girl's getaway, and I'm thrilled and excited and in need of this Escape, not because my life is so worthy of escaping, no, but because I love adventures, in all forms, and I love the many hats I wear, two of which are Traveler and Wine Sipper (Gulper?) and it's nice to wear those hats away from the laundry and the diaper pail. It's not that we should all need the same things, that all moms should get away from time to time, no, it's that we should all be encouraged to choose our own escapes, even if it's to the playground with our kids in tow. It's not about what we choose but the glorious freedom to have the choice at all.
Not all women struggle with newborns, but all women struggle with something. We all want to bang our heads against the wall at some point, over something, right? Even if it's just how we always manage to take the recycling out one hot minute after the recycling man has pulled away from the curb. It's the community we build for ourselves that talks us off the ledges of life, I think. It's cliche, it's cheesy, but, damn, it's everything.
And this isn't to say we should all stick our heads in the sand and then join hands for a round of Kumbaya. God, no. I don't desire a life void of conflict or disagreement or discussion. But I do think many women don't know how to disagree without becoming dirty, they don't know how to support without sarcasm. It's finding enough grace within to recognize the grace in others.
When you are confident and sure of your choices in life, you are never threatened or insulted when someone chooses differently.
Other than the adorable, munchable, growing-far-too-fast-for-my-liking, smiling, drooling, breathtakingly lovely little boy I get to call my son, one of the greatest joys of motherhood is being able to say these words to other mothers: "Oh god yes. I understand how you feel."
There are these Life Lists floating around the Internet, and I'm compiling, finalizing, tweaking my own because I've always had really big dreams and it's a nice idea to compile them into one, handy list. One thing that's steadily climbing to the top of that list -- something that is really turning into a passion for me -- is to speak openly and honestly about motherhood and marriage. To build a community online, offline, somehow, someway with the mothers I know and the mothers I should know. A serious life goal is to create a vocal, supportive, strong village for my son to grow up in.
And I thank you if you're already a part of it.