She Likes Purple

Joy

I finished reading Julie & Julia the other night, just in time for this new book club idea Jonna and I will be kicking off in 2010, and although I hear it's very uncool for bloggers to enjoy this book, let alone write (multiple) blog posts about it, there was a part at the very end that spoke to me and it wasn't about blogging or self-indulgence or cooking, even, it was this:

Julia taught me what it takes to find your way in the world. It's not what I thought it was. I thought it was all about -- I don't know, confidence or will or luck. Those are all some good things to have, no question. But there's something else, something that these things grow out of.

It's joy....

Sometimes, if you want to be happy, you've got to run away to Bath and marry a punk rocker. Sometimes you've got to dye your hair cobalt blue, or wander remote islands in Sicily, or cook your way through Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year, for no very good reason.

I know I can be sentimental as all hell, and it's crazy annoying to anyone who has to spend actual face time with me, and I can also be sappy and naive and silly, too, but another flaw of mine is that I let a lot stand in between me and real happiness, like my own hang-ups and worrying too much and, sadly, what others are thinking/saying/writing about me. It's a stupid way to go through life, I know this.

This passage reminded me that when I do this, when I let anything keep me from real, true, lasting joy, I rob myself of the life I deserve. Happiness looks a million different ways to a million different people, and we should all be fiercely devoted to going after whatever it is that makes us happy, joyful, alive.

As we say goodbye to 2009 -- a good, good year -- I look forward to the joy that lies ahead in 2010.

Watch out, get out of the way. I'm coming for it.

2009

(Last year. The year before.)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

Gave birth, bought a house, bought a car. I wasn't messing around this year.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

From last year's list, I said, "I do promise to lose the weight in 2009 once and for all." Well. That didn't happen. I have some serious goals for 2010: run a half-marathon, don't allow guilt to motivate me, play with Kyle as often as I can, travel some, be nice to Mike, work on stressing out less. All of these are important (see sidebar list for more) but I also want to keep my goals flexible and see what the year brings. I think it's going to be a good one.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I gave birth! We also have a new niece and some of my best blogging friends had babies, too.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just the U.S.: Portland, Las Vegas, New York City, Northern California

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you didn't have in 2009?

True perspective

7. What dates from 2009 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

February 5, 2009. I gave birth to Kyle, and that's just not something you forget for a multitude of reasons, am I right? Also, June 5, 2009, when we decided to give Kyle a new house for his four-month birthday.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

I lived to tell the tale of those first couple months of motherhood. Hell, I can even talk about those months with a wide-eyed grin, and I truly miss that little-bitty baby of mine. I imagine those months are like running a marathon: painful and enough to make you wonder, Why the hell am I doing this again? But afterward, oh man, you are blissfully high that your life includes the experience. (Did I just equate my baby to long-distance running? Apparently so.)

I'm also really, ridiculously, super proud of Style Lush and the women I've gotten to know better through working on it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Letting stress take hold of my behavior and mood so often. Also, not taking better control of my fitness and health.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Although I feel fortunate for the aftermath of my birth -- it wasn't nearly as awful as it could have been, I know -- I still gave birth and that included a catheter, an epidural and being stitched up down there.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A house!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Kyle's. He's such a sweet and (mostly) happy boy, and that's definitely worth celebrating, especially this specific behavior: Sleeping Through The Night.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I always struggle with this question because those adjectives are pretty strong, you know? Do you really want me to say, THIS PERSON, NOW LET US ALL CRINGE AT MY HONESTY! 

14. Where did most your money go?

Aside from bills because how obvious is that answer, you know?, I'd say day care. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

About five minutes into the pushing portion of labor (hi, male readers!), I thought, I AM ABOUT TO MEET MY SON! HE'S ABOUT TO BE HERE! ON THE OUTSIDE! Then I puked (literally), then he was here and then I fell in love.

Also, my California vacation with Kristie and the Blathering meet-up, Vegas with husband and friends and NYC for work.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

"I Will Walk 500 Miles" by The Proclaimers. It was the song that played on our way to the hospital to have Kyle. Also, "Give You Hell" by All-American Rejects. One day on my maternity leave, Kyle was screaming his sweet little colicky head off, and I started to sing it to him (why that song, I don't know), and he stopped and smiled at me. Although it's not remotely sweet, it's a song I'll always equate with happiness. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Happier, much.
Thinner, but just barely.
Slightly richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Exercised, saved money, slept

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Inhaling chocolate at 3 am to comfort myself for having to be up at 3 am with a squawking baby. Also, freaking out. I did a lot of that. 2010 is totally going to be the year I act like an adult in stressful situations, i.e. don't scream/cry/stomp my feet/comfort eat or yell profanities when things don't go my way. Hey, at nearly 28, it's probably high time I learned to cope with life, am I right?

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas Eve it snowed and snowed and snowed, but we still managed to get out and look at lights. Christmas Day, we had a low-key morning at home, just us three. I made homemade cinnamon buns (better in theory than in taste) and then cleaned like a mad woman in prep for our breakfast-for-dinner family dinner we hosted the day after Christmas. Lovely holiday.

21. Did you fall in love with 2009?

Oh, hell yes. Have you met this guy? If so, I bet you've fallen in love, too.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Top Chef, again, but also Friday Night Lights. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

These questions suck. No, seriously, stop asking them QUIZ.

24. What was the best book you read?

I read Love or Something Like It and that would seem to be the only book I actually finished (still working on American Wife and Julie & Julia, although those are both not-so bad). 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Avett Brothers, who sing "I and Love and You."

26. What did you want and get?

A healthy baby, but the question should really be what did you want and what exceeded your expectations nine million times when you got it? because that's what this kid has done. He's so much cooler than I'll ever be. Also, and in much more shallow news, an iPhone, whoo! 

27. What did you want and not get?

A European vacation. One of these days...

28. What was your favorite film of 2009?

Away We Go or Whip It or The Hangover. OR, FINE, NEW MOON. I'm getting ridiculous in my old age.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 27 in 2009, and I was 87 months pregnant, so I think we went to the movies and then I took an 8-hour nap or something similarly wild. Although, funny story, Mike made me a dozen or so cupcakes. I ate one but then later that day the plate was empty, so I just assumed Mike had put them up but later, upon finding the floor all sticky, I realized Molly got on the counter and ate them. When I told Mike he said, "Oh, I didn't want to ask because I thought you may have eaten them all." HE THOUGHT I ATE A DOZEN CUPCAKES! IN ONE DAY! That's not exactly the kind of sexy complex you hope to get in a marriage, am I right?

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I think winning the lottery is always the answer to this question. No matter how good your year happened to be, wouldn't it have been just that much more satisfying with a 10 million dollar payout? If you say no, we won't believe you, you should know.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2009?

"I'll get rid of this when I get skinny and then I'll buy fun clothes!" So, yeah, totally the kind of fashion concept that would encourage one to launch a style site! I'm going to prove I know what I'm doing in 2010, mark my words. (Although, don't, since declaring that always comes back to bite me in the ass.)

32. What kept you sane?

Writing, it's always my anchor.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

You know, I'd have to say our country's general outlook on maternity leave and benefits. It's not one political party, either, it's the entire complacent country that wonders why families continue to fracture as we fail them with inadequate paternity leave and a pathetic unpaid six weeks for new moms. I am comfortable and at peace with my breastfeeding decisions, but many women aren't because they have to be back at work with no place to pump. It's tragic, and it's just wrong, too.

34. Who did you miss?

My nephew, Noah. I didn't get to see him at all in 2009 and that rips my heart into a billion pieces. I miss you, Bug.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

The entire Blathering group (holla!), our new niece Ella and Heather, a work friend of Mike's, who has been so lovely and supportive of my family and this website.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Man, I learned only a kajillion, but I think the biggest (most important) lesson I learned was this: no matter what you do in life, someone will think it's wrong or think they could do it better or they'll use your life as gossip fodder, so accept you can't control a single thing another person thinks of you or your choices. Live for yourself and for your partners and your children. Choose to surround yourself with supportive and encouraging friends and family, and if you can't avoid people who aren't either of those things, kill them with kindness and don't give them an ounce of thought past what you must.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Life is short but sweet for certain -- DMB

 

Mini-getaway

If you had to shelve your very ambitious, very international 2010 vacation because of car issues and debt issues and, well, just issues, but you still wanted to take a (much) smaller, closer-to-home getaway, where would you go? Perhaps a city I'd never think of, or an area that never occurred to me.

To help you out, we've already been (together) to: Colorado, Connecticut, NYC, many parts of Northern California including Tahoe where we tied the knot, Southern California, the Virgin Islands, all over Florida, parts of Arkansas, Portland, St. Louis and Toronto. (Oh, and all around Texas.) Although we haven't traveled far and wide, we've certainly traveled, obviously.

Share your knowledge, globetrotters. I'd love to have you help us plan our 2010 (mini) vacation!

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Also, happy, happy birthday to my best friend, Natalie. 28 looks good on you!

Post-Christmas

Hey, first things first, take a look in the sidebar! Where my 2010 list lives. See how one item already has a nice, straight line crossed through it? AND IT'S STILL 2009? That would be me kicking ass, my friends. Although, thankfully none of you actually tasted the cinnamon buns I made from scratch Christmas morning because if you had, you'd be far less likely to pat me on the back for my achievement. As I was cleaning up the kitchen (for the 87th time in three days, my lord cooking makes a mess), I asked Mike, "Will you eat these if I save them?" and he didn't answer, which is how I know he doesn't want to answer and also doesn't want to lie and can't think of a non-lie, won't-start-a-fight response quick enough. He just says nothing at all in hopes I'll forget I asked him a question in the first place, which never happens, I AM A WOMAN, YOU KNOW. I asked again and he said (very noncommittally), "Uh, whatever." I asked again, and he said, "No, they weren't so good. Sorry, babe." And he was right. I either did something wrong or....no, that would be the only thing that could have happened, come to think of it.

 

(Other updates from this post, as in what I cooked and how it came out, can be found in my flickr stream. In case you don't feel like clicking through: the cinnamon buns were the only non-delicious part of our Christmas menu, thank goodness.)

Other than the food, we really did have a great holiday break, although things kicked off with Kyle getting bronchitis, and if you've ever been sent home from the pediatrician with a nebulizer in order to administer breathing treatments on your not-yet-year-old baby*, you know that's no way to ring in Christmas Day, MY GOD, THE HEART, IT BREAKS.

 

He was still a champ (he always is), so the hacking cough and raging fever couldn't quite keep him (nor his hair) down.

He even managed a smile or two.

And....other emotions, as well.

 

(He's crying because he now plays this new game called Throw All His Food Off His High Chair To Watch Molly Eat It. He thinks it's a great game, and who the hell am I to try and break him of this behavior when it keeps him 1) occupied while I do the dishes or (more likely) 2) entertained while I watch old 90210 episodes. But when all the food has been thrown, and he has nothing left to throw, THE WORLD ENDS OMG. Really, THIS is the kind of face you make when you're out of food to feed something else, child? I hope you channel that giving nature into taking awesome care of your mom one day.)

We also bought a car over the break and, yeah, that's even bigger than bronchitis, perhaps I should have led with it, but I'm still in a bit of shock about it. As you may remember, we definitely NEEDED a new car since the old one stopped reversing and, yes, you are allowed to laugh now, we realize it's kind of a funny thing to go wrong with a car, but it's less funny when you're the one driving the damn, non-reversing thing. So, we got a new one. Just like that. (Although NOT just like that, of course, as there was plenty of stressing and test-driving and crunching numbers and warnings of YOU CANNOT BUY ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL FOREVER PLUS A WEEK, GOT THAT?), but we have a new car. One that reverses. Phew.

Let's end on a snowier note, though, just because I'm still not over that we had a white Christmas Kyle's first Christmas. IN TEXAS.

 

(Front of our house, from the icy street.)

I hope your holidays were filled with all good things, and I thank you for joining me in 2009.

*I get to call him a baby until he at least turns one. GIVE ME THIS NEXT MONTH.

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At Style Lush today, I'm asking you to share your favorite holiday gift with us, so go answer.

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Don't forget to comment on this post (and pass the post along, if you would). I'm hoping to take a check to Jonathan's Place the second weekend of January, and I'd just love to mention how many people helped bring it there.

White Christmas

I've been told there hasn't been snow on the ground Christmas Day in the Dallas/Fort Worth area since 1983. 

 

A White Christmas

His first Christmas

Off to bake cinnamon buns and search for booze. You know, traditions.

Christmas Day

Oh what a year it's been. 

 

(Our cards are going out embarrassingly belated, so if you're on our list, act surprised when this shows up in your mailbox.) 

It seems our boy's first Christmas is going to be a white one, which is pretty damn cool. It's snowed all day Christmas Eve and I think the pictures I'll put up sometime soon will give you Northerners more respect for Texas. Well, a little more, at least. 

It's going to be a low-key Christmas around our house, and we're pretty thrilled about it. I hope whatever you're doing, you're thrilled about doing it, too. I also hope you are warm, well fed and loved today (and every day). 

Happy holidays from me to you.

**

Also, please don't forget to comment on this post. It's a good cause, and it's fun getting to know you better. 

In the name of the holidays

It's been a tough year. It's been hard, humbling, financially difficult, too, and that's one reason I'm greeting the holidays and 2010 with such enthusiasm. I'm stoked for what's in store because I'm leaving behind some exhausting (although definitely memorable) experiences.

I recently went back and read this post, which I wrote on one of my darkest days in mid-March. I was feeling particularly awful that day, low and sad and lonely. Kyle screamed for most of his first two months, and that made for eight very long and emotionally draining weeks. It stuns me that we have the same kid as back then because if you've been lucky enough to meet Kyle, you know he's a happy boy.

What I think of most when I read that post, though, is your support. Dozens of people reached out to me and to say you each helped me through that time is such an understatement, it's ridiculous. The blogging community saved me and without you, I wouldn't have been able to make it through, I know that. You're a force, I tell you.

When this community bands together, cool things happen, I've seen it countless times, and I know my readers are especially incredible. I've felt it firsthand. So, I'm stealing this great idea from Kristin, one of my favorite bloggers.

For every comment I get on this post from now until December 31, 2009, I'll donate 50 cents to Jonathan's Place, a local charity that specializes in taking care of abused and neglected children in Dallas and the surrounding areas. They also provide a foster and adoptive family program, which interests me. Mike and I have talked often about adopting one day. Anyway, I plan to take the check to them personally, so I can see how else I can donate my time. Kyle and I fly solo on the weekends since Mike started working his new hours, and I think visiting this incredible center would be a great way for my son and I to spend time together.

So, just as Kristin encouraged, tell me who you are in your comment. Your age, job, home town, family, etc. Just a little bit about you. Also, for fun, who was your favorite artist or band of 2009? (I'm looking for new music.)

You helped me out a lot this year, and I'm always so touched when you comment and/or email. It's like I have dozens of friends all around the country cheering me on. And people wonder why I blog.

Christmas cooking

We're staying put this Christmas, thankfully, because it's our first Christmas in our first home with our first boy and I think that calls for a little celebrating in our own backyard. Also, holiday traveling sucks, and my Christmas wish list* does not include spiked blood pressure.

But, all this time at home means lots a few holiday meals are my responsibility. So, in case you're in the same boat, let me share my (tentative, could-all-be-scrapped for Taco Bell) menus:

Christmas night
Chipotle pork cheeseburgers
The Pioneer Woman's potato bundles
Chocolate chip cookies

After Christmas, breakfast-for-dinner get-together with family
The Pioneer Woman's monkey muffins 
A breakfast casserole I'll give the recipe for soon enough (it's unbelievable)
Banana sour cream bread (or some other type of bread/muffin I might stumble upon, suggestions?)
Grand mimosas

What are you making this Christmas?

*I'm actually going to post my holiday wish list on Style Lush Wednesday. Stay tuned!

Sap

I bought the invitations today, pressed "purchase" without thinking and then it hit me, entire minutes later, birthday invitations? I need to catch my breath.

When they're little -- head-flopping, tiny-screaming and late-night-waking little -- you think, Oh, it'll be lovely when they can hold their heads up by themselves and smile.

When they get a little bigger, you think, Oh, it'll be great when they sleep in larger chunks.

When they master sleeping through the night, you get greedy and think, Oh, it'll be fun when they can sit up unassisted and hold their own bottle.

When they do all that, you think, When they can eat real food and not be dependent on me or a bottle, that'll be nice.

Then it's, when they can hold things and play independently.

There's so much ahead to look forward to, and it all zips by in such rapid succession, that it's easy -- no, it's nearly impossible to avoid -- looking to then instead of living right now.

Before you know it, before you can even believe it, you are buying first-birthday invitations and waving at your boy and helping him walk like a happy drunk and listening to his (unintentional) words.

I can't give advice on bottles or baby clothes or sleep training tips or the best toys. I've never felt all that "in the know" with those things. I can guess! Or, regurgitate what I've read/heard/been told before! But, I'm no real expert on any of that. All I know, all I can tell you if you're asking for mom advice, is this: stop, right now, right where you are and breathe it in. Don't worry about Saturday or January or the summer. Don't think about any of it, just try as hard as you possibly can to enjoy right here, right now. It's gone like that, and the cruelest joke the world will ever play on you is that what you were so eager to get to will look less beautiful in the moment than where you are now will look in hindsight.

You get your babies for one year before you buy birthday invitations and look up birthday cake recipes and start counting the months past twelve. You get one year to do it all the first time and although I imagine it's all still very cool the second time and third and fifth and 19th times, this first year is big, it's awesome, every bit of it. Enjoy every bit of it. (Stop, again, and breathe it in now, too.)

I can't wait to see him at one and two and three and every year he's with me. I can't wait because there's really good stuff up ahead, the best stuff, in hindsight. But I should wait. I need to learn to love to wait, to embrace and fall in love with right here, right now. 

Then

Now

We still have some serious living-in-the-moment time left before he turns one, I know, but buying those invitations, man, they sure did floor me.

I've been away from Kyle since Wednesday; he's been visiting family with his dad because we have a new baby girl in the family (yea! pink!), and I miss my kid like crazy. I can't get to him fast enough tomorrow, but once I'm with him, I'll stop, breathe him in and enjoy him, right then, right now.

Perspective, mid-trip

Me: Ah, crap. I think I lost my lip gloss.

Mike: That sucks. We can stop by the store and get you a new one.

Me: No, it's from Sephora.

Mike: Sorry, babe.

Me: Well, that's a waste of $23.

Mike: YOU SPENT TWENTY-THREE DOLLARS ON LIPSTICK!?

Me: No!

Mike: Oh, good.

Me: I spent twenty-three dollars on lip gloss.

(I found it, though, so whoo!)

Things I want to do in 2010

I don't like the word 'resolutions'. To me, that sounds like you fell so short the year before you have to make a resolution to improve. Instead, I like the idea of fresh starts with big goals and bigger dreams.

I think 2010 is going to be a pretty kick-ass year. I have a feeling. 

So, some things I'd like to do next year:

1. Throw a mimosa brunch for my best friends.

2. Spend a weekend in College Station with Mike.

3. Take a few steps in the right direction of starting an organization that provides resources, encouragement and support to new moms.

4. Put together a book of memories I've been meaning to make for a special someone. (Purposefully cryptic!)

5. Run a 5K, then a 10K, then a half-marathon.

6. Host a holiday ornament exchange and cookie decorating party.

7. Make great strides in being the kind of friend who remembers and acknowledges birthdays better.

8. Introduce Kyle to all the family he hasn't gotten to meet yet.

9. Own a great pair of investment jeans.

10. Take a vacation, no matter to where or when, with just my husband. We've earned it.

11. Read at least 20 books. I can't remember the last year I did this. (2004, maybe?)

12. Write all my addresses into my file box.

13. Buy nightstands for our bedroom.

14. Let only good, genuine things motivate me.

15. Throw Kyle a kick-ass birthday party (making the invitations and a banner all on my own!) 

16. Make fitness and health a priority.

17. Buy a pretty dress (like this or this or this) and wear it out on the town, with my husband on my arm. 

18. Continue creating awesome, fun and inspiring content on Style Lush. (With the help of the awesome writers.) Also, host a Style Lush dinner at BlogHer 2010.

19. Make a dentist appointment.

20. Make crab cakes, chicken masala and cinnamon buns (from scratch).

21. Look fabulous at my 10-year high school reunion. 

22. Buy some art for our (bare) walls.

23. Take Kyle to an A&M football game.

24. Learn to drive a stick (uh, this has been on my goals list for years; time to buckle down!).

25. Watch The Wire.

Tell me, what do you want to do in 2010?

Quick trip to Cali

It was nice taking Kyle to the place I lived when I was his age. In fact, here's the house I lived in when I was his age:

 

(Here's a picture, even, from way back when.)

We also took Ky to the zoo, the California Academy of Sciences and In N Out Burger. You know, all the hot spots.

He also got to meet an old, dear friend of mine (from this post):

We also ditched the boy with my step-mom on Friday night and drove into the city for dinner with some awesome bloggers and their families. Mike, who hadn't met a one, said to me on the way home, "Sucks we don't live closer to any of them." Yep, babe, it really, really does. (So, ladies, who's moving to Texas? OR, who's paying for me to live in SF?)

 

(Dinner was at the awesome Little Star Pizza and dessert was at Candy Bar. Great choices!)

We also wine tasted with my uncle, who I don't get to see often enough, while my dad watched Kyle for a little bit. The weather was crappy, the company great.

Rained and rained and rained and then stopped raining briefly and then rained and rained and rained. Also, it was cold, too.

I won't get into too much detail about our flight to San Francisco, because I should be instead putting my thoughts into a letter to Fox Rental Car for their customer service shortcomings. Things worked out, though, that's just what things have a way of doing, and I really want 2010 to be the year I remember this IN THE MOMENT and not an hour after THE MOMENT. I freaked out at 1 am in the rental car center, with a sleepy, cranky baby and a sleepy, cranky husband because the rental car agent told me I couldn't have the car I reserved, and I wish I could keep it together better in moments like this instead of screaming profanities (no matter how deserved those profanities were). Yes, he was a royal ass, but isn't it always better to be lovely to an asshole? Doesn't that irk them even more? I think it does. I need to keep this in mind more often in the future. Add it to the new year's goal list!

The flight back was much nicer because of a very compassionate and lovely AA agent named Dwight Foreman. He cleared a row for us, so we took Kyle's car seat onto the plane and he slept the whole time. I read Vanity Fair and then slept myself! That's a nice flight with a baby, let me tell you.

Anyway, we had a great trip. I miss it already, I always do, and I look forward to going back in a year and a half to see my brother graduate high school.

 

Now, I have to tackle a million and one things around here before Christmas next week (!!). So, here's one last one before I go, one of us, my family, in one of my favorite places on earth.

 

Mike's already planning how to make our roof look like this one. He's so geeky and green.

So, we're back and it's just as cold in Texas as it was in Northern California, and I've really had enough of that. I like a chill in the air, yes, but I also like feeling my feet at least once a day.

(Lots more pictures of our trip here.)

I'm back, but first books!

I'm back from California where we had lots of fun, an incredible blogging meet-up dinner, lots of Trader Joe's prosecco and only a few meltdowns (from me; Kyle was mostly great). We crammed a lot into four days, and I have pictures, videos and stories to share soon. I hope you had nice weekends, too.

Before all that, though, let's talk about something else entirely. I've been eyeing 2010 with excitement. I have a good feeling about the year ahead, and I'm giddy to see what unfolds. One thing I've been thinking a lot about (other than the fitness goals I'm setting) is reading more. I work on books year-round at my day job, but I want to read 20 books next year for fun, for pleasure, for myself. It's not a lot to some, but it's an aggressive goal for me, the English major who works for a book publisher but only bought and read 2-3 books in 2009. (Pathetic, I know.) I declared on Twitter earlier today that this would be the year I regularly start to read again and maybe I'd even try to start a book club, too. Jonniker said she had been toying with starting an online book club. Just like that, my friends, an idea was born.

We'd love to do this, and although it's an overwhelming, confusing logistical undertaking, I think we're both kind of buzzing with excitement over 1) reading! and 2) reading with other bloggers.

We were met with a nice response on Twitter, but if you're interested and haven't yet said so, comment below. We'd love to pool all emails together to keep people updated and to get a good idea of what the group looks like.

Can't wait to see what smart, funny women have to say about good books.

(Those who have already said they're interested: @MegMcR, @sarahlena, @daniellina, @brandi_b, @bessieviola212, @littlemissmel, @justatitch, @black_eyedsusan, @krameymartin, @tuwabvb, @alphamommy, @leftoflost, @samanthajcampen, @angellaD, @charliesue, @kerrianne, @notperfect, @mandajuice, @metalia, @agirlandaboy AND @luckyduck21, @hollylynne, @mamabub, @bearca, @annabelle_me, @andyouknow, @ahmielyn, @pseudostoops AND part II @DocMaureen, @sharon_e_b, @mandee, @theheatherb, @cmcaggie04, @MAShoob, @sourire11, @lauriewrites)

Good stuff

One of my comments on yesterday's post was from Leigh, who offered up her house in Albuquerque to Mike and me after I lamented about having to shelve our summer vacation. She said, "I'll offer you a free house in ABQ for a week or so! Yes, it's hot in the summer. But great hiking and biking, and beer."  I sent her an email that basically said, "You're sweet, but you'll be sorry when we show up on your doorstep!" She wrote back with more encouragement about coming and even tried to tempt me with a nearby Trader Joe's. The point here isn't that we will or would ever take advantage of such kindness but that such kindness exists, is on this site, even. I told Mike about Leigh's sweet, sweet, sweet offer and he said, "You have the nicest readers on the planet." It's true. I don't get mean, trollish comments. I don't get sanctimonious preaching. I don't get anything above gentle disagreement, and even when that happens it's civil and mature and it makes me think. Those are the best kinds of conflicts.

I've felt something sort of brewing around the Internet as of late, and it moved me to mention (clarify?) something here, on my site: I don't get paid to blog. I don't get paid by any site that I write for (except, ironically, for a fun guest post I wrote yesterday for Work It! Mom, but it wasn't a review, just me offering up my own expertise (ha!) and, also, the BlogHer ads on this site, which bring in enough money each month to cover my water bill). I don't get sent free things to review, even review honestly, so everything I talk about or promote or link to here and on Twitter is because I 1) like it a lot and 2) think you might, too.

I love writing and blogging, and I love being a part of this community. I get to meet such incredible, inspiring people. I get to talk about things that interest me. I get to build a supportive circle of friends for myself. I get to learn things about being a mother, a writer and a woman from others who have done all those things before me (and done them so kick-ass, I'm constantly awed). It's not that any of that is lost if money and compensation get involved (online writers should be paid and paid well), it's simply important to me to build a foundation of how I conduct myself online, so that the people I trust most (you) know I won't ever do a thing to compromise your respect.

Nothing specific happened to spur me to proclaim all this, it's just that if you read here or at MamaPop or BIM or Style Lush (or follow any of those respective Twitter pages), please know anything I write is because I'm passionate about it, and although I wouldn't turn down a paycheck to write about what I love -- you wouldn't either, I suspect -- it's nice to do the writing first, so if the money ever comes, the love for it is already established.

So, with that, some links because I like this stuff and maybe you will too:

*One of the best things I've read this week or ever, maybe, from Jess: "[O]ur reactions to other people are usually reflections of ourselves." I've been struggling a little bit all year with things people have said about my marriage and parenting and while also struggling with my own insecurities as a wife and mother. I logically know that when someone takes something I've done out of love and twists it to resemble something else entirely, it's not really about me, but it still flattens me emotionally and makes me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, no matter how excited Kyle gets to see me or how high he reaches up for me from his crib. I need to remember that most times judgment is more about that person and less about me.

*Jonna's post on Tiger Woods. If this whole media cover-up/uncovering/he slept with HOW many women now? fiasco was a nail, she just took a sledgehammer and hit it on the head.

*The "I Heart Monday" feature on Bliss. I usually want everything listed. She finds the best stuff.

*A Style Lush giveaway for the ladies (or men) who like flowery headbands. I wish I could win. 

Oh, and a picture of Kyle watching TV, so you can judge me and I can practice not caring:

Striped pj tops and printed pj pants: 2010's lead trend!

We head out tonight for a few days in California. I'm less prepared for this trip than our last family vacation, so wish us luck getting there safely and soundly and with our sanity in tact. (It's always nice to go home to San Francisco, and it's even nicer to introduce my son to the place I lived when I was his age.)

On hold

I was planning a summer vacation -- Alaska? Italy? a New England tour? a Mexican cruise? oh, the options were endless, and I was having such fun planning, too -- but this morning, my car stopped reversing. I don't know how much you know about cars, but I'd say that's not good. Along with gas in the tank and insurance, reversing and accelerating are pretty damn important for a successful drive. The vacation is shelved, the finances that were looking slightly robust after taking Kyle out of daycare and our end-of-the-year bonuses are now looking stretched thin, again. 

2009 has been a very hard year for us financially, although I know this has been a much harder year for so many more. We had a baby, bought a house (did you know down payments aren't merely a suggestion for some of us? annoying) and had to buy new appliances and furniture for that house. Also, daycare. If I told you what we spent on daycare for 4 days a week (not even a full five!), your mouths would hit the floor. That would hurt, so I won't say how much. I'll just say it was a whole helluva lot, and I'll also say it was very nearly a second mortgage.

I was feeling better, on top of things, good, even, and then this. It's hard not to spiral into a "why me?" fit, even though so many others are looking down the barrel of a holiday season without gifts at all, without a job, without insurance. We're lucky! I know this! I'm grateful! But, my car doesn't reverse! That just sucks! (Also, I bet you're laughing a little because everyone I've told today so far has laughed even when I asked them really nicely not to. It's a funny predicament, I suppose, but LET'S ALL LAUGH WHEN WE HAVE A NEW CAR, OK?) (Also, do you have a car you'd like to part with in exchange for cookies? a needy dog, even?) (Kidding, Molly.) (Unless, the car in question is super nice.)

I was really looking forward to our summer trip. Mike and I haven't gotten away, just the two of us, in so long. We're lucky to get lots of date nights and to travel (with friends, with Kyle) often enough, too. But just us? It's been so long. I really think we need it, too, especially after such a hard year. (It has been the best year of our lives, but I'd say the most stressful and hardest, too.)

I struggle with jealousy, and I get really, ridiculously envious when I know of people who've traveled the world and been to the places I most want to go to. I hate that at 27 I haven't been to any of the other 6 continents or more than three countries. I wanted to make this happen, this fun, romantic, adventure.

It can't happen, at least not for a while, and we're still so lucky -- with our home and our health and our baby and our marriage all in tact -- but can't a girl just wallow for the things that are lost sometimes? I have everything in the world I need. Now, if only I could get out there and see the world sometime, too.

@runningtofit

Thanks for the nice words on yesterday's post; they got me thinking. In fact, I started a Twitter account to record my progress through this Day One and Beyond phase of things. Twitter is a such great resource for anyone looking for encouragement, help, a sounding board, inspiration, etc., and it's been good to me and for me, too. I hope to share links, recipes, honest truths (i.e. "totally craving a big, chocolate-y cupcake, yo.") and start some great conversations with you about weight loss, healthy living and reaching goals through it.

I'm at twitter.com/runningtofit, which is a name I created in the spirit of running to get fit, but also running to fit into the body I can see and remember, but the body that's been missing for a while. Losing weight and feeling good about yourself isn't just about fitting into a great pair of jeans, but, come on, that's certainly part of it and it's one great reward of it, too. So the name has lots of meanings.

I hope it's the accountability tool I want it to be.

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Hey, also, I'm in California this weekend visiting family (and introducing my boy to some of the people I get My Crazy from), but I'm stealing away Friday night for a blogging dinner meet-up in San Francisco. If you're in the city and want to join us, let me know. I'm leaving Kyle with a babysitter (my step-mom), but will be dragging Mike along with me, so you can see he's not made up.

Day One

First things first:

He wasn't thrilled, but he wasn't screaming his head off and if there's one thing I've learned since becoming a mom it's you take your victories where you can find them.

It's been pretty cold in Texas the last week (need I remind you of the snow?), so we skipped the town's (outdoor) Christmas parade and joined in the fun for (indoor) Santa pictures and free hot chocolate. When it was our turn, I said to the poor, teen-aged volunteer, "Take this quickly. I have no idea how it's going to go down." Good job teen-aged volunteer!

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I had the rest of this post just-about written and it was a long, rant-y thing about angry holiday shoppers and judgmental Central Market cashiers, but then I changed my mind. I was blog browsing and came across a post somewhere (oh, I can't remember where now) and it was titled Day One. It was about something completely off-topic, but inspiration is funny. It knocks you over when you least expect it.

I started thinking about starting over, day one, instead of no-fun holiday shopping.

See, I haven't lost much weight. If we're being honest, I've lost some, gained some, lost some, gained some and (sigh) I'm just a few pounds shy of where I started. In April.

That's not easy to write.

I don't want to talk about why or that sometimes I think I need a cupcake even when I don't need a cupcake or that sometimes I think I need eight cupcakes when, well, who needs eight cupcakes other than the entire female cast of the new 90210? No, I don't want to talk about that. Those are all excuses, and I hate excuses no matter how many I seem to give myself.

There's just such a disconnect between what I want and what I do, and I think getting from where I am to where I want to be is such a long distance, it's become too daunting, overwhelming, even sabotaging me from getting started. The first few steps are the hardest, right?, and that's been true for me.

I still plan to make 2010 my year, and that includes finishing some races, even a half-marathon, and I have faith in myself even if I don't have much reason to. I'll get there.

I'm making today day one, even if it's the 8,000th day one I've had over the years. Every good, healthy change has a day one, especially the lasting changes. I don't know how many days this will take. I suspect a lot. I also suspect you're sick of hearing about this (I'm sick of it myself), and I'm sorry to subject you to so much whining and lamenting. Oh, no one likes a lamenter, not even me.

I hope this is my last day one.

Ten Months

Dear Kyle,

I'm already beginning to plan your first birthday party, can you believe that? Well, you probably can because by now I'm sure you know your mom really, really likes birthdays, and kicking off the planning two months in advance is just how I roll. I'm toying with your theme and the cake and the favor bags and SO MUCH and people I talk to roll their eyes and sigh and look at me like I've lost my damn mind, but it's just that if I can't celebrate this year (this year with you) then there's never been a reason to celebrate anything, ever.

Before I start sobbing about having an ALMOST-ONE YEAR OLD OMG, let's talk about what you've been up to this month. Oh, my, what HAVEN'T you been up to this month? There is not a moment of peace in our home between the hours of 7 am and 7 pm. Your body is flipped into the ON! position all day long and when I look away even for a second, you somehow get a hold of and are chewing on my laptop cord or Molly or a shoe or the wall, and I'm not even kidding about that last one. Everything is in your mouth, and there are various times of the day when I see you chewing on something and think, Oh, let that be a days-old Cheerio and not something sharper and more damaging to your internal organs. You love to move, it's your most favorite thing to do, and if you had your way, we'd never sit down.

You also like to be chased, which is ridiculously adorable since you can't exactly go far, and I'm doing a very, very bad parenting thing by encouraging this game, I know, but it's impossible to resist making you laugh. You start crawling, sneakily look behind you with a mad twinkle in your eye, so I start to run toward you and you shriek with laughter and try to crawl away as fast as you possibly can. It's so fun, especially the part where I reach you, scoop you up and kiss you all over while you laugh and laugh.

You picked your belly off the floor this month, so even though you've been army-crawling since you were seven months, you are really crawling now. And no matter how many toys we spread around the house, there are a few things you without-a-doubt go to when we set you down to crawl: outlets (baby cliche!), dust bunnies (yum), Molly or the small basketball your Gramps gave you.

A couple other cool things happened this month, one being your dad has new work hours, so he's now home with you during the week. You have adventures and play together and sing songs, and he sends me pictures from Kohl's or Fry's or Home Depot or wherever else his to-do list has taken you both, and you look on top of the world in each picture. Life is funny in its unpredictability, so who knows what our routine will be like in six months or a year, so I know your dad is sopping up this time with you and enjoying every moment. Although, without fail, I come home to you either 1) wearing some god-awful, doesn't-match outfit or 2) the pjs you were wearing when I left. Buds, I'm sorry your dad thinks he has such stellar fashion sense especially because he doesn't, but seeing you two together waving from the couch each morning as I walk out the door is the most beautiful sight in the world. You have a dad who adores you and loves being with you. I've said it before, and I'll say it a million times more, I'm sure, but he's the best gift I could ever give you, and I hope no matter what happens in life or how much you hate us for your early curfew or for making you study or for telling you to get off the phone at 10 pm even though you really want to tell your girlfriend you love her just one more time, you know that having a good, decent, honest father is going to take you so far in life.

A couple other cool things that happened this past month were: 1) snow! and 2) turkey! We had your first Thanksgiving and your first snowfall within a week of each other, and you were pretty stoked about both until 30 seconds in when you realized 1) snow gives you a wet butt and 2) turkey isn't pureed pears. I love that you'll try anything even if you get this look on your face seconds in that says, "Yeah, I'd rather not be doing this. Please stop making me."

Finally, another new thing, one much less fun, is the SCREAMING! The SCREAMING! has descended upon our house, and if we leave the room or you want out of your high chair or you want out of your crib or you want more food or you want the remote or, let's sum it up like this, YOU WANT SOMETHING WE'RE NOT GIVING YOU, you SCREAM! It's not a cry, no, it's a EEEAAAAHHHH. EEEAAAAHHHHHHHHH. EEEAAAAHHHHHHHHH. And you get louder and louder until I give you whatever it is you want or throw myself in front of traffic, whichever I do first. You are cute, kid, and sweet and funny, too, but can we stop with the screaming? I'll totally bend that early curfew I mentioned earlier.

Sometimes you wake up on the wrong side of your crib and for the first, cranky hour of the morning, I go through my mother check-list: teething? no, tired? no, hungry? no, WHAT THEN? WHAT WHAT WHAT? And sometimes it dawns on me, maybe you're just in a bad mood. That's certainly OK, your mom and dad get in bad moods often enough, but I go straight to FIX IT mode, and I really want to stop doing that. I want you to be moody, if you want to be moody. It's OK to not be in a good mood. What's not OK is to throw your bottle/pacifier/toy/whatever is in your reach into your mom's face to convey that bad mood. Make a note of that.

You are still a full-of-life, sweet-smiled, happy boy, though. I think back to how I was as a kid often, and although I had a pretty good childhood, lots of cool experiences and such, I remember taking on the happiness of others from a really young age. I wanted no conflict, no stresses, and so I'd do whatever I could to smooth the waters. I used to sense fights before they'd happen, by the inflection in someone's voice or the look in someone's eyes, and I'd try and change the subject or sing a song or something. I wanted peace, and I tried to make it happen. It was a tough thing to carry as a little girl, and when I look at you, I see such pure joy that I hope I can preserve in you for as long as possible. I hope I never give you my happiness to take care of, and I hope you never have to worry about keeping the peace around you. I hope that you can take this ten-month feeling and carry it for years, this carefree, happy-screeching way of yours. You deserve to worry about your happiness and your peace for as long as possible, until you have your own kids, even, and pace the floors with worry as a hobby.

You should also know that with one simple look of yours, one open-mouthed grin, slobbering kiss or cuddle, you heal a million wounds.

Just by being you, Ky, all the weight I carried before you fell to the ground. We've smashed the weight together.

I love you, Buds.

 

Love,

Your Mama

Snow and other fun things!

I stumbled out of bed this morning and saw snow out our kitchen window. I should probably watch the news more often so a sight like that doesn't shock me.

 

Mike quickly bundled Kyle up (explains the outfit) and took him out for a snow photo shoot. That's a nice upside to our new schedule: spontaneous snow photo shoots are easy. 

 

The excitement was short-lived. No one likes a wet butt. 

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I'm enjoying your where-would-you-go? answers. Keep 'em coming! So many of you would like to go to Italy or Greece. (And I loved the labor-and-delivery answers, too. I was hoping some of you would think like that.) As for me, my dream-location vacation would be Spain. But I want to do it up really big. I'd like to spend at least two weeks there, possibly a month if I extend it out to a Mediterranean tour. Something about a culture that embraces 1) drinking and 2) daily naps charms me. 

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At Style Lush today there is such a great giveaway I can't help but link to it. It's a beautiful, artsy, fun calendar from Emily Ann Designs. Comment for a chance to make it yours!

The question game

When I was in New York, we had a company holiday dinner at a great Asian restaurant in the Meatpacking District, and at that dinner, we did something a little unconventional for company holiday parties. At least I think so. I haven't been to many company holiday parties, but perhaps this is what all companies do? Who knows. Anyway, we all took turns asking questions the rest of the company (we're a whopping six-total-person company) took turns answering. These ranged from normal (greatest regret?) to crazier (would you give up sex forever for a million dollars?) to really interesting (what do you fear others perceive you as?). You know, I've worked with (most of) these folks for four years, the others at least two-plus, but it was still really cool to hear what these people answered for various, wide-ranging questions.

It's one of my favorite things -- playing The Question Game -- and, in fact, on my favorite date with Mike (favorite day, arguably), we hid in the corner of our local Barnes & Noble and asked each other questions from The Book of Questions. I like hearing people answer questions. It's just a quirk of mine. It's why I'll stop at every Q&A interview in a magazine, even if I have no idea the interviewee. So, I thought, why not ask my readers (all dozen of you), a question and spend the night (or however many minutes it takes me) reading your answers, getting to know you better.

I like this idea. 

So, in honor of my recent globetrotting-obsession, tell me this:

What is one place (you haven't yet been) that you'd be ridiculously bummed to never travel to in your lifetime?

Place can mean many things, so have at it.