Will I ever shut up about my 2010 goals? Maybe. Come 2011. It helps keep me on track and since I'm a Capricorn, crossing things off a to-do list gives me a ridiculous amount of joy. Anyway, #3 on my list is this: "Take a few steps in the right direction of starting an organization that provides resources, encouragement and support to new moms."
I've been pretty open about how tough the first two months of motherhood were for me. That's because it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a tough adjustment, and although some women take to it easily and with much grace, without needing to cry every day for two weeks (ahem), others fumble and need a little extra help (not to mention, are slammed with more hormones than a 13-year-old boy). If you had a lovely go of it, that's phenomenal, but that should motivate you to help any moms you know who are struggling. So many new moms don't ask for the help they need (case in point: me) because they feel they're failing and no one likes admitting failure, especially when that admission could make some question their love for their child. What's worse, some naysayers go there and connect those dots and make those accusations, and scar those moms for life. (Stop that, if you've done it.) There's this sad, almost cruel competition constantly brewing among mothers, and it goes a little something like this: if you're sad or frustrated or overwhelmed or anxious you're doing it wrong and you're not as good as I am.
And that's bullshit.
My own mother said something to me once, and it's stuck: "Moms should be most kind to other moms because we all know how hard it can be."
Word.
When I was home on maternity leave, an old friend brought me dinner one night. I kept trying to avoid her visit because the thought of entertaining or taking a shower or even smiling exhausted me even more than I already was. I was already pretty fucking exhausted. But she came by and quickly dropped off dinner, told me I looked great, oohed and ahhed over Kyle and then headed home. It was one of the kindest gestures anyone made during that time. Someone I don't get to see often made it a point to do something nice for me because she cared and didn't ask for anything in return, not even an in-depth conversation. It was so selfless.
I'll never forget it.
One thing my experience in general and that gesture specifically inspired in me was the need for more resources and support (cooking meals, cleaning kitchens, allowing naps, a sounding board, grocery shopping, etc) for new moms. It's something I've thought about off and on for nearly a year, and something I hope to continue thinking about, at the very least within my own circle of friends and family. I want to ask new moms more often, "What can I do for you? How can I help you? Do you need to take a nap? Do you need bread or milk or dinner tonight? Do you need your floors cleaned? What do you need and let me make it happen for you?"
I'd encourage you to ask the same questions. It's so fun giving baby gifts, the little dresses and jeans and hats. It's one of my favorite things to do, admittedly, but I've found that when the baby comes home, moms need connection and comfort and people who understand it can be difficult to adjust to life with a baby more than they need cute clothes and blankets. Somehow, we spend nine months getting pastel-wrapped gifts and the next few months looking at a tower of dishes and empty hours with no one to help fill them.
I was so lucky that at two months, Kyle's colic faded, we found a good routine and life became beautiful. I wish a beautiful life for every mother I know but more than that, I think it's partly our responsibility to add color in the lives of other mothers whenever and however we can.
I don't know where this little idea of mine will take me, although I know not to rule anything out. Passion's an unstoppable and funny thing. I have these visions of countless new moms feeling taken care of and confident because they were helped, not judged, but a community of women.
I made #3 on my list something attainable, taking just a few steps in the right direction of seeing this crazy idea of mine through, even though right now I'm not even sure what the idea actually is. Hey, just writing out these thoughts is step one, I'd guess.
Just like that, I'm one step closer.