From "Carry the Weight," a post by Mommy Melee:
The scene plays out over and over. Every day. Sometimes several times a day. I detect a cranky tone in my husband’s voice. Guilt washes over me, makes my chest ache, presses down until I feel sad and cranky and defensive. Immediately.
What is he complaining about? Who knows. Traffic, our son dragging his feet in the morning, bad service at lunch. And somehow, because I am a crazy person because I’m the only other adult in our household, because I’m his friend, because I’m his wife, because I’ve felt this way as long as I can remember, I feel responsible. I feel that if he is not happy at any given time, I’ve done something to fuck that up.
I know how crazy that sounds. When I write it down, it just looks awful. I’m not a submissive person, I’m not particularly dutiful. I don’t have old-fashioned views of marriage and relationships.
I can’t say why this happens. I’m sure psychological theories abound. I can only say that I’m trying, and I have to keep trying harder to stop reacting this way.
I know precisely what she's talking about. If anyone around me is unhappy -- especially Mike -- it's because of me. I let this twisted sense of guilt motivate me often, and I'm not sure why. I do know that letting my moods fluctuate and change based on the moods of others is annoying. I don't like being pissed off just because you are.
It would be nice to allow my husband his own bad moods without getting involved in them. We have a small house but a half acre of land. If he's cranky about something, there are plenty of places I can be alone until he's feeling better. And lord knows me asking "WHAT DID I DO?" over and over doesn't usually make him feel better faster.
Guilt is such a horrible motivator, both in life and in marriage.
I've been trying to let good things motivate me more often, and Maria's post reminded me this goal of mine isn't just about gifts or favors or kindnesses but about simple conversations and interactions with my husband.
We are individuals who happen to be married. We don't have to be responsible for everything the other person feels in order to be happily married. In fact, I'd say happiness is the last thing that's going to come from that.
Thanks, Maria.
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This is the second post I featured like this. You can read the first from Lemon Gloria here.