I'm not sure when or why I started reading Katy's blog Bird on the Street, but she's an inspiring force, I'll tell you that much. She's smart, she's strong, and she's teaching me how to be a better parent. Her son, Charlie, has cerebral palsy, and I asked her to write a post about how she keeps a strong marriage while parenting a special needs child.
Although when you see that son of hers smile, you can't really imagine there's anything in life much sweeter.
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My son, Charlie, was born in June of 2007 and due to some necessary medical interventions, he suffered a massive stroke the next day. We were told he would never survive and that if he did, he would be very handicapped. No matter how you slice it, that’s a lot of stress and stress is bad for marriages. In the three years since Charlie’s birth, we have come up with a couple of things that work for us. Things that help us deal with Tough Stuff. I think most of them would be good for any couple because let’s face it—raising kids is never easy.
Don’t leave things unsaid. This seems obvious, but when your child is disabled or has special needs, you might be embarrassed to tell someone what you’re really thinking—even your spouse. My husband has his faults, but I have always been able to tell him anything. I could tell him I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to take care of a brain-damaged baby, that I was scared to love someone who might die, and that sometimes I fantasized about running away from the responsibility of it all. I could tell him all that and he just listened. We all have thoughts we wish we didn’t or that we don’t know how to deal with. Let your spouse help. There’s only one other person in the world who knows exactly what you’re going through—use that to your advantage.
Take some time for yourselves. Hubby and I are all about a date night. We think it’s important. Even if all we do is watch a video in the den, I think it’s important to remind yourself of life before the kid.
Play to your strengths. I’m good at research and I’m good at creating therapeutic and educational goals for Charlie. I’m a little lame in the fun department, though. Rather than getting mad that Hubby forgets to show Charlie his flashcards, I let him be the “fun” one. Fun is part of childhood too and since I’m lousy at it, I let Hubby take the lead. Hubby also takes the lead when it comes to his medications. He’s an engineer so he’s methodical and great at routines. Me? I was once fined $400 dollars by the state of Texas for failure to return two library books. So we make sure Hubby picks up the scripts. Left up to me, there’d be a lot of Midnight dashes to the 24-hour pharmacy. We do what we’re good at rather that expecting us both to do everything the same.
Like I said, we don’t have this thing all figured out. We do know what works and we try to do that over and over.
What kinds of things do you do to help alleviate stress?
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Stress is universal, definitely, so share below the ways you and your spouse alleviate the stress of raising children in general, but if you have insights or experiences to share of raising a special needs or handicapped child, we'd love to hear those, too.
(Thank you, Katy.)