Mike and I fight.
Not a lot. Not every day. But from time to time we come to blows over something: the dishes, money, parenting, the DVR, coughfamilycough. I'm kind of emotional and he's kind of stubborn. Fun combination.
(He also has horrible taste in television. You can tell him I said so.)
But, Mike fights fair. In fact, everything healthy I've learned from fighting with your partner, I've learned from him.
We haven't perfected the art of a constructive, relationship-building, level-headed argument and that's because I'm very rarely level-headed, but I'm (usually) proud of the way we fight and how we resolve conflicts.
Here are a few things I've learned on fair fighting over the last six years. (Fine, some of these things I learned in my relationships before Mike. Because I did the opposite of all of them.)
1) No name calling, no bad lanugage. Unless you're saying, "Shit, you've got a good point." Or "Fuck, you're right."
2) Never fight when either person has been drinking. We've had a couple big disagreements after some alcohol was consumed and, hoo boy, that never ends well. No really, never. If you're upset about something when you've had something to drink, write it down. Nine times out of ten, you won't be upset the next morning and it's much easier to throw a piece of paper away than to apologize.* (Also, you should never be drinking so much that you can't write something down. That goes without saying, right?)
*I obviously meant RECYCLE that piece of paper.
3) Never fight in the middle of the night. After having a newborn, I now think that being exhausted is like being tipsy. It messes with your ability to form a rational thought. In fact, those middle-of-the-night newborn screamfests from the early days included so many words (from me) in all caps, you'd think I was Jack Bauer. I eventually made this rule for myself: don't say a word in the middle of the night that's not 100% necessary like "the house is on fire, meet you outside."
4) Don't make threats. I can't remember a single fight we've had where either of us threatened to leave. But I've had plenty of those fights with other people and that's some irrevocable damage you don't want to mess with right there. You'll forget why you started fighting in a week's time, but you'll never forget the threats. They linger. They're toxic. Don't make them.
5) It's okay to walk away. Mike is a champ at this.* He knows when the fight isn't going well, and when we should both take some space to calm down. This means we sometimes go to bed angry, and I think that's fine. I'd rather cool off and re-group the next day than fight until 4 a.m. In fact, whoever said "never go to bed angry" must not have liked sleeping much.
*I am not much of a champ at this, but I'm learning. (YES I AM, MIKE.)
6) Leave "always" and "never" out of your vocabulary. Those two words are loaded and hurtful and I use them far too often. They're also just totally incorrect.
7) Give yourself 30 minutes before saying something. My dad used to say "think before you speak" and I never understood (as a kid) how that was even possible. How do you have the TIME to think before you speak!? But, as a married adult who likes getting along with her husband, this is a very important rule indeed. Whatever you're pissed about, you have a right to be, let me just say that. But wait a half hour to say something about it. Give yourself just a little thinking time. You may still want to bring it up, but you'll bring it up way more rationally than you would have before.
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My mom said something recently that I loved: no two successful marriages look the same. What works for you (and works well) might not work for the next couple and vice versa. And, listen closely, your marriage shouldn't work for everyone else. It's your marriage.
So, truly, it doesn't matter how often you fight (or if you fight at all) but that if and when you do, you fight with a level of respect. (That goes for all fights, even the ones you have with the T-Mobile customer service department. You may want to call them (or your partner) a raging douchenozzle but you shouldn't. Save it for your blog instead.)
I always like hearing your thoughts, so tell me:
Any tips for fighting fair you'd like to share?