She Likes Purple

33 Things I Like About You

1. You make the best peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches I've ever tasted. True story.

2. The way you look in ratty t-shirts and faded jeans.

3. You truly don't care what other people think of you unless those other people are your family and then you care a whole helluva lot.

4. You let me have a bite of whatever you're eating, even if you grumble about it.

5. You always drive, which warms this commuter's heart.

6. My blog is on your bookmark list even though you don't quite understand the appeal of spewing your feelings all across the internet.

7. You hold my hand.

8. You really, really, really like your son.

9. You can fix a busted pipe without the help of an expensive, professional plumber.

10. That one time we had $200 to our name and you gave $100 of it away to a friend in need. "He needed it more," you said. You never once asked for it back.

11. You are the best travel partner on the planet.

12. You sent me to Portland even when we couldn't afford it because you knew four days with Cherie would restore something missing in me.

13. You'll try any dish I make.

14. You put more Diet Dr. Pepper in the fridge when I forget to so they'll be cold for me in the morning.

15. You put up with my mega-social ways even though you'd usually rather crawl in bed and watch crappy shows about cars or sharks or the speed of light.

16. You know my blog friends' names and the names of their kids and when I say, "So, Jonna said something funny today," you 1) don't think it's weird, and 2) listen.

17. You still let me celebrate our dating anniversary because it means so much to me.

18. You like to mow the grass, which works out great since I hate to mow the grass.

19. That one time you left work to bring Kyle pjs on "wear pjs to school day" because I was afraid he'd be the only kid without them on. (Meaning, you appease the hell out of me.)

20. You let me plan crazy romantic date nights even though you're not crazy romantic.

21. You didn't call a divocre lawyer when you discovered how many shows I watch on the CW.

22. The first thing you said to me when I reached you after my walk down the aisle: "I love you, you look beautiful."

23. You let me name our son.

24. Your red hair. (If I were slightly crazier, I'd have ten more kids with you until one of them had that same lovely red hair.)

25. Your scar from your high school soccer incident.

26. You don't hold my father against me.

27. You let me sleep in most weekends.

28. That one time, on the mountains of Colorado.

29. Your Disney movie collection.

30. You encourage me to read, work out, write notes, be kind, work hard, really anything that makes me a happier, better, more grounded person. It shows real strength and security to want your wife/girlfriend/partner to fly as high as she can, and you absolutely want that for me.

31. You make me feel young because you'll forever be old(er than me).

32. You don't get (too) mad when I drink the last beer.

33. When you introduce me to people, you smile.

***

Take away the wedding bands and that cute baby of ours and all that debt we've accumulated together and then take away all those other legal obligations that motivate us to make this shit work out, and I still think you're the most decent guy I know.

I still think no one I know deserves a better birthday than you.

Happy 33rd birthday (on Sunday), Mike.

LVS

In Defense of Texas

I grew up in San Francisco, and with every year I'm away (going on 18) I feel like it's a smaller and smaller part of me. I get to visit often enough since my dad, stepmom, and brother all live in the Bay Area, but living there is so far in my past, the memories just get fuzzier and fuzzier. (Too bad I didn't start my blog at the ripe ol' age of 9, right?)

And, man, I know nothing about the nightlife or restaurant scene in the city. I know where the best gelato is and where the best sandwich is, but maybe I don't even know that. Maybe I remember those places so fondly because they're dripping in nostalgia.

I think this is at least part of the reason I'm so hard on Texas. The other parts include: shitty weather 8 months of the year, not nearly enough liberals for my liking, a pathetic excuse for public transporation making it necessary for me to commute in my car, and way too many Facebook friends with status updates about the Cowboys. America's Team? Not according to the REST OF AMERICA, YOU CRAZY SPORTS PEOPLE.

I bitch and complain and whine and, yet, I'm still here. There's got to be some valid reason for that, right?

Mike and I talk about leaving often, living somewhere else someday, exploring, traveling, making new homes in new cities. It's one reason we hesitate to have another baby. Picking up and moving west (or east or north or south) just feels so much easier with our one kid and one dog.

(I said easier, not easy.)

I don't know if we'll ever leave, I really don't. I know if we want to badly enough, we'll make it happen, and if other things -- like family, careers, cheap housing, having that other baby -- become more important, we'll stay.

But while we're here and even if we ever go, you should know this place has been good to me, it's home, no matter what I grumble or say under my breath.

I walked out of the gym the other night, when the air was cool and crisp and chimney smoke was wafting through the air, and I thought: oooooh, see, this isn't so bad a place to call home. Then I drove the short distance to my house, pulled into my drive, saw the light from within and the flowers in the yard, and thought: no, not bad at all.

The food is good, better than you'd think, the people are friendly, better than you'd think, the margaritas are strong, the sunsets light up the sky, and the roads go on forever, dotted with hope and possibility and old, dusty bars where the beer is always colder than you'd think.

It helps that this is easily my favorite time of year and I'm reminded, around October, that every place on earth has something redeeming going for it . For us, it's the time between October and late December. Before the cold really hits, before the warmth really goes.

But anytime of year, all year, every year, this is where I've been. This is where I met Mike, started a career, bought a house, had a baby boy, made friendships that are made of forever, not just for as long as we happen to be here.

And wherever we go, whenever we go, this will be where my life took place.

I'm proud.

Real Marriages: 10 Cheap Date Night Ideas

I'm a big fan of date nights. Just ask the man I force to be my date for every single one of them.

But, I also know money woes and tight budgets like the back of my hand, so I'm here to tell you, a night out doesn't have to cost the equivalent of your electricity bill. Or even your water bill.

Here are some cheap(ish) ideas for a night out with the guy or girl you liked enough to give up casual sex.

1. Go to Barnes & Noble, find a table or comfy sofa, grab The Book of Questions or similar book and get to talking to each other. Mike and I have done this before and all it cost us was the price of gas to get there. We did splurge for a coffee at Starbucks, but we shared that.

2. Subscribe to local blogs/websites that keep an updated calendar of events for your area. I get lots of free activity ideas this way. Festivals, parades, free fun runs, holiday festivities, free concerts in the park, etc. Granted, these are the kinds of things we enjoy taking Kyle to, but every now and then it's fun to walk hand-in-hand without lugging a stroller along.

3. Check out sites like restaurant.com or groupon.com for restaurant coupons. Additionally, sign up for restaurant mailing lists and special offers. Sign up with a separate email if you don't want your inbox to get flooded daily and then check in weekly to see what coupons you've been offered. Plan your date night accordingly. 

4.  Check out local parks or hiking trails. Texas isn't known for its hilly terrain, no, but even we have dozens of lakes and parks that offer really nice hiking and biking trails. Pack your own snacks and that date night ain't just cheap, it's free.

5. Cook! You don't need a babysitter for this one. Put the kid(s) to bed, get in the kitchen, and cook together. Maybe you do this often already, so make it special by making a dish or cocktail you've never tried before and then eat outside by candlelight rather than in front of the tv.

6. Go to a fancy restaurant ... for dessert. Eat dinner at home and then go upscale for dessert. The fanciest restaurants I've been to still have reasonably-priced desserts (under $10, even). Split the dish, which is better for your wallet and your ass.

7. Make it a date morning. We have a theater in town that has $4 movie tickets for the first showing of the day. Check out the older theaters in your area for similar matinee pricing. The theater will be empty, so there's no annoying movie talkers to ruin the previews, and your tickets will be more than half-off the usual cost.

8. Go to a farmer's market. There's something about the vibe at a farmer's market that can't be beat and there are samples everywhere. You can get away without spending a dime while tasting a bunch of delicious things, but go ahead and bring $5 in cash to buy something.

9. Take a brewery tour. This is such an inexpensive idea, it would stun you. For instance, most breweries give free tours with a (free!) tasting portion at the end of the tour. Even if there is a tour fee, it's usually cheap. It's interesting, you learn a thing or two, and you get snacks and beer at the end. Hard to top.

(Aside story: When Mike and I were in St. Louis a few years ago, we'd never taken a brewery tour before, so when we did the Budweiser tour, we kept asking where we paid. "Do we pay at the end?" "No, it's free?" "What's free?" "All of this is free." "We don't get it." And we didn't! We were so confused.)

10. Garage sale tour. We've been meaning to do this one for years now. Plenty of local papers have garage sale listings or, if you don't find luck there, just drive around the suburbs and look for signs. Get an early start (and an early babysitter) and you don't have to spend any more money than you want. It's fun to see how cheap shopping can  be if you plan a little.

***

What are your cheap date night ideas?

 

Progress so far

Not fishing for compliments, just sharing some progress.

The left picture is from last summer, July 2009, and the right is from a couple weeks ago, so September 2010. What a difference a year makes.

I'm not at my goal yet and it's taking for-freaking-ever to get there.

But I'll get there. I'm determined. I'm not letting slow-as-molasses progress or occassional weekend slip-ups deter me from my main goal and that goal is this: finishing what I started, believing in myself, and changing my life and my ass, because I can and because I want to.

I ran another 5K this past weekend and have my rescheduled 10K planned for November.

Thanks for cheering me on through all this.

Checking Back In: My Summer To-Do List

I wrote this to-do list earlier this summer (progress notes added by me today-ish):

1. Clean and organize my kitchen cabinets

2. Clean and organize my kitchen pantry

I haven't done either of these items, not in the way I intended when I wrote it. I did have to madly clean out one shelf of our pantry when I found an old bag of potatoes and...I'll stop the story there, which you're welcome for. I'm determined to do both these things this weekend, though. Remind me if I forget, would you?

3. Box up and ship off all 6-12 month baby clothes

I've boxed the clothes! That's...something, right?

4. Make this s'mores cake from Annie's Eats and these strawberry and mascarpone filled cupcakes from Giada.

I've got the ingredients to make the cupcakes, which I hope to do this weekend, too.

5. Make brownies for a couple new moms

Have these ingredients too!

6. Arrange another winetasting/girl's night out

I did this!

7. Make Kyle's baby blanket

No, but I've boxed all the clothes I want to put in this blanket and my MIL has offered to help me, so my new goal is to definitely do this by Christmas, so I can give Kyle that blanket for the holidays.

8. Look into a calligraphy class

I did look into one! And found...almost nothing. I'm thinking of buying a calligraphy kit to teach myself. Is that a ridiculous idea?

9. Officially sign up for that boot camp class I want to take but haven't committed to taking

Starts November something. And the class is at FIVE IN THE MORNING, HOLY SHIT.

10. Finish that memory book for someone special (it's been started, at least!)

Finish and sent!

11. Read three books

I did! I read three! Now, I just need to read TWELVE more before the end of the year. That's...daunting.

12. Take Kyle down to the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens

It was too fucking hot this summer, I'm sorry but it was. We'll take him to these Gardens soon, though, when the weather doesn't make us all want to stab something.

13. Pick out nightstands for our bedroom

I'm torn between traditional nightstands that hide a bunch of crap or getting creative (tables, chairs, hanging nightstands). So, no, didn't do this.

14. Start figuring out what kind of recipe collection I want to put together

Or this.

15. Get one more sponsor for Style Lush

I did!

***

Looks like my fall to-do list is arleady starting off a little lengthy.

Let me add to it:

1. Make an advent calendar for the holidays

2. Pick out and send the Style Lush writers a holiday gift.

3. Read TWELVE (OMG) books.

4. Run a 10K

5. Go to Boo at the Zoo

6. Plan: an awesome birthday party for Mike, a blogging dinner meet-up, a holiday ornament exchange party

7. Lose 10 pounds

8. Hang the wall map I bought

9. Make one new mom friend

10. Make a book of the letters I wrote Kyle his first year.

***

What's on your fall to-do list?

It's the time of year for celebrating

I don't know how things worked out this way, but our friends and family have spread their birthdays out quite evenly through the year so we're always going to a birthday party or hosting a birthday party or scouring Amazon for The Best Gift Ever to give someone for their birthday.

September is no exception.

We celebrated two birthdays this past weekend and then we celebrated wine in between those two birthdays because this is just how we roll.

You shouldn't be surprised if you've ever met me.

So, early Saturday morning we got up and headed to the park to celebrate our nephew's fourth birthday and while four year olds do plenty of things I wouldn't list under Interests on Facebook -- get chased by "dinosaurs", get dirty in the sandbox, jump in a bounce house -- they do two other things I can certainly get behind: eat pizza and eat cake.

Kyle's also nearing the age where he can actually play with other kids. While he's "played" with kids before that usually means playing near them or fighting over a toy with them or running into walls beside them. Now he's using his imagination and mimicking his buddies and this is just adorable to see. He spent a good half hour spitting ice cubes into a cooler after he saw his cousin do it, and then they'd both uproariously laugh together about it.

I did point out to the rest of the party guests that they shouldn't drink the cooler water, if they were into that sort of thing because there are few things toddler spit enhances, am I right?

(I'd insert adorable pictures from the party here if I hadn't forgotten both my phone and camera at home.)

Then, Saturday evening, I left my anti-crowds husband at home with my has-an-early-bedtime son and went to Grapefest, a local wine festival, with a couple great friends.

We tasted wine, beer, champagne, and even olive oil. I'm not kidding about that last part!

See, a wall of different olive oils, and lots of sourdough bread to taste them with. Favorites: all.

Aren't all good wine festivals made complete by posing in front of a Jumbo Corndog stand?

Me, Kristie, Natalie.

Bubbly.

I got Yellowglen Yellow, and it was delicious.

After dinner, I poured myself into bed.

Sunday, the whole family took my mom to brunch to celebrate her birthday. Kyle's got a really great Nana, and she's worth celebrating.

She then treated me to a movie because I wasn't kidding about that great part.

We saw The Town, which was good. Really good. Almost-makes-you-forget-about-Jersey Girl good. But Gone Baby Gone is one of my top-five favorite movies of all time and it seems Ben set his directing bar pretty high for me, so I didn't find The Town as good as that, but you won't be disappointed if you fork over $10 to see the movie in a theater.

Also, Ben, good choice embracing the gray.

(Although I did leave the theater with a couple issues over the way the movie wrapped-up. Who would like to talk about those issues with me?)

It was a great weekend and I hope yours was too.

***

What did you celebrate this weekend?

Creative Ideas for Mike's Birthday Party?

Finally, after months and months of adamantantly shaking his head no whenever I asked if I could throw a party, Mike relented. We'll be playing hosts in a few weeks for his birthday.

I'm stoked.

Since his birthday is October THIRD and it's his THIRTY-THIRD birthday and his favorite number is even THREE, I thought we'd create a theme here, with the number three.

(He's rolling his eyes from wherever he is, I can feel it.)

Some ideas I have so far:

- Three different appetizers
- Hang cut-out threes from the doorways and ceiling
- Make custom labels with threes all over them for the bottles and cups
- A music playlist with a running three theme

Yeah, that's all I've got.

Any ideas from you, the smartest people I know?

(Mike thanks you in advance, especially if one of your ideas is: buy a lot of beer.)

The hardest part

I've run for miles. I've let Jillian Michaels shred me. I've lifted my exhausted body off our very comfortable couch late into the night to cram in a half hour of exercise before falling asleep. I've said no to dessert. I've said no to vending machine snacks. I've posted my weight online. Many, many times.

I ran a 5K the morning after a short bout with food poisoning. 

I've forked over $30 a month, every month this year, for a rec membership.

I've forked over money for a Boot Camp class that will start in November.

I've worked out on vacations and on work trips.

I gave up alcohol, then meat, then chocolate, than fast food, then eating out.

And none of that was the hardest part.

The hardest part of the whole year was the very first night -- early January -- when I walked into our local rec center weighing 178 pounds and whispered to the stick-thin teenage girl behind the counter that I wanted to sign-up for a one-month membership.

And then I walked into the weight room, over to a treadmill, and ran for one solid minute.

I hadn't run for one solid minute in nearly 10 years.

It was hard.

The hardest part was the first part.

I've slipped up and overindulged and gained when I should have lost at various times over the last year. It's taken a while to lose 32 pounds and it'll take a while still to lose the rest.

But whenever I think of getting back on track or trying harder tomorrow or undoing the mess-up of that third helping of dessert, I always think of that first night, that first minute of running, that first step toward that first pound lost.

And if I could do that, I can do anything.

Take your first step.

Take it today.

Gratitude

A few weeks before we launched Style Lush, I nearly pulled the plug. I was having difficulty with my hosting company, I was staying up all night trying to get things just so, and the pressure was weighing on me. What if no one read? What if all the writers quit their non-paying gig the first day? What if it never got off the ground?

I pushed forward, mainly because I was afraid to let the writers down. These are some of the most talented, loyal, supportive women I've met, not just online, but ever. I needed to at least try.

The night before we hit publish, I was a wreck. Elizabeth talked me off the ledge, Katie tried to help me with some Typepad quirks, and other writers g-chatted me words of encouragement.

We launched. You, thankfully, read. They wrote (write, really) their asses off. I exhaled.

In a few weeks, Style Lush will celebrate its first anniversary, and the site is, hands down, without a doubt, one of my greatest accomplishments. But, you should know, it doesn't feel like my accomplishment, it feels like our accomplishment. The writers and the readers. Together.

I've been writing online -- here and a handful of other places --  three years now. In three years I've learned so much. This relatively small community of online bloggers/writers has been such an incredible tool for teaching me about professionalism and adulthood.

One lesson I've learned is that, occasionally, when someone gains a sizable online audience, they lose their gratitude. On the one hand, I can kind of understand. It can become a full-time job just interacting with people, responding to comments, emails. It can be tough to avoid letting all the compliments fuzzy up your brain. And it's really hard to say "no thank you" to someone's request without coming across like you just don't care.

I wouldn't call my audience sizable, not if we're stretching out bloggers on a traffic spectrum, not at all, but whether you have two readers or two million, oh I hope you cling tightly to gratitude and remember those people in your corner.

I hope beyond all measure I've been able to cling as tightly to my own overflowing, overwhelming gratitude, this year especially.

Because, shit you guys, I am so, so grateful.

I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but creating Style Lush has allowed me total and complete freedom on She Likes Purple. I feel no self-induced pressure to make this site anything other than what it naturally is, a record of my life. I don't feel the need to do reviews or to partner with the right company or to drive up numbers so I'm on any type of list or to generate interest for big-time giveaways. Any and all marketing-related goals or ambitions are just unnecessary, thank god, and I can channel all my online ambitions into Style Lush because it's a site I genuinely and wholeheartedly believe in. I believe in the talent there almost more than I believe in anything else online.

My best friend, Natalie, someone who reads every post here and every post there, called me recently to say, "You sure have some talented ladies writing over there. Do they know all you're good at is online shopping?" She was kidding, I'm pretty sure, but it's a little true. I'm good at finding more talented people than myself and convincing them to share that talent with you. Thank goodness I'm good at that.

We have some fun things planned for our first anniversary, and it's our small way of showing all of you -- reading here, there, wherever -- how much you mean to us, how much we appreciate your comments, your feedback, your purchases on stores we've featured that have led to sponsorships or giveaways or just nice connections. 

I've spent all year trying to make my life better, my waistline better, my stories better. I've tried to live instead of talk about living. I've tried to think more and talk less. And, I've tried to be a friend worthy of your time because your time is so precious and to spend it with me, in any corner of the internet, means something.

No, it means everything.

So this is my long-winded, rambling, sappy, emotional way of saying thank you.

Thank you for the support you've given us with Style Lush, thank you for the freedom and comfort you've allowed me here, and thank you for your friendship, whether it's through a simple email now and then or a dinner when we happen to be in the same area or caring about my son or sending a gift my way when I least expect it but most need it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

A Curse of the Internet: Geography Lessons

I'm social.

Mike would even say I can be too social.

The other night we went out with a big group, and I said, "eh, I don't really feel like being social tonight. You do the small talking, please." And he looked at me in a state of panic because if I didn't carry our social graces on my shoulders, we'd be totally screwed.

For the record, I think he's very good at being social when he wants to be, he just so rarely wants to be.

But I like to host parties. I like to host gatherings. I like to make plans. I like to be around people. I like to do it all weekly. Maybe even daily.

My boss even calls me the cruise director of our office.

Which is why I find myself in unfamiliar territory when it comes to other moms. I don't quite know how to say this without it sounding ... strange/weird ... so I'll just say it: in my neighborhood and at Kyle's school, the two places I'd most like to make mom friends, I feel young. Ish. Not like cool young or hip young but inexperienced, what-does-she-know? young.

I know this is all in my head, folks, as I'm 28, not 18, but I walk into Kyle's school or into the grocery store and I feel intimidated by the moms around me. Not in terms of parenting, but in terms of being an adult.

DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?

I want more mom friends. I want to have big playdates where we all talk about things we're going through, parenting mishaps, crazy husband stories, tales of our hit-or-miss dinner from the night before, and then we all laugh and share and build a non-judgey community together that's minutes from my front door.

This may seem like a rose-colored-glasses wish, but ... I'm not quite ready to label it as such since I haven't done all that much to find it beyond mumbling and smiling at other parents and hoping they'll befriend me.

(They don't. Or this post would be pointless.)

The girl who feels like she could at least attempt a conversation with anyone is really struggling to find friends who have kids the same age as her kid.

(She's also now talking in the third person for whatever reason.)

I know I just need to get over it, introduce myself to as many parents as possible until I click with a few, or Google my heart out until I find a great group of moms willing to add another to their playdating ranks. So, I'm not quite looking for advice or resources as much as I'm hoping writing it out will light a fire under my ass.

I think what's especially tough, though, is that I have a parenting community online and my partners in parenting crime are all dotted across the country instead of dotted across my town, damn geography. (Thank goodness for A'Dell.)

It's hard finding people you click with and whose children you care about but who you can never have a playdate with because they live in California. Or Boston. Or Chicago. OR NOT TEXAS.

And it's really hard to walk out your front door and into your son's school or swim class or Wal-mart and feel like you're surrounded by all these parents you don't click with.

I mean, come on, it's already hard enough to walk into Wal-mart. 

So, yeah, could you just go ahead and move to Texas please?

A note to myself, to be read in a few years

Hey,

First, you are doing a good job. You're hard on yourself -- that's probably par for the motherhood course -- but, seriously, you're doing just fine.

And in case your memory isn't kind to you and this time gets heartbreakingly fuzzy with age and champagne, I want you to know this: you love this stage. It's your favorite stage since Kyle was six months old.

He is charming. He is funny. He is speaking in this squeaky, soft, sweet voice and when he is sick or sad or upset, he calls for you at the top of his lungs: "mammmmmma, maaaaaamaaaaa." It's really the only time he calls for you above Mike, but you expected that. Just remember that he calls for you at all, will you?

He is only slightly defiant, and when he is, he is so easy to distract. He wants to disobey, but it's like he hasn't quite figured out how, so he just scowls at you while doing exactly what you tell him to do.

He's going to change, he's going to form all these new opinions soon, right up ahead, and he'll pull away from you as often as he pulls toward you, so I want you to remember that right now, when he's 19 months and one week old, he's incredible. He's enjoyable. He's exactly what you dreamed of when you used to dream of having a son.

Wait, scratch that, he's so much better.

 

And, shit, I have no idea where he got such thick, uncontrollable, beautiful hair, but we'll take it, won't we?

Wait, one more thing, you aren't just doing fine, you're kicking ass. Hold your chin up higher, okay?

From,

A Fan

Reposting

I wrote this three years ago, on this site. I think it still applies.

***

Six years ago we learned some very hard lessons about life and faith and family. We learned the very real need to shout "I love you" as often as possible because life is painfully short and there is always a possibility that this time will be the last time. We learned to hug tighter and forgive quicker and to believe in the good in people even when we had absolutely no reason to. We learned that fear, if allowed to breathe, will consume us and turn us into unrecognizable versions of ourselves. We learned to push through the fear in hopes a new normal would present itself to us, as we healed. And then we learned time can very much heal the deepest wounds. Young and old can move past losing fathers, mothers, children, best friends, to find a very beautiful—albeit different—life on the other side of hell. We learned about resilience. And about God. And about blurring borders and political preferences in order to re-define one nation. But somewhere along the way, we collectively forgot most of those lessons and began turning on one another yet again. Not all of us and not completely. There is so much good and I don't have to be reminded of that, even in Texas. Kindness isn't reserved for liberals, I assure you. But I know our weaknesses are not solely for our own country's eyes to see, and that divided we are very much falling.

Today reminds me that we should go a bit easier on one another, Britney Spears included.

This is absolutely all we get. 

***

Nine years later and I still think we should be kinder. I still think so many of us waste so much of this one shot we get, and that when it comes to patriotism and service and faith, it doesn't matter what flag you fly or what God you serve or what quote you choose to post on your Facebook wall in memory of this day or even what stupid blog post you write when you're feeling moved.

What matters is how you treat people on a day when there is no tragic anniversary to remind you to treat them better. 

What matters is that you never forget you always should.

It's been a drag around here, so let me do nothing to fix that

Man, with the flu and the mom guilt and the Rain of Epic Proportions (which I didn't mention to you but maybe the news did? in short: we got a lot of rain yesterday and also a couple tornadoes), it's been not-so-cheerful around these parts this week.

I'm going to do nothing to fix that since I have to say this: I'm not running my 10K this weekend.

I just can't.

Not physically, I think I could swing that part of it even after having the flu (my immune system? the opposite of Kyle's), but this run was an out-of-town one, and Mike wasn't able to get off work to go with me, so I'd be abandoning my still-recovering kiddo and my still-recovering husband to drive four hours away to run alone without a cheering squad waiting for me at the end.

I just can't rationalize it, especially considering the state of my family and the state of my house.

(Don't stop by unannounced, is what I'm saying to you or we will socialize on the porch whether or not there's a tornado* out front.)

It's just not the weekend to go and while marking off this list item would have felt fantastic, getting my house in order and my family healthy is more important, it just is.

And it's not like there aren't other 10Ks in the state of Texas between now and January. There are! I'll find another.

Or.

Well.

I've been thinking maybe I'll try to run my own 10K. Maybe I won't be able to -- there's something about the race-day adrenaline, I know -- but we have a few nearby lakes and awesome parks and I'd love to try and run 6.2 miles this weekend or the next to see if I can (in training, I've gotten to around four miles). Is this smart? Is this stupid? I have the race playlist already, why not put it to use!

And, hell, if I can't do it, I sign up for another race.

(Although, you should know, I'm keeping our dinner reservations for Saturday night, the dinner we planned to celebrate my 10K. We'll instead celebrate ... good insurance or fall premieres or these shoes or something.)

***

*Tornadoes are my Most Feared Thing, right above clowns and that little troll from Cat's Eye. I have had exactly one full-blown hysterical panic attack in my life and it was while driving through a tornado a couple years back. Mike has never seen me like that, and he's seen me give birth. Just a fun tip about me!

A Specific Kind of Mom Guilt

Kristie wrote a pretty great post about a specific "mom guilt" issue on her blog today, one I'm also struggling with.

Here's my situation:

Mike works wonky hours. They seem to change a lot, too. My hours are more "standard" but those standard hours place me smack-dab in the middle of rush hour traffic, both ways. For anyone who commutes, it's not really the driving that sucks out your soul, it's the traffic, the seemingly endless stopping and starting and people craning their necks while slamming on their breaks to see the accident four lanes over. (Stop doing that, by the way.)

So, Mike's hours are changing ever-so-slightly starting soon and I'm going to try to adjust my hours ever-so-slightly to get me into the office and back home with much less traffic.

Whoo!

But, this limits my options for working out at our local rec center (the place I've become very, very attached to). Basically I have a very specific window right after I get off work and before I pick up Kyle from school.

The guilt that's eating me alive over this is ... fairly impressive really considering we're talking about me RUNNING on a TREADMILL which is a GOOD THING.

I am fine working out once Kyle is fast asleep and I'm even fine working out before we all get going in the morning, but leaving Kyle at school longer so I can work out, WHOA, THERE IS GUILT WITH THIS CHOICE.

Why? I don't know. This is the same time period I used to be sitting in traffic to pick him up and I rarely felt guilty about that. I mean, we live HERE, my job is THERE, unless the gift of a plane, a pilot, and a landing pad is handed down to us, commuting was my only choice.

So while Kyle wouldn't be at school any longer with this new arrangement, there's just something guilt-inducing about choosing to do one thing I enjoy (running) over picking up Kyle from school earlier.

As Kristie said, it's not like I'm taking body shots off anyone at a local bar, I'm getting healthier, staying fitter, so I can chase that cute boy of mine around the house. And I don't feel guilty about leaving him with his dad or his grandparents to do the exact same thing (or to socialize with friends or host parties or take date nights with my husband).

So what's with this specific kind of guilt? The guilt of leaving him at school so his mama can go to the gym?

Have any of you dealt with this? What's your advice, yo?

How To Take Your Toddler To a College Football Game And Not Get the Flu

Actually, come to think of it, I'm not sure how you take your toddler to a college football game and not immediately come down with the flu since the night after we got home from College Station, my whole family came down with just that.

Before we delve into the fun that was our high-fevered, miserable puking Labor Day, I'll answer the questions from the last post about taking Kyle to the game:

1. Did Kyle sit through the whole game? Ha! Haaaaaa! No, he didn't. The game started at 6 pm, and we didn't leave the house we were staying at until 6 pm. Parking was a breeze, thankfully, and there was stroller parking at the stadium, also a breeze, doubly thankfully, so we got to our seats just as the second quarter was starting. We left right as the third quarter ended. So, we saw enough to feel our money was well spent but didn't stay too long that the people around us were all "TAKE YOUR SCREAMING TODDLER ELSEWHERE, WOULD YOU?"

We also did two things that were, uh, desperate times-ish. We 1) gave him his pacifier, which he only has at bedtime now and 2) busted out our cell phones and let him watch videos and Cars clips and whatever he wanted short of calling China.

He did great while at the game, though. He's not noise-sensitive (which he did not get from me, the child who could not stand fireworks until I was very nearly a high-schooler) and he enjoyed all the clapping and cheering, thank you Aggies for all those touchdowns.

Ultimately, though, we got lucky. Story of my life.

2. Where are his sandals from? Kohl's. Mike picked them out and they've been a great investment for us. (Of course, I can't find a link.)

Now, the flu.

Apparently my little man is an overachiever as he's the first flu case of the season at our doctor's office. I'd be so proud if I wasn't so ... exhausted and ... tired ... and hanging on by a flu-frayed thread.

Why couldn't he be the youngest child to stumble upon a million dollars?

If you've been reading long enough, you know Kyle has been a pretty sick kid. I'm genuinely disappointed in myself for not creating a category on this site along the lines of The Boy of a Thousand Co-Pays because it'd be nice to go back and re-read all the MY SON IS SICK!!!! posts in one sitting just to, you know, acknowledge my own badass-ness.

I thought we'd turned a corner with his Horrible Immune System from Hell but, well, I guess not.

When I think back on last year's holiday season -- my favorite season of the year, I should add -- all I can remember is the flu, the stomach virus, the bronchitis, the multiple mystery viruses, the pink eye. There were more canceled plans than kept ones. It was hard and depressing and I really didn't want to go through another year like that.

When I am able to muster up perspective, I know we're still lucky: we have insurance to cover the crazy co-pays, great jobs that (generally) understand when we have to work remotely or not work at all, and family and friends who pitch in way more than the average set of family and friends should have to. 

I'm not always able to muster perspective, though.

I had to go to the pharmacy tonight, of course, because just when you save $60 for an outfit to wear to your high school reunion, you'll have to drop it instead on flu and nausea medicine for your toddler, and as I was paying for the medicine, the pharmacist was going over the instructions and talking about flu season and I stopped him and said, "this is the shit they don't talk about at baby showers." He got noticeably uncomfortable, and I stammered an apology, thinking he'd find me charming but, oh, so very few people find me that.

I can be totally awkward.

But, it's true, this is the stuff "they" don't prepare you for, and while that outfit would have been pretty and the sleep last night I didn't get would have been great and a barbecue or parade or great Old Navy sale would have been a better way to spend our Labor Day, this is just what we have to roll with.

The kid gets sick, we do what we must to make him better, no questions asked.

But if we do ever have another child, you can bet your ass I'm going to forgo all those LET HIM HAVE RED HAIR prayers and skip right to LET HIS IMMUNE SYSTEM BE STRONG AS STEEL.

Aggieland Sneak Peek

***

We took a less-than-24-hour whirlwind trip to College Station this weekend, but it was so, so nice. Thanks to A'Dell for putting us up for the night and to her family for being so welcoming and warm. 

My family is swell.

More pictures.

My Mix Tape, Take One

Jen L. asked "If you were to make me a mix tape of your all-time favorite songs, what would the first 5 tracks be?"

***

I'm not sure these are my five favorite songs, but they're the first I thought of, and I love them all, so much, in their own way. 

(And I'm making this a take one, so I can potentially fill the tape up with subsequent posts.)

1. "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel. I used to sing this in the car when I was a little girl, at the top of my lungs, and no one ever told me to stop.

2. "18th Floor Balcony" by Blue October. This wasn't the first dance at our wedding, but it was the last. I listened to this song when Mike and I were fresh and new, coming off weeks of staying up all night, getting to know each other. I knew it could end -- plenty of good relationships do that -- and we both had all these plans that didn't include each other.

Falling in love tends to change a few plans.

Thankfully.

3. "Sky Blue & Black" by Jackson Browne. My father and I have an up-and-down, ebbs-and-flows, interesting relationship. One that no longer makes me sad or disappointed. But it does make me reflective. This song makes me think of him.

4. "She Likes Purple" by Wideawake. Come on, how can I not give a little credit to this song. It inspired this space. Without this space, well, let's not even think about that.

5. "The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies. This last pick was tough but this song just ... moves me. In a way few others do. It reminds me, every time I hear it, to live. Not to think about living or to talk about it but to actually do it. 

***

What's on your mix tape?

August Recap

First, a question:

HOW THE HELL IS IT SEPTEMBER?

It's all a bit mind-boggling, that we have a mere four months left until a whole new year. That means Halloween is right around the corner, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, THEN 2011, HOLY SHIT.

But, for now, August.

***

This past month I started regularly doing two things I haven't done in as long as I can recall: going to sleep at a reasonable hour and reading.

I've been offline in the evenings just as often as I've been on and let me tell you, as much as I love the internet, there's nothing quite as nice or as vital to one's peace of mind as a good book and an early bedtime.

(Unless that good book keeps you up until 1:30, I'M LOOKING AT YOU HUNGER GAMES.)

***

This month we also didn't eat out (for the most part) and, hey, we didn't die! We made a few exceptions, which I was fine with, but for the most part we ate all our meals from our own kitchen. It basically confirmed something I already knew: we spend entirely too much money on unnecessary meals. 

I'm going to try very, very hard to bring my lunch to work every day and to limit eating out to the weekends, for date nights or special family outings.

***

I've lost 31 pounds this year and have 17 more to go. It feels as if the weight is falling off ever-so slowly and that I'll never reach my goal. It's hard to keep perspective when you plateau, you know?

But, there's this: I enjoy food, I enjoy cooking (here's my September menu, if you care about that kind of thing), I enjoy running. Those are three brand-new things for me. It's hard to say I ever really enjoyed food before, not when there was so much fucked-up guilty aftermath that went along with it.

But, I no longer view food as a crutch or my particular form of self-medication. I feel I've done more for my family in terms of taking care of them and providing meals for them this year than all other years combined, and I feel I've done more for myself this year, as well.

I'm not there yet, no, and that's just frustrating, no way around it. To be close but not quite there.

But I'll get there.

When I do, drinks for everyone!

***

Style Lush continues to blow my mind. The content is just hands-down incredible. We consistently have great giveaways and fun features and the most talented DIYers I know.

Make no mistake, I am not one of them. I just organize all that talent in one place while contributing very little of it.

(Oh, and our one-year anniversary is in October. I'm lining up some great giveaways for that week. If you have a shop or store or hidden talent and want to contribute to a giveaway that week, let me know.) 

***

This month I also: saw Greenday in concert, had a fancy date night with my husband, threw a party, and went to BlogHer.

Phew. Maybe it was less of a low-key month than I thought.

***

Then there's Kyle.

Oh Kyle.

18 months has been, for us, just blissful. (Now 14-15 months was not.) He understands so much, and is so easy to talk to and get through to, and while he's doing all that BEING-A-REAL-PERSON shit, he's still a baby. There's chub, everywhere, and he's still toddling around in diapers and a little wobbly, and so soft and sweet. 

(Although 18 months did bring the toddler feet of doom. THEY SMELL OF DEATH AND ROT.)

He holds my hand, without me asking him to, and while the tantrums are brutal, they're also quick. 

He's talking more, he's laughing more, he's dancing more, he's just more, while still being so little.

He has a sense of humor and while it's a little, uh, strange -- he thinks it's HILARIOUS when we sneeze -- making him laugh has got to be the best thing on the planet. Sorry, boss, can I just quit my job and make my kid laugh for  a living because I appear to be awesome at it?

Every stage is so fleeting, so hard to remember without the help of a blog, so full of highs and lows that if you sit around think about it for very long, you can't help but cry. It's cruel, the way we are given these gifts only to have them morph into something else entirely so soon, but it's so beautiful that they're replaced with something even more amazing.

Missing who he was before is like missing a light while I live with the sun.

 

***

September holds: Kyle's first college football game, my first 10K (and lunch with Natalie), our nephew's birthday party, another birthday party, a handful of other birthdays, and the end of summer. NOT SUMMER TEMPERATURES, THOUGH, OH NO. Texas is an overachiever when it comes to being stupid.

What are you looking forward to this month?