She Likes Purple

What To Do In Austin: Drinks at the San Jose Hotel

After Burger Day!, Natalie and I drove south to Austin to stay with Natalie, so we could all run the Cap10K Sunday morning. But, every race needs fuel, and our race needed booze.

Our strategies are unconventional but tasty.

Both Natalies and I picked up Regan and headed to the San Jose Hotel for drinks Saturday night (before heading to Max's Wine Dive for dinner).

This was a champassion: champagne, passion fruit, and raspberries.

It tasted even better than it looks, which seems impossible, I know.

I don't know anyone else who would spontaneously go on a road trip to Austin with me to run more than six miles and then do all the driving. She's a keeper.

This lady opened her doors to two bloggers! She's a reminder that for all the crazy the internet tosses at you, it sure can surprise you with a sweet and lovely friend (and running partner!).

But, seriously, next time you're in Austin (say, for the Blathering?), get thee to the San Jose Hotel and order the champassion.

Bring me along, though, okay?

(Also, WOW, I need a tan.)

Burger Day!

All Friday, Mike and I texted and emailed back and forth with things like It's Burger Day! WHO'S EXCITED ABOUT BURGERS! Although he wasn't nearly as excited as I was, he pretended well.

I kicked off our burger dinner with champagne as everyone should kick off burger dinners.

I only had half a glass but that's because we were on a schedule not because I couldn't have inhaled the whole bottle.

This is the diablo burger from Fred's. It's spicy but not too spicy. You should try it if you're ever in town. I could be biased because I went without meat for 12 (long) weeks but this was so damn delicious.

I only ate (about) half, which might have been more of an accomplishment than the previous 12 weeks.

It was a fun, fun night.

Before & Now

I'm not done kicking and shedding a little ass, so this is just a bookmark in the story of working toward my happy weight. (In fact, inspired by Amy, I created a Tumblr site for all things devoted to my weight-loss and journey: food pictures, work-out notes, goals, yada yada. Feel free to come visit!)

But, anyway, today marks the end of one chapter, so let's recap!

Way back in 2009 (~185 lbs):

(Not pregnant, although you could have fooled the camera!)

Around the beginning of 2010 (178 lbs):

The beginning of the Biggest Blogging Loser (161.6 lbs):

Today (138.4 lbs):

In the last (nearly) 12 weeks, I've lost 23.2 pounds and 14.36% of my weight.

I haven't seen this weight since 2007, right before my wedding.

Since then I've become:

A wife
A mother
A runner
A cook....

....stronger, happier, smarter, tougher.

It's been such a motherfucking journey. I'm sorry for dropping such a word on you, I bet you weren't prepared for that, but it has.

It has.

I never thought I'd be here. I don't expect that to make much sense to some but I think a few of you might get it. When I look way back to where this all started, years and years ago, it was not a road that should have brought me here. 

But, I'm here.

I'm kinda shocked.

I'm kinda scared.

I'm so proud.

Real Marriages: Encouraging The Things He Loves

Mike races motorcycles.

For a long time, Mike played hockey.

Mike thinks Call of Duty is totally awesome.

Mike likes nothing more than spending a few hours in the garage. I have no idea what he does out there. There are tools involved, I think, and I'm pretty sure there's an open beer somewhere, but beyond that, who knows?

(Nor do I particularly care. I mean, that's where the rat lived. I'm fine with that being his domain.)

These are not activities I'll ever fill up my free time with and because of that, I can sometimes have a hard time understanding why he enjoys them so much.

I can sometimes get pissy and screechy when he'd rather be in the garage than inside the house with me or when he'd rather work overtime to pay for some race equipment than work overtime to buy me diamonds (or shoes or champagne or a variety of other things). He's really supportive of my free-time activities: book club, running, blogging, even though he does not like to read or run or blog.

So.....what's my problem?

I know that I need things -- outside of being a wife and mother -- to fulfill and challenge me, yet I seem to struggle with accepting the same truths about Mike. 

So, I've acknowledged this flaw of mine, and I want to work on it. I want Mike to feel super supported and loved and encouraged. Because he totally is. He's awesome and talented and, well, the garage is pretty cool if you're into that sort of thing.

Although, can I get an amen that no single person needs more than five wrenches?

Anyone else struggle with this?

Oh No

I got a call this morning from Mike that said:

"Our son can open doors now."

The crib is the only thing stopping him from taking complete control of our house. I hope he doesn't mind sleeping in it until he's 15!

When I Feel Sexiest

This week at Style Lush we have a couple giveaways you might want to enter. One, for a funky zipper brooch and one for a massage candle. The latter's giveaway entry question is: when do you feel sexiest? It's something I've been thinking about myself.

First, I don't shy away from the topic of sex. If you're my friend, you know this. It's sex not calculus, so I have some thoughts on the subject, and I'm not embarrassed to pour a glass of wine, laugh with my friends, and talk about the past, the present, and our preferences. But there are some people who talk about sex in a way I don't quite understand. Making weird jokes about their date nights, typing "wink, wink" into Twitter when they refer to their husbands doing the dishes. I mean, maybe it's just me, but the fact that you have sex with your husband or partner or mailman does not gross me out. What grosses me out is being a spectator to your foreplay.

So, this post will not be about actually having sex with Mike. You're welcome!

But, feeling sexy is a damn good thing, am I right? Feeling sexy, I'd argue, is even better than someone thinking I'm sexy, and it's why Mike has said he prefers me at my happy weight, although he has no idea what that number is. He loves me at any weight, obviously, but he likes when I skip the towel after a shower or don't pull away from him when he touches my stomach, so whether that's 132 pounds or 232 pounds, he doesn't care, as long as I don't care either, you know? Basically when you feel sexy, you are sexy.

So, being at my happy weight is one really obvious answer to this question, but there's more to it.

I also feel sexy...

....right after I run and especially right after a race.

....in a new, very flattering pair of jeans, and it's one reason my first splurge after I reach my goal weight will be a new pair of investment jeans.

....when I have a little bit of a tan, which is why I think of my beach vacations first when I think of feeling sexy.

....in a t-shirt in jeans.

....after one glass of wine or champagne.

....on summer nights, especially in June, when it's not August-hot yet, and you can sit outside in hopes that a breeze will blow through the air. (Not summer days, mind you, as I am not Tim Riggins who can pull off the dirty, sweaty, sexy thing.)

....in heels. I don't wear them often, but I should. I always walk a little more confident when I do.

....in Vegas. I love Vegas because it just encourages you to have fun and forget about whatever it is you're currently stressed about. It basically whispers in your ear, "take this drink, wear this short skirt, and have some fun."

....when Mike and I are laughing together.

....when I go for a hike. I love hiking, which is really just walking on an incline, I know, but it's still one of my favorite forms of exercise.

....when I cook.

....when I two-step, which I do so rarely these days, and I should change that.

....whenever I am traveling. I pick my best outfits, I am so much more easy going when no one or nothing is relying on me, and I can just wander and breathe.

....in hindsight. Don't you always like a picture of yourself when you haven't seen it in ages? Basically, I'll never feel as sexy in the moment as I think I looked in hindsight. Unfortunately.

Now, this doesn't mean every time I do one of these things I want to have sex, which should make you feel good if I ever invite you over for dinner or you've been out with me when I'm in a t-shirt and jeans, but we all know that's not what sexy really means, right?

It's a state of being comfortable in your own skin, being at ease, being happy with the moment, and it's not something we should shy away from striving for.

So, tell me, when do you feel sexiest?

End in Sight

Next Friday, I've secured a babysitter, picked the restaurant, and asked Mike to take off work early (and also skip lunch). We're going to Fred's, a burger place in Fort Worth, where I'll be enjoying a burger without the word "veggie" in front of it and also a beer. Or two. That's right, my friends, my time has (just about) come.

It's a few days before the Biggest Blogging Loser officially ends but I'm technically not participating in the competition anymore (for logisitcal not weight-loss reasons). It's also a few pounds shy of my goal, but I want to celebrate with Mike and next Friday has presented itself as a great opportunity to do just that.

What are we celebrating? Glad you asked! I'm at a weight I haven't seen since our wedding. I'm running more and farther than ever before in my life. I'm eating and cooking better, wholer, healthier foods. I choose exercise or bitching to Natalie over binge eating when I'm stressed.

Oh, also, I went 81 straight days without a single piece of chocolate, bite of meat, or sip of something stronger than a Diet Dr. Pepper.

Worth celebrating!

I have a lot of thoughts on how I'll finish reaching my goal weight and then maintaining that weight after introducing alcohol, meat, and sweets back into my diet, but I need to sort through those thoughts a little better and I also need a little distance from the Biggest Blogging Loser. It was a great idea and I met a lot of wonderful people through it, but it was a surprising experience for me in a lot of ways. Not ready to tackle those thoughts yet, so another day.

I'll also have a before-and-after photo to show you next Friday.

It's been a really hard, emotional, bumpy couple months, as you know, and I remember at one point standing in front of the pantry thinking, "I DESERVE A THIN MINT. I SHOULD EAT THAT THIN MINT RIGHT NOW." I didn't. I didn't because of you. Because I couldn't bear the thought of admitting defeat to you. Because so many of you believe in me even when I don't deserve that faith.

I say it a lot, and I mean it always, I just wouldn't be who I am without you.

I'll enjoy that beer as if you were sitting with me. I swear.

I Want to Remember When This Started

It started with his books. I'd hear him on the couch or in his room with one of his favortie stories spread across his lap. He would read to himself, even getting some of the parts right, but mostly making up words and jibber-jabbering excitedly through it. At the end, he'd clap for himself and say "yea, Kyle!"

Then, he'd pretend to call Mike from my phone, having a conversation with him about Manny and goldfish and then, "bye-bye daddy! See you tomorrow!"

Next, it was the "big, white dog" outside the car window. "Do you SEE it, Mommy?" I didn't because the dog wasn't there. But he saw it, and he would go on to say, "hi doggy! bye doggy!"

He would do the same thing with the "BIG DINOSAUR" on the side of the road or the "tractor" in our front yard. "Do you SEE it?"

Let's see, we've witnessed rolling over, crawling, walking, running, talking, laughing, loving, singing, dancing. We've witnessed miracle after miracle after miracle and it feels unfair to rate them, but at the same time, there's no contest: the first signs of this boy's imagination are blowing me away in unmatched ways.

It's been my favorite part of parenting so far, by far.

I believe he sees all those magical things.

I hope he never stops.

Enjoying Restaurants Again (For Now)

Oh, toddlers, your crazy phases never last long, but neither does anything else. Just a few short months ago, I thought we'd never enjoy a family meal out without the help of some serious sedatives (for Kyle or for us, depending when you asked) or at a really loud place. Like a runway.

I remember the October dinner that inspired that post so well it still gives me stomach pains.

That sucked.

This past weekend, we had a family breakfast AND a family dinner out. Kyle was fun for them both. He was especially a delight at dinner when he requested to dance in the middle of the patio to the live music. He's not perfect, as he tosses things on the floor a lot, but he's still enjoyable. It's not as easy breezy as dining without him, but the memories are better in hindsight, if that makes any sense.

I really enjoyed meals out with my family as a kid, and I hope as Kyle's memories start to stick, he does too.

Anyway, plenty of lovely people promised he'd grow out of that nightmarish phase and we'd enjoy restaurants again one day soon and just a few months later, I'm sheepishly admitting you were right. I should really listen to you more often.

(So, I'll be back later this week to ask for sleeping advice! Sounds fun, right?)

If you have a toddler and think you'll never get to treat yourselves to a Sunday night out or a Saturday morning muffin at your favorite cafe, don't fear. You will. One day soon.

Until then, may I introduce you to three glorious words: to-go menus.

Kyle at Love Shack, where we had dinner. Mike crowned it the Best Burger Ever. I crowned my (veggie) burger just eh. I know you were dying to know this information.

A boy and his dog

Years ago Mike, Molly, and I went camping (before this blog was born, even), and while there we went for a hike. They were both ahead of me, Mike holding Molly's leash, and I took a picture as they walked.

"A boy and his dog," I said to myself, and I thought that'd be a great name for a novel. I filed that working title into my brain folder named "Maybe One Day."

I was reminded of that title, that old picture, that memory this weekend.

Kyle doesn't particularly like dogs, which shocks the hell out of me.

But it actually makes the fact that he likes ours that much sweeter.

And while she'd never, ever, ever admit it, I think she likes him too. Even if only because he feeds her even after I've told him not to.

Two Outfits I'd Like to Make Mine

Unfortunately, I'm not shopping (for myself) until we land in Chicago (bummer) so these outfits will have to stay on my blog and out of my closet but let's ooh and ahh over them anyway.

First Outfit!

Although this Modcloth dress is out of stock. It's a good thing because it could almost lead me down the road named Screw Giving Up Shopping, I Want!

With these shoes, please.

Second outfit!

Another ModCloth dress. Pretty.

With a pop of color, maybe?

With these shoes.

What do you want lately?

Me, Elsewhere

1. Two new Martha & Me posts to update you on: one, a pretty new nail color and also some handmade cards I made with a random cork I found in my kitchen.

2. At Food Lush, I share my very favorite granola bars. These bad boys are from Target, which makes them easy for you to get your hands on unless you live in Vermont or Alaska.

3. Since I've been going meatless since early January, I thought I'd share a handful of delicious vegetarian recipes I've made over the last couple months.

4. I also guest posted over at Conscientious Confusion last week. I kind of cheated because I posted something I wrote on She Likes Purple more than a year ago. Still, a post I love titled "More Than You."

5. Finally, I'll be writing once a month on a local hospital blog about mom-related things. My first post is up about how to make it through those first newborn months without dying of exhaustion.

Happy weekend!

Okay

I'm not a writer.

One day I hope to be but for now it's not my profession, it's just therapy.

As soon as I hit publish on a tough post, a weight lifts. I feel lighter, better, calmer. There's a release that's similar to talking to a great friend, running on the treadmill, or just getting a good night's sleep.

You don't know that I feel better after every word I write, though. All you know is what I write.

So, after a few down-in-the-dumps-type posts, I understand why it probably would surprise you to know I was laughing on the phone yesterday with Natalie, enjoying a run at the gym, and then laughing with Mike about how annoying Julia Roberts was in Eat, Pray, Love. "She's irritating, it's not just me, right?"

(I fell asleep as soon as she got to India.)

(I credit the pasta for keeping me going until then.)

It's been a tough week (month? year?), that's totally true, but I'm fine. Writing about it, albeit vaguely, helped me. Made me feel instantly better. As did all of you. As did Mike. 

Then Kyle had one of the worst mornings he's had in.....oh, ever. He was whining and melting down over EVERYTHING. I left him with Mike, headed out of the house, and heard the horrible news from Japan.

There's not much to say beyond what's obvious to say: it's horrible, awful, heartbreaking, unfair, scary as hell.

As I was driving to work, I thought about my two-year-old and how he thinks the worst thing that can happen to him is that I occasionally don't butter his toast quickly enough or sometimes I turn off Handy Manny because he's acting like a crazy person.

It's frustrating that so little can unwind and unravel him. It's hair-pulling that he can turn something so little into something so day-ruining.

But., he doesn't know there's any worse. He doesn't know the world is much, much worse. He thinks these things are as bad as life gets. One day he'll know differently, but I'm so grateful that day isn't today.

We're okay, really and truly, and I hope hope hope you and everyone you know are too.

To Mike

You always tell me it'll be okay. You always say it'll work out. You always say, "we have someone looking out for us, so have faith." You always tell me not to worry, it's not that bad, we're fine fine fine fine fine.

I believe you.

You're usually the only one I believe.

Because you're all the proof I need to know you're right.

Peace

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. We think that if we just meditated enough or jogged enough or ate perfect food, everything would be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who’s awake, that’s death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self-contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn’t have any fresh air. There’s no room for something to come in and interrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling our experience.

-- Pema Chodron

***

Thank you to everyone for yesterday, but thank you to Papagayita, especially, for this quote. It was just what I needed to hear.

Blue

I have started and stopped and started a dozen blog posts. I don't want to finish any of them. I'm having a rough go of things -- stress, work, unnecessary drama, dirty house, yada yada. It's all so unoriginal and still so annoying. What can I say, my brain is stuck on the "anxious!" setting, and I really hate when it gets stuck there.

I'm just a little blue.

So, will you do me a favor and share something inspiring in the comments: a great movie, an upbeat song, a nice deed you've recently witnessed, a quote you love, a delicious recipe, or just a nice thought.

I hate to say it, but I could really use some nice thoughts right now.

Or a gigantic bottle of vodka.

Hey, I won't complain if you give me both.

What To Do in Denton: Eat at Frilly's

If you're in/around North Texas and you like fun joints that also serve delicious food, try Frilly's next time you go out.

When Mike and I were in Boston this past fall, he had cioppino at Legal Seafood and it changed his life a little bit. (Well, that along with the dozen bowls of chowder he ate.) We didn't expect to find anything remotely comparison-worthy in Texas since the nearest body of water is, well, it's not the Atlantic Ocean, let me just say.

But, after a little time spent with Yelp and Google, we found some good reviews for the cioppino at this place in Denton (a college town about 20 minutes from us). We headed out this weekend for a date night and while I had to pass on all things seafood (DAMN YOU BIGGEST BLOGGING LOSER), I did get some veggie gumbo and a salad. Both were amazing! The vibe was fun, too.

Mike raved about the cioppino, which is good since it's why we went. We'll be going back soon, so I can try some crabcakes or a po boy.

And a beer. I am nearing the point in my self-induced alcohol hiatus where all this water and Diet Coke is no longer cutting it.

(No Time For A) BBL Update

Where have my weekly Biggest Blogging Loser updates been? Not here, apparently! Sorry about that to anyone who enjoyed them.

While I certainly plan to post the official leader list (after the final weigh-in) and share my own weight-loss thoughts often (like way too often, especially if you're just here for pictures of Kyle), something had to give, unfortunately, and the updates drew the short stick.

It's just been a stressful few months for me -- crazy work schedule, a few personal conflicts I am not emotionally equipped to handle with grace unless you consider SOBBING to be handling with grace (you probably don't) -- and while the BBL is a source of immense pride and joy for me, it's also a source of immense time suck.

Again, something had to give. I consider it a good day when a blog post is what has to give.

Sometimes I think I'm playing a game with myself to see how quickly I can be pushed over the edge. Losing my mind? I'll start a book club! Feeling overwhelmed? Let's host a dinner party! Need a weekend to relax? Let's go to Chicago instead!

Mike does not find this charming, let me just say.

But, a full calendar does make me happy and I find calm in writing a to-do list even if it takes up three pages.

I like creating, brainstorming, planning. I like having things to look forward to. And, more than anything, I like spending time with the people -- offline or on -- who smooth the rough edges life gives me. 

Hey, this was supposed to be an "I don't have time for weekly updates but we're still kicking (and losing) ass!" post and it turned into an "I'm so bussssssy but that's ok!" one instead. Unintended. Annoying. There you go.

Anyway, some stresses of late are beginning to cease. I have a girl's night planned tonight and a date night planned tomorrow. I have book club Sunday where I get to see good friends and eat delicious food. I am taking a much-needed and long-overdue vacation day Monday and going to the zoo with my boys. I think I might talk Mike into letting me sleep in one of the next couple days.

Life is crazy. Life is busy. Life is good.

(Sometimes it's just so much of all three, blog posts pay the price.)

(I'm totally fine with that.)

Grace in Small Things, Take Five

(Take One, Two, Three, and Four)

1. When Kyle's been slightly scolded for something or another, and he knows he's not being his best self, he gets very quiet for a little bit and keeps his eyes on the ground or his shoes. Then, he walks over to me and whispers, "Hi, mommy." It's his little way of apologizing, I think, and it's just too sweet. Forgiven!

2. Whenever I yell for Mike from the other room by saying, "Hey babe!" he usually responds with, "That's me!" I don't know why I love this so much, but I do.

3. This recipe for stewed white beans and spinach (I left out the bacon) was especially tasty even though I neglected the potatoes on the stovetop to read Kyle Little Blue Truck three times through.

4. Gossip Girl, which is ridiculous, I know, but there you have it.

5. This quote from This Mama Makes Things: "Comparison is the enemy to creativity. Be inspired but be yourself."

BONUS!

6. This video, even though it's upside down-ish. Tilt your head, friend, so you can be wowed by my counting son.

Where's your grace these days?

Cowtown 10K

I ran my 10K this past weekend and I beat my personal 10K record by 8 minutes! I finished in 1:11, which isn't the most impressive time in the entire world, but I ran (jogged?) the entire time and if you had told me a year ago that I'd run for an hour straight some day, I would have taken a nap at the mere suggestion.

My first 10K, last November, was tough. I remember miles 4-6 being nearly impossible and I had to dig down deep into reserves I wasn't even aware I had in order to finish. This race was just the complete opposite. I wouldn't call it a breeze but miles 1-4 were actually really enjoyable and even those last two miles, when things got harder, I knew I could (and would) finish just fine and I'd feel great on the other side, which I did.

The race atmosphere helped a lot. I grew up going to dozens of races and there's still that same race magic today that I remember from my childhood. There's just nothing like "race day" in terms of inspiration and encouragement and community.

In fact, I went back to the Cowtown the next morning to see Natalie and Kristie run (and kick ass at!) the half-marathon, and I got to hang out around the finish line for about an hour and there's just nothing as inspiring as seeing hundreds of people -- all different shapes and sizes and ages -- pushing themselves toward a goal.

When things did get a little tough during my race, I thought of all the moviating words and emails and Twitter notes I've gotten from so many of you. I really do owe my little blog and the friends I've made through it so much. I don't think I'd be running races or meeting goals or trying to be better without you.

Thank you so much.

(Now, off to buy my necklace!)