Over a year ago (oh my) I asked for questions for my Real Marriages series. In that comments section, Maggie asked "I'm always reeeeeeally interested in how couples handle the When To Have A Baby question. As in, one wants a baby maybe in a year or two, the other wants one yesterday."
I thought this was a great question then and now, so I'm finally getting around to writing about it.
So, When Did We Know We Wanted Kyle
Mike told me on our first date he wanted to be a dad. We went on to live together nearly two years before we got married, so I felt commited to him long before I took on his impossible-to-pronounce last name. Once we tied the knot, we just sort of ... went for it. I honestly don't remember having very many conversations about when to start trying for a baby, which seems kind of ridiculous. In hindsight, it also seems a little rushed, but it did end up taking us a year to get pregnant and by the time we had Kyle, we had been together five years. He wanted a baby, I wanted a baby, we wanted a baby, we started trying for that baby. It didn't feel like a big decision. Which is nuts! It's a huge decision! But, it felt certain and right, and we've never once regretted it except, well, colic. Enough said.
Now.
For more kids?
There were conversations.
How We Decided to Only Have One
You may not know, if you're brand-spanking new here, that Mike and I have decided not to have any more babies. You can read a little more about our decision here but, basically, we felt good about having just one child long before Kyle. Then I had Kyle and for a little while, I thought we'd definitely have another. Babies have this intoxicating effect on people. THEY ARE CLEVER LIKE THAT. But as Kyle grew, he actually got way more awesome -- seriously, is anyone out there unclear about my opinion of age two? -- and you'd think that would just strengthen my early desire to do it all again. That's a pretty fair guess, even, but something weird happened. The more awesome Kyle became, the happier I became with the idea of it just being him forever and ever. The older he got, the less of a pull we felt to try again. We got what we wanted.
Now, before you start typing out an angry comment, please know I'm not saying that anyone with more than one child is trying to "get something" they didn't get the first or second or thirteenth time around. God no. No no no. I'm just saying that for us Kyle feels like enough.
(Also, newsflash: kids aren't cheap.)
You know, I probably could have been convinced or talked into more and there are even times I feel I want more, but I don't think "more" is what's right for our family even if it's right for my likes-to-buy-baby-clothes side or right for my idea of holidays in 20 years. (Do you know all that can change in 20 years? THANKSGIVING MAY NOT EVEN EXIST THEN.)
Also, Mike is very, very, very content with just one and his contentment really has been a little contagious.
I also think that there's a lot of unfair pressure to conduct your life the way the majority does. Have more than one child but not too many children. Spend lots of time with those kids but keep your identity. Cook dinner for your husband every night but don't be a doormat. There are so many rules to being happy but this world is somehow full of miserable people. When did going with our guts go out of style?
With all that said, I feel very, very lucky that my desire to have another child wasn't so deep that it didn't become an issue in my marriage. Mike and I are on the same page and even when I thought we might not be, it wasn't too far off or for very long. I feel endlessly grateful that we both feel good about our choices because I know it's not always that easy.
Now, I'd love to hear your stories: how did you decide to have the number of children you have? Did you agree on that number with your partner? If not, how did you handle the conflict?