After a recent moment when I was reminded I really am at peace with our decision not to have any more biological children (I am still forcing a door be kept open for possibly fostering/adopting one day), I decided to make a list of all the things I want to devote energy to in the coming years.
See, when you stumble out the other side of your child-bearing years, you can feel a little disoriented, no matter your age or circumstance. Getting pregnant, and then having and raising a baby, is such an all-encompassing period of time that when you finally have a little kid who is not catapulting through milestones at warp speed, you sure can feel a little lost, a little like WHAT NOW? What to do with some of this extra time? I try to spend a lot of it snuggling the crap out of my son, but he looks at me with annoyance now more than ever. "NO THANK YOU, MOMMY." He practically rolls his eyes.
(Something tells me the eye roll isn't going anywhere.)
So, I wrote a list. A list of things I want to do and be and see and, FINE WHATEVER, it's a life list. (I know.) I'm not going to bore you with the list. It includes a lot of self-indulgant things and I suspect you don't really want to hear one more blogger going on about a cross-country road trip she wants to take or how she wants to see Europe. Vacationing is so revolutionary! As Mike recently said to me, "Babe, EVERYONE wants to travel, you are not inventing a new thing by wanting to go places."
(That made him sound rude, but he's awesome, swear it.)
I'll just say that one thing on this list is to write a book.
OH MY GOD WHY DID I SAY THAT? Writing a book is even less revolutionary than traveling. Except, I've had this idea for a book in my mind since I was 15 (half my life!). I started writing this book as a movie, and I actually first wrote anything down about it as a movie PREVIEW (basically the dialogue for the trailer) and I recently remembered this story (and dusted it off) and have begun writing it on my commute to work*. It's been...kind of magical.
I don't know what will come of this (oh, likely nothing) but my ultimate career goal has always been to write yet I have never once felt like being a writer wasn't just a silly pipe dream, even when I take side jobs AS a paid writer, even as I write every single day at my day job.
But, as I just talk aloud to myself on the way to work or scribble notes in a notebook or name (and re-name and re-name) characters, I feel something sort of awaken in me, a writer-ish side of me, and it feels really nice.
I guess I'm sharing all this because Kyle is now three, heading full speed ahead toward three-and-a-half and then he'll be four and maybe there's a baby in our future (I don't think there is but I've learned to never say never) or maybe there's a little boy or girl who already exists who needs our love in a very real way or, hey, maybe there are other cool things we can't anticipate. Maybe maybe maybe. Life is just so awesomely weird in that who KNOWS what's actually ahead, but I look at this list I wrote and remember that there's a lot to do in between life finding me. While I wait for unexpected awesome things to surprise me, I can surprise myself.
So much of our story isn't really up to us, but then again so much of it is.
*I record thoughts on my phone or just hope to remember things. I don't physically write anything down because that would be crazy. That would be even BEYOND ME crazy!