Before we planned a trip to D.C. (many recaps to come, promise!), we planned to go to Alaska this summer on a kind of Dream Trip. Apparently Dream Trips aren't cheap (stupid reality, I must say), and we had to accept that we just couldn't afford the trip this year. We had wonderful friends and family who hosted us in D.C. and we got a great deal on a hotel for the other nights, so it was a much more affordable trip than Alaska (MUCH). Mike really wanted to go to D.C. when the cherry blossoms might bloom and that meant changing our June Alaskan trip to an April D.C. trip. Not a big deal, we have really wonderful and flexible parents who were willing to hang out with Kyle in April just as easily as June.
(I swear I'm getting to a point!)
Thing is, I had also planned a trip to Louisiana for April, for a co-worker's wedding. A co-worker I've worked with the entire eight years I've been at my job (in fact the only co-worker I've worked with the entire eight years I've been at my job other than my boss) and when Mike and I sat down to talk about switching our trip, I told him that would mean me being away from Kyle for two trips in two weeks, and I hated the idea of it.
He talked me into it, with many convincing arguments like Kyle would be with people he loves and adores the entire time, including Mike and leaving Kyle with Mike is, well, it's not really leaving him at all. Mike is an incredible parent, he's often a better parent than I am (although his solo weekends have a lot more dirty dishes piled in the sink than mine do, I'd like it noted), but still. Being away from Kyle for 11 of 14 days isn't easy.
It became this underlying ache our entire time in D.C., that it wasn't just Our Vacation (that we needed, it's been a very stressful few months at work for the both of us), it was the start of too many days away from my boy.
Look, I'm not going to regret going to this wedding. My co-worker means a lot to me, and I'm traveling with another co-worker I really love, and we're spending two nights in New Orleans before the wedding, and this will be a good time, I'm sure of it. It's just hard, too.
It's not even guilt, quite honestly. Mike isn't asking me to stay, there are no fights about my weekend away, I talked to Kyle tonight about me leaving again and he's all "I'm excited about boy's time with Daddy!" and then he went on to talk about dinosaurs and watching The Voice. Kyle has never been left with anyone but his dad or his two grandmothers. He's got a fairly stable life. I mean, yeah, there IS guilt because that's my default setting about absolutely EVERYTHING (I felt guilty for a half hour tonight because a bird made a nest on our porch, and I accidentally spooked it coming home from dinner, and I thought she might never come back to the nest and the baby birds would die. I swear, I'm Catholic and just don't know it, I'm so good at The Guilt.) but it's not really guilt about this trip. It's just...missing him. It's just missing Kyle, that's all.
I miss him a lot more, the older he gets, and I don't know what that's all about but it's just how it is.
I guess I just needed to be a little sad over leaving him again and to vent that sadness here and then to speak my deep gratitude for smart phones with cameras and husbands who oblige my demands to "take a picture every hour, EVEN WHEN HE IS ASLEEP, IT'S NOT THAT MUCH TO ASK, STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME."
Okay, so maybe oblige is the wrong word choice there.
Anyway, you should obviously feel very jealous of the co-worker I'm roadtripping to the wedding with. She's likely to need a few drinks this weekend after hanging out with me.